How to deal with adult child’s continual demands for money

[OrangeEucalyptus]

DC is mid 20s, they live alone and dont work. They’re diagnosed with ADHD but won’t take medication or accept any help/support for their mental health.

They receive PIP and other benefits but are completely unable to budget or manage their finances so constantly expect me to bail them out. I have done in the past but their complete refusal to consider working or getting any sort of help makes me reluctant to keep encouraging it especially as they are quite reckless with the money they do have - they’ll spend it all on nights out or takeaways and then expect me to pay for food.

They can be quite nasty and manipulative and often cut me off for months at a time so I don’t even know if they are OK if I don’t do what they want. But I recognise that giving them money just means they have even less incentive to help themselves. And why should I when they are often unkind and rarely appreciative?

I know I need to maintain my boundaries but they are my child and their other parent (we’re not together) isn’t interested. But they are also an adult who should surely take some responsibility. I can’t force them to seek help and they don’t want my advice, just lifts and money. What can I do?

@Paganpentacle so presumably it is possible to work then. I think it’s concerning to see young people being told they just don’t need to work. So that means a whole life with no real purpose which I don’t think is actually good for anyone. Surely there should be some incentive to be independent? Otherwise there will be many more like OPs child who is unable to function independently & lives off benefits & tries to tap up Mum when they run out of funds.

Indeed... this is my concern.
I had no 'excuse' ... for want of a better phrase... so I got on with it.
I have a senior clinical role, which requires a master's degree, which wasn't easy - I do wonder how things would have panned out had I been given the option of not working...

@Paganpentacle that’s amazing that you have achieved so much considering your diagnosis. I do wonder about current younger generation and how they will manage if (when) governments decide to make welfare cutbacks. I can’t see how you managed to work at a high level yet some young people have been told they don’t need to work. With no experience how will they ever find a job in the future?

@Paganpentacle I do wonder about dd3. She is doing her IB this year and has had interviews at Cambridge and Imperial (apparently the Cambridge one was a disaster). She is just so disorganised and her time management is awful. I'm worried she isn't putting the work in. I think if she was offered 'free' money she'd jump at it. Ds (22) has ASD and he is really organised. He has just started his dream job on £40k+. He's a worry in other ways!

@manthide @converseandjeans

Exactly... life's not easy in general- at what point do we stop trying?
Both my kids have ASD/ADHD.
One works in R+D - he's a microbiologist, the other has a patient-focused administrative job in the NHS. Neither of them would consider not working ... but then again they've not been given that option...

No money at all, if desperate buy groceries (a small box full like they would get from a food bank) if helping with for instance utilities, top up their card/pay direct to company and do on. Helping with cash is enabling because they aren’t able to manage it. Do suggest they ask to switch to weekly benefits because it’s easier to budget weekly than monthly

In time honoured MN style: No is a complete sentence.

@converseandjeans

we can’t that’s the truth.

a change in parenting style, changes in societal expectations, emphasis on “me” and yes the pandemic all are in play. Expectations are important because we experienced this here, dsd really struggles in work and it would have been easier to tell her to put her mental health first, no need to work etc but dh didn’t, he was firm and said he’s always worked despite the same mental health issues (likely hereditary as all cousins the same) and she eventually knuckled down and worked. It’s hard I’m not saying it isn’t but adhd isn’t a condition that means you cannot work, you do however need to find both the right kind of work and the right employer who gets you. My dd also has adhd and is in a career that channels the super human energy she has, go go go all the time

I sympathise as I have a DB in his 50s with a mild learning disability. He's not keen on work but can work - he has probably worked about 3 months max this whole year. Can't get anything permanent just temps and just leaves if he doesn't like it or if he has a chance to finish sooner. Always looks for excuses as to why he can't do a job.

My DM passed away earlier this year and we realised she helped him a lot more than she told me or my DF. My DF now at 88 is asked for money. Lots of emotional blackmail from
DB, eg I haven't got enough petrol to go to the bereavement group or work etc etc so we give him money.

I told my DF that DB will not change so we have to. We constantly tell him we can't lend him any more money, but he still asks anyway. He totally takes it for granted that we will give him money. He is manipulative as well and lies which is hurtful.

New Year new start OP!

Exactly this, they’ve never learned that there are different options other than scrounging from you, of course they expect you to pay up. Going NC when you don’t just proves how little respect they have for you yet they survive very well without your money when it suits them!

It's not ADHD that's the problem in this case.
It's abusive behaviour that's the issue.

There is a massive difference.

I'm so sorry OP. I have a close family member who always relied financially on our parent, manipulation always at play, emotional games, threats etc. Whereas I was forced to be independent, they were not. So they grew up differently and now parent is no longer with us.

They claim to have ADHD, but the behaviour really gets me because alot is blamed on the condition. Usually only when a decision they make goes unfavourably, because there are plenty of other things they can do and are capable of like research about avoiding child maintenance, purchases, projects they enjoy.

Pip plus other benefits now those extra are being illegally claimed. Such a victim and refuses to work, yet lots of stories and expected pity. I've been treated like a replacement parent at times, which I've had to put a stop to because also they're only in touch when they need something from me.

I do feel pity because they're in their 40s and refusing to take accountability. Life without a parent is hard but I can see them getting worse through choice too. It's just easier to make easy decisions especially without the parent who was such a crutch.

Please don't let yours become this, it's so very sad to watch. Letting them stand on their own two feet now will be better though, than once you are gone.

You can definitely say I'm here for you emotionally for support, now you've got all your benefits arranged, I just need to focus on my own finances for retirement etc.

Good luck.