How to deal with adult child’s continual demands for money

[OrangeEucalyptus]

DC is mid 20s, they live alone and dont work. They’re diagnosed with ADHD but won’t take medication or accept any help/support for their mental health.

They receive PIP and other benefits but are completely unable to budget or manage their finances so constantly expect me to bail them out. I have done in the past but their complete refusal to consider working or getting any sort of help makes me reluctant to keep encouraging it especially as they are quite reckless with the money they do have - they’ll spend it all on nights out or takeaways and then expect me to pay for food.

They can be quite nasty and manipulative and often cut me off for months at a time so I don’t even know if they are OK if I don’t do what they want. But I recognise that giving them money just means they have even less incentive to help themselves. And why should I when they are often unkind and rarely appreciative?

I know I need to maintain my boundaries but they are my child and their other parent (we’re not together) isn’t interested. But they are also an adult who should surely take some responsibility. I can’t force them to seek help and they don’t want my advice, just lifts and money. What can I do?

Could have written this myself : DD is 22 adhd , autism and mild learning disabilities.
we constantly help her out , in fairness she repays every month . It’s not easy and until you’re living it; very easy to judge . Sending hug and empathy ! X

I could've written this myself. My eldest is suspected ADHD but is undiagnosed. She has mental health issues. Lives with her boyfriend and neither of them know how to properly budget. They spend their money on weed and alcohol. She called a few weeks ago asking me to send money to get their shopping. After I had already told her the calling for money has to stop as its almost all I hear from her for. I said no she started crying and giving the guilt trip saying that she's starving and can't afford their food shop(despite having a huge bag of weed in their flat). Soon as they're paid they buy enough food for maybe a week or two and the rest goes on weed cigarettes etc. their flat is freezing as they won't put heating on as apparently it's too expensive despite them having over £1000 per month between them with no rent to pay from that as their UC pays the rent to their council. They're 21 and 25. Honestly I wish I had that left after forking out rent and I work for what I earn to provide for me and my younger kids

I have ADHD, diagnosed in later life. I have bumbled along not quite knowing why I was so exhausted at the weekends after a full day at work and wondering why I forgot certain things but if I was interested in something wham, learnt everything really easily as our motivation is interest, rather then needs led. I have managed to work and the shit only really hot the fan when I had kids and had to juggle so much more and didn’t get rest. Perimenopause was the final straw leading to diagnosis. I manage to work but like your adult child hate being told what to do. I have to figure it out for myself and this is sometimes a painful learning curve. I have to myself in to financial pickles but mostly managed to get myself out of it and it’s only in recent years that I’ve managed to understand budgeting after really being in financial poop. It was this wake up call that stirred me in to action. My parents had previously bailed me out but this time I refused, they’ve done enough and it was my mess to sort out. I have managed it and am proud of this.

I think you need to stop supporting them and let them work it out for themselves. The panic of having no money is likely the only way they will be motivated enough to face up to the problem and sort it out themselves. Hopefully they will understand this eventually.

@MissRaspberry Sorry you’re in the same position, it sounds very similar. DC had a partner until recently, neither worked but they received a healthy amount in benefits yet their flat was/is a complete tip and they never had money for food but somehow did for booze, nails and new clothes. It frustrates me that the system facilitates living like this - there’s literally no incentive to work and the lack of routine and reason to get up and function like a healthy adult just makes it worse.

Sorry not helpful but how on earth have your young adults been able to move out and get supported by benefits when my working young adults can’t afford to?
Seems like benefits and disability payments are indeed facilitating these young people opting out of work. Where is the incentive to?

What qualifications does she have?
How did she do at school
Did she go to uni or college?
What work has she done, if any? if it didn’t last, why not?
Does she / did she learn anything about how to manage her ADHD when she was younger?
If she did work how would it impact her benefits?
What kind of job do you think she could / should get?

i don’t know your daughter or her situation. But there are plenty of people on here with young adult children who are really struggling to find their path in life. On paper your daughter has been dealt a hard hand - one parent who’s not interested in her (have they ever been?), ADHD, and we don’t know about her younger life, how she did at school, why and how she came to move out.

Agreed. What an upside-down world we live in.

A friend of mine had a similar situation with her son. It started when he was thrown out of the house and lasted almost a decade.

Her husband wouldn't stand for it and had washed his hands of the situation, but her son knew exactly how to guilt her into getting his way. Lifts, money, shopping, bailing him out of whatever trouble he'd got himself into. Whenever he needed money it was because he owed it to 'dangerous people' who were threatening to hurt him or burn his flat down. If he needed a lift somewhere and she refused, he'd burst into tears and tell her he'd self harm if he was stuck in his flat. He'd sell furniture, TVs, cookware etc that she'd bought him and make up stories about masked men breaking in and robbing him. All lies.

It got to the point that the constant turmoil and arguments almost cost her her marriage. She did some counseling and finally found the strength to draw a line in the sand, cutting him off completely. It wasn't easy and she doesn't have a huge amount of contact with him now, but when she does see him it's a more normal mother/son relationship and not a constant cycle of guilt and manipulation.

You either give them food or tell them they need to get themselves referred to a food bank.

Otherwise you just let the situation persist and not get any better, which means they will be stuck in the life they chose.

Even with ADHD you still make life choices and chose to continue this life until you make the decision to change something.

He's not willing to change anything. That is his problem.

A question to parents raising their children not be self sufficient. What happens to them when you are no longer here to bail them out/ wait on them?

Aren't you creating a future disaster?

I’d be telling them to get off their lazy backside and get a job! I have ADHD and I’ve worked ever since I was a teenager, it’s not an excuse to not work and you’re enabling their fecklessness

The motivation to get a job has to come from somewhere. If there's no consequences for their actions how can they learn? Constantly bailing out doesn't help in the long term.

My uncle is in this situation. He lived with his mum until she died a year ago. He literally can't change a lightbulb.

He doesn't want to move. But he can't afford where he currently lives. He's not yet 50.

My dad (his half brother) is trying to help but he lives 5hrs away. (Thankfully).

It's a bit of a car crash to say the least. My parents are fed up of him ringing in a panic and then not listening to a word they say anyway. They say he acts like a child and are struggling with it. They are in their 70s.

He's almost certainly autistic/ ADHD. But isn't diagnosed. My parents tried to raise it with his mum years ago but were ignored.

Now the shit is hitting the fan. Assuming he outlives my parents it's only going to get worse. My parents have told me not to get in touch for obvious reasons down the line.

You don't avoid the problem by enabling it. You just kick the can down the road and ultimately make it worse. It's not being kind or supportive to do this. It just means the fall off the cliff gets bigger.

I’m in a very similar situation with my DD, although I’m raising her children too after they were removed by SS. It’s a very difficult situation to get out of and if it were as easy as just stopping the money, you’d have done it a long time ago! It doesn’t feel right to not help your child when they ask for money for food, even though you know they’ve spent all their money on crap.

In the new year I’m going to tell DD that we have to sit down and do a budget because I can’t carry on like this! Apart from the fact that it’s costing me a fortune, she isn’t learning to live within her means. It’s a tricky situation to be in and you have my sympathy.

NGL... I've been thinking recently about my late ADHD/ASD diagnosis and how it would have impacted my life if I had have been diagnosed when i was younger.
I always knew something wasnt right and I struggle with many things- in fact its only after diagnosis and talking with family I realise exactly how much and with what I do struggle.
As it was... despite never really reaching the expectations of teachers etc I did scrape through exams, got a career and then later did an MSc via work and ultimately did very well for myself. I've never been unemployed or on benefits of any kind.
Would a diagnosis have given me a 'get out'? Possibly. But because I had no 'excuse' or back up or hand outs I just had to get on with it.
Not saying that is right... but I do feel a diagnosis could possibly lead to people not even putting the effort in...especially if young when diagnosed.

**prepares to be flamed- of course I'm aware some people genuinely cannot function in the workplace and greater society

I was diagnosed as a child no medication and agree with all you said and am the same

I completely agree that the system is enabling them and when I see friends’ children who work but can’t afford their own place it feels so unfair on them. DC has their own place because we escaped DV, we were given somewhere but the whole situation affected them a lot and they ended up getting into trouble. Too much to go into here but the route that ended up with them in their own place is not one I’d recommend 🙁

I have an adult dc exactly the same. The amount they get in benefits is unbelievable. I actually think it’s too much as they have no concept of budgeting or saving as when they run out of money they are paid again within a few days so they manage. I do help them out if they say they are hungry but if it’s money for new clothes (they have plenty of clothes just not washed) or a random thing they don’t need I say no. I have had to be firmer over the years but it’s hard.

This will sound harsh.

You’re being manipulated and you’re falling for it, every time.

Unable to manage finances but able to cut you off for months? How are they not homeless then? They’re managing during those times, aren’t they?

The guilt trip - that’s on page one of the manipulator handbook, isn’t it? Can range from “my life is so shiiiit” to “I’ll just kill myself then because you won’t help me” type stuff. All from the same book.

Not able to work, but able to go on nights out. Incredible how people find their motivation and willingness to get up and go, when it’s for something fun rather than work. Remarkable.

You’ve created the monster, now you don’t like the result. No wonder.

Cut it off. Today. No bullshit, no falling for the “I didn’t ask to be bornnnn” style drama. Picture them later in life when you’re dead and buried. How are they going to function? Will it just be someone else’s (an unfortunate partner who’s too daft to see what they’re being lumbered with, perhaps) problem?

You’re failing as a parent, OP. Nothing you can do about the money you’ve given before but you can stop now.

@Glowingfire

They 100% are.

It’s absolutely appalling parenting. To not even attempt to give them the basic skills to function in the world as an adult is laughable. There are threads on MN every day from parents who’re at their wits end - but what did they expect?

Blame “the system”, the housing shortages, the job market, immigration…rarely will they look at themselves though.

People with kids who do grow up learning how to do day to day adult things should make sure that they do their best to avoid the feckless ones.

Why are you assuming it’s a male child? The OP has been very careful not to say, using “they”. Presumably to avoid the stereotype you’ve got in your head.

Does your DC have other diagnosed conditions as well as their ADHD? If not, I would stop bailing them out. They are choosing not to take medication which could possibly help them and ADHD does not mean they can’t control being manipulative and nasty towards you. Cutting you off for months at a time is awful. I would say to them that you’re going to stop now with giving them money. If they want more money then they can get a job.

Him/her what does it matter. I'm adhd im female. I dont sponge off my family. Whatever your gender having adhd isn't an excuse to be lazy and not work.

My friend was in a similar situation to you. She explained clearly to her DD that her job as a mum was to help her grow up to become independent, because she wouldn't be around forever. She wouldn't be doing her job as a mum if she continued to support DD as a child now that she was an adult. Set out boundaries e.g. I will not give you cash, I will take you on one food shop per month if you absolutely need it but only for another e.g. 12m. Reassured she was here to support DD any time she wanted to try to study, work etc.
Rinse and repeat, consistently, ignore the abusive texts, ignore the ignoring (she always came back in touch). Years later it is much better. DD might hint at needing money for something but my friend doesnt bite and DD knows that boundary is there.
Good luck!

My daughters the same early 20s also in receipt of pip and blows the lot in 2 days then asks to borrow money all month , I've started saying no and told her she needs to stop being so reckless with her money and blowing it all . Hers goes on the same things takeaways taxis etc and I'm over it she needs to grow up .