How to deal with adult child’s continual demands for money

[OrangeEucalyptus]

DC is mid 20s, they live alone and dont work. They’re diagnosed with ADHD but won’t take medication or accept any help/support for their mental health.

They receive PIP and other benefits but are completely unable to budget or manage their finances so constantly expect me to bail them out. I have done in the past but their complete refusal to consider working or getting any sort of help makes me reluctant to keep encouraging it especially as they are quite reckless with the money they do have - they’ll spend it all on nights out or takeaways and then expect me to pay for food.

They can be quite nasty and manipulative and often cut me off for months at a time so I don’t even know if they are OK if I don’t do what they want. But I recognise that giving them money just means they have even less incentive to help themselves. And why should I when they are often unkind and rarely appreciative?

I know I need to maintain my boundaries but they are my child and their other parent (we’re not together) isn’t interested. But they are also an adult who should surely take some responsibility. I can’t force them to seek help and they don’t want my advice, just lifts and money. What can I do?

Right stop this.

They can not say you are trying to control them AND THEN demand money from you. This is DAVRO: it's abusive behaviour.

You IMMEDIATELY need to reframe this and say you aren't playing this game anymore. You are not responsible for them financially. They are responsible for themselves financially. You give them money because you feel obligated because of their abusive demands.

Therefore yes you can say that any future GIFTS of money are absolutely dependent on the abusive behaviour stopping and them taking responsibility for themselves in other ways (not necessarily financial). This requires engagement to stop this cycle.

You need to see it in this way and TELL them this and then absolutely stick to this. It is NOT you controlling them. If they don't want to engage that is their CHOICE. If this leaves them screwed financially the food bank is that way and citizens advice for help with finances is that way.

But you need to do this for their own long term benefit - because they won't be able to abusive you financially forever.

And you do need to start seeing this yourself as financial abuse. Cos it is.

Something has to change to break the cycle. You can only control your role in this by saying yes or no. They have to make the rest of the changes and they won't make those changes unless you do start saying no.

Look up FOG (fear obligation and guilt) and start thinking about what you are doing to enable this abusive behaviour.

You may well HAVE to go cold turkey and let them get the fuck on with making their own bad decisions. They need to take ownership of those decisions because you can't stop them from making them precisely because you AREN'T controlling.

Do you have other adult support? Adult family members, a close friend? Someone who can help you be strong here?

It won’t be easy, of course it won’t, but you’re not some young child who can be led by the hand into danger. You have your wits about you (otherwise you wouldn’t have the insight you have) and you’ve been given loads of good advice on this thread.

Good luck, honestly. Try and reframe it as helping them to help themselves. One day when you’re not here, nobody is going to care if they struggle or not, so give them the skills now for when they need to rely on themselves.

I have a feeling you’ll be pleasantly surprised at their ability to cope when the bank of mum closes.

Basically they can't have it both ways - control you by demanding financially and then throw their toys out the pram if you say no saying you are being controlling if you put conditions in the money.

It's the height of entitlement. They are not entitled to your money. Their life is theirs to sort the fuck out as an adult. Or to fuck up by refusal to seek appropriate help if they really need it.

Let me guess, he games all day and night…

@GingerBeverage spot on and I’m aware it’s not helping.

@Kibble19 wider family have washed their hands of them, it’s sad but I can see their point although I’d have appreciated some support for me. My partner is supportive but finds it hard to see me being hurt and is reluctant to get too involved other than being there for me and offering advice.

Your son is abusing you.

He may be ADHD and have issues but I think you need to separate that from the fact he's abusive.

ADHD is not an excuse to be abusive.

Frame it like this and seek assistance from this perspective.

https://www.talkspace.com/blog/abusive-adult-children/#:~:text=Financial%20abuse%20by%20adult%20children,money%20or%20stealing%20from%20accounts

I find that quite hard to read having come out of an abusive relationship and it’s also quite hard to admit that you are right.

Whilst you enable their behaviour they’ll continue to do it!

Unfortunately if you have come out of an abusive relationship previously you are more likely to tolerate an abusive relationship with a child because you don't recognise an abusive relationship as easily.

Be gentle on yourself. It will take a while to come to terms with but if you recognise it it's half the battle going forward.

My mum is still bailing my abusive brother out. He is 48, she is 75. He always has some sob story ready for when he wants money. He manipulates her and has done for decades. She has very little money now for her pension. She still works full-time and can't afford to retire. Don't let this be you. Your son needs to learn to manage his own finances. You will not be around forever.

Ah, OP, that changes things. We have significant trauma in my family too. As I’ve got older and understood my conditions better, it’s become obvious how very paralysing and limiting the trauma has been. More so than the AuDHD. You might want to think about therapy for your DC before addressing the ADHD. I’ve had EMDR, among many other therapies. It’s the only one I’d recommend. It changed my life in weeks in ways decades of talking therapies failed to do.

Not to say that gives your DC an excuse to do nothing for the rest of their life, but addressing it could make all the difference.

Let them know that your advice and practical support (e.g. with budgeting, applying for jobs) is unlimited, but your financial support from now on will be limited to £x per month (if you still wish to give them some money). Every time they ask for money above this amount, reiterate that your financial support is limited but your advice and practical support is unlimited. Good luck!

It's honestly ridiculous. They get a lot. Daughter has been telling us all her boyfriend has been awarded PIP now but I can imagine they'll still come asking for money as all he sees is that it's more money for their weed habit. They'll get paid today and she's ordered an online shop which will hardly last a week let alone the fortnight it's supposed to last until they're paid again(they had the UC split into two payments) she showed me her order which is probably just over £100 but almost half that cost is alcohol. I went round to visit the other night and whilst their flat is clean and tidy it's absolutely freezing as they won't put heating on stating they can't afford to as they've barely got any money! I left within less than an hour as even I couldn't bare the cold let alone my younger kids I said how does she cope with being that cold she said they're used to it now and they can't afford the heating cost

You need to just say no. It’s frustrating that they can get a flat/house paid for plus PIP for ADHD - yet young people working are stuck at their parents because they can’t afford to move out. There’s no incentive to work & they obviously get enough if they are buying take outs etc. I think it’s awful they cut you off & then get back in touch when they want something. I honestly think getting PIP for ADHD is enabling people to not work. Plenty of people work with ADHD & they just pick a job which they can manage.

Tough love op.
Whatever you do will never be enough so best set your boundaries and try to detach from the guilt.

Honestly OP, say no and enjoy the peace.

My brother is still doing this to my mum in his 40s and it makes her life hell, he wont change whilst you are giving into his demands. I know its not that easy as he is your son and you will worry, but it is the best thing in the long run for both of you (you are important too).

Like Blueeyes13, says, I have a friend almost 70, son 40, went back to live with her (she already has a younger disabled DC,who actually works and is pretty much self reliant) after marriage breakdown. He has given her hell! She still has to work, while he drank, vomitted,took drugs, spent all his savings, different woman every night. Damaged her property, then the physical attacks. She's tiny under 7 st,he's big, earning around £2k a week, plus a couple of cash in hand jobs. He has kids he doesn't support, one used to stay with her, refusing now. She asked him to leave a few times, then told him.she kept saying "but he's my son,a young boy". I have a son same age with rcbpd and severe depression,he was on medication, when he was younger, I had a lot of input. He didn't want to take medication,he turned his life around. No drugs,no alcohol,90 minutes yoga a day,60 minutes power walking or cycling, very fussy about what he eats. He will never be able to go to work, he has hobbies, unfortunately no friends now,he ditched them years ago, because they were into drugs. He is very careful with his money, very occasionally has borrowed as a last resort and paid it back quickly..
.

dont give in op
dont let them starve but buy them food if necessary
suggest work

Oh OP! Sympathy from me but no advice as I’m in a similar situation and have often thought of starting my own thread.

My adult child is early 20s and currently out of work and not claiming benefits. They live in my house and I pay all bills and food. It’s so hard when it is your child.

Good luck with stopping the handouts - you’ve got this! (Now I need to listen to my own advice)!

You do realise that you are still in an abusive relationship.

It's difficult because you worry about them, but learning is life & life is learning.
Sending you lots of love...mum of ASD lad just turned 18!!!

Agree 100%. This is why lots of people criticise PIP. ADHD should not prevent getting a job and I know several with that diagnosis who do work.

Life is bad for them because they won’t take the meds.

If they have an illness that affects every aspect of their lives and will reduce their life expectancy by around 12 years but there is a daily medication that will reduce or even nullify the affects and extend their life span to that of everyone else why won’t they take medication

I would tell them you will help them get the meds they need.
You will call the place where they were diagnosed and get them an appointment to start titrating. You will take them to each appointment whilst they are going through the medications to find the right meds at the required strength they need and you will face time them everyday to remind them to take their meds

If they won’t help themselves then why should anyone else help them.

You need to help them but not with things that involve paying out money. They need help accessing the knowledge to mitigate their adhd

I would offer to go on their pip as appointee and help them pay their bills (with their money obv) and then give them the remaining once all is paid OR sot down and write out a budget with them but i would tell them no more money from yourself as you cant afford to keep doing it.