How to deal with adult child’s continual demands for money

[OrangeEucalyptus]

DC is mid 20s, they live alone and dont work. They’re diagnosed with ADHD but won’t take medication or accept any help/support for their mental health.

They receive PIP and other benefits but are completely unable to budget or manage their finances so constantly expect me to bail them out. I have done in the past but their complete refusal to consider working or getting any sort of help makes me reluctant to keep encouraging it especially as they are quite reckless with the money they do have - they’ll spend it all on nights out or takeaways and then expect me to pay for food.

They can be quite nasty and manipulative and often cut me off for months at a time so I don’t even know if they are OK if I don’t do what they want. But I recognise that giving them money just means they have even less incentive to help themselves. And why should I when they are often unkind and rarely appreciative?

I know I need to maintain my boundaries but they are my child and their other parent (we’re not together) isn’t interested. But they are also an adult who should surely take some responsibility. I can’t force them to seek help and they don’t want my advice, just lifts and money. What can I do?

Do you not think I’ve tried to teach them life skills? I’ve done the best I can with very little support, I accept I could have done some things differently/better but you try bringing up a child with complex needs on your own particularly when you and they know their other parent doesnt give a damn. Things were better when they were younger and we had support from school etc but once kids hit 18 they fall through the cracks in the system. They also start making their own life choices, not always good ones. I don’t need to be guilt-tripped for doing my best especially as their behaviour has hurt me more than anyone.

Their disability must be significant to be getting PIP. Did they score points for struggling to manage money/ budgeting ? If so maybe they are just struggling to control spending etc. Are you their appointee for benefits?

Could you reframe the help you’re providing?

”I’m unable to support you financially, but I want to help you to be independent and secure. I don’t want you to be unable to cope when I’m not here any more. To help you long term, I have to make sure you’re not reliant on me and can manage yourself. This is my responsibility as your parent.”

This might mean helping them make a mo they budget, meal plan, etc - or finding a service that can provide this guidance.

It must be so hard for you. If you offer this they may still cut you off, but at least it will be clear that they are entirely selfish and irresponsible and you’ve done all you can.

Madness that benefits are being paid to people to spend on weed and booze. they should pay it just in food vouchers in situations like this. I do appreciate that these claimants with difficulties are self medicating with booze and weed but it's madness that the money is being spent like this . I see it time and time again in my job role. They should be made to have an appointee to help with budgeting.

*monthly budget

I agree. Ofc basic food . Never money.

Would it be possible to hire some kind of PA for your DD? Someone to help her manage setting up direct debits for bills and to point out to her that if she's not earning then her spending has to be restricted tightly? Does she have a social worker?

It might be a better use of your money, and kids will often take advice from someone who isn't their parent.

I have two close adult family members with ADHD. Both are terrible with money but to my knowledge have never tried to scrounge money off their parents. One has no qualifications, the other went to uni, they both work and are nice people who are not entitled. I’m sorry you are going through this op. ADHD can be tough to deal with, but it doesn’t mean you are an entitled, unpleasant person who expects your parents to sort your life for them - many (most?) people get on with their lives and take responsibility, Sadly your DC currently isn’t one of them but giving them money is really just enabling them and continuing the cycle? I do think you need to be strong here and say no to money, but support them in other ways (and be prepared to go LC or NC for a bit if necessary).

They’d sell the vouchers

Just tell them to get a job and they will receive no more money from you. They have 2 hands and 2 feet I assume. Stop allowing you and society to bail them out.

You are describing my brother. My dad FINALLY cut him off in terms of financial handouts. Funnily enough, he had to find ways to sort his own shit out. You’re not helping by constantly being a fall back. My sister and I are also diagnosed with ADHD- yes money management can be harder for us but it’s not an excuse. Your son can work but doesn’t want to and knows you’ll just sort it for him

True. There are no easy answers I agree.

The benefit used to be paid to me with their agreement and I’d give it to them to help with budgeting but they accused me of stealing from them so I changed it and it’s now paid direct.

People with ADHD significant enough to be claiming PIP are not going to find it easy to just get a job though, especially in the current climate where graduates and experienced people are struggling to find work.

Cutting them off immediately, although perfectly legitimate, might be too abrupt for both of you. I would tell them that in 3 months (or whatever works for you) the support stops cold turkey. Not as punishment but to help them learn vital skills to be independent. They're always welcome to yours for a meal if they're hungry but no more money.

If they cut you off for a while, so be it. They'll be back and as they mature they'll realise you did it in their best interests.

I know it’s not as easy as ‘they should get a job’ but If they are on PIP then they should have a reasonable level of income, especially if they have enough to abuse it by getting takeaways and having nights out. Clearly this is about poor budgeting rather than not having enough money. Believe me, if the bank of mum vanished they would have absolutely no choice but to manage their money better. I think you can withdraw your financial support without feeling guilty that they genuinely won’t have enough.
If I were you, I would provide one last bit of financial help, if they ask, only so that you know in good conscience that you have gave a warning and prepared them for the fact that nothing more will be forthcoming. Say to them that this is the last help you will be giving because you are worried that you are not actually helping by bailing them out and they must prioritise and manage what money they do have better. If they cut off contact I’m afraid that’s up to them. Right now, the threat of cutting you off is being used as a tool to manipulate you. Don’t let it. If anything, a bit of no contact time might do them the world of good if it means they will have to help themself.

It’s time for tough love. They are capable of arranging to go on nights out with friends so they are capable of going food shopping and arranging other parts of their lives. Do not subsidise their lifestyle anymore. There are millions of neurodiverse people (including me) who take responsibility for ourselves and wouldn’t dream of demanding money from relatives and being abusive to them in return!

Sounds like you’re describing my SD. She’s only nice to get what she wants, any boundaries to try and get her to take responsibility and grow up a bit are met with abuse and her cutting people off. Her personal favourite is to put posts all over social media calling people abusive etc when she doesn’t get her own way. This has been a direct result of her getting her own way throughout her childhood. I’m done with it now. Just seen yet another post online about me that’s a total lie, saying last Christmas I told her she’d ruined the day and to stay in her room. She wasn’t even here with us last Christmas. Yet more lies to gain sympathy. 🙄

I don’t have to tolerate an abusive adult in my home or my life. I don’t have to fix what I didn’t break.

Strangely enough, my own children with SEN aren’t this feckless and manipulative, mainly because they actually got told ‘no’ occasionally growing up.

No idea what the answer is OP. My SD is too far gone I think and will never change. You definitely need to put some boundaries in place and stick to them. Let them cut you off.

No idea what you’ve done in the past.

All I have to go on is what you’ve written here. And what you’ve written is you continually facilitating the money handouts, but have commented several times on here that “the system” is making it too easy.

The solution is easy - you stop infantilising an adult and setting them up to fail in the future. You tell them why, and let them have their little tantrum. No engagement, no reaction, no drama.

I’m sure you have already looked into this but just incase you haven’t, have you checked for any local support specifically for people like your DC who are struggling to progress?

There are programmes where we are for young adults who need extra support, they include volunteering opportunities to boost CV’s, help applying for jobs with companies they have links with, help with money/life management skills- have a look at your local college’s to see if there is anything similar where you are?

Totally agree with this.

People with ADHD do often struggle with budgeting and impulsive behavior - I am one of them and it took decades for me to develop better habits. I have luckily always worked, but lost a number of jobs in my 20s and early 30s through being totally chaotic, disorganized and forgetful, and can only now function in my job with the help of a support worker.

I hesitate to give advice because I don't know the particular combination of factors troubling your adult child, but I am inclined to agree with posters who say that continuing to hand out money on demand probably isn't helping your child towards independence. Other forms of support would probably be more useful - e.g. directing them to sources of support, encouraging them to understand their condition better in order to manage it better, etc.

They may or may not be able to engage with that advice right now, but it doesn't mean your only remaining option is to hand out money. It is OK to say to them that you can't continue to fund them because you don't have the money. It doesn't mean you don't love them. You need to look after your own health, sanity and financial future too. Don't set yourself on fire trying to keep them warm.

One thing which I’m wondering if it could be a halfway step would be to give dc an option to earn money from you rather than have a handout.

Could you offer £10 an hour for things like mowing the lawn or cleaning your house? That way you can be confident that there’s no chance of running out of food completely but equally you’re holding the boundary of no more handouts. Plus hopefully dc is learning some useful skills for employment….

You’re right of course but it’s easier said than done when someone is a) your child and b) so manipulative.

I have but they refuse to engage with anything thats my suggestion because it’s seen as me trying to control their life. Thanks though, I think this sort of thing would be incredibly useful if they would accept it.