How to deal with adult child’s continual demands for money

[OrangeEucalyptus]

DC is mid 20s, they live alone and dont work. They’re diagnosed with ADHD but won’t take medication or accept any help/support for their mental health.

They receive PIP and other benefits but are completely unable to budget or manage their finances so constantly expect me to bail them out. I have done in the past but their complete refusal to consider working or getting any sort of help makes me reluctant to keep encouraging it especially as they are quite reckless with the money they do have - they’ll spend it all on nights out or takeaways and then expect me to pay for food.

They can be quite nasty and manipulative and often cut me off for months at a time so I don’t even know if they are OK if I don’t do what they want. But I recognise that giving them money just means they have even less incentive to help themselves. And why should I when they are often unkind and rarely appreciative?

I know I need to maintain my boundaries but they are my child and their other parent (we’re not together) isn’t interested. But they are also an adult who should surely take some responsibility. I can’t force them to seek help and they don’t want my advice, just lifts and money. What can I do?

To be fair it must be difficult to live financially without work? Is there a reason at that age they chose to live independently?

Sounds like you’re still in an abusive relationship. Stop enabling them, you can see they are using you for money. Child or not stop giving them money.

Dd3 has recently been diagnosed with ADHD and is probably has ASD as well. She has just turned 18 and it's as if the diagnosis has given her permission to take her mask off and 'revel' in her ADHDness! Of course she should be able to be herself but not even trying to be organised eg by using her calender etc is such a pain! I won't be here for ever so she needs to make adjustments. I can see money just slipping through her hands.

Courage, OP. I think you know you need to cut them off completely. It will be realty difficult to do it properly, stick to your guns, and not cave in at times, but keep telling yourself that you're doing this for them, because you love them and want them learn how to function as adults.

Like other people have said, I would never let them go without food, though. If they ask for money, when you say no you can offer to pay for an online shop at most.

PIP would be paid regardless of whether someone was employed or not.

Those that you know are in work are most likely taking meds to get them organised enough to get to work and could also be claiming PIP

PIP is there for the extra stuff you need to buy to manage your illness or condition
It doesnt stop because you have found a job.

PIP would be paid regardless of whether someone was employed or not.

Those that you know are in work are most likely taking meds to get them organised enough to get to work and could also be claiming PIP

PIP is there for the extra stuff you need to buy to manage your illness or condition
It doesnt stop because you have found a job.

PIP isn’t there to pay household bills.

Can I ask why don’t you take the medication

Given the effects unmedicated ADHD has on things like life expectancy and the higher risk of other issues I am always interested to know why people can’t or won’t take meds. There are so many meds out there.

Unfortunately your dd will never grow up. I get it, I really do. We have a mid 40s family member living with and sponging off his mum. She had poa from her mum and stole 20k to feed his drug and clothes buying antics (more like 40k these days). He beats her up from time to time, strangles her. My mother has also enabled a monster in my brother. Financially dependent most of the time but she infantilises him in so many other ways. He takes too many risks and needs surgery, which my mum now wants to pay for, when he spent tens of thousands on a woman in the past 12 months, who is clearly after bleeding him dry.

Just reading the comments on the first page I don’t think people know what ADHD is

The NT replies to a ND problem

Do you think that saying to someone with ADHD that they need to find a job or you won’t help them is going to miraculously mean they get a job.

If you need money to buy stuff get a job.

It’s like a comedy sketch the hilarious replies

Would you say to someone with a broken spine that you aren’t going to help them until they just walk one step on their own. Because that is what you are asking.

Isayitasitis When someone says high or low functioning why do you not like that description.

When you are assessed there is a score Mine was 9/9 in all 4 areas. I didn’t work a regular job (full or part time) for decades.

I did do 2 years of tying myself in knots and feeling completely overwhelmed and exhausted trying to keep this mask of normality going and ended up having a nervous breakdown. I repeated this scenario 3 times until I just gave up.

In all honesty I did “regress” initially after the diagnosis was confirmed… it’s a bit … oh, well - I do this because of adhd , rather than trying to take steps to address the issue. Because obviously I don’t exist in a vacuum and my behaviour affects others. It’s a balance… she’ll hopefully improve with your support x

Adhd isn't a disability for goodness sake. They need to get a job.

Do you think all ADHD is the same?

I certainly didn’t manage and what made it worse was I had no idea anything was wrong.
I just though I was lazy and stupid for not being able to hold down a f/t job

Would you say to someone with a broken spine that you aren’t going to help them until they just walk one step on their own. Because that is what you are asking.

Wrong comparison. This is a straw man argument.

Would I say to someone with a broken spine that I'm not prepared to enable them to skateboard and to put themselves at further risk of permanent more serious disability until they took the medical support they had been offered? Yes I would.

The problem here is the refusal to engage with medical and other available support which is recommended for this condition to enable a better quality of life which is impacting significantly on the life of someone else.

It's like someone who needs a hip replacement saying "nope I don't need one, because dipshit here will do everything for me instead because I threaten and guilt them enough and I prefer that option even if it's making them miserable and taking away their freedom and life cos its easier and gives me a kick as I feel in control when I do it".

He is making a conscious decision to financially abused his mother rather than get off his pc and get help which he knows he needs by his own admission.

The idea that he is incapable of doing this, when so many people with very severe ADHD somehow manage it is infantilising and frankly offensive.

Ebok1990
ADHD is a disability

It is classed as a disability.

Does he have ADHD/ASD ?

My dd has quite severe ADHD.

Paralysed with anxiety a lot of time. I wish she didn’t have it. It ruins her life and capability.

Don’t dismiss it quite so easily.

💯. UK rewards failure and penalises the hard-working.

OP - your own history of abuse is in play here and you need to attend to supporting yourself (accessing help for yourself) in addition to considering your role in helping your child.

If you do want to help your child financially, you can do so through offering to fund specific things and making direct payments for them. If you have significant funds, you could look to pay for a PA who can help with life admin. You shared that your child won’t take advice or guidance from you and a PA could provide a solution.

I have seen the quality of life of quite a few of my patients significantly improve through PA support funded through PIP. The PAs have helped them set up and implement systems for getting up and out in time for appointments, staying on top of laundry and housework, form filling etc. PAs don’t come with the emotional baggage and history that is shared between family members.

I really hope you access the support you need to access this challenging situation.

Well maybe you could approach this in a different way.

You cannot change them or their behaviour. What you can do is try to adapt your reaction to it. You say they are guilt-tripping you, so perhaps you could think about changing how you respond to their attempts to guilt-trip you. Their situation (and everything in the past that led up to it) is not your fault. You have tried to help them and had it rejected. So please do consider whether you have anything to feel guilty about.

Does their benefits cover their rent? Is he on UC or ESA as well? If so he shouldn't be on the bones of his arse. Does he smoke? Drink, do drugs?

If he's used to asking you and getting it then it's just a bad habit.

As others say, tell him to do diy jobs or useful things for money. Tell him you're struggling yourself and need to think of care fees when you get older so the money is going to have to stop.

If he blanks you then so be it. Don't let his manipulation work anymore.

@Paganpentacle it’s interesting how there has been a huge rise in people being diagnosed with ADHD & it makes sense now if they are getting DLA & PIP & not being expected to ever work.

It seems that there are a much bigger number of young people claiming PIP for ADHD than other age groups & it makes you wonder how Gen X and boomers ever coped with working. Also if this is an accepted disability then how can we afford to keep up with such a sharp increase in claimants?

https://www.benefitsandwork.co.uk/personal-independence-payment-pip/pip-health-conditions/claim-pip-for-adhd

Age rangeThe ages of those currently in receipt of PIP for ADHD are:

• 16-29 years 79%
• 30-49 years 19%
• 50-64 years 2%
• 65 and over 0%

It depends how badly you are affected… it’s not the diagnosis that gets you the PIP… it’s how much help you require.
I have adhd and asd.
Always worked… never been on any benefits. I suspect the majority of people affected do not claim
benefits.

Gen X- late diagnosis.
Always worked, because I didn’t know I had an actual problem and frankly I was brought up
to work, earn and pay your way….