How to deal with adult child’s continual demands for money

[OrangeEucalyptus]

DC is mid 20s, they live alone and dont work. They’re diagnosed with ADHD but won’t take medication or accept any help/support for their mental health.

They receive PIP and other benefits but are completely unable to budget or manage their finances so constantly expect me to bail them out. I have done in the past but their complete refusal to consider working or getting any sort of help makes me reluctant to keep encouraging it especially as they are quite reckless with the money they do have - they’ll spend it all on nights out or takeaways and then expect me to pay for food.

They can be quite nasty and manipulative and often cut me off for months at a time so I don’t even know if they are OK if I don’t do what they want. But I recognise that giving them money just means they have even less incentive to help themselves. And why should I when they are often unkind and rarely appreciative?

I know I need to maintain my boundaries but they are my child and their other parent (we’re not together) isn’t interested. But they are also an adult who should surely take some responsibility. I can’t force them to seek help and they don’t want my advice, just lifts and money. What can I do?

Money in exchange for jobs.

When money is requested say no, but direct them to casual work.

Wean them off you, tell them you don't have money, but offer them groceries instead.

It would be quite reasonable never to give them anything again. Unfortunately I think they may disappear for a long time, but you can’t control that. I would still send messages and pictures (unless they block you).

Id tell them that you’ve made this decision. There are sources of help out there; job centre, Stepwise etc. Could be sensible to have one of these in mind to direct them to if they are giving you a hard time.

Just stop financially supporting them. They are adults and should be able to cope. Tough love is required. If you were unable to fund their lifestyle for any reason they would have to realistically look after themselves. You are enabling their careless attitude.

Personally I think that PIP in this case is making the whole situation worse.

I completely agree, it’s not giving them the independence it’s intended to just enabling them to not take responsibility.

I have tried buying them food but they still call asking for money and guilt-tripping me about how bad their life is.

Why isn't your adult child working? Let them know if they want to purchase items they need to work.

Stop supporting him financially. Give help in practical ways. He needs to get a job and support himself. Having adhd isn't a reason to a lazy adult.

Just stop giving money. It’s enabling, as you know.

The only way you can change this at all is by completely stopping giving them money. There is no easy fix. ADHD might make it harder to manage money etc but it doesn’t make you rude, mean and entitled. They are using and manipulating you. It has to stop.

Clearly, this is difficult because there is the emotional aspect.

First of all, work out for yourself what you are and are not happy doing. That might be that you need to stop supplying money at all. It might be that you’re happy to give them £50 a month. Or something else.

Once you have worked out what you are happy with you can then tell them that that is the new arrangement. So you say to them “you are in your 20s now, you have offer of support for your health and work which you have chosen not to take up and it’s not my responsibility to compensate you for that anymore”. Or you can say “you ask me for money a lot and it creates an unexpected & unpredictable strain on me therefore I will be giving you £50 once a month on the first of the month from now on and I will not be giving you any more than that”.

And then you just need to “grey rock” and repeat your position through all of their whingeing and complaining.

But the first thing you must do is work out what your position is because at the moment, they’ve always got you on the back foot.

It must be tough, especially if they’ll not speak to you as a result, but they will only learn how to budget if they have no back up (ie you). It sounds like they need to help themselves and grow up a bit.

You are failing them by enabling them OP. You need to stop and they need to get a job, even if part time just to cover what you’d normally subsidise.

I have ADHD and I am completely financially independent and working full time. I would never treat my parents like this, even when I was in my 20s.

Your adult offspring need to take accountability for themselves. I am unmedicated but I still use practical methods to help myself. Part of self accountability for any disability, is learning to work with your issues and make the best life for yourself possible. It's not easy but it is doable. I would check to see if there are any adult charities that can help your adult with personal issues and goals to get back on track with life.

I personally would stop being their personal bank, especially when they verbally abuse you. This is not ADHD, this is unfortunately on them and their personality. While you are enabling them, they are not helping themselves.

You don't have to be anyone's personal punch bag, parent or not.

They survive during the months they choose to have no contact with you. They also know during those months they are hurting you by refusing contact. That is a choice not an unavoidable consequence of ND.

When they try to guilt trip you because their life is so terrible tell them having a job would improve that immeasurably. They would have money, a purpose and independence. The best you can offer out of that is independence.

Thank you this is so useful, I thought I’d get grief for not being more supportive but it’s not my advice and practical support they want. I don’t know where they’ve got this entitled attitude from and it makes me sad.

Providing a small weekly food shop would be beyond what is required, but shows support in a practical way. If you keep handing over money the demands will never stop.

I’m sure you’ve tried but I think the way this situation gets better is them getting a job, even if part time. Have they ever worked? Do they have qualifications?

I’m afraid they need to get on with it and earn some money. I have ADHD and recently started medication. It’s utterly life changing. If target still couldn’t work after they’d tried everything that would be different. There will be some form
of work that they can do. I am AuDHD and consider myself to have a disability, but I am also a professional with a good career.

I think there are different levels of ADHD. Some people cope some don’t. Nothing you say is unheard of for ADHD. If they get Pip are they up to a job?

I don’t have the answer. Just don’t be pressurised. They do have a disability though. And it sounds quite severe. It’s not always cba to get a job.

Id talk to them and say you can’t fund them anymore.

You say you don't know where this entitled attitude has come from, but it's pretty clear to me. You've always bailed DC out, so they expect it. An adult who lives alone is capable of looking after themselves, including budgeting their money. You need to step away and leave them to figure it out, maybe finally DC will decide to get help, including taking medication. As other posters have said, DC seems to manage just fine during the periods where they have cut you off.

Of course there are different levels but I really hate the high and low functioning stuff (not saying you said that at all and im just expanding on this topic, not at you personally, henceforth)

We all have issues with it, it can be different of course. I may appear to people on the outside to have it together but I have to work extra hard to keep it like this, especially unmedicated. If my life falls to shit and out of a routine, it stresses me out no end. I have reasonable adjustments at work (quite minor) but it is still on me to be able to do my job and keep to deadlines. I had to work with my self to find the best way to do this.

The difference to me, is being willing to work on yourself. You may have issues but what is stopping someone getting support to help with those issues. It's not a perfect system but there is help out there. I found a charity that helps people with ADHD in my area. I've gone to their meetings time to time and learned about access to work, where I can get funding for ADHD coaching. Still waiting for that. Being amongst people who are like me but also very different, was really helpful. It made me feel less alone. I learned a lot of self help techniques online by constantly researching different ADHD influencers videos, official research, signing up to additude mag and helpful articles. I want to work with myself, I've struggled for too long.

I am far from perfect and I struggle with chores terribly. But I keep trying. I use my phone calendar to organise me, use direct debits to ensure bills are never forgotten. Multiple alarms and notifications for things. It can be done.

And this does not give this person an excuse to be verbally abusive to their parent. That certainly isn't ADHD.

But that’s you. My dd is quite severe and struggles to talk and communicate. You can function at a reasonable level. But not everyone can.

I agree there should be no unpleasantness or abuse to parents.

I did say that was me. I didn't list everything I struggle with. Otherwise we'd be here all night. I was only diagnosed late on in life and I've had to learn how to cope without even knowing what was wrong with me. It's only since doing a lot of work on researching my condition and learning to work with it, have things have become a bit better. That doesn't mean it worked on the first go, it has taken me years. Neurotypical way doesn't work for me.

You daughter sounds different though, may I ask, if it's not too rude, does she also have learning difficulties and is this what hinders her communication? You do not have to answer that.

I think additional learning disabilities makes it different again you see.

I'm just trying to highlight the work I was willing to put in to make my life bearable. It all takes a little accountability. I am not talking about people with additional issues.

Plus I did say it wasn't at you personally, I was expanding on the topic.

I also have other issues like dyscalculia and dyspraxia. Plus GAD.

No, she’s super bright, just very socially anxious and not good at iniating.

Shes very determined though, but just wouldn’t do any of the things you do. Her mind is also constantly exhausted so she has very limited energy.

It’s encouraging to hear that people with similar disabilities are able to work and function relatively normally with medication and support. Sadly I think the only way DC would accept this is if it was suggested by someone other than me - they see it as me trying to control them if I suggest any sort of practical steps - funnily enough it’s not controlling when I’m paying for things 🙄

They have only worked briefly when they were younger so have few skills or qualifications and very little experience which I know will make finding work harder but it’s frustrating that they won’t even try. The ADHD doesnt stop them doing other things so it seems unreasonable to think it should stop them working.