Confronting STBX tomorrow about the OW.

[PeeledOranges]

I've a thread somewhere about how I discovered my partner of 5 years has been seeing another woman.
After I recovered from the shock I've done lots of snooping and have a catalogue of evidence of what's he's been up to. It makes horrible reading tbh. An 18 month affair plus various dating profiles and many sexting conversations. Also a penchant for being called Daddy by women half his age while he talks about spanking them.
There has been much to digest!

Stbx has been away all weekend with his mates so he told me. He's actually holed up in a cottage with the OW. Obviously he doesn't know that I know all this. He sent me a photo of him and his mates from 2 years ago trying to pretend this was them last night.

I need to confront him on his return tomorrow evening. I've waited til Christmas is done because of my DC.

I guess I need a small handhold. I'm scared, I don't feel I know this man at all now. I've got two friends who I've told everything so I'm not completely alone. One friend said I should message him while he's away and spoil his weekend. I'm unsure about this. I don't really know how to begin the conversation when he comes back.

I hate him and want to claw his eyes out. (I won't). I have my ducks in a row as much as I can.
I'm shaking thinking about it.

I wouldn’t be able to refrain from saying anything but I would wait as long as possible to get as much money saved and your children through school. Then I would tell him exactly what I know and get pleasure in the fact I’ve had enough self control to not say anything for weeks. Then if he kicks off and it turns nasty you can go to council and ask for emergency accommodation which may be a hotel but at least you’ll have had the satisfaction of confronting him. Then claim UC and find a private rental

I agree with this. Start your claim asap explain and they may backdate your entitlement. Absolutely take your share out of joint savings otherwise he may draw the lot! The Housing Team at the local Council used to have a deposit scheme where they helped people who could not afford a deposit. Please ensure your safety as you do not really "know" this man. I do not know if he has been like this from when you first settled down as a couple, but doubt that he showed it if he was, otherwise I assume you would have left long ago. You therefore you do not know his real charcter which could be worse than cheating and that is bad enough. I am not going to quiz you about moving in with him in the first place when the house is in his name as hindsight is a wonderful thing, and it is not my or any other people's business why you did. You are asking for advice in the here and now, not 5 years ago and I am sure that there are many things that have opened your eyes, and lessons you have learn't in this relationship moving forward. Tread carefully about confrontation and if at all possible wait until you are already rehoused and send a letter detailing reasons why, or as other posters have said, do not tell him why you left or where you are and let him wonder. So sorry you and children are going through this. Handhold and hugs. Take care.

If you are officially separated but living together until you can move out then you can put in a UC claim as a single person.

If you want to at least trt and wait it out until July then you just say, I can't afford to contribute anymore than xxx amount at the moment and leave it at that. Give him a fraction of what you were paying previously and squirrel as much as you can away.
Fuck him! He has lied and spent joint money on taking his bit on the side away and if he challenges you, ask to see ALL his bank statements and phone records as I bet he won't want to share them with you!

No way I’d confront him in your situation. Can’t you say you’ve run up a debt on credit cards and need to focus on paying that back for 6 months? Or make something else up. The police won’t help you OP and you have very little right to stay, especially given your child is over 16.

You mention joint savings - can you withdraw your share?

Would your half of the joint savings be enough to rent a place?
Do you access to said savings, so you can withdraw half then have the conversation?

Don’t move until u have somewhere safe for u and ur children. Don’t do this yet. Please .

Holding your hand tight now
And what a pigging dog (sorry well behaved innocent animals everywhere)
If its not your house and they're not his children I'd find somewhere else to go
But before I did I'd show him what I've accumulated and give him a right mouthful!
But if you have to stay there for now play cool almost dumb; have him at a disadvantage thinking he's got away with it so when you do bag him the shock will really be felt
But if its your house, he comes through the door you show the evidence and he's out!
And if they're his children they deserve better as so do definitely you
I don't know what you're going to decide or your financial situation
But I know what you do will turn out right
Good Luck

Do you have access to your joint savings OP?

Wrong thread

I’m not sure the wait till July scenario will leave the OP in a better position. Her youngest will be 18 and have left school. Her eligibility for UC will reduce & be non existent if she is a single adult with no dependents.

Yes. I have access to the joint savings. It amounts to a few hundred pounds.

Getting to July is fine because I can move in with my relatives and start rebuilding my life.

Can't you just use him until you can move, so spend his money live rent free and save? Maybe have a fling yourself?

I'm sorry, it's awful but to move yourself and kids into a bloke's house without marriage/security was crazy. Just do what you need to until you can escape .

Have you made a decision to wait or confront him OP? Thinking of you.

I've not said anything for now. I'll see how things go and focus my efforts on securing somewhere to live

I'm rooting for you.

I think this is very wise. You may not realise it but at the moment you are in control. You have information that he doesn't know you have. If you confront him, it will all come out and he will then be in control.

Take your time. Get your exit strategy sorted. You can still have the satisfaction of telling him you knew about it all along but wait until you are ready.

As they say, keep your powder, hold your fire, hold your nerve.

It is your best strategy.
If he knows he has been caught out he might well want you out of the house immediately.

However unpalatable it is, it is HIS house and he could call police to have you and your children removed.
Faced with suchva situation you would probably be furious with yourself for showing your hand.

It is over, so make the exit work.
If necessary tell him you need expensive detal work and need to save.
Talk to SW and see if they can help, particularly as there are children involved.

I know of no "Housing Laws" that state this hence my question. Can you answer it?

She has paid £0 rent and even if she had it doesn't mean she has a stake.

Telling someone to leave right then and there - or changing the locks with no notice, or physically throwing someone out on the spot - is a crime. It's called illegal eviction. Everyone has the right for their permanent housing to be secure, so everyone is protected against sudden throw-outs with zero notice (unless they are threatening you).

If someone owns their home and has a girlfriend or boyfriend living there as their permanent home, they must be given written notice, usually a month. I think the notice period might depend on the council. You'll find all this if you Google it. I'm not going to go the the law books and quote statutes! The information is easy to find online.

You can get someone out in a month. But you can't just kick them out with a moment's notice.

Shelter is the gold standard for housing law explanations @SoftBalletShoes.

Live-in partners / lodgers / excluded occupiers:

If you live with your landlord, you are usually an excluded occupier and have far fewer rights than a tenant.

They explicitly say:
• You are not protected from eviction in the same way
• You are not entitled to a court order
• You are only entitled to reasonable notice

Reasonable notice is not a fixed period.
There is no minimum like one month.

It means:

• Enough time to collect belongings
• Enough time to make alternative arrangements
• Taking account of practical reality, not comfort
• Shorter if the arrangement is informal
• Shorter if the relationship has broken down

For a live in partner in the owner’s home, this is often:

• A few days
• A week or two
• Sometimes immediate if circumstances justify it

Shelter explicitly says notice can be very short for excluded occupiers.

Link:
https://england.shelter.org.uk/housing_advice/privaterenting/excludedoccupiers

I'm sorry, but yes a person can be asked to leave immediately. It's why moving into a partner's home when they hold a sole tenancy or the mortgage or deeds are in their sole name is foolish. Marriage provides far more protection. A lodger, so a person who shares kitchen etc with a landlord and pays for the privilege, can still be given immediate notice if the circumstances permit. A partner with no legal interest in a property can also be asked to leave immediately. They have no legal right to remain in the property.

Link: https://england.shelter.org.uk/housing_advice/private_renting/excluded_occupiers