Confronting STBX tomorrow about the OW.

[PeeledOranges]

I've a thread somewhere about how I discovered my partner of 5 years has been seeing another woman.
After I recovered from the shock I've done lots of snooping and have a catalogue of evidence of what's he's been up to. It makes horrible reading tbh. An 18 month affair plus various dating profiles and many sexting conversations. Also a penchant for being called Daddy by women half his age while he talks about spanking them.
There has been much to digest!

Stbx has been away all weekend with his mates so he told me. He's actually holed up in a cottage with the OW. Obviously he doesn't know that I know all this. He sent me a photo of him and his mates from 2 years ago trying to pretend this was them last night.

I need to confront him on his return tomorrow evening. I've waited til Christmas is done because of my DC.

I guess I need a small handhold. I'm scared, I don't feel I know this man at all now. I've got two friends who I've told everything so I'm not completely alone. One friend said I should message him while he's away and spoil his weekend. I'm unsure about this. I don't really know how to begin the conversation when he comes back.

I hate him and want to claw his eyes out. (I won't). I have my ducks in a row as much as I can.
I'm shaking thinking about it.

No she wouldn't. There is a great deal.of incorrect 'advice' on this thread.

OP you need to get some kind of accommodation sorted out for you and DC before you let your partner know that you know what he has been up to or you could all find yourselves out on the street with not much more than the clothes you stand up in.

Don't just jump in with both feet this time. I simply don't understand why you took your children to live in someone else's house with no stability, or long term plan.

I went through something similar about ten years ago. My not husband ex was cheating and I lived in a house that was solely in his name, though I had contributed about 30% of the deposit and paid for extensive renovations (including the installation of a new central heating system, etc.). We had no children.

I did confront him upon learning and I stayed because I had nowhere to go (I had three cats so no easy rental options quickly) and I initially had hope we could fix everything (pure delusion), and he strung me along while carrying on with the other woman. Within a few weeks, though, it turned really nasty and he had sent me a letter from a solicitor to tell me to vacate and I went to the best solicitor I could afford for advice. Because I could evidence financial contributions, he advised that I stood a good chance of being awarded part of the house if we went to court so we started a back and forth negotiation that lasted for about a year between our solicitors. He did also advise at the time that I should remain in the property as long as I could bear it (I made it about 4 months before I broke under constant torment).

In the end, I was able to negotiate a 46% stake in the property and then induce him to sell his stake in the house (to me) as he couldn’t afford to buy me out.

If you have contributed financially to the property, it’s worth seeking professional advice on what kind of claim you might have for reimbursement from him. It was extremely painful (and expensive for the solicitor fees) to go through in my experience, but it preserved my contributions to the property and ended up setting me up for the next step in my life. I was never able to bring myself to live in the house again but I sold it for a significant profit after flipping it.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this but I promise you that one day, this will be a distant memory and you won’t ever think about him except as “some loser you had the misfortune of dating in a different lifetime”. Sending lots of hugs and support your way.

What are you hoping to achieve by confronting him without a plan? Strip it all back to this simple question to help focus your mind.

At the moment you’re saying I could stay here, but…. I could stay there, but…. I can’t do that because…. What ARE you going to do though?

I don’t see any ducks lining up yet.

What he won’t do, is stop screwing around. Declare undying love (as honestly, I can’t see what he’s getting out of the relationship). Beg you to stay and promise he’ll change - or if he does, he’s lying.

What he might do is kick off, in one of many ways. None of which you want your DC to witness. He absolutely might tell you to get out, and then you’re panic searching a solution in frantic circumstances.

Sorry to be blunt but I think you need to cut out the peripheral noise and take control. Be strong and make your decision, and it sounds like the relative is the only one that’s viable financially, really. Not ideal for the kids, but nor is their current situation.

Sod confronting him. Just get your stuff packed and go, next time he’s off on a jolly. You can tell him you’ve got him sussed after, if you feel the need.

OP I have no further advice but I want to offer solidarity. What an absolute bastard. Please keep posting here for support. You are amazing and your kids are lucky to have you.

You feel like you need to say something to the boyfriend, but to what end? He could stop you halfway and remove you from his property, at any time.

Have you spoken to Shelter? Moving in with the relative seems to be your only option.

I don’t have any useful advice but having been cheated on myself, one of the things that to this day disgusts me the most is how bad they are at lying. It’s like they have so little respect for their partner not only to cheat, but also to think they’re dumb as rocks that you wouldn’t pick up on a photo from 2 years ago.

I think if you have a relative who has offered a safe home for you & your children, I would take them up on that offer. Children will adapt quickly, especially if they feel safe, and I imagine your soon to be ex will not make home life easy for them, or you.
Can you leave today, before he gets back?

I echo so many pps that don't see how confrontation is going to help you; especially if you're scared. Channel that energy into making a plan; all the arrangements you know you must have, especially housing and financial, your DCs as mentioned, will be okay if you take control over this awful situation and find a safe place away from this lying, cheating scuzzbag.

Surely it would be more detrimental to your yr13 child to confront your partner and try to get some sort of rights to stay living in misery for 6 months. Leave before he gets back. Don’t confront him and create drama, just move on and do the best you can for yourself and your children.

I’m divorced twice. I get how bad it all is. I’ve all read your posts. Knowing what I know now after 2 divorces, in your situation, I would sit tight for six months - June. I wouldn’t say a word till I had a rock solid plan. Then I would just…disappear. He will never know true peace. Will always wonder about you and why you went, that will be your revenge. Confrontation is overrated, you’ll never get what you need from it. You messed up putting yourself and more importantly your children into this precarious situation, but you know that, so do what needs to be done now, don’t make it even worse by insisting on a self indulgent confrontation moment. Protect your children.

I've read most of the thread, sorry if I missed this but be prepared if you decide to keep quiet til July, he could at any time tell you the relationship is over- today, a month from now, even right in the middle of your DDs exams. If he does this it could be very unpleasant for you and the kids if you refuse/are unable to leave straightaway. Best to start oraganising somewhere else to live now.

Could you borrow the money for a flat deposit either on a card/ loan or from a relative and get into a lease in a decent location?

If at all possible to borrow the money, I’d do that, get out and get the kids settled. In the mean time gather evidence of any contributions you’ve made to the property and get some good legal advice regarding any claim you may have.

Frankly, a confrontation is overrated. Now’s the time to quietly and carefully extract yourself and your kids, maintain dignity, and get any money/ equity you’re owed.

I agree with others, don't stay to confront him. Leave and go to your relatives. Use the money you have to buy a cheap car to get her to school. Even if it doesn't run long, you'll only need it until July. Between now and then, save while you're safe at your relatives and plan your next moves.

Try and hang on, you’ve done it so far, just think of the future and block out the present (speaking from experience). Start driving lessons by having him pay more for the living expenses, if you can.

If things get worse couldn’t it be said that he is making you and your DD homeless therefore be looked at in a different light by any chance.
Good luck.

Don't give him the satisfaction of confronting him, just disappear without saying anything. You are in a very vulnerable position because he could just tell you to leave and you've no legal right to continue residing there. How do you think he'll react if you kick off and confront him and tell him the relationship is over? Is he realistically likely to say 'oh it's fine, just stay here as long as you like'?

Obviously that's what the local authority would like, because then it's not their problem to help you with.

You can claim UC as a single person whilst still living with an ex partner, so start doing that straight away if you're eligible as a single parent (likely, unless you have a good salary).

So sorry, OP - what a horrible situation to be in and what an absolute scumbag he is.

You know that moving into his place was a mistake, so I won’t go on about that as it’s not going to change the here and now.

I think you’ve had some amazing advice here and I would really ask you to consider following the advice of those recommending that you stay quiet for now, though trust me, I completely understand how hard it is, but please do it for the sake of your daughter.

If you confront him now, he may or may not become nasty, but do you really want your daughter to live in a house for the next 6 months where the environment and atmosphere will be awful? You won’t be able to relax because he could literally ask you to leave at any moment during that time and then the disruption you’re trying to avoid for her will happen anyway.

My advice to you would be, stay quiet and start planning your exit by whichever means necessary.

Is there any way you can put some extra cash from your income away and make up something about reduced hours or even say that you’ve lost your job so that you don’t have to pay him living expenses for a couple of months?

I know this sounds risky because he could ask you to leave at any time for any reason, but even if you could manage another two months and then save enough for a rental deposit, you’d be able to move out.

Or if you don’t want to do that, is there another way you can reduce the amount you pay him without setting off alarm bells?

I really hope things work out for you, and I also agree that I wouldn’t confront him. That will only frustrate you because you’ll never get the answers you want. The best thing to do is just leave without warning and leave him wondering forever.

I would get something sorted and move, not easy or ideal but reality is unmarried, zero rights to the house and no shared children- if you confront him now he could kick you out, or just as bad tbh subject yourself and your children to a no doubt hostile environment.

If I were you, and you felt safe to do so, I'd stay put in that house until I was ready to leave. Packing up and going makes things very easy for him and very hard for you unless you've got somewhere lined up.
Obviously as it's his house he can evict you eventually, but not without some hassle, so you might be able to negotiate something more advantageous to yourself than walking out with a couple of bin bags.
Strike while he's on the back foot and capitalise on any guilt or shame he may be feeling.

I agree.

But can you kick him out of this house? If you have a confrontation and he refuses to leave you are stuck living with him. That has to be worse for your children than the disruption of moving.
Personally I really think you should make your arrangements to leave if you can't get him out the home you are in now. What is the purpose of confronting him? It just gives him an opportunity to try and talk himself out of trouble, or possibly to treat you badly.
You don't need his permission to decide this relationship is over and move on

She can't kick him out of a house that is owned solely by him. I don't know where people get the idea from. He owns it, they don't have children together. I'm unclear if there is still a mortgage, but she can't change the locks or tell him not to come back. He holds all the winning cards in this game.

So sorry you've got this going on. Can you afford a rented home in the area near where the DC are at school? Even if it means it would be a small flat where you have to sleep on a pull out in the living room but give the DC their own bedrooms? They need space but also they need a loving and calm atmosphere, so surely it would be better to get away from this partner and the unhappy situation that you're in. You might be able to claim some benefits to top up your earnings. Good luck xx

But what do you think will happen? You tell him tomorrow that you know about the affair and want to end the relationship. But you also expect him to let you and your children live in his house for another 7 months out of the goodness of his heart and keep the atmosphere nice and light?

So pleassd this qorked out for you.