Confronting STBX tomorrow about the OW.

[PeeledOranges]

I've a thread somewhere about how I discovered my partner of 5 years has been seeing another woman.
After I recovered from the shock I've done lots of snooping and have a catalogue of evidence of what's he's been up to. It makes horrible reading tbh. An 18 month affair plus various dating profiles and many sexting conversations. Also a penchant for being called Daddy by women half his age while he talks about spanking them.
There has been much to digest!

Stbx has been away all weekend with his mates so he told me. He's actually holed up in a cottage with the OW. Obviously he doesn't know that I know all this. He sent me a photo of him and his mates from 2 years ago trying to pretend this was them last night.

I need to confront him on his return tomorrow evening. I've waited til Christmas is done because of my DC.

I guess I need a small handhold. I'm scared, I don't feel I know this man at all now. I've got two friends who I've told everything so I'm not completely alone. One friend said I should message him while he's away and spoil his weekend. I'm unsure about this. I don't really know how to begin the conversation when he comes back.

I hate him and want to claw his eyes out. (I won't). I have my ducks in a row as much as I can.
I'm shaking thinking about it.

Say that you've found a great % rate on an ISA - there is no such thing as a joint ISA. Move your portion and suggest he does the same. It's a legit reason to split it.

Fwiw Trading212 currently gives 4.28% on their easy access ISA.

Yes don't say anything for now as he may well say it's over and tell you to leave, so bide your time until July when you can move in with a relative.

Where did you live 5yrs ago before you moved into his house?

I'm sorry you're in this position but definitely going forward put secure housing for you and your dc a priority.

If you can't quote legislation, or at the very least Shelter's advice, as I did, your post is worthless. A lodger's notice can be shortened greatly if the landlord finds the tenant difficult to live with, as Shelter advised.

@PeeledOranges Hey OP, I have one niggling question (apologies if you may have already said, I have brain fog!) but what is he getting out of this setup?

There has been no intimacy for a while now and you’ve said he gets on well with the kids so why hasn’t he called time on the relationship?

Does he like the facade of being a ‘family man’?

Does he not want to be alone in the house?

What is he getting out of this relationship, when he owns the house and could evict you all at anytime?

Honestly I've no idea what he gets out of this whole scenario! I suspect he's just not got the balls to do anything like tell me what he's up to or tell the OW.
I do think he likes the cover of being the gracious family man/ loving step father.

It may be a power play; he likes having the power over you and your children, knowing that he could throw you out if the fancy took him. Do you cook, clean wash & iron for him?

I think you are very self controlled, I would have exploded by now. Hats off to you for keeping a lid on it. I wish you and your children all the best. ❤️

Ime most men dont think that deeply about these things! He is probably just happy with the status quo at home and has his side piece for fun.

There are reasons why, when it all comes out, a hell of a lot of cheating husbands dont want their marriages to end. Cash and convenience. Living alone costs more money and involves doing for themselves what the wives have done for them in the past.

Household tasks are shared pretty equally so it's not like he's got a live in maid.
It's weird tbh. He's been seeing her for 18 months. I wonder what she thinks...

Which housing law is this?

I think you're supposed to give reasonable notice of 14 to 28 days in writing, after that it's trespass, I don't know if op has contributed towards any house improvements.

Please can people stop saying that reasonable notice is 14-28 days. This isn't a lodging arrangement, there is no law that says he can't ask her to go immediately. She does not have a tenancy agreement, she's not on the deeds, or mortgage, they have no children together and they aren't married. He could tell her to go tomorrow, change the locks when she is out and it's not illegal. Even if she was a lodger immediate notice is often permitted.
This is why moving into a house under these circumstances is problematic.
If she has paid for home improvements then it would be a matter for a court to decide what she was entitled to. But please , just stop with the whole having to give notice mullarkey.

This is what I read online, perhaps you could post a link please so we ghve the right information.

Shelter actually state that in this case she would be a bare licensee. A bare licensee has no rights. Reasonable notice can be any period of time and, as I keep saying it can be immediately under certain circumstances. So, if for example, the one who doesn't own the property becomes aggressive then the owner can say out now. Clearly giving a few days would be better so suitable arrangements can be made. But it's not like being a tenant. If she was asked to leave then it would be a question of approaching the local authority for assistance.
I was a homeless officer for over 25 years and this scenario was, sadly, very common.
Edited to add that local authorities will ask for more time from the owner but they can't insist on that legally.

She also has children living there, surely he can’t just make them homeless can he? If he did, would she be entitled to emergency council accommodation?

They aren't his children. I'm sorry but it's really foolish for anyone to move into this sort of arrangement. He has no responsibility for her children.

But he legally has no responsibility to (house) them as they are not his children. While it would be considerate to give her and her children time to find alternative accommodation there is no obligation on him to think about their welfare, and from what the OP says he clearly only thinks about the next place to stick his over used dick. He can make them all homeless. The council however would be obliged to get them into emergency housing.

I am 100% aware that I have no rights to stay here if I'm asked to leave. Nor do my children and I was exceptionally foolish to do what I've done.
But it is done.
I'm on borrowed time I know.

I'm going to citizens advice this week to discuss my options and I've already been in touch with the council homeless team.

According to which housing law, though?
She isn't a tenant.

What did he say when you told him you knew all about the OW?

Hope you’re ok. Hoping for a good outcome for you.

I asked about the OW and my question has been completely ignored. I have to admit I did not time it very well though.

I plan to ask again this evening. Everyone is out apart from me and him so I need to pluck up courage and do it.
Part of me feels like leaving things as they are and just planning to move out when I am able. I wonder if it is worth it. The damage is done anyway.

You can still leave him, even if he denies it to the grave. You don’t need a confession to have permission to leave.

The relationship is over, you have no feelings for each other, he's lied and cheated, you're now just using each other for convenience. Can you just sit down together, accept it's over, say you know he has ow and make plans to move out, you don't know how he'll react but do you really want yourself and your kids to stick around in this atmosphere.

Im sorry you are going through this stressful situation.
How did you ask about the OW? Why do you think the timing was not done very well?

You weren’t foolish! You are in an impossible situation. No one could have sat on that info without exploding. You made a mistake moving in but it’s hardly the end of the world, you weren’t to know he was a piece of shit and I doubt you’ll lose your independence again after this. I hope you can get somewhere for you and your kids x

Only if they are married