Confronting STBX tomorrow about the OW.

[PeeledOranges]

I've a thread somewhere about how I discovered my partner of 5 years has been seeing another woman.
After I recovered from the shock I've done lots of snooping and have a catalogue of evidence of what's he's been up to. It makes horrible reading tbh. An 18 month affair plus various dating profiles and many sexting conversations. Also a penchant for being called Daddy by women half his age while he talks about spanking them.
There has been much to digest!

Stbx has been away all weekend with his mates so he told me. He's actually holed up in a cottage with the OW. Obviously he doesn't know that I know all this. He sent me a photo of him and his mates from 2 years ago trying to pretend this was them last night.

I need to confront him on his return tomorrow evening. I've waited til Christmas is done because of my DC.

I guess I need a small handhold. I'm scared, I don't feel I know this man at all now. I've got two friends who I've told everything so I'm not completely alone. One friend said I should message him while he's away and spoil his weekend. I'm unsure about this. I don't really know how to begin the conversation when he comes back.

I hate him and want to claw his eyes out. (I won't). I have my ducks in a row as much as I can.
I'm shaking thinking about it.

Is Yr13 DD your last child at home so you can relocate more easily to your family members home once they finish exams or do you have younger children as well? You've mentioned an adult child and grandchild and one at uni so wasn't clear if you have more.

He could very well walk through the door and tell you it’s over and he wants you to leave. What then Op?
Go to your relatives and work out a plan from there. If you confront him he won’t let you stay there on your terms. Be realistic. The best thing for you and your dependents is to leave.

Go to the relatives as he could chuck you out in the middle or start of your kids exams

Expectations -v- reality. What do you actually want to happen OP?

You want to confront him but you also want to stay living with him until you are ready to move out.

You don't want to disrupt your dd's education but you don't want to stay where you are until the end of the school year.

What is it that you do want?

If you can say that then maybe posters can help you work towards that goal?

Yes, DD is the youngest child and is in year 13.

I know lots of people are saying stay and keep quiet but I can't without making some changes which he would pick up on. I need to save and not contribute to our joint savings, not make plans with him.
I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place as the saying goes.

@WallaceinAnderland you make a really good point. What do I want? To stay here until July and never see him again. But I know that isn't realistic at all.
I don't see how I can afford to move immediately. I need a few months to save up. A two bedroom flat would still be around £1000 a month plus the deposit.

You really need to leave, what if you confront him and he tells you all to move out. It's not your house, he has no responsibility to you, I wouldn't want to stay for another 7 months so you need to decide, would school or publuc transport be available, have you spoken to the school.

50% of joint savings are yours op, do you have access to them?

Can you and your children go and stay with your relative for a few days now over the holidays to give yourself space to think, you can go before he gets back.

The joint savings are in a joint account, right? You've not just been handing him money to save?

Take half of it. It's yours.

That’s an incredibly difficult situation. Do you not have any savings at all?

You can put in a claim for universal credits immediately if you consider that you’ve split up as of 2:30 pm this afternoon
Your claim goes from that point forward you need to phone them up and speak to them

@PeeledOranges, this is totally understandable, but not really realistic. The best case scenario here is that you confront him and he somehow has a decent side and allows you and your DD to stay until you’re able to move.

Let’s be honest, though, that is very unlikely. Once you’ve told him you know, he has nothing more to lose and will more than likely ask you both to leave, causing disruption to your DD and her exams anyway.

It really is a shit situation and I feel terrible for you, but you need to try and think practically here. Even if you do stay after telling him, the atmosphere will be so bad, that you’ll wish you’d just left.

You say he will know something is up if you stay and don’t say anything, and I believe that’s probably true, but he’s not going to know what the problem is unless you actually say it.

It’s easier said than done, but you need to try and get into autopilot mode to disconnect from how you feel about the situation and just stay laser focused on your goal of getting out of there.

I’m assuming and hoping that you’re not still having sex, so even if he notices a change in you, hopefully that shouldn’t be an issue and you can just make up an excuse for why you’re not yourself.

Honestly, please try anything to stay there for even a month or two to save what you can and then just leave, or in the worst case, go to your relative’s house and figure things out from there regarding school/transportation, etc.

This is actually great advice, especially if you have a joint account that you’ve been contributing to. Take out your half and just leave without a word. I think once you’re away from this situation, you’ll be able to think more clearly and will be able to see solutions for things like getting your DD to school.

OP I wouldn't say anything till July if you can't leave. If you tell him the chances are he is going to want you out or make your life very, very miserable if you stay. He's almost certainly not going to be willing to pay more of the bills so you can save up to leave.

Make an excuse for not having sex - reoccurring Thrush or something. You can also start emotionally distancing yourself and being busy a lot, concentrate on your dd and her exams.

The priority seems to be to look at your finances.

What is your current set up? Are you paying bills 50/50. Are you paying rent to live there? What is the difference between your salaries? Do you have joint savings?

With a bit more information, people can help you form a plan based on what you want to achieve.

He's "away" over the Xmas/New year period, which is traditionally family time, so sounds quite checked out and disengaged already. The pic from two years ago is almost insultingly obvious and he's barely trying to cover up his cheating.

I think he wants you to find out, kick off and remove yourself and assume he'll just get worse and more blatant with it until you do. Confrontation is a waste of your time as he obviously doesn't give a fuck and will just greenlight him bringing people back to your home now the "secret" is out.

If there are suitable rental properties close to school/work, could your relative possibly lend you the money for the deposit and a couple of months rent so that you could move out soon?

Just trying to think of ways for you to quickly stop paying towards bills in STBX’s house, what a shitty situation. 💐

Does DD know what's happening? If she doesn't, I'd be inclined to stay quiet until her exams are over. The relationship ending and moving house will be really disruptive at a time when she needs to focus on her exams.

If you have to split now, how much are your joint savings? If you took half and lived with your relative, could you get a cheap car to drive your DD to school until she finishes in June?

Right, claim UC immediately. Ask the housing needs team if they would help you with a deposit so you can find a private rent. Tell them what is happening and explain that you really can't stay because you are scared of his reaction when you say you want to separate. If you have money in the joint savings account you need that now. Realistically you can't continue as you are and it's best to make arrangements before a crisis occurs. Try to think practically, confronting him might seem morally right, but it's not helping you in a practical sense.

It may be worth asking the council if they know of any organisation that will give loans for rent in advance/deposit.

Where I live, and in the 2 neighbouring LAs, there are charities that will do this but you have to be referred by the council's homelessness/housing needs team.

And check on here Benefit checker to see if you would be eligible for help with rental costs when you find somewhere.

Not RTFT but have read your posts OP.

You’ve got your evidence that he’s cheating, but your MN ducks are not yet lined up enough to make a move.

It seems like finances are the big issue. Like PP suggested, claim for UC asap and make sure you can access the joint savings - be prepared to take out 50% as soon as you can get it out safely.

While you’re getting ready to leave, can you also unobtrusively add a £10 gift card to every grocery shop over the next few weeks or months? Having a few extra £££ for living expenses will definitely help.

How much in total is in savings @PeeledOranges? What happens if you make it to July?

My worry would be if you confront him with evidence he'll accuse you of snopping and may ask why you'd stayed if you know what he's up to, if you say you can't afford to leave he'll either say tough, offer you money to move out or agree to move out and let you stay until you've saved up but I wouldn't expect to live rent and bill free. Have you looked at flats that don't ask for a deposit or asked you'd brother if he can loan you. I wouldn't say anything just yet but I wouldn't be there for ny when he is due back.

Could you look at some kind of Airbnb short term until your daughter has finished her exams?