Cohabitation agreement vs declaration of trust- while pregnant

[Janet198712]

Hi all, I’m looking for some outside perspective because I feel very emotionally tangled and can’t tell anymore what’s reasonable.

I live in a house I own outright. My partner has lived with me for 2 years and has paid bills but no rent/mortgage. He owns another property which he rents out and has built up significant savings while living here.

We have a toddler together and I’m currently 8 weeks pregnant.

Recently I told him I had an appointment booked with a solicitor in the new year to discuss a cohabitation agreement, mainly to get clarity and protect both sides as fundamental he has been pushing me for a declaration of trust. I’ve now been advised legally not to sign the agreement he wants, which includes a declaration of trust over my house and ownership of % of equity.

Since then, things have escalated. He says he won’t sign anything unless it includes the declaration of trust, says the relationship “isn’t getting him anywhere”, and has withdrawn emotionally. He’s also said he won’t contribute to a nanny for the first 9 months (which I need in order to keep my business running), as he said it’s my own fault as I don’t have a proper job where I get mat leave for 9 months.

He’s also blaming me, saying I’m emotional, that I “started this”, and that he can’t cope with “another pregnancy like last time”. I feel like my feelings are being framed as the problem rather than the actual issue.

I don’t want to be questioning whether I can cope with another baby on my own — I want stability and safety — but I also don’t feel I can trust him or make decisions under this kind of pressure. Then I start to question if I can cope on my own financially let alone emotionally.

I’m questioning whether I’m being unfair or overreacting by refusing to sign what he wants, or whether this is a red flag and I need to stand my ground, especially for my child.

I’d really appreciate some calm, honest outside opinions

If you can’t get child support out of him for one, having two won’t help.

He is telling you loud & clear what his priorities and life plan is here. It does not include playing happy families as equal loving parents. Having kids is a loooooong slog. You’re only at the toddler stage, you have a whole life to plan out for you both. Don’t get stuck with this loser for any longer. If you do you WILL be miserable for years and your dd will be impacted. If you separate you have a chance of building a stable & happy life for her.

Of course it’s not sensible. But you only have to look at these boards for a few minutes to see it’s how many women choose to live. Unfortunately the kids that suffer and the generational cycle continues.

If he's broken up with you, why is he still in your house? Tell him to fuck right off. You can apply to CMS for maintenance for both your children and he can house himself.

He's in it for your money. Make sure he doesn't get any of it. He's also a crap father. You will be much better off without him.

You know about his property that he is renting out. I doubt that he is declaring the income. You can contact HMRC and report him for tax evasion.

He's cheating HMRC in the same way that he is cheating you and your children. He should make your skin crawl. He doesn't give a fuck about his own children.

So, you're both self employed but somehow that makes you at fault for not getting paid maternity (you probably get maternity allowance by the way) but not him for not getting paid paternity?

It's clear where his priorities lie.

@Janet198712
What have I just read???

You're trying to build a family with an arsehole who's looking to fleece you!

He's not building a "family" he's building a future based on what he can get out of you, your hard earned money that should be going to your shared DC.

To add insult to injury he's currently paying £300 to live in your home while you pick up the financial and family slack?

I mean this kindly, give your head a shake ffs.

He's dumped you, take him at his word, he's given you a gift, put his shit outside the front door, the trash can take himself out.

You wont cope as a single parent, I don't think you're giving yourself enough credit.

he’s a horrible man trying to coerce his pregnant girlfriend out of money. what kind of a scumbag does that?!

Exactly this.

He is not a good man. Not to you nor to his existing child.

He will only get worse and quite frankly what he’s doing to you is already horrific enough.

Please don’t let him back into your life. That would be a huge mistake that you can guarantee you will regret.

He’s tried to bully and threaten you so he can get what he wants. He doesn’t care about you. A man who cared about you, or just cared about your joint child wouldn’t dream of behaving like this. He is utter pond life.

Let HMRC know. Give them chapter and verse (addresses, approximate amounts etc) then go for CM.

He has planned to fleece you, do it now. New Year new life.

take option 3. He can pay child maintenance.

stay in your house with the kids and be glad you got rid of this gold digger.

Wow. I wouldn't treat a cleaner the way he treats you. You're the mother of one of his children and now pregnant either another and THIS is how he treats you? No, just, no.

You say you cant do this on your own.

Except you can.

You know how I know that? You built a business so successful that you have a mortgage free 5 bed house in your 30's. You managed to work from your baby being 8 weeks old because Mr Selfish decided that it wasnt his problem that you didnt get paid ML (ironic considering you have now said that he is self employed himself). You have sought out the correct legal advice to help you deal with him.

If you want to have this baby and build a life just you and your kids YOU CAN DO IT. You will be amazed at what you can do when you need to. and it will be so much easier than being with a man who offers no assistance whatsoever, as you wont be propping him up too!

I believe in you. I really really do.

Definitely option 3. He doesn’t love you, he’s just trying to steal from you. When he finds a better offer he’ll be off with your equity in his pocket

Sorry OP your story reminds me of a good friend who desperately wanted a family with a guy cooking the books, never told her what he earned and tried to pay the minimum everywhere.

These men are not family men they just want to show off that their sperm work and get cred for looking "normal"

She ended up divorced but it was a horrendous process for her as he lied about everything to hide money. He had an addiction to hoarding money/valuable stuff and lied constantly. He never engaged with couples therapy.

You need to think about yourself. How can you protect your financial security. He has zero interest in being a team with you. He sees the kid as your choice and your responsibility and is looking out for himself- somewhere cheap to live, free sex and probably housekeeping and the social cred of being a family man superficially.

Let me know if I'm wrong here but I've unfortunately seen this pattern before.

Heee is what he is and you have no power to change it no matter how much you "love" him.

Also start listening to podcasts by Dr Ramani.

This ^. You will end up leaving him anyway.

No 3 forever - what a CF that man is. Get the CSA application underway too.