Cohabitation agreement vs declaration of trust- while pregnant

[Janet198712]

Hi all, I’m looking for some outside perspective because I feel very emotionally tangled and can’t tell anymore what’s reasonable.

I live in a house I own outright. My partner has lived with me for 2 years and has paid bills but no rent/mortgage. He owns another property which he rents out and has built up significant savings while living here.

We have a toddler together and I’m currently 8 weeks pregnant.

Recently I told him I had an appointment booked with a solicitor in the new year to discuss a cohabitation agreement, mainly to get clarity and protect both sides as fundamental he has been pushing me for a declaration of trust. I’ve now been advised legally not to sign the agreement he wants, which includes a declaration of trust over my house and ownership of % of equity.

Since then, things have escalated. He says he won’t sign anything unless it includes the declaration of trust, says the relationship “isn’t getting him anywhere”, and has withdrawn emotionally. He’s also said he won’t contribute to a nanny for the first 9 months (which I need in order to keep my business running), as he said it’s my own fault as I don’t have a proper job where I get mat leave for 9 months.

He’s also blaming me, saying I’m emotional, that I “started this”, and that he can’t cope with “another pregnancy like last time”. I feel like my feelings are being framed as the problem rather than the actual issue.

I don’t want to be questioning whether I can cope with another baby on my own — I want stability and safety — but I also don’t feel I can trust him or make decisions under this kind of pressure. Then I start to question if I can cope on my own financially let alone emotionally.

I’m questioning whether I’m being unfair or overreacting by refusing to sign what he wants, or whether this is a red flag and I need to stand my ground, especially for my child.

I’d really appreciate some calm, honest outside opinions

You don’t need to justify this to anybody you’ve spent thousands of pounds on legal advice
Why wouldn’t you take it?
I’m not gonna comment on this thread anymore because it’s annoying me. It must be annoying you too.
It will be incredibly frustrating for the Lawyer involved if you don’t take their advice now
Because you will be back in their office, Obviously, that’s a payday for them. They’re not gonna say no when you ask them to untangle this come on.

@Janet198712 your partner is financially abusing you already and attempting to take even more. I’m sorry but none of his behaviour suggests he has any love or respect for you or your little family. If you give in, he will take it all away from you and you will be left holding both babies and trying to run your business while you are forced to sell your house and find somewhere smaller to live without him
Do not do it.
Stay with him if you must (but why? He sounds awful.)
Do not share finances.

Personally I suggest you chuck him out and move in a nanny or nanny/housekeeper - you will find your life and that of your children much happier.

You’re growing a family, I don’t think he is. The way to grow a family when children are involved is to get married. That protects both yours and his financial position by giving you both an equal split of joint assets. He doesn’t want to go that, and don’t support the mother of his children post partum.

His goal isn’t the same as yours, so you need to prioritise your and your children’s well being. There’s no way in hell I’d be tying myself to this man legally.

His request makes no sense, OP. It might if he was paying half of the mortgage or if he was the SAHP while you work, having (for example) given up up a housing association flat to live with you, but none of that is the case. He has his own property.
This must be very worrying for you. What he is suggesting will not make him more committed, only you.

I made the biggest mistake of my life by adding my ex to the deeds of my house, thinking it would show we were a family.

I'm currently spending a fortune on legal fees to extricate myself from the situation and that is with a deed of trust. Please don't do it. It could get worse.

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Your legal advice is right.

And you won't get any safety or support from this man.

He's been making a fool of you, from back when you were pregnant with your first and he refused to contribute.

Now he sees the pound signs lit up in neon, and is going for your house.

I don't think he has any interest in you as a person, he just wants your assets as well as his own.

You don't need any more legal advice, you just need to say a final no to him, and watch him disappear.

Have you ever both discussed getting married and what was the reason not to if kids and properties are present?

both of us have been divorced before so we are very protective out our own. Also if we got married, and broke up I would have to give him a lot as I have more money and the currently situation makes me nervous of that.

Why are you still trying to find a way to make this work with a man who, when he looks at you, sees pound signs?

He doesnt see childcare as a shared cost in the first year, when you need it most, despite your business paying for the house he is living in rent free.

Your legal advice is telling you NO.
Your family are telling you NO.
His own family are telling you that he will not do anything that isnt "his idea" meaning no compromise.

I agree. He doesnt like you. You are a means to an end. He wants money and you have some. Thats it. Keep the baby, ditch the man. You know you will manage, we know you will manage.

I have faith in you. You can do this alone, and it will (long term) be cheaper without him! Simple fact is that the CM he will be forced to pay will make the cost of the nanny a lot cheaper for you!

He isn’t growing a family. He’s risking nothing, sacrificing nothing. He’s feathering his nest at your expense. I can only think he begrudges what you have and so is coming after it.

leave the legal advice for a moment and ask to speak to someone about whether he is financially abusive- and indeed simply abusive. He is probably controlling you in ways you haven’t noticed. I’m concerned that you are blinded by the dream of a happy family. Was this pregnancy planned? Some men take the opportunity of their partner being more vulnerable to really ramp up the abuse because they know you are trapped.

Maybe reframe it in your head that all your wealth is for your DC and you currently have complete control of that. You don’t want to be giving their future away for this man who is out for himself. He sounds like a total knob but if you are keen to stay with him to see if by some miracle he becomes a decent bloke after your second is born, you could always discuss renting your place out too and renting a place together instead so you are both building equity in your properties.

He’s right he doesn’t need to pay for home improvements as it’s your house not his, again if you try and ask for £300 more for rent then eventually he would have a claim as he would be helping. The mortgage. You are seeing the lovey dovey family and he is seeing money signs. It’s actually worrying how you haven’t spotted that yet, I’m also surprised he hasn’t asked you to marry him considering you said you have a lot more money and savings than him. But you need to wake up lovely and fast.

I asked him if he would rent this evening, he agreed but then said a ridiculous amount he would contribute we could only then afford a 2 bed flat in rental if we kept it at 50/50. We currently are living in a 5 bed house.

he has now broken up with me, for saying I’m not signing anything and bringing this suggestion, I will now have the silent treatment for the next couple of days.

Thankyou for everyone’s advice, I have taken it onboard.

Out of interest if yours is 5 bed what is his house like? Is it smaller than yours and in a crap area by any chance?

Oh just boot him out. He has literally no right to remain in the property whatsoever without your say so ask him to leave and if he refuses to do so call the police get rid of him, tonight.

He’s abusive OP. Not in as obvious a way as done but he’s financially abusive and giving you the silent treatment is emotional abuse.

Hes a horrible manipulator who knows exactly what game he’s playing.

Tell him to leave

I’d get rid due to his attitude in general (refusing to pay towards a nanny), thinking he is owed some of your property but his property is untouchable. So i’d dump him either way. However, if he wasn’t
such a knob, I do think long term you couldn’t continue in the current set up. Him only paying £300 a month and renting out his property so able to save a lot (but not spend any on a nanny) and you incurring most of the costs.

You're well rid of this man, OP, I really hope you do take on board what's been said, and stay broken up, because he won't let up otherwise until he's got his hands on your house.

All of this. He will try to take everything you have.

If he's broken up with you he needs to get out of your house.

He's abusive. He's trying to bully you.

You are not building a family. He's building his savings.

is he working? How much dues he earn. You'll probably get more in CM than he's currently contributing to the household.You'll also be entitled to a single person discount on your council tax.

I know its scary to be a single mum but it's more scary to continue a relationship with a man that tries to bully and manipulate you at your most vulnerable time.

It sounds like everything is alway to his financial betterment.

Unfortunately, He's a cocklodger and your his cash cow.

You need to end the relationship. You know exactly who he is and why he's with you. This isn't love. This is transactional.

Next he'll be asking for full custody so you have to pay him CM.

Not to mention the financial aspect but he also sounds like a dickhead saying the relationship isn’t getting him anywhere/blaming you and throwing things in your face. Why are you with him?

You’ve dodged a bullet here op.

How did you not laugh in his face over his “what’s mine is mine and what’s yours is mine too” attitude?

It's @Janet198712 fault she spent doesn't get maternity pay because she's self employed so he won't pay money towards the nanny for 9 month. Yet happy to live in her home, off her self employed income and pay £300 a month for the privilege. He also knew she was self employed before he procreated. I bet he thinks @Janet198712 is solely responsible for the pregnancies as well.

As for his £300. I paid more than that in housekeeping to my parents 25 years ago. Currently, where I live you'd be lucky to get a room in a house for £800pcm.

Non practicing solicitor. If you do what he wants, a year or 2 down the line he will want his money out of the property and you will have to sell it. Please don't, I've advised lots of women in your situation and felt incredibly annoyed for them as they lose their financial stability. You really need to look after your finances and hang on to what you have, for you and your child.

His now three options proposed to me tonight-

1- we marry with no prenup.
2- he will give me £250 more a month while we have a nanny but it stops once the baby is 9months and goes to nursery.
3- we break up.

these are my 3 options!