Cohabitation agreement vs declaration of trust- while pregnant

[Janet198712]

Hi all, I’m looking for some outside perspective because I feel very emotionally tangled and can’t tell anymore what’s reasonable.

I live in a house I own outright. My partner has lived with me for 2 years and has paid bills but no rent/mortgage. He owns another property which he rents out and has built up significant savings while living here.

We have a toddler together and I’m currently 8 weeks pregnant.

Recently I told him I had an appointment booked with a solicitor in the new year to discuss a cohabitation agreement, mainly to get clarity and protect both sides as fundamental he has been pushing me for a declaration of trust. I’ve now been advised legally not to sign the agreement he wants, which includes a declaration of trust over my house and ownership of % of equity.

Since then, things have escalated. He says he won’t sign anything unless it includes the declaration of trust, says the relationship “isn’t getting him anywhere”, and has withdrawn emotionally. He’s also said he won’t contribute to a nanny for the first 9 months (which I need in order to keep my business running), as he said it’s my own fault as I don’t have a proper job where I get mat leave for 9 months.

He’s also blaming me, saying I’m emotional, that I “started this”, and that he can’t cope with “another pregnancy like last time”. I feel like my feelings are being framed as the problem rather than the actual issue.

I don’t want to be questioning whether I can cope with another baby on my own — I want stability and safety — but I also don’t feel I can trust him or make decisions under this kind of pressure. Then I start to question if I can cope on my own financially let alone emotionally.

I’m questioning whether I’m being unfair or overreacting by refusing to sign what he wants, or whether this is a red flag and I need to stand my ground, especially for my child.

I’d really appreciate some calm, honest outside opinions

You are building a family, he is building a portfolio.

Let me put this bluntly.

If you split up this man would see his OWN KIDS homeless because you would need to sell your home to give him 50% of it. 50% of a house he has never put a SINGLE penny into.

How is that family looking now?

Sorry but this guy has to go and I would be questioning whether now was the right time to be having another child.

I agree you will be a single parent at some point in the future so do it now - this man is not a good person

If you both have a house, but he has more savings mainly due to you having children and him renting his house I would think you should each have half of everything. Definitely get a solicitor to look at it so you are both benefit equally and that the children are taken care of if you break up. This should all have been sorted before the first child really.

Looking it up it seems like a cohabitation agreement effectively includes a declaration of trust. The DoT only covers property the CH covers property and everything else. The DoT may be less complicated to enforce through the courts though apparently.

He has a property, has no contributed towards yours but still thinks he should take a proportion of your house if (when) you split. In what world would that ever be OK and think he deserves a proportion of your house. He’s a manipulative prick and a user.

You can’t build a family with someone who doesn’t value you and doesn’t see you as a partner. He tells you that it’s your own fault you need a nanny because you’re self-employed, saying it’s not a real job. It’s real enough to pay your mortgage and give him a free ride.

Basically, the question to ask him is "so if you decide to leave me after I have signed this agreement, then you get 50% of my house (which I bought and pay the mortgage for with no assistance from you including the deposit) and you get to keep 100% of your house. So I have to move with two small children into another smaller property (even if I can afford to) and you get to keep 50% of MY house and 100% of YOUR house".

What a despicable man he is - not only refusing to support his pregnant partner, but in fact trying to pressurise you into an agreement that is financially advantageous to him.

He tells you that it’s your own fault you need a nanny because you’re self-employed, saying it’s not a real job. It’s real enough to pay your mortgage and give him a free ride.

Very good point.

I cant help thinking that he already has one foot out of the door if this hasnt come up before. I wonder if he has already decided he wants to split but this is his way of trying to get as much out of you as he can before he pulls the plug.

Sign nothing except a card saying "NOT sorry you are leaving!"

If nothing else look at his timing. He has deliberately targeted you when you are vulnerable and withdrawing his support would have a detrimental effect on you and his children.
I could write a bloody book on what happened to me whilst expecting and we limped on despite me knowing that we should’ve split it while I was pregnant for an additional 10 years by which point. I was absolutely pennyless. Destitute.

He didn’t care, I used my last buttons to hold onto custody of my children with a vexatious claim against me. And then he swooped again to take our home from underneath our feet
I would love to say that my ex was one of a kind but since I’ve shared my story it is horrifying how many of these despicable people are out there and I’m afraid they are all male.

all of this. I cannot believe you have enabled him to build up huge savings renting out his house whilst you haven't charged him a penny to live with you. Why does a grown man expect to live for free, never mind one who has a child with another on the way? This is shocking even by MN standards

The only thing of any benefit you have got out of the God awful relationship is his sperm.

He is planning on taking half of your house right in front of you.

You have to look after your child. That is your responsibility. Don't even think about signing that agreement. He has shown you his true self. You need to act on that. I know it feels hard, but you still have a chance for a fresh start - take it. This is not the man you want to build a family with.

It feels wrong because it IS wrong.

Don’t sign anything. Let him withdraw. Make it clear that if he’s emotionally and financially withdrawing he isn’t welcome to stay in your house anymore.

You aren't building anything apart from his wealth and savings.

He wants you to basically sign over a % of your home to him. He hasn't paid anything into that home and has amassed savings because he's not contributing. You have let him live for free, and now he wants you to pay him for the privilege and make yourself financially vulnerable.

He's preying on you in your time of vulnerability because he feels that your need and urge to create a family will motivate you.

In your position, I'd end the relationship and terminate the pregnancy. I wouldn't want to be further tied to him.

hw says the relationship “isn’t getting him anywhere”

He isn't looking to build a partnership. He only wants to personally benefit from being in the relationship. Over time you will lose money and eventually your confidence.

Please don't be confused - it's often really difficult for a reasonable and rationale person to make sense of an abusive person. You may be trying to find a way to compromise but he all he wants is capituation

Please start to read up on abusive partners. Its likely the contempt for you started once you were commited and vulnerable, it's text book for an abuser.

Read "why does he do that" and get support from family. Don't sign a deed which gives him a percentage of your property as you will lose your independence and your babies need you to offer stability.

Your partner counting the cash.

Does he have any redeeming qualities?? Why does he feel entitled to a % of your house?
Get rid of him and go after child support!

What a greedy grabby man. He is trying to bully you into handing over half the asset that you have worked for while he keeps his for himself.

Do not do this. You cannot build a family with someone who doesn’t like you and this man does not like you. No one who did would treat you in this way.

he is asking for 25% of the value gained in equity not 25% of the house. Sorry if my first post wasn’t clear. If we broke up he wants 25% of the value gained, and then the money he has paid off the mortage (after interest it’s not much) but that’s all short term as in afew years it could be a lot. Also by him having his house it’s his retirement pot, and he would only be contributing £300 to my mortgage so it doesn’t seem like much at all.

So he has contributed to your mortgage?

I think everybody has been unanimous on this thread in saying no.
It’s not even about the amounts what if you weren’t in a position to remortgage to handover that 25% at the time that you split?
Is he going to force you to sell your children’s home?
I don’t give a fuck what he says. The answer is yes.
you would then have legal costs on top because you would quite rightly be shocked at the audacity as would your solicitor as would his solicitor but because you’ve signed this you’ll be paying.
Please don’t do this

Is he contributing financially or physically to work that's improving the value of the home?

If he's getting the money paid off the mortgage back, is he proposing an alternative way of paying rent? Because it sounds like he's asking to live rent free if you split. If you did break up, he already has the mortgage paid on his property thanks to living at yours - why should he get his rent back too?

It doesn’t matter if he does. I contributed 18 grand to my landlord‘s mortgage in rent. I don’t get to claim it back if I left. That’s the cost of me staying in the property.

You are building a family, he is building a portfolio.

That’s worth repeating, OP. He is a cocklodger who is no longer content to keep profiting from your generosity but now wants you to donate part of your assets to him!

I would say “unbelievable cheek”, but sadly I do believe there are parasitical men like this.

You'd be an absolute fool to sign it then!