Cohabitation agreement vs declaration of trust- while pregnant

[Janet198712]

Hi all, I’m looking for some outside perspective because I feel very emotionally tangled and can’t tell anymore what’s reasonable.

I live in a house I own outright. My partner has lived with me for 2 years and has paid bills but no rent/mortgage. He owns another property which he rents out and has built up significant savings while living here.

We have a toddler together and I’m currently 8 weeks pregnant.

Recently I told him I had an appointment booked with a solicitor in the new year to discuss a cohabitation agreement, mainly to get clarity and protect both sides as fundamental he has been pushing me for a declaration of trust. I’ve now been advised legally not to sign the agreement he wants, which includes a declaration of trust over my house and ownership of % of equity.

Since then, things have escalated. He says he won’t sign anything unless it includes the declaration of trust, says the relationship “isn’t getting him anywhere”, and has withdrawn emotionally. He’s also said he won’t contribute to a nanny for the first 9 months (which I need in order to keep my business running), as he said it’s my own fault as I don’t have a proper job where I get mat leave for 9 months.

He’s also blaming me, saying I’m emotional, that I “started this”, and that he can’t cope with “another pregnancy like last time”. I feel like my feelings are being framed as the problem rather than the actual issue.

I don’t want to be questioning whether I can cope with another baby on my own — I want stability and safety — but I also don’t feel I can trust him or make decisions under this kind of pressure. Then I start to question if I can cope on my own financially let alone emotionally.

I’m questioning whether I’m being unfair or overreacting by refusing to sign what he wants, or whether this is a red flag and I need to stand my ground, especially for my child.

I’d really appreciate some calm, honest outside opinions

3!! The other ones are only to his benefit

The fact he's so brazen as to pitch this scam at you while your pregnant...well it doesn't bode well. Your future with him is very gloomy.
Maybe I'm naive, but I'm almost speechless at this, though in fairness there are many bad people out there, so I probably shouldn't be. Get legal advice asap.

Option 3.
Get an au pair.
Live happily ever after.

"I have considered your very romantic proposal and have decided that us breaking up is the best viable option. Move out by Friday 2 Jan"

Just fucking break up and go for maintenance.

He sounds extremely grasping and money hungry and he really, really wants to get his hands on your home.

Spend some more money at your lawyer's. You're foolish to risk your biggest financial asset and the roof over your and your child's head to keep this greedy shithead around.

Christ almighty OP. Christ almighty.

(Bangs head on wall yet again)

@Janet198712

I am sure that you are in a total tail spin right now.

ITs so easy for those of us not living your life to say what you should do, but its not that easy is it? This man that you have loved and trusted enough to have two children with has suddenly shown himself to be a greedy money grubbing arsehole who sees you as a means to money rather than the love of his life. That is utterly heartbreaking.

So I would suggest that you take a break. Tell him that nothing will be happening any time soon. That you need time to think. Use any means you have to keep him at bay while you make your decision and plan accordingly.

I am not one for using hormones as an excuse but "I cant talk about this now, the pregnancy is making me so tired" or similar is a good one to buy you time to think.

I think that you know what a total shit he is being, but its ok to not just LTB in a split second. Take your time to make a plan that works for you and your children. I wish you well.

He just sounds absolutely vile. A real piece of shit.

She's taken legal advice, and is paying thousands for it.

The legal advice is to not sign. Her family advise her to not sign. We're all advising her not to sign.

OP, all he sees when he looks at you is £££££££. I'm surprised he isn't doing the abuser classic of lovebombing you now to blindside you and make you believe he cares about you and not your financial assets.

This option

From here it really does look as though he is using his children to extort money, assets from you

He is benefitting from renting his own property and paying next to nothing for his own living expenses, literally living off your money, your assets

Kick him out, you'll probably get more money from him.vua child support than he is giving you at the moment

As for the child support she needs to assess this first. If he is self employed or low earner then it's not necessarily true. It may be worth more to go with option 2. In any case I think biding time, focussing on Self Care, seeing a counsellor, talking to a trusted friend, not getting pressured into any contracts (including marriage) meanwhile deciding if she sees any potential in this person to continue because presumably there was something that drew them together initially. Only a few weeks ago they were making a baby together, right? Which I assume was plamned not accidental considering how easy it is to get hold of contraception.

He has not shown you any care or love has he? It's all about what he wants! So he's getting the benefit of renting out his home whilst living very cheaply with you and wants a share of your house as well?

He has given you the option three that doesn't sound very caring either, but I think it will be the best option for you.

How is there a future with this man?

Op, so very sorry. You will be in a tailspin trying to make sense of it.

Abusive men often seek out strong capable women, use excessive charm so that you feel it's sincere. Only when they perceive you are vulnerable do they start to makes unreasonable demands.

sorry youre going through this op.
hes awful. it’s all about control power and money for him.
it’s about love and growing a family for you.

i think you said youre only 8 weeks pregnant? if it were me id consider whether bringing another child into the works wirh this man is worth it. hes awful. i think you should ‘grow your family’ once youre happy and married to someone who pulls their weight. metaphorically and financially. i’d seriously consider my options and take the pills if they can prescribe them.

id also take option 3. LTB

sorry op. hes not worth it and he doesn't love you and your child as much as he loves money.

Everyone is saying child support, he is self employed and is very clever with his books ie- posts a negative. I wouldn’t want anything from him tbh, but I just know he would very much do everything to make it very difficult for me.

The second baby was planned, but I have been very nervous going into this again but I want another baby but if I’m honest I can’t do it on my own and this is forcing me to finish the relationship.

Sending you virtual hugs, OP.

You know you need to finish with him. He is not a decent person. He won't stop until he's got your property.

Let everything else flow from that decision. If you accept he won't contribute for the upbringing of his child or children, that only makes him all the worse.

Really sorry to read this. This man won’t change OP. If you have a 5 bed house no way are 50% of the bills £300. I expect your council tax alone is £300. He has a great deal living for free at your expense. I paid £500 for a room plus bills in a ropey flat nearly 30 years ago.

You are the golden goose. I am too but married mine and can’t afford to leave him.

Honestly, this is not a nice man putting you under this sort of stress whilst pregnant - and who doesn’t contribute to childcare costs for their own child. What a twat.

You sound like a smart woman - imagine what advice you would give a friend.

There is nothing wrong with getting your affairs straight - I could completely understand if he was pressuring you to sort out wills in case something happened to one of you - but this man just wants the equity in your home if you split. Sounds like he has already checked out and thinks you are too weak to argue back. You don’t have to leave him of course - you can just maintain the status quo. But I think if my eyes were opened to this in your circumstances I would be off with all my equity!

Also OP is he a very low earner? Does he have children from his previous marriage?

Wow op. Absolutely get legal advice here. Get him out of your house. Hes shown you his true colours. Theres no going back now.

im being a bit insensitive here maybe but as your only 8 weeks gone, is it really wise to bring another child into the situation at this time. This is going to blow up and he's going to be a massive arse about it all.

whatever happens, stay safe but get him out and change the locks

I just know he would very much do everything to make it very difficult for me.
That alone shows what a piece if shit he is and you know it. Very, very publically call him out in his lack of maintenance.

It sounds like you want him to pay you £300 as 'rent' and he's said he wants that contribution to be recognised as going towards your mortgage repayments? I don't think either stance is particularly unreasonable, although it'd be a bit weird having a tenancy agreement between a couple. It also wouldn't be a proper tenancy agreement as he'd only be a lodger.

If you want to combine finances properly and involve him in the house repayments he should be paying 50% of all household expenses (including maintenance and improvements). I think it would also be beneficial to add him to the title deeds and mortgage, so he has a legal liability to pay that, not just a casual £300 a month at his discretion. In reality it sounds like neither of you are committed enough for truly combined finances.

He definitely shouldn't be entitled to any equity/uplift in value retrospectively (nor going forward, except in proportion to what he's contributed to mortgage payments).

I'm so sorry OP, you don't deserve this.

I think you need to prepare for the fact that if he's going to be this nasty now, he'll ramp it up on splitting, particularly if he has form to fiddle the books etc.

Certainly no judgement from me if you opted to have only one child with this odious prick, rather than 2, you really need to think about protecting the peace of you and your toddler.

Listen to your gut. It’s doing you a favour here. No good will come of having another baby with this guy, nor tying yourself financially together. Neither will magically create the “family” that you crave, and will bring you more problems.