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Original poster

Would you go no contact with a parent who truly loves you?

151 replies

ramseses · 27/12/2025 21:02

Just something I'm pondering. When I hear people talking about cutting off their parents or being no contact for years or decades, they always talk about awful stuff like mum was an alcoholic or serial adulterer or dad was physically abusive etc. Have you cut off a parent who you KNOW for sure loves you and would do anything for you? (Give you a kidney, sell their house to pay for your operation, that kind of thing) But had other "less serious" qualities like they were very strict about homework or grades or never allowed sleepovers or call you fat when you put on weight or is critical of your job or clothes etc.

This is a discussion I'm having with a friend at the moment.

OP posts:
ChaChaChaChanges · 27/12/2025 21:04

No

Sillysoggyspaniel · 27/12/2025 21:04

Err, no. Going NC is a last resort to preserve the remnants of your mental health. Not a cop out when you can't have an adult conversation about tricky but well meant decisions.

Kevinbaconsrealwife · 27/12/2025 21:05

Nope

cestlavielife · 27/12/2025 21:05

Someone who gives you a kidney but calls you fat does not give unconditional love
They give the kidney to say look what i did for you

Clarehandaust · 27/12/2025 21:06

No

Clarehandaust · 27/12/2025 21:06

cestlavielife · 27/12/2025 21:05

Someone who gives you a kidney but calls you fat does not give unconditional love
They give the kidney to say look what i did for you

They would never actually give you the kidney. They would get to the hospital put the gown on do all the performative photographing and then you’d wake up and discovered that you didn’t get the kidney.

PatsyJane · 27/12/2025 21:07

No I wouldn’t. I’d tell them to stop calling me fat or whatever , have an argument maybe but no way would it be no contact.

Clarehandaust · 27/12/2025 21:07

And then they would make up some shit about the reason why you couldn’t get the kidney was because the surgeon told them, but wouldn’t tell anybody else that you couldn’t have it because you were too fat

RescueMeFromThisSilliness · 27/12/2025 21:07

It is possible for someone to love you and be abusive to you at the same time.

Bunnybigears · 27/12/2025 21:09

No but I have gone very low contact with DP who probably do love me in their own way but who can't be bothered to actually show it in anyway.

cestlavielife · 27/12/2025 21:09

Yeh
It is possible for someone to declare they love you (appear to love you ) and be abusive to you at the same time.

Tonty · 27/12/2025 21:10

I don't think adult dc who have gone non-contact, believe their parent/s loves them. They're pretty much juxtaposed.

yolopp · 27/12/2025 21:14

I think the wider implications of going NC never get discussed. My sister and mum have been nc for 20 years. The impact that has had on the rest of the family has been detrimental. In so many ways it has robbed many of us from living a normal life. The reasons for nc are ridiculous and never got resolved when they could have been, easily. Think really hard about your choices before you make them.

Original poster
ramseses · 27/12/2025 21:15

Clarehandaust · 27/12/2025 21:06

They would never actually give you the kidney. They would get to the hospital put the gown on do all the performative photographing and then you’d wake up and discovered that you didn’t get the kidney.

Show quote history

This is you projecting though. I said in the OP that if you KNEW for sure that they did love you would you cut them off. In this scenario the parent would absolutely give the kidney and the child knows that.

OP posts:
MissMountshaft1 · 27/12/2025 21:16

Sadly I’ve had lots of periods of estrangement from both parents - to remove myself from emotional abuse so not any of the things you mention

it has been done because being with my parents means I have to shrink myself and accept being treated unfairly - some of their behaviours have had terrible consequences

and yes they love me - without doubt - it’s just very limited and if I disrupt the family narrative by speaking up about what’s wrong I get gaslighted

I wanted to be true to myself

all parents love within their own limits - that’s what you need to ask yourself - can I accept this or is it harming me?

Original poster
ramseses · 27/12/2025 21:17

Tonty · 27/12/2025 21:10

I don't think adult dc who have gone non-contact, believe their parent/s loves them. They're pretty much juxtaposed.

This is interesting.

OP posts:
PatsyJane · 27/12/2025 21:17

cestlavielife · 27/12/2025 21:09

Yeh
It is possible for someone to declare they love you (appear to love you ) and be abusive to you at the same time.

I think you know when your parent loves you. My Mum never said it as she wasn’t demonstrative yet she was unfailingly there for us, always had our backs , worked full time as a single mum and put a home cooked meal on the table every night, listened to us, knew all our friends etc. She didn’t need to tell us , we knew she loved us.

cestlavielife · 27/12/2025 21:18

If they "love" you why do they call you fat when you put on weight or is critical of your job or clothes etc.

Bunnymcgee · 27/12/2025 21:19

I'm trying to cut back on contact with my very, in fact overly, loving parents. I think that it's hard for people to understand unless they have experienced it, my parents would go to the ends of the earth for me but their love is also quite toxic because it can be very controlling. They are terrified of me fucking my life up, but in being so terrified have tried to control every key life decision I have ever made which has led to lots of massive fuck ups and also turned me into an adult who really struggles to make decisions for herself. They can be quite manipulative about it as well and my mum in particular can be quite cutting when trying to make me bend to her will. However I know that they would be absolutely devastated if I ever did cut them off. I moved 3 and a half hours away from them and if they ever speak to me and I'm having a hard day, they will turn up that day to 'rescue me' and try to solve whatever they see as being the problem, even when I really dont want them to.
I am now trying to finally find healthy boundaries but it's really hard because they have a tendency to trample all over them.

Original poster
ramseses · 27/12/2025 21:21

yolopp · 27/12/2025 21:14

I think the wider implications of going NC never get discussed. My sister and mum have been nc for 20 years. The impact that has had on the rest of the family has been detrimental. In so many ways it has robbed many of us from living a normal life. The reasons for nc are ridiculous and never got resolved when they could have been, easily. Think really hard about your choices before you make them.

I'm sorry to hear this. I've seen this in action. I think going NC isn't something that just affects you and the person you're cutting off.

OP posts:
pizzaHeart · 27/12/2025 21:21

cestlavielife · 27/12/2025 21:05

Someone who gives you a kidney but calls you fat does not give unconditional love
They give the kidney to say look what i did for you

This ^
however I wouldn’t go no contact just for being fat comment or memories about strictness around homework.

MannersAreAll · 27/12/2025 21:22

Calling you fat (especially repeatedly) and criticising your job and clothing repeatedly is nothing like being strict on your homework.

Loving someone doesn't make it ok to be emotionally abusive.

PatsyJane · 27/12/2025 21:23

Bunnymcgee · 27/12/2025 21:19

I'm trying to cut back on contact with my very, in fact overly, loving parents. I think that it's hard for people to understand unless they have experienced it, my parents would go to the ends of the earth for me but their love is also quite toxic because it can be very controlling. They are terrified of me fucking my life up, but in being so terrified have tried to control every key life decision I have ever made which has led to lots of massive fuck ups and also turned me into an adult who really struggles to make decisions for herself. They can be quite manipulative about it as well and my mum in particular can be quite cutting when trying to make me bend to her will. However I know that they would be absolutely devastated if I ever did cut them off. I moved 3 and a half hours away from them and if they ever speak to me and I'm having a hard day, they will turn up that day to 'rescue me' and try to solve whatever they see as being the problem, even when I really dont want them to.
I am now trying to finally find healthy boundaries but it's really hard because they have a tendency to trample all over them.

Have you told them firmly to stop?

ABeerInTheSunshineMakesMeHappy · 27/12/2025 21:24

No

Original poster
ramseses · 27/12/2025 21:25

cestlavielife · 27/12/2025 21:18

If they "love" you why do they call you fat when you put on weight or is critical of your job or clothes etc.

I don't think this is difficult to do? Lots of older people or people from some parts of the world don't see fat as a word to shy away from. I'm not saying it's right, but it absolutely does not mean they don't love you. Same with the job, clothes etc.

OP posts: