Would you go no contact with a parent who truly loves you?

[ramseses]

Just something I'm pondering. When I hear people talking about cutting off their parents or being no contact for years or decades, they always talk about awful stuff like mum was an alcoholic or serial adulterer or dad was physically abusive etc. Have you cut off a parent who you KNOW for sure loves you and would do anything for you? (Give you a kidney, sell their house to pay for your operation, that kind of thing) But had other "less serious" qualities like they were very strict about homework or grades or never allowed sleepovers or call you fat when you put on weight or is critical of your job or clothes etc.

This is a discussion I'm having with a friend at the moment.

This is a hard situation. Are you an only child?

This. My parents would say they gave me everything multiple houses abroad, private school a pony. But all came with string. Would they give a kidney - if they could buy one and not hurt or take the time themselves but 💯 they would never give a gift quietly with no ulterior motive.

Multiple times. It's literally like they can't help themselves and they can't see any issue in what they are doing.

I do

have very sad separation here by my choice

I know without a doubt my parents love me

Some people are too straight talking or sharp tongued. It doesn’t mean they can’t or don’t love their children imo the healthiest way is to answer them back . NC is very radical and won’t only hurt the parents. It’s a huge advantage having people who love you in your life even if they have their faults.

It would obviously depend on whether you thought your life would be better without them.

Possibly.

I’ve come to think that I was actually fairly low contact with my dad in the last decade of his life (weekly phone call kept as superficial as possible, hardly ever visiting). I know he loved me. I don’t really want to try and justify myself. I’d just had enough of trying to love him and endlessly feeling damaged by it, plus being sure he was going to damage my son, my husband and my in-laws.

Yes it really is

love is limited

Some (many?) people's understanding of love is warped, though. When they were raised with severe punishments, in a belief that misbehaviour would lead a person down the wrong path to a life of misery and/or an afterlife in Hell, they do the same to their own child in a true belief that this is loving behaviour.

These days we have much readier access to information, we hold compassion in higher regard, we go to schools that take child welfare into account. We may learn the punishments were harmful while also knowing the parent believes they acted out of love. Discussing this with such a parent often goes extremely badly because you're basically invalidating everything they are. So you may well have to cut contact for your own wellbeing.

It's the same story, and more widespread nowadays, with weight-watching mothers whose entire identity is pinned on being slim, attractive and 'able to get a man'. They inflict their eating disorders and beauty obsessions on their daughters because, to them, these are essential to a daughter's social worth. Few such women are able to hear any critique of their belief system. Their daughters sometimes cut them out to protect their own daughters.

There are lots of situations like this.

No I have 2 siblings, a brother and sister. They dont do this with my brother but I think they are pretty happy with his life choices and partner, etc. They did it much more with my sister who subsequently also struggles to make her own decisions but she has now moved to another country and isn't affected by it as much. She was also happier to go along with their decisions whereas I always wanted a life very different to what they had mapped out for me and so I would push back but they would just push and manipulate more until I gave up.

Some interesting replies. A lot of people saying No, which is what I suspected. Most posts I see from estranged children have pain behind them, and I think it's mostly the pain of having a parent or parents who never loved them. But my friend and I were just talking about a case we know of a young person who has cut off a parent who she admits loves her deeply.

I think a parent (or any other relative)can love you but still be cruel and abusive. I think people go no contact for their own mental health after years of trying to resolve the relationship any and every other way. I don’t think they make the decision for no contact lightly.

Right
"I am telling you you getting fat for your own good "
"I am criticising your xxxx for you because i love you."

Hmmmm
That kind of behaviour wears a person down
Not surprising they reduce or cut contact

This sounds so so hard

i do understand that this type of over parenting is abusive - it’s called indulgent parenting and is actually about their needs but to the rest of the world can look like love

very hard for you

Would it be OK to ask why? You don't have to reply of course.

The fat example is a good one, because if you mat my parent you'd think that their kids were their world, but they have been asked nicely, begged, told, screamed at to stop calling their children fat as a joke (we all have body image issues) and yet they still continue to 'forget' knowing just how upset it makes us. How is that love? How can anyone claim that is love?
Why are we expected to take shit from parents that you would tell a friend to dump a partner for, when they same excuses could be used for both? 'Its their culture' 'its how they were raised' 'its out of concern' 'noones perfect'

Some people are critical. It doesn’t mean they’re incapable of love. Many of us with elderly parents will understand that fat-shaming was socially acceptable years ago. My DM wouldn’t think twice about commenting if I gain weight. I just roll my eyes, I already know if I’ve put weight on. I wouldn’t cut her off over it. She’s not perfect, and I don’t expect her to be.

Yes and no doubt some of the children born today to loving compassionate parents will also have something to find fault with in their upbringing. It’s the way it goes.

I can see why you've pushed back. It sounds really stifling.

Exactly.

There is literally nothing that could make me disown my own parents. I love them more than anything!

Parents who love all their kids keep contact with sibling who committed heinous crimes and wont put in boundaries to safeguard anyone.

Also, a question:
What benefit do you get from having someone in your life who loves you but continues to behave in such a way that you dont feel loved by them, you dont enjoy their company, you dread interactions with them, you dont feel affectionate towards them? That only benefits one person, as far as I can see. And I dont really understand why you are expected to put up with it, isnt it dishonest to uphold a relationship you dont get any happiness from?

I was friends with someone who did this. We were friends growing up and I used to spend so much time at her house because my parents were vile and neglectful, borderline abusive. Never enough for social services to do anything despite multiple referrals. This woman took on that mother role as much as she could for me and probably saved me from Turing I to a vile abusive mother myself as I know what a mother’s love is from her. My friend and I drifted apart once she left home but I stayed close to the mum.

Friend was always disgusted her mum had a boyfriend and was open that she was sexually active (boyfriend was never allowed to the house as the mum didn’t want to upset friend and was open about sec because she was raised with it not talked about and had her eldest child very young with an abusive man- she was protecting her dd but it was a topic that disgusted us teens). friend went to a very good school with wealthy peers while her mum worked minimum wage jobs- friend resented this. I always felt friend was ungrateful for what she had that’s probably why we drifted apart but the mum was very strict compared to many mothers. In many area very very slack like letting her dd out and trusting her to be at the friends house jit getting drunk in the woods etc. but she had to clean up after herself and keep her room tidy, she didn’t have to be home for dinner but had to communicate this and they had to sit at the table together not in different rooms.

anyway friend borrowed money from her mum and didn’t pay it back (thousands). Her mum then refused to buy her anything anymore but still wanted a relationship she used to take her dd out shopping and in holidays meal out etc regularly now she was saying she would pay for meals out and holiday cinema or whatever but was no longer going to be dragged around the shops and used as a free cash card.

The dd cut her off. It broke the mum. Particularly bad imo as she bad mouthed her all around the village and as she was public facing local role for work it messed up so much of her life. There was a slight reconnection when the mum was diagnosed with cancer. But when mum stood by her stance she wasn’t lending money she was cut off again. She died alone in hospice and her dd cleared the bank accounts that same day even the money set aside by the mum to pay for the funeral. It was a big messy drama as here were bills to pay and no money. Think the dd got in trouble as what she did was against the law.

i never spoke to that friend again, and hadn’t spoken to her since she cut her mum off anyway. She did reach out once and I never replied. It’s been years now. My dd is named after the mum, she was a brilliant woman. We were young when she died (early 20s) and the dd had likely been poisoned against her mother by the abusive father who had maintained contact but never had overnights or paid maintenance. I wonder if she ever realised what she lost because she resented her mums lack of wealth it if she’s scared to tell her kids to tidy up after themselves for fear they will cut her out too. But at the time she did it she genuinely believed her mother was the hight of evil for being strict about mess in the house etc. she thought it was abuse genuinely. I could see by the end the dd was a nasty selfish person as a result of her dad dripping poison in her ear and her mum trying to overcompensate with spending all her time and money on her dd, she really did love her too much she let her be so self centred. But the dd obviously didn’t see that, and if she does now she’s matured I feel terrible for her.