Would you go no contact with a parent who truly loves you?

[ramseses]

Just something I'm pondering. When I hear people talking about cutting off their parents or being no contact for years or decades, they always talk about awful stuff like mum was an alcoholic or serial adulterer or dad was physically abusive etc. Have you cut off a parent who you KNOW for sure loves you and would do anything for you? (Give you a kidney, sell their house to pay for your operation, that kind of thing) But had other "less serious" qualities like they were very strict about homework or grades or never allowed sleepovers or call you fat when you put on weight or is critical of your job or clothes etc.

This is a discussion I'm having with a friend at the moment.

Speaking as a mum whose child estranged themselves at 171/2, please don’t do it.
not without a LOT of discussion and family therapy and anything you can possibly try.
There seems to be a thing at the moment where you cut your parents off for the most inane things - see some of the heartbreaking stuff on Reddit. you are told your parents won’t understand. The internet, your friends, your partner may all want to influence you for their own gain. See some of the Reddit threads where posters declare that the parent is being manipulative or controlling, where the parent is desperately reaching out o talk, to understand - but not being given the chance.
its easy to say,’they don’t understand’ but until they do understand, you haven’t actually communicated.
i saw one Reddit where the person was blaming her parents for being normal and flawed and she deserved better. I mean really?
My child going no contact has been the most devastating thing I and her dad have endured, and we’ve both been through a lot. It’s destroyed other relationships within the family, it’s affected our other child, our marriage and our health. It’s like they’ve died, but there’s no burial and resolution and moving on. Sure you try, You go over and over what you said, what you could have done better, it’s the absolute most devastating, hurtful rejection. And there’s no end but you think of them every. Single. Day.

This exactly.

That needs a whole different thread! 😁

’Richandstrange · Today 00:06
I'm NC with a mother I know would 100% give me the kidney, doesn't mean she's a safe or healthy person to have in my life. She might love me but she's also too cowardly to confront certain situations and would rather lose me than have the uncomfortable conversations needed to resolve things. I've never doubted she loves me in her own way but she's incapable of facing up to unpleasant truths or taking any accountability for her failings so there's no way forward for us, it is what it is. I know that's not how she sees it, in her mind she's a wonderful mother whose daughter has cruelly abandoned her for no good reason, I can't argue with that level of delusion.’

You’ve written..
’I know that's not how she sees it, in her mind she's a wonderful mother whose daughter has cruelly abandoned her for no good reason, I can't argue with that level of delusion.’

But it’s not a delusion, you have cruelly abandoned her.
You know exactly what’s in someone else’s mind? You don’t think you might be conveniently not facing up to any unpleasant truths or taking accountability for any of your failings? Is the level of delusion really only just sitting with your mum, or might you be just a bit, you know, acting the way you’re accusing her of being and er, maybe deluding yourself?
just saying.

edited for typo.

Two of my adult children have chosen to go no contact with me. It breaks my heart every single day. I know why they did it. Un treated mental illness is a bitch but I’m also learning in therapy to take responsibility for my self and my actions. They know I love them dearly. I can only hope for healing.

That being said, I am no contact with my mother. I know she probably loves me in some way. I just can’t forget the emotional and verbal abuse she subjected me to for most of my life. I’m also walking around something she did to me when I was 9 or 10. I’m also unraveling all of this therapy.

No of course not. Going NC in many instances IMO is a “new” punishment for younger generations to use when they don’t like hearing the truth from others

Same.

I am so sorry. It’s an awful trend. I knew of someone who did this to their parent many years ago before it was fashionable.No explication Other children stayed close to parent and couldn’t fathom it. After a couple of decades of heartbreak they wanted to renew contact, the parent was elderly by then and said no , it’s too late.

A friend has been no contact with her DM for a goodly long while at least 20 years. When she remarried she didn’t invite her DM. Her and her mum never really saw eye to eye and her DM was very opinionated and wasn’t shy about voicing her opinions I think was the reason behind it.

Although when friend had her DC her DM was extremely helpful with her DC.

But when friend met a new man and just before they married and her kids were more independent that was when she cut off her DM.

Some of what you describe could be played down emotional or verbal abuse. There is a lot of assumptions, like the assumption that the parent is actually loving, the child could have Stockholm syndrome and still in denial about the reality their parent doesn't love them as part of the abuse symptom and say but I know they loved me, when really they are hoping they do and still haven't accepted they did not.
I think a loving but annoying (and not abusive) parent could go low contact instead of no contact. In my book, no contact is for abusive family, not strict with homework and once untactfully called me fat, it's for ones who repeatedly call the child fat or beat you black and blue for school work.

No wonder they went no contact then the parent should always welcome the child back.

It’s not a trend at all, how awful to say that to those of us who are deeply hurting

it’s something that happens after you have reached and reached and not been met or been met with silence or gaslighted and other types of emotional abuse

it is not a trend - having no contract comes after many many years of trying - some people 30 years - it’s something that’s done when you have no choice because like in my case it was affecting my mental health - it’s never a snap decision

please stop belittling peoples experience

Children and parents have been estranged for generations - we hear about it now because of SM

don’t be so offensive

This is how it is and it’s very painful ^

So many parents/people on here trying to convince themselves that this is a trend/fashionable, rather than accept any accountability for the breakdown in relationship. I know people who have gone NC, I did myself for a while. I do not know anyone who has done it without good reason.

Parents are allowed to be flawed and make mistakes but that isn’t an excuse for toxic/controlling/abusive behaviour.

Thank you for saying that - it’s painful and nothing anyone would choose

So they'll do 'anything' but that anything does not include showing you basic respect?

Lots of abusers tell their children (and anyone else who will listen) that they love them. Lots of abusers are extremely generous if their generosity will enable them to keep on abusing.

I personally would take the risk of not getting the kidney rather than endure a lifetime of regular bullying.

Cut my father off at 17, at the first chance I got. Years of coercive control, domestic violence, financial abuse, and a complete denial of responsibility. In the last conversation we ever had he tried to blame me for the fact that my mother was leaving him. He said I'd finally got my way and bullied her into it. This is a man who used to scream at her that she was a c*nt and give her black eyes.

Should I have tried therapy first to spare him from hurty feelings?

Perhaps they are genuinely worried about your health?

Although the delivery leaves a lot to be desired.

That’s a whole lot different to being strict about home work and bringing up weight/ saying someone is fat , but knowing your parent loves you.
Of course you want nothing to do with him, I wouldn’t either

I don't really understand your post tbh, I used the word delusion because my mother has created a fantasy in her mind that events which definitely, factually happened didn't actually happen and that I've gone NC for no reason, when in fact she knows exactly why! What unpleasant truths do you think I might not be facing up to? I'm really confused as to what you think I'm deluding myself about, if it's that you think I haven't thought through the implications of 'cruelly abandoning' my mother I can assure you that I have, and NC is still the only option I feel I have. I don't know if you know my backstory but I loath the implication that NC is something people do easily, or that it's some kind of trend, it was the absolute last resort for me and the hardest thing I've ever done.

He regularly said I was stupid and told me I was fat more times than I can remember.

He also said he loved me and that he loved my mother.

My dad cannot stand the fact I’m overweight. It started when I was a child, before I was even that overweight and he’d make comments to my mum about how I shouldn’t be allowed to wear certain clothes because I look ridiculous. I have a picture of me in the outfit he was referring to and honestly I don’t even look chubby. Just a tiny bit of puppy fat. But my issues with my body image started then. I grew up convinced I was fat, I started a cabbage soup diet when I was 11. So I’ve yo yo dieted all my life and ‘shockingly’ I still ended up fat.

My dad would offer me £10 for every lb I lost when I was 17 - still fat, he offered me £1000 towards my wedding when I was in my 20s if I lost 3 stone. Lost 2 before I regained it all.

When we met I could see him looking at my body to assess how fat I was.

My dad has always struggled with his weight and he has projected his issues on me. He also paid for me to do my masters, tells all his friends about my achievements, he enjoys my company and he would do anything for me. He wanted me to lose weight as he thinks that’s the only way I can be happy. He didn’t think I’d be able to get a job due to my size.

should also point out during this time I’ve been size 12/14 when I was a teen and early 20s, but the time we stopped talking I was a size 20.

I hated seeing him because it made me feel awful about myself. I didn’t want to be fat, but I’ve never been able to lose weight and keep it off. The final straw for me was when he shouted at me because of one thing or another and I said ‘no, you don’t get to talk to me like that.’ He didn’t like that I stood up to him and we didn’t talk for 7 years. I realised when we started talking again that he’d never fallen out with me, he was just too stubborn to make the first move.

He no longer shouts at me or comments on my weight, and I will no longer put up with him treating me that way. I’ve actually lost weight over the past two years but he doesn’t comment on it and I feel like he’s finally learned that it’s not acceptable and that I won’t put up with it any more

My father and I were out of contact for 17 years. Whether or not he 'truly' loves me or what he would for me do was never part of the equation - I can't tell you if he does or doesn't, or what he would or would not do, I don't think there is a way to truly know something untested.

I never viewed or called it 'going no contact', I don't think that language was around at the time for it. Like others have said, someone can be willing to do a lot of good for you, but also be a risk of doing a lot of harm. The latter was my concern, particularly once I was pregnant. It took a genuine apology and awareness from him as to why those concerns had some merit and after the initial reunion where we both discussed the issue, our shortcomings, changes over the years, we still don't talk that much, maybe once or twice a year by email. I think now that we've made peace with our past, no matter how we feel or what we would do for each other if it became needed, neither of us have that need anymore for that contact. We've built our lives separately.

No of course not. Going NC in many instances IMO is a “new” punishment for younger generations to use when they don’t like hearing the truth from others

As others said, for some it's a long, difficult decision of balancing pros and cons, benefits and risks. For others, I suspect it's someone they didn't really enjoy talking to anyways and just want a socially accepted language to stop doing so with people that we're expected to maintain good relationships with.

I know my mother was pressured by her father to maintain a relationship with me. I also got the letters from him about how he wished to see us together and the importance of family, and that was while my mother and I did talk. We had a tense relationship during and after she lost custody when I was a teenager. About 14 years ago, just after my youngest was born, she went NC with me and made it so I've no way to contact her This happened supposedly because I told my sister how tired of her gossiping about me I was & my mother didn't think I should have done that, but I think she was looking for any reason of me doing 'wrong' to stop keeping up the pretence that she had any interest in having a relationship with me. I still maintain the email address she has for me just in case, but she's well into her 60s now and with no family pressure anymore, I don't think that's going to change.

Saying you love someone is easy. Actually showing that you do is what counts As rhe sayng goes actions speak louder than words. I understand why you don’t speak to him