Would you go no contact with a parent who truly loves you?

[ramseses]

Just something I'm pondering. When I hear people talking about cutting off their parents or being no contact for years or decades, they always talk about awful stuff like mum was an alcoholic or serial adulterer or dad was physically abusive etc. Have you cut off a parent who you KNOW for sure loves you and would do anything for you? (Give you a kidney, sell their house to pay for your operation, that kind of thing) But had other "less serious" qualities like they were very strict about homework or grades or never allowed sleepovers or call you fat when you put on weight or is critical of your job or clothes etc.

This is a discussion I'm having with a friend at the moment.

I guess it’s about the intention and whether it’s harmful

people certainly only go NC as they are being hurt and it’s a last resort

yea all parents make mistakes

If you’re fat and they tell you you’re fat, they’re just telling the truth. A bit insensitive maybe… but crazy to think that means they can’t love you!

If you are old and I tell you that you are old, I'm just telling you the truth, right?

If you are a bit thick and I tell you that you are a bit thick, I'm just telling you the truth, right? Right???

It’s the way that love is expressed that’s central to this. A parent can love a child and vice versa but after a lifetime of same parent being incapable of putting child first and making everything about them then it may be that for the adult child it’s just too damaging and they have a right to draw a boundary.

No they are not.
I don't think any of “less serious “ things mentioned by OP will justify going no contact, I just mentioned these two as a reference on her list.

I'm NC with a mother I know would 100% give me the kidney, doesn't mean she's a safe or healthy person to have in my life. She might love me but she's also too cowardly to confront certain situations and would rather lose me than have the uncomfortable conversations needed to resolve things. I've never doubted she loves me in her own way but she's incapable of facing up to unpleasant truths or taking any accountability for her failings so there's no way forward for us, it is what it is. I know that's not how she sees it, in her mind she's a wonderful mother whose daughter has cruelly abandoned her for no good reason, I can't argue with that level of delusion.

If your parents are trying to control you (they probably see it as looking after or protecting you) to the degree that you can’t live your life the way you want to; then you are going to have to set very firm boundaries. The distance you’ve created should help, while you find your feet as an independent person.

Are there serious health problems involved though? Or was this just an example someone raised?

If this is not the case, you must hold the line. Resist feeding their need to rush and rescue you (unless, of course you are unwell and need help).

Get help from GP, with health problems or your weight (if YOU feel it is an issue) or if you’re in the kind of job that has any staff support counselling, use that.
Good luck - sometimes parents can be so fearful that you can’t spread your wings. A little at a time, as you and they see you’re surviving (and in time, thriving) it will all work out.

Do you love them? Are you realistic about the era you grew up in and what that meant for parenting or are you looking at it through the eyes of dodgy social media in 2025?

If my parents called me fat, they'd merely be stating the obvious. 😄

So it wouldn't bother me at all.

No.
But then I am Asian. We parent a different way and I am glad we do. We are strict and I am thankful for it.

My dd is too thin and I tell her so.

Going no contact is a huge thing and individual to each circumstance and never taken lightly.

Neither you or your friend have a clue what it entails.

Your argument is very straw man and not actually reality.

nobody can possibly know 100% for certain that someone loves them. Words are easy to say, claiming that they love you can be hollow words.

the way you know for certain is not the words they say it's how consistently does that love play out day in, day out, year in year out. Are they there for you, do they treat you with respect, do they give you their time. Those are the hallmarks of a normal healthy relationship. That's how you know, and in that case there would be very low likelihood you'd need to go NC unless you were unhinged.

but your "argument" is a straw man because you can't qualify the complexity of human connections and chemistry, by making up a story that doesn't exist. So it can go round and round endlessly.

Well, that's true too. It's complicated. I can only speak for myself. I will only say that there are different ways to parent.
That said there was a thread the other day where people were horrifically treated as kids by any standard.

What do you hope to gain by telling your dd she is too thin?

Remind her to eat bcos she forgets when working hard.

But I am not interested in defending my parenting. East is East and West is West and never the twain shall meet...

I could just as well go on a lot of " Should I charge my 17 yr old rent" threads and be outraged. We all parent according to our cultural background.

I stopped talking to my dad for 7 years, I have no doubt he loves me but his behavior wasn’t something I was willing to put up with. We’re back in contact, I’m a lot older now and the dynamic has changed and I don’t think he’d dare treat me that way any more but I don’t regret doing NC for that time

She probably thinks you're too fat but is too polite to say so.

Nope. Your friend will learn, when she becomes a parent, that no parent is perfect. All parents try their best but no one's best is perfect.

That is a very useful lesson that your friend's mother has taught her.
The imperfect is valuable, well loved and good enough.

I am in menopause, definitely a bit overweight and she does! Or rather she tells me if I wear something that is unflattering. So does my mum btw. This is the Asian way, baffling as it may seem to you. We don't have ironclad boundaries.

You seem terribly furious that people choose to have different family dynamics than you do. But then I am used to MN's belief that there is only one way to parent.

But OP, it is really none of your business why anyone goes NC. People have different boundaries.
It's up to every person to determine their own boundaries. My parents were very big on education and good grades, and I am very glad they were. So am I.
No doubt some will consider this controlling. I don't.

There is no "Asian way", there are dozens of Asian countries with varying cultures.

I suggest you travel a bit more widely.

And I'm amused, not furious. 😄

I completely agree with this - there are stronger, healthier ways of dealing with inappropriate comments in many cases - my only parent constantly went on about my weight and it wasn't healthy and was probably counterproductive but not in a million years would i have cut him off for it. As an adult I was largely able to recognise the impact and process it - whilst accepting he was flawed but it came from a loving place.

Hah. I have lived in 5 countries inclding East Asia, travelled all across the world and am on a solo trip through India/ SL right now. Pl dont Asia splain to me. I used " Asian' because that is the accepted, lazy shorthand in the UK for those of S Asian origin and I don't want to derail the whole thread.

I am well aware different Asian countries have different cultures. 🙄

Honest question - I am a pretty new (western) parent with two toddlers and I've found for me its been much more effective to have reasonably strong boundaries with them than most the parents around me seem to have but I also had a complicated upbringing so don't really have a good model from that to implement. As such I'm curious about the ways in which you see yourself having parented differently due to your background and where you think that's been most effective in case there are some learnings for my own style of parenting. (For those who might want to espouse the opposite to be clear every boundary with my kids is done in a loving way, I never really shout at them, they show every sign of a healthy and secure attachment, their punishments at this age are pretty close to natural consequences, etc i just am clearly less permissive than my average peers when it comes to parenting style).