Would you go no contact with a parent who truly loves you?

[ramseses]

Just something I'm pondering. When I hear people talking about cutting off their parents or being no contact for years or decades, they always talk about awful stuff like mum was an alcoholic or serial adulterer or dad was physically abusive etc. Have you cut off a parent who you KNOW for sure loves you and would do anything for you? (Give you a kidney, sell their house to pay for your operation, that kind of thing) But had other "less serious" qualities like they were very strict about homework or grades or never allowed sleepovers or call you fat when you put on weight or is critical of your job or clothes etc.

This is a discussion I'm having with a friend at the moment.

I have to admit that there were two years of my life where I cut off my own parents because they didn't support me at a very difficult time of my life. I resumed contact after that phase was over. I think it was absolutely the right thing to do for my mental health, BUT I feel that I had the safety net to do that because I knew they loved me and would take me back no matter what.

Great. Do you / will you also roll your eyes indulgently when she's doing this to your impressionable daughter?

I guess she could say grandma's from a different time and have a conversation about how attitudes have changed and the importance of kindness.

I call her out when she does it to my DD, just like I do when she does it to me. DD has enough self-confidence to laugh at her and tells her to behave herself.

As ever with family estrangement, there's no easy answer to this. How many people who have complicated relationships with their parents could say with certainty that they'd make the sacrifices you mention?

I was NC for several years and now v low contact with parents who I know love me, in their own way, but they have told me (several times) that they don't like me, and they have repeatedly and deliberately said and done things that have upset me. I tried for years to fix our relationship and even tried mediation, but ultimately going LC was the only option I felt I had left.

Being NC/LC has been hard because I know that they find it upsetting, but I have honestly tried everything I can think of (including mediation) to try and improve our relationship, with no success and ultimately had to protect myself. The fact that they have been telling me I'm selfish, thoughtless, hurt others around me etc for years has made this even harder to do. I constantly question whether I'm actually the bad guy in all this and I'd imagine a lot of people who don't have a clear cut reason for MC (e.g. "they committed x abuse against me" or "they are a danger to me/my loved ones") would feel the same. I've realised that in my situation there is probably fault on both sides but ultimately the dynamic is toxic and beyond repair.

Of course!
I know my parent with whom I’m low-contact absolutely believes they love me. But their idea of what’s ok behaviour from a parent is to put me down, compare me negatively to siblings/ their friends’ kids, and try to stir drama between me and my siblings and even between me and my DH. They make me feel like crap when I’m around them, plain and simple, and I no longer want to expose myself to someone who consistently makes me feel like crap. This btw is after decades of trying, and trying, and trying with them. It’s not done lightly after a single falling out or even a few incidents. It’s last resort territory.
Do they love me? Sure. Does that mean I have to put up with being made to feel like crap? I personally don’t think so.

Exactly. “When Grandma was young you had to be stick thin and always look glamorous or you’d never find a husband, and you’d end up destitute. Thankfully women can now earn a living and support themselves so attracting a mate isn’t the be-all and end-all”.

Their outdated skewed views do come from a good place.

No .. what you describe is normal parenting

No, of course not. Children really want to love their parents, they don't go no contact flippantly.

It depends on the extent of that criticism. Some dm will criticise everything about a dc. Relentlessly to anyone who’ll listen. It’s a narcissistic trait and can be very damaging. Yet to the outside world they look like they love their dc. But really they aren’t capable of love in the way someone else loves their dc.

You don't owe anyone your time or energy, so yes, if that's what you want.

Personally - I feel you're a total cockwomble to be even better asking - but you knew that didn't you?

I’ve often daydreamed about it. My parents both genuinely love me, but one is emotionally abusive (not purposefully I don’t think but I couldn’t ever raise it) and the other has his own issues and is very self absorbed. I really wish I could have a lower contact relationship than I do have, I am terrified for the future and expectations of care. But they’re amazing grandparents, that’s the main thing that stops me withdrawing more.

I only very recently started to realise that it's abusive. But it's very hard because I also ended up in a very difficult situation with my partner and his family and they have been my key support, but also a source of issues at times. There has been times Ive been very close to leaving my partner but haven't because the only place I would be able to go to is theirs and I dont want to be living in their home when at my most vulnerable as I dont trust them not to use my vulnerability to make the decisions that they want me to. As long as I can remember they have tried to force me to do what they think I should in terms of buying or selling homes (even decorating them), university studies, jobs, relationships, everything. My mum will cry and cry and say that I am ruining my life if I try to do differently and after a while it gets into your head and you start to wonder if you would ruin your life by doing it and you become totally frozen making any decision. I struggle even to choose what film to watch or what to buy in shops without someone else's opinion guiding me.

I moved 3 and a half hours away from them and if they ever speak to me and I'm having a hard day, they will turn up that day to 'rescue me' and try to solve whatever they see as being the problem, even when I really dont want them to.

I have one of these. I think people who don't have one cannot comprehend how stifling it is and how resentful it makes you feel.

One of these things is not like the other. Being strict about homework doesn't cause eating disorders.

@Bunnymcgeegod I relate to this. My overbearing parents moved the 100+ miles to be near me 😩 anyone who knows them think they’re amazing, I honestly just want space.

Absolutely. Ive had friends tell me I'm lucky to have such supportive parents who care so much but they just dont get how it stops you from living your own life.

My grandmother gave my sister bulimia by calling her fat.

You gave the wrong answer.

I know first hand because I lived with a flat mate who had this - her mum would literally come across the country to defend her if something happened

she used to dread calling them because they wanted it everyday and for hours

to me at the time I was in awe because I had the opposite with parents who couldn’t be bothered - now I know different

she moved back home to save for a mortgage - she never left..and when I visited her she was like a mini of her mum - it was awful - even the same furniture - I lost the friend I knew

That's really sad for your friend. I've had so many people tell me how great it is that my parents are so supportive but they just don't understand that it goes beyond that.

Her parents weren’t even as bad as yours!

you could never disagree with her mum though

her mum died a few years ago and she has really struggled - I think that’s because of issues of identity

I would have been saying that as in my situation it looked idillic but it was far from

it was because I was yearning for the love

Jean Isley Clarke “growing up again”
book describes balanced parenting really well and highlights this kind of parenting and its harms

None of us are perfect 🤷‍♀️

I’m sure I’ve made mistakes as a mum, my own mum has made mistakes but we’re all only human.