Would you go no contact with a parent who truly loves you?

[ramseses]

Just something I'm pondering. When I hear people talking about cutting off their parents or being no contact for years or decades, they always talk about awful stuff like mum was an alcoholic or serial adulterer or dad was physically abusive etc. Have you cut off a parent who you KNOW for sure loves you and would do anything for you? (Give you a kidney, sell their house to pay for your operation, that kind of thing) But had other "less serious" qualities like they were very strict about homework or grades or never allowed sleepovers or call you fat when you put on weight or is critical of your job or clothes etc.

This is a discussion I'm having with a friend at the moment.

We’re talking about turning your back on parents you know love you but have been strict about homework or made comments you didn’t like.

Not because of years of abuse as you describe . Of course in your case it’s understandable you are NC and valid

A parent who 'truly loves' their child would not be able to treat them badly enough for the relationship to disintegrate to the point of estrangement.

I don’t think turning your back for that actually happens - that might be the catalyst

thank you for understanding ❤️‍🩹

I hope that’s true because it would be easier to think they didn’t love me

I think their love is just very limited but they still love

I always say to myself love is an action - and I guess that’s where you must look for evidence

And who do you know that went NC due to their parents being strict about homework? lol

Exactly this. It is too ambiguous. A parent calling a kid fat is already an issue.

No.

I think acknowledging that some people do not love their children is such a taboo that people will insist that the love is there despite there being zero supporting evidence.

You can't treat someone like dirt if you love them. You may have very strong feelings towards them, but those feelings are not love.

I don’t know of anyone 😂 but this was one of the reasons in the original post. People are usually thankful once they get older as they realise it helped them get better qualifications ( all within reason of course)

I know my dad believes he loves me. We have been NC for most of my life at this point, since I was 16, with periods of low contact. We usually do a Christmas and a birthday phone call. I do love him but he has let me down so many times in my life that I can't forgive him

He indirectly caused my DGM's death, he took me away from my mum, made my mum homeless. When he got bored (and she was no longer homeless) he dumped me at her door and never paid child support. He married a woman who didn't like me and left her to parent me, which was shit for both of us. When I attempted suicide he took me shopping. He tried to get my GP to section me because I told him I was bi. He relentlessly pushed me academically but never acknowledged my achievements, only what I didn't achieve.

That's not even half of it and doesn't cover my many attempts to try and reconcile. I don't care if people think I'm being mean really. I know he loves me, but that's not enough I'm afraid.

@PatsyJane I think it is an attempt to trivialise people going NC. As if some people are doing it because they haven’t forgiven their mum for grounding them when they were 11, or for forcing them to do homework. As if normal parenting is a reason people are no longer talking to their parents.

It means that people who have children who do not talk to them anymore can dismiss their reasons and pretend it’s a trend or a fad, and everyone’s doing it and therefore they are the victim. When actually their relative is probably having to do it to protect their own mental health and happiness.

Who on earth would think you are being mean? He is abusive. Not paying child support is vile.

I have a slightly different perspective on this. I wish I had gone NC with my parents years ago but I didn't. They definitely love/loved me and all they ever wanted was a lovely, happy family where we all supported each other and spent time together etc. Unfortunately my brothers were obnoxious, aggressive and manipulative. The illusion of the nice family could only be kept up if everyone went along with what they wanted, put up with their behaviour and smiled. If I challenged this in any way I was told I was causing trouble/attention seeking/provoking them etc. Their deeply toxic behaviour was denied, excused and minimised. On the odd occasion that it was acknowledged it was on the basis that I must keep the peace to avoid making things even harder for our parents. As an adult, I kept my distance but would be dragged back in by our parents at times of crisis. Attempts at sensible discussion about what was happening never went well and they absolutely refused to speak to anyone outside the immediate family about it (they were not happy that I spoke to DH about it even). I eventually went NC with brother1 when my DC1 was born because I felt he was a serious safeguarding threat. Even that was only after trying to quietly avoid him but my parents trying to arrange for him to come and stay with me when his alcoholism and abuse towards his wife were particularly bad (he told them it was his wife's fault and he just needed some space to recover). I quietly kept very low contact with brother2 for many years. I was not directly involved with most of his shitty behaviour and could simply walk away if he started to kick off when I was visiting our parents.
Over the last couple of years, our parents' health has declined and Dad has died. Brother2 relied on them very heavily and expects me to take over that role. He also expects to dictate how mum's care should be handled but has reasons why he can't be expected to do any of this. I am now in a position of once again feeling that I can't escape having to deal with brother2 despite him being aggressive towards me and being expected by mum to do whatever he says. I receive daily calls from mum very upset and telling me how wonderful brother2 is and begging me to do things for him. I feel that I at this stage in her life I can't really walk away but since I am around they will continue the attempts to manipulate and blame me. If I had gone NC with all of them 20+years ago mum would have been able to get used to things when our parents were both around and young enough to deal with it. Perhaps they might have reflected on the situation and we could perhaps have rebuilt a relationship on a different basis. Perhaps they would have just blamed me but it would have been clear to everyone that I would not be there for them all to rely on later in life so they would have had to find another way, and I would not be torn between feeling guilty for upsetting mum and worried about brother2's abusive behaviour.

of course you are no contact after any of that tbf.

It’s the social contract were all beholden to. The fantasy that all parents are good people. People telling you things about you they know hurt you because they just don’t like it is never something loving parents do. It’s the arithmetic after that bit that people don’t want to do. And it doesn’t protect anyone but shitty ass parents.

It’s such a harmful message to give a child with an abusive parent ‘this person who harms you actually loves you so ignore it’ Anyone else spotting the obvious link between this pattern and women staying in relationships for years with absolutely VILE men. Shout out to other posters who got told this about their own abusive parents and then had a string of relationships with people like said parents.

Often on these threads people like to say that NC is a trend, people do it at the drop of a hat these days etc. believe me I have had people say "but he is your dad" despite knowing the whole ugly story. It makes you feel stupid as well as cold and mean that you don't love someone enough to tolerate this kind of behaviour. It's so hard when it's your parent. Despite everything I do love him but I don't like him and I don't forgive him

If someone regularly spoke to me in a way that caused me to feel bad about myself (calling me fat, criticising and judging my choices) then the kind of love they have isn't the kind of love I would value.
You can claim you love someone all you like, but if your actions don't show it then it's meaningless

I lost track of the post who is sad that her 17.5 years old child had cut contact and saying why didn't they give therapy a chance, well I'm sorry but you had 17 years to get it right and the onus was on you to notice your minor underage child was unhappy, it was your duty to get them and your family the help.

Children are more attached to their parents because their survival depends on them, you only get one set of bio parents meanwhile parents can start again and again with bio children. It's less in the interest and nature of a child to cut a parent out than otherwise because it's much harder to find another parent when you reach the point that you cut contact, it's not trend or frivolous huff it would have taken a lot across a long time but of course narcissistic parents will say they don't know why.

Most parents should be given the chance to apologize and alter their behavior to make the relationship work.

I say this as someone who has been happily NC for 8 years after a lifetime of daily abuse and years of trying to express how I felt and having my feelings dismissed, ignored, or gaslit, while my parents continued to grossly mistreat me.
I don't call that love.

No one is perfect but if the parents really do love your friend, then they will do what it takes to repair things. If not...

Oh gosh I’ve heard the “but she’s your mother” so many times

now I say

“yes and look what she did, terrible” end of conversation.

society by default blames the child for estrangement when they are usually the ones trying to make it right

I think there are very valid reasons for being NC or even just as it used to be said ‘not talking to someone ‘
Some people also just loose contact with their family through circumstances ,being busy ,living a different life moving away , or with no particular reason other than they just aren’t that bothered. Their choice.
Loosing contact over comments wouldn’t be me. I was too much of a confident ( thanks Mum) mouthy teenager. Îd have just argued back but my parents with their warts n all mattered too much to me to loose contact . I knew they loved me and were a solid reassuring background in my life .

Then you have a secure relationship with your parents, so can’t relate. Like I’ve said previously people don’t go NC for no reason. My mum can annoy me, say things etc and I’d just talk to her about it or ignore it.

My dad was abusive to my mum. He is short tempered and I grew up walking on egg shells around him, being able to argue back and put in boundaries just wouldn’t have been accepted.

The original post was about someone considering going no contact over homework, comments and not allowing sleepovers while knowing your parents love you.
Not what if you had a short tempered abusive father that you didn’t dare argue with
I totally get you not wanting to see him😉 and Îm sorry you had to live through that.

My mother is immature, selfish, can be very spiteful, and has always felt far too comfortable being unpleasant to me. I couldn't ask her for help if I was in trouble, although she'd happily lean on me without hesitation. She is a source of tremendous anxiety, not support and reassurance. This is the woman who told me (after I had my first child) that I couldn't have more because it was too stressful for her. And she's angry, now, that I don't make myself available.