Upset with my children

[shiningcuckoo]

My kids are 19 - twins. They live partly with me and partly with their dad. This year for Christmas they are spending it with their dad and coming to mine for dinner on Boxing Day

A few weeks ago one of my teeth was knocked out - I work with vulnerable young people and one of my students lashed out at me. Sorting the tooth is in hand - my employer won't pay, but that's another story. A few days ago I developed toothache which has got progressively worse. It seems that the tooth was sheared off and is still there below the gum. Yesterday the pain exploded as the remains of the tooth developed a massive infection. This morning (Christmas Eve here) I had it removed and I am taking many painkillers. I've been asleep much of the day and nothing is done for Christmas. I wanted a bit of help - some tidying, cleaning up, just a bit of support - but they both claim they are too busy. I am so upset that neither could give me an hour to help even a bit. I want to communicate my disappointment but I'm not sure how. Any suggestions?

Oh you poor thing, that sounds awful. It’s a tricky one. Any other time of the year and you could play the ‘after all I’ve done for you…’ card. But it’s Christmas and you’ll be seen as putting a dampener on it. Are they generally a bit shit? Or are they generally helpful?

I think I’d probably turn off my phone and go to bed and sleep as much as possible. Message them and tell them to stay away until Boxing Day afternoon or even evening as you won’t be up for doing much at all until the antibiotic kicks in. Give yourself a few extra hours to yourself to sleep and recover.

Anyway, that’s what I’d do, but I low-key can’t bear Christmas. My twins are the same age. It’s not as if they believe in Santa.

I hope you feel better tomorrow. Tooth pain is worse than labour imo.

Don’t cook a dinner on Boxing Day, pick from the fridge. Look after yourself over the next few days and don’t bother with anything else. Next time your kids want help with something, a lift, etc - tell them you’re busy just mow.

What help do you need though? They’re 19 & it’s Christmas so I’d cut them a bit of slack. Your house doesn’t need to be tidy / cleaned. Hope you feel better soon.

What are they doing that means they're too busy? TBF at 19 I wouldn't want to be cleaning the house on Christmas eve either. I would just not worry about it, let them have fun and you just rest OP.

You surely shouldn't have to pay for injury in the workplace, are you part of a union? I would contact them if so. I hope you're feeling better soon.

I wanted an hour of their time. Take the dog for a quick walk, move some boxes to the garage, have a vac around. I have a friend coming for brunch tomorrow and I just wanted the place to look respectable.

I think the problem is that kids are often brought up with absolutely everything being done for them so that when they are expected to be adult and step up, they don't have the skills and they don't even think about it.

I was brought up doing housework and helping my mother. I brought my sons up the same and my youngest (20) is so helpful. I know this won't really help you and sounds like I am showing off but it's more for the benefit of others reading this. Teach your kids to be useful and helpful as they grow up! They won't suddenly become so on their 18th birthday!

I'm sorry your kids refuse to help you.

I think you will need to make a personal injury claim against your employer to get your medical costs reimbursed. They will have insurance for this sort of thing so it makes sense. Ours will often payout interim payments to help with treatment if we think the claim will succeed.

Agreed - 19 year olds don’t want to be tidying and cleaning on Christmas Eve! I am 45 and don’t want to either. It’s probably also because they are at their dad’s I assume? So they aren’t there to see what needs doing. I can understand your frustration but I would cut them some slack

I think it is perfectly reasonable to expect your children to not be so self-absorbed that they can't help you when you are struggling. It doesn't matter whether they want to be cleaning on Christmas eve or not! Nobody enjoys doing this stuff, it just needs to be done, and we do it all the time, Christmas or not! Sorry, OP. I don't know why you would pussy foot around their feelings - just tell them you are disappointed in their reaction, and expected better from them.

Completely agree that 19 year olds should be helping as the standard, and not just when asked. It’s just me and my 7 year old at home so I ensure he helps daily with general jobs as he lives here too (and is the ness maker!) 😂

What is there reasoning for being too busy? Personally I’d be too busy to cook on Boxing Day and let them fend for themselves out the fridge.

Perhaps send a text that is very clear.

I know it is Xmas eve but I'm struggling with the pain in my mouth/face and not feeling great, I would really appreciate it is you could both come and help move some boxes into the garage and vacuum the house so I'm not embarrassed tomorrow with my guest tomorrow.

This is absolutely my take too.

My one is young (4), but he already has little jobs to do - close the lid when we take the bins out, help to make his bed, turn the washing machine on with me.

OP, you’ve had a time of it. I hope your Christmas picks up and nobody makes jokes about two front teeth. Have as good a time as you can.

With the exception of the dog being walked the rest can wait. Any decent friend will accept the house not being hoovered given you are poorly.

Gah to tooth pain. That sounds awful. And a tough work incident too.

I think you should insist - something like “I’m dialling in help. I need you guys to do this. Build it round your plans and give me a hand while I need it.”

also perhaps clear the decks and cancel plans with you pal. Depends how close you are but I had a tooth out recently and it floored me - plus it got infected. No way would I have been up for socialising. Look after yourself.

Cut them slack? It’s an hour of their time and their mother is unwell and in pain! Of course no one wants to clean on Christmas Eve. But stuff still has to get done. It’s still pretty awful of them not to lend a hand when their mother is ill. I’d like to think my adult kids would step up.

I think I’d cancel the brunch tomorrow. I’m sure your friend will understand. Leave your kids to fend for themselves.

That's really crappy of them. I would tell them too if my dc done this. Hope you have a quick recovery. As a pp said toothache to me is worse than labour. Definitely put a claim in against your employer to recover your costs.

Hmm they might not want to but it’s not loads to ask for an hour of help. I’m not sure this is just a 19 year old thing. Cutting slack just because of age fuels an entitlement mentality. Why should it all be framed around what they want? ‘Everyone should try to help each other out’ is a mutually kind and respectful place to operate from. She’s not asking for much.

Ah OP, they are your kids - let them be kids! They didn’t ask to be born!

You need to just suck it up and do all the running around and whatever needs doing to make Christmas so special for them (even if your head is dropping off with pain!)

It’s just all part and parcel of being a mum ❤️

Erm, speak to them

Get angry. Say you know they’d rather be doing something fun but so would you! Actually ring them and give them a flea in their ear. Say you don’t pull the ill card very often but you have to do just this once. They can spare an hour of their time and they jolly well should!

“Part and parcel of being a mum” In what decade?!?!

And “didn’t ask to be born” - what kind of suffering and hardship is helping for 1hour! Man I cannot imagine what kind of people this grows.

They’re 19! I would be so disappointed if my 19 year old didn’t offer to help with a few jobs if I was in agony, let alone said no when asked. They’re young adults, not toddlers.

Why make ‘being a martyr in agony while your adult children watch you, knowing you’re in pain, and refuse to help’ just ‘part of being a mum’?

Why not teach them that ‘part of being a family’ is all mucking in when someone is unwell and needs help? I’d imagine that creates much nicer people.

I’m pretty sure @Cherrytree86 was joking, folks.

What?

Quite!