Upset with my children

[shiningcuckoo]

My kids are 19 - twins. They live partly with me and partly with their dad. This year for Christmas they are spending it with their dad and coming to mine for dinner on Boxing Day

A few weeks ago one of my teeth was knocked out - I work with vulnerable young people and one of my students lashed out at me. Sorting the tooth is in hand - my employer won't pay, but that's another story. A few days ago I developed toothache which has got progressively worse. It seems that the tooth was sheared off and is still there below the gum. Yesterday the pain exploded as the remains of the tooth developed a massive infection. This morning (Christmas Eve here) I had it removed and I am taking many painkillers. I've been asleep much of the day and nothing is done for Christmas. I wanted a bit of help - some tidying, cleaning up, just a bit of support - but they both claim they are too busy. I am so upset that neither could give me an hour to help even a bit. I want to communicate my disappointment but I'm not sure how. Any suggestions?

Equally any decent friend wouldn’t require the house to be vacuumed or boxes put away, so that really doesn’t need done. The dog walking, assuming it’s their dog, needs to be walked & I’d be telling them that they must do that.

My bad @Cherrytree86. Then perhaps adopt this sarcasm with a saccharine smile and see if they get the point.

Just as I’ve said - unless the house is a shit tip, then not being cleaned or vacuumed for a few days is no big deal. Also, if it is a shit tip, why? Who is responsible for that? If that’s how the Op generally lives, then it’s not on the 19 year olds to clean up after her. The dog is a separate issue and needs
walked.

I think its more nuanced- if they're generally very helpful and thoughtful, they're staying at their dads and genuinely have plans today as its christmas eve its not that unreasonable. You're not asking them to urgently collect a prescription or drop clothes at hospital you want them to clean the house which is neither urgent or going to harm you if it doesnt happen, or at least that may be their persepctive.

Tooth pain is the absolute worst so I feel for you so much I hope you feel better soon. I used strong antibiotics and some numbing gel when I had it.

What are they actually doing today? At 19 I was working on xmas eve.

I cannot believe some of these responses. Homes don't need vacuuming and cleaning? 19 year olds should be cut some slack? what?? Apart from the whole worry of raising a generation of incompetent adults who are unfit for the whole world of adulting, there is a sick woman here who needs her family to pitch in and pull their weight. I expect my 17 year old to hoover, clean the kitchen (not perfect but she's learning) scrub the bath tub and make simple meals. These dc are treating their mother, a woman, like unpaid labour and second class citizens in her own home. So they are learning this is how women should be treated. in a family, everyone should pull their weight. A 19 year old is an adult fgs

Would it be worth perhaps moving your friend coming to another day? I’m not sure you’ll be up to hosting tomorrow after having such a big tooth extraction today, especially if you have a massive infection?

Your DC could definitely give 30 minutes to help make you as comfortable as possible, it’s not asking the earth.

Who said anything about a shit tip? She wants some boxes moved and a quick vacuum.

And no, it doesn’t NEED to be cleaned. She’d LIKE it to be. She’s asking for an hour. Not a renovation.

If you’re referring to me, missing 1 day of cleaning and vacuuming is no big deal & definitely not urgent. My DCs are all older teens who are more than capable of pulling their weight (& do) but unless it was urgent, I’d not be asking them to clean my house on Christmas Eve. I’ve also no clue as to what would constitute an urgent cleaning situation, unless I spilt something, & then whoever spilt it would clean it up straight away.

None of this is about treating their mother like a skivvy or treating women in any sort of shitty way. The dog is a separate issue, but otherwise your whole post is a load of hyperbolic nonsense!

Neither of which are urgent!!

No. But that’s hardly the point. I’d hope my adult kids wouldn’t wait until things became urgent if I was ill and in pain before they’d spare an hour of their time.

This house isn't just the OP's house, it's the 19 year olds home also. And given that the op hasn't been too well, I doubt the cleaning has been done recently. So maybe not the one day of cleaning. Not hyperbole at all, this is how you raise lazy entitled adults.

My DC are a few years older, but they’re both out all day today with friends, with tickets booked for the theatre/light shows etc. I wouldn’t expect them to cancel these last minute to help me with a spot of tidying. It really depends what it is your DC have planned.

If you feel that poorly, cancel the brunch. You're not up to it.

Do your kids drive?

If it was something really vital, like getting antibiotics from the pharmacy, I would ask them to do it. But vacuuming and tidying so you can entertain, no, I wouldn't ask my kids to interrupt their holiday time with their dad for that.

It’s also relevant as to whether they’re currently at your house or at your ex’s, and if the latter, how far away this is.

Having recently had a tooth abscess i would let the DFriend know that unfortunately the Brunch tomorrow is now off. Walk the DDog and go to bed OP. You need to rest

I would say be more direct. “ I need you to take the dog out.” So they know specifically how they can help. Say that if they don’t then Boxi g Day won’t be happening.

You're not being unreasonable.

As someone else who works with vulnerable young people, I just wanted to say I'm so sorry for what happened to you. You do such a necessary and invaluable role and it's so upsetting when you get hurt while carrying it out. This sounds like a shocking and quite traumatic incident and I hope your colleagues have been supportive ❤️

I think the practical help she wants is also symbolic of the emotional support she is scared to ask for.

@SleafordSods

if she’s not well enough for brunch she’s not well enough to walk the dog really is she

either her sons walk the dog or dog misses out on walk for a day, dog will survive

Seriously?

The 1950s are calling - they're missing you!

I was born in the 50s and have never ever thought like that!

I also assume that it's the family dog - and they can come and help care and walk it

Really people. My kids are 20 and 22 so not far off 19 and they help - in fact my son and his mate cleaned the whole ground floor a couple months ago - vacuuming, dusting and even doing the windows as a surprise (I am not a very tidy person and I have two very furry Maine coons so should really vacuum daily which I don’t). They don’t live here, they were just visiting for the weekend.
My DD is making us pancakes right now and is cooking Christmas dinner and my son said he’ll do the washing up.
So there’s not really any excuse, they live there too and I assume contribute to the general state of the house. They should already be on top of it if their mother is feeling poorly, Christmas or not.

Shouldn't have to

@Nanny0gg

no I agree, but if OP’s sons can’t be arsed then that is what will have to happen 🤷‍♀️

Op if you needed the help for yourself in the sense that you needed food brought round so you can eat then i fully agree they are out of order. Coming over to move boxes or hoover isnt important at all so let it go. Dont communicate anything to them. Save it for when theyve really annoyed you. And im sorry I don't mean this to be rude.. but you cant be that bad or youd cancel hosting your friend...