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Original poster

Upset with my children

144 replies

shiningcuckoo · 24/12/2025 09:36

My kids are 19 - twins. They live partly with me and partly with their dad. This year for Christmas they are spending it with their dad and coming to mine for dinner on Boxing Day

A few weeks ago one of my teeth was knocked out - I work with vulnerable young people and one of my students lashed out at me. Sorting the tooth is in hand - my employer won't pay, but that's another story. A few days ago I developed toothache which has got progressively worse. It seems that the tooth was sheared off and is still there below the gum. Yesterday the pain exploded as the remains of the tooth developed a massive infection. This morning (Christmas Eve here) I had it removed and I am taking many painkillers. I've been asleep much of the day and nothing is done for Christmas. I wanted a bit of help - some tidying, cleaning up, just a bit of support - but they both claim they are too busy. I am so upset that neither could give me an hour to help even a bit. I want to communicate my disappointment but I'm not sure how. Any suggestions?

OP posts:
Original poster
shiningcuckoo · 25/12/2025 04:59

A few points - my twins are not 2 boys. I have one of each. Usually my boy is more helpful, but this time, not so much.
This is not a case of never having had expectations - when they were younger, they were super helpful and they did all kinds of jobs around the house even when little. They now have regular responsibilities and the three of us have a rota for food shopping/ cooking/ laundry. They pay towards our cleaner who does a good clean of the kitchen and bathroom.
They both work but have plenty of time at the moment. Their workplaces have closed. Time with their mates aplenty! No events booked or organised here - we live in the southern hemisphere and it's all about the summer holidays.
Someone suggested that I did nothing about my tooth at the time. This isn't correct. I had some initiative work done and an appointment made for a bridge in the New Year. I was scheduled to have the lower part of the tooth removed, but this infection has beaten me to it. Workplace accountability is different here - everyone is covered for accidents by a government scheme designed to minimise litigation. But there is a cap on the amounts claimed and dentistry is very expensive. So it does look like I'll be out of pocket. I will be discussing this with my employer after the summer break - so not until February.
I wanted to see my friend on Christmas Day, otherwise I'm alone all day. She is having her first Christmas since her marriage broke down and so its hard for her too.

OP posts:
Original poster
shiningcuckoo · 25/12/2025 05:03

Oh and 'man up' can go fuck itself. I had that chunk of painful, infected tooth dug out of my jaw on Christmas Eve after spending 2 days begging for an appointment. The dentist prescribed tramadol for the pain which makes me largely useless. A few years ago I had a lung removed and was in ICU for a number of days. It was less uncomfortable than the pain in my mouth/ jaw/ chin/ lips/ ears/ cheek.

OP posts:
W0tnow · 25/12/2025 07:05

I hope you’re feeling better. You are entirely justified in feeling let down.

Lavender14 · 25/12/2025 08:09

alittleprivacy · 24/12/2025 17:29

Yeah but what are they doing? When I was 19 I was working until seven and actually pretty exhausted by the time I was done and think that I'd earned a couple of hours in the pub next-door with my workmates.

Show quote history

This is life for lots of people who have older parents who need care and support every day.

This is a one off, at Xmas. I think it's completely normal to set the standard that you all pitch in to help family and nipping round to help do a quick tidy up and walk a dog for a sick parent is not a lot to ask in the grand scheme of things. Is it inconvenient, of course. Is it something that we just do and get on with - absolutely.

NavyTurtle · 26/12/2025 17:36

Daytimetellyqueen · 24/12/2025 09:57

What help do you need though? They’re 19 & it’s Christmas so I’d cut them a bit of slack. Your house doesn’t need to be tidy / cleaned. Hope you feel better soon.

They are 19 so cut them a bit of slack???? They are adults and selfish ones at that. I was married with my own family at that age. Retire to bed and fuck the lot of them. Selfish shits.

Emmz1510 · 26/12/2025 17:37

If they don’t usually help around the house then they are hardly likely to suddenly develop empathy and a sense of responsibility and start now. Really they should have been doing tasks for years now. If they normally do, and suddenly now are just ‘too busy’ to help, then I’d feel more comfortable with saying that you are ‘too busy/unwell’ to make a fancy Boxing Day dinner. Not pettiness, just natural consequences of laziness. Unless of course their holiday calendars genuinely are packed, although I find it hard to believe they can’t spare an hour.
If on the other hand they have never been encouraged to do stuff round the home and you’ve always done everything, then in the kindest possible way this is probably on you and their dad. Time to re-evaluate what you expect of them as young adults who should be moving towards living independently.

Justanothermum42 · 26/12/2025 17:56

Your employer absolutely has to pay. No way round it. Stick to your guns and do not let it go. This is an injury that happened at your work place. They are insured for things like this.

amigafan2003 · 26/12/2025 18:05

"I want to communicate my disappointment but I'm not sure how."

Your bags are packed and out the front. Have a nice life.

angelfacecuti75 · 26/12/2025 18:10

Read them the riot act.

Payitforward55 · 26/12/2025 18:11

Tooth pain is absolutely awful I really hope you feel better soon. I can't imagine either of my parents asking for help and me saying no without good reason. I know its very hard when you are literally feeling like death but can you basically read them the riot act and say unless you have an excellent reason get your asses overhere and help. I'm not asking I'm giving you an instruction because I'm really ill and need help please.

angelfacecuti75 · 26/12/2025 18:13

Don't make them comfortable. They have been made too comfortable. That is the issue here. I would tell them to stay at their dads boxing day or go out . Then they will see how hurtfultheir behaviour is .

CJ50Mum · 26/12/2025 20:11

shiningcuckoo · 24/12/2025 11:05

I wanted an hour of their time. Take the dog for a quick walk, move some boxes to the garage, have a vac around. I have a friend coming for brunch tomorrow and I just wanted the place to look respectable.

I think that's more than fair they should have given you an hour of their time. Teens can be selfish & need reminding to help at times. Hope you are feeling better soon

Banannanana · 26/12/2025 20:41

I think there’s two separate issues here.

They should have walked the dog. It’s a family pet and should be their responsibility too.

But tbf you’ve decided you’re still well enough to host friends. I wouldn’t be asking anyone to change their Xmas Eve plans to clean my house for me because my friend was coming over. If you’re well enough to host a brunch, you’re well enough to quickly put the hoover round before it.

Urgent chores eg dog walking, collecting prescriptions, they’re old enough to help.

But cleaning the house for your Xmas Day plans (that they’re not part of), no. You’ve decided to make these plans, despite how you’re feeling. Preparing the house for that isn’t their responsibility.

Rora24 · 26/12/2025 21:02

Honestly, if I was 19 and already paid towards a cleaner and helped consistently the rest of the year - I'd want a break at Christmas. Surely if this is a good enough friend to have for Christmas day, she'll understand and help out instead or host you if you're not well enough.

HevenlyMeS · 26/12/2025 21:50

NavyTurtle · 26/12/2025 17:36

They are 19 so cut them a bit of slack???? They are adults and selfish ones at that. I was married with my own family at that age. Retire to bed and fuck the lot of them. Selfish shits.

Show quote history

I must admit it does seem like numerous youngsters in more recent times, are most surely brought up to be quite selfish 😢It's really sad
My Mum was so good for helping my dear brother & I think of others - to be helpful, compassionate etc -
It seems it's just not so, oftentimes, with some families these days💚

Radiosn · 26/12/2025 23:08

That sounds absolutely horrendous OP.
God help you.
Tooth pain is the worst.
Your children have hugely let themselves and you down, and I would be telling them so.
They are far too old for such selfishness.
YOU need to seriously rethink what you do for them.
I would be dropping that rope completely.
Do you do a lot, too much for them?
If so, stop it now.

They need consequences, to feel the consequences.
Words mean nothing.
Action is what you need.
Show them consequences by dropping the rope.
I hope you feel better soon.

Consider the Small Claims Court for your employer whom won't cover the full cost.
Talk to ACAS about the denatal costs too.

whattheysay · 26/12/2025 23:53

Apart from walking the dog which they can do, I wouldn’t be asking my 19 year olds to come and clean the house on Xmas eve so that I can host brunch for other people the next day

landlordhell · 27/12/2025 08:30

whattheysay · 26/12/2025 23:53

Apart from walking the dog which they can do, I wouldn’t be asking my 19 year olds to come and clean the house on Xmas eve so that I can host brunch for other people the next day

Edited

Not even if you were unable due to sudden ill health? Surely they should ask if there’s anything g they can do to help, it’s what any decent human would do.

PloddingAlong21 · 27/12/2025 09:05

Can understand your annoyance but think it’s a tricky one…

From their perspective they’re at their dads so visually and emotionally they’re going to be a bit detached from your situation. Xmas eve they likely do have plans etc which aren’t as easy as cancelling as a normal Saturday.

They also likely think “mums got her mate round tomorrow so she can’t be that bad.”

If you can’t hoover how are you going to host?

Hameth · 27/12/2025 09:15

I have no advice on lazy teenagers. Who does? But if it was an injury in the course of your duties, then they are insured and should pay. Follow up.

Northernparent68 · 27/12/2025 09:55

I’m wondering if there’s a back story to this, if you have a habit of interrupting their time with their father

MumOf4totstoteens · 27/12/2025 10:33

I’d of cancelled Christmas due to what sounds like a medical emergency. Hope you’re feeling better: very selfish behaviour from your kids I’m angry for you!

Wendywoopp · 27/12/2025 10:49

Can’t believe so many people are saying “19 year olds don’t want to be cleaning” well, who does? They’re 19, not 9. Some 19 year olds have moved out at that age & fully rehearsed in domestic chores (I certainly was). My kids are younger than that and still at school but would still help out. She’s not asking for a deep clean, she’s asking for a quick tidy up. I think it’s very entitled that they expect it frankly.

PissedOff2020 · 27/12/2025 13:15

It’s super hurtful isn’t it. I’ve had a few occasions with our elder boys where I’ve felt so upset and let down. Makes you think they really don’t care about you.

The last time the eldest’s (22) behaviour was so bad, when my husband was critically ill and could have died. It almost broke our relationship. The truth is they’re so wrapped up in their world they don’t appreciate the gravity of things. I sent a well considered message to him this time, telling him how utterly upsetting his behaviour was and why. I put the ball in his court to consider and he then reached out to apologise. It felt much better then.

Tashazet · 27/12/2025 14:07

Cherrytree86 · 24/12/2025 12:08

Ah OP, they are your kids - let them be kids! They didn’t ask to be born!

You need to just suck it up and do all the running around and whatever needs doing to make Christmas so special for them (even if your head is dropping off with pain!)

It’s just all part and parcel of being a mum ❤️

and this attitude is why we have an entitled younger generation. This is ridiculous to the extreme! Give your head a wobble and think about what you have just written. They are 19 year old ADULTS. Adults by law and acting like entitled children. The OP is struggling and in pain but you are telling her to suck it up, that is just guilt tripping at her lowest. She needs help, her children can help with little 'interruption' to their day. She is not asking for any more than an hour of their time. Totally reasonable.