Upset with my children

[shiningcuckoo]

My kids are 19 - twins. They live partly with me and partly with their dad. This year for Christmas they are spending it with their dad and coming to mine for dinner on Boxing Day

A few weeks ago one of my teeth was knocked out - I work with vulnerable young people and one of my students lashed out at me. Sorting the tooth is in hand - my employer won't pay, but that's another story. A few days ago I developed toothache which has got progressively worse. It seems that the tooth was sheared off and is still there below the gum. Yesterday the pain exploded as the remains of the tooth developed a massive infection. This morning (Christmas Eve here) I had it removed and I am taking many painkillers. I've been asleep much of the day and nothing is done for Christmas. I wanted a bit of help - some tidying, cleaning up, just a bit of support - but they both claim they are too busy. I am so upset that neither could give me an hour to help even a bit. I want to communicate my disappointment but I'm not sure how. Any suggestions?

Since the issue is toothache, I would think If you are well enough to host and eat a meal with friends then I don't think you would have any difficulties doing the hoovering. I hope you have a great time.

I am a little bothered at the amount of people that seem to feel that a nineteen
year old adult is ungrateful unless they are available to cater to the wants of their parents. I am sure in an emergency they would be but that is hardly the situation here.

Like everyone I am sure they have plans and these will likely be more important to them and those they are visiting at Xmas than a bit of dust on a carpet.

Asking them to take the dog for a quick walk, fine. But I wouldn’t be expecting people to come round and help tidy/clean before a guest arrives, not at this time of year. They likely already have plans. For a start it isn’t “just an hour”. Let them enjoy Christmas.

If your visitors are good enough friends to be coming for brunch on Christmas Day then they should be understanding of your situation.

I’m sorry to hear about your tooth but I suspect there’s underlying reasons for how you are feeling, and it is not just because they [very understandably!] don’t want to come round and clean on Christmas Eve.

Yes so true 😢

Yes of course but that doesn’t seem to be the case here, if she’s got her friends coming over I imagine she’s not that ill.

I disagree. I would help anyone who had been through that. Sometimes you can manage a part but not the whole and your nearest and dearest should know that.

I was thinking this was angry sarcasm from someone who is dealing with selfish offspring herself.

Maybe OP could hire a dog walker and get a cleaning crew in instead of presents for twins. Then she could tell them her present to them is their time and freedom.

My husband passed away a few days ago and my son's (youngest aged 19) have barely left my side. Even his friends have offered help.

Well they already contribute to paying towards a cleaner, so charging them twice would be a bit of a piss take.

Anyway, hope you’re feeling better Op.

In that case, it would be. Shouldn't be much cleaning to do anyway as she does live alone. I think though families should look after each other and I definitely would be with my mum if she was poorly. Maybe at 19 though they have never had toothache and probably don't appreciate just how painful it can be, whereas older people do tend to know.

How did you manage to get your tooth removed? My dentist is refusing to extract mine.

From this post I am wondering if you live in a country like New Zealand that has ACC for tooth accidents. Yes, this will cover some but ACC for dental can be complicated, especially if other teeth aren't perfect.

Not in countries like New Zealand where we have a government entity that covers all accidents. That entity will pay, but dental work can be complicated as they can make you fix any other perfections before they do the work from accident. They also can exclude certain fees such as anesthetics.
We do not have the right to sue here, although in exceptional cases you may get a payout if it goes to Health and Safety court, but this is rare and really only happens in cases where people die.

This thread is weird.

I am surprised firstly by how many people think it's unreasonable to ask 19 year old's to help their unwell mother. I expect my 14 head old to do so and she does - she cooked dinner last night because I am un ell, she built flat-pack for me today.

Obviously it DOES depend what the twins had booked. If they had a hot date with the person they had fancied for ages, say, or non-refundable tickets to something, that's different. Doesn't seem the case here, tho.

But I am even MOREj confused with the question "how shall I communicate my disappointment?" And all the weird, convoluted punishment plans - not giving them presents, cancelling Boxing Day etc. Do people really treat their own kids with such petty spire at Christmas?

Personally, I woild express my displeasure using my words. Just tell them how they made you feel. If you have raised decent humans that will be highly effective - pulling some weird sadistic shit will just make them dislike you and feel utterly vindicated in their actions.

Hope your tooth is sorted now, OP! Sounds horrible.

Oh no. I’m so, so sorry. That’s awful. I’m glad you are getting support.

I have an (almost) 19 year old son. Teen boys are amazing. 🥹

Wishing you all the best.

Thank you for your kind words.

Oh no:( had no idea you were not in the UK. That’s tough .

Hope you did bugg3r all for them on Boxing Day.

I really hope this is satire. ⬆️

OP, I’m sorry you’re in this situation, in all the ways. Looking at the timings, all this will have been overtaken by events. But unfortunately it seems like one of those things ‘If you have to explain, they won’t understand.’

Guilting someone into helping you - when they have made it abundantly clear they do not want to help you - never has a positive outcome. It just fuels resentment on all sides.

I am sorry that your twins have not grown up to be instinctively compassionate and thoughtful, especially towards the person who gave them life. I have twins myself and can only imagine how painful this is.

In your position, I would be practising consequence-based parenting. You can’t make them do the kind / helpful / thoughtful thing, but you can choose how much you decide to do with and for them, given how ill you have felt, and given their indifference to that, coupled with their refusal to assist. They are of course still your children, and also they are now adults. Boundaries innit.

So get onto practising relentless self-care. Prioritise feeling better and cutting yourself some freaking slack. Do whatever you need to do feel better and signpost clearly to your twins what the revised plans are.

Maybe let go of the need to express your disappointment to them - just mentally registering what happened and perhaps bringing it up at a later date when emotions and teeth have calmed down, and the festive season is over. Wishing you all the best and a speedy recovery. 💐