Upset with my children

[shiningcuckoo]

My kids are 19 - twins. They live partly with me and partly with their dad. This year for Christmas they are spending it with their dad and coming to mine for dinner on Boxing Day

A few weeks ago one of my teeth was knocked out - I work with vulnerable young people and one of my students lashed out at me. Sorting the tooth is in hand - my employer won't pay, but that's another story. A few days ago I developed toothache which has got progressively worse. It seems that the tooth was sheared off and is still there below the gum. Yesterday the pain exploded as the remains of the tooth developed a massive infection. This morning (Christmas Eve here) I had it removed and I am taking many painkillers. I've been asleep much of the day and nothing is done for Christmas. I wanted a bit of help - some tidying, cleaning up, just a bit of support - but they both claim they are too busy. I am so upset that neither could give me an hour to help even a bit. I want to communicate my disappointment but I'm not sure how. Any suggestions?

With the same take any decent kids (legally adults) would understand and lend an hour to help their mother under such circumstances.

If they are at yours today, sure they should help, but if they are round their dad's/ doing last minute shopping/ have existing plans etc etc then you can ask but you also need to accept they might have other stuff on.

Have they always been expected to pitch in? My sons wouldn’t need asking, nobody has ever had a jobs list, if they see something needs doing, crack on. I’m not sending two more unless men out into the world.

id be so disappointed if I was unwell and they didn’t just take over, just like I would for them. It’s not about being a kid, it’s the basics of being a family.

That's bad. Tell them to bloody well do it. Hope you're feeling better soon.

I am sorry to hear of your situation. At 19 they should be thinking like adults not juveniles.

I think that all can do is plead with them or get your ex to have word if possible.

Merry Christmas OP good luck

I wouldn't expect my adult children to cancel their plans on Christmas Eve to help me move some boxes, walk the dog and run the vacuum around.

If you're not well enough to those things yourself (and there's no rush) then are you really well enough to be hosting tomorrow morning?

I'm so immensely sorry to hear of your suffering & lack of support from Your Beloved Twins🫂😢🫂
God Bless You
Maybe they're both busy planning some beautiful surprises for you especially for Christmas & don't wish to risk you not having your Christmas treats in time 💚& don't realise just how much pain you're presently in
I'd be so hurt too
I'd need to express my upset & I'm praying someone here's able to gloriously guide you with some helpful wise words 🙏🫂🙏
Wishing You&Yours all the utmost very best Sincere Supreme Soul 💚

I know it's not what you're asking op but I work in a similar line and I'd be very concerned that your employer isn't doing all they can to support you with this. You're in a job that has high rates of burn out which leads to high staff turnover etc. It's in their interests to look after staff who have a negative experience at work and being assaulted is a really big deal. I would be raising a complaint. The last place I worked was extremely supportive when I was assaulted and offered counselling and fully paid time off and made changes to how a few things were done. When a colleague had their car windows put in that was all covered for them. Are you in a union? If not I'd join one ASAP and get some support with this.

In terms of your kids, I don't think you're being unreasonable. I understand this time of year is busy even for younger ones who maybe have lots of social things planned. But I would point out to them both that usually you put a lot of work in behind the scenes to make sure things are nice for them at Christmas and this year you need their help and they are both big and scary enough to step up and do a couple of bits for you so you'll see them at x time for one hour and if not then you are officially on strike.

What a strange thing to say - My home is kept spotless (by myself & my older teen DCs), so any visitors wouldn’t require any special cleaning to be done if I wasn’t feeling great. I also don’t leave boxes lying around but if I did, then I imagine a good friend would understand why they hadn’t been tidied away.

I help my mum absolutely loads and always have. No way would she even ask me to cancel plans to hoover or move some boxes! How utterly ridiculous. Of course, if the DC were sitting on their backsides at home that would be different but if they’re busy or at their dads I think it’s cheeky to expect them to come home for this tbh.

This. Even though I still hate cleaning, at 19 I'd worked out that it was important to my mum especially if people were coming over. That's why I would do this for her in this situation regardless of whether I 'wanted to' or was busy - I know my DM would be upset enough about her tooth and the house not being ready would make her feel worse.

What is the coparenting relationship like? This is their Dads Christmas time and even at 19 the dynamics between parents can be tricky if not even trickier than when younger

Nothing worse than tooth ache !

However I would not hoover

Pain killers or alcohol to numb the pain

Perhaps you can ask your friend to walk the dog tomorrow

There is always KFC if you don't want to cook tomorrow

(Japan has a new tradition of KFC at xmas)

Hope you feel better soon

Just take until the day after Boxing Day to recover. If they appear to find you ill in bed or on the sofa, then they may decide to muck in then. They are 19, not toddlers, look after yourself and don't be afraid to show them that mothers can be unwell too.

Nobody WANTS to tidy on Christmas Eve, but her kids are old enough to understand kindness.
sadly though, at 19 many teens are still quite selfish

Trouble is they're young lads and to them it's only a tooth.. What's up with you.. Have you not got a sister or friends that can come around just to help a bit.
Nothing worse teeth problems like yours.. Hope you get better soon..

When you go back to work insist on an accident report. I'd even phone in sick today with "workplace injury, infection of tooth (sheared off my student on xxx).
Contact your trade union.
Check your house insurance for legal cover and get a claim in for your costs and the pain you've had to endure.

Your kids are hopeless, id just let them turn up and make dinner, dont worry about the mess for now.

Yeah but what are they doing? When I was 19 I was working until seven and actually pretty exhausted by the time I was done and think that I'd earned a couple of hours in the pub next-door with my workmates.

Except they are adults not children

@shiningcuckoo they’re adults. Even if they were younger they could still help. I’d do something like this …

You need to ensure this is recorded as an incident in the workplace. There should be an accident book. This needs to be done as a matter of urgency.
The employer may deny it happened on their premises.
If you are in a union please seek advice.
If you are not please go to citizens advice and they may be able to guide you.
In any case there are not safe systems of work so this does not happen. What safeguards have been put in place to ensure this does not happen again?

So what if they don’t want to? You don’t always get what you want, that’s part of being an adult member of the family. At 19 it wouldn’t kill them to spend an hour helping their mum out when she’s in agony. They’re grown enough.

Kids?! They're adults, old enough to work, marry and have their own children, let alone a bit of empathy and care for their mother. Have a great lunch with your friend, OP, I'd be tempted to go to your friend's house for boxing day lunch and let your twins fend for themselves.

Yes so true, us Mums are only human too💚

I think OP is a woman?