Upset with my children

[shiningcuckoo]

My kids are 19 - twins. They live partly with me and partly with their dad. This year for Christmas they are spending it with their dad and coming to mine for dinner on Boxing Day

A few weeks ago one of my teeth was knocked out - I work with vulnerable young people and one of my students lashed out at me. Sorting the tooth is in hand - my employer won't pay, but that's another story. A few days ago I developed toothache which has got progressively worse. It seems that the tooth was sheared off and is still there below the gum. Yesterday the pain exploded as the remains of the tooth developed a massive infection. This morning (Christmas Eve here) I had it removed and I am taking many painkillers. I've been asleep much of the day and nothing is done for Christmas. I wanted a bit of help - some tidying, cleaning up, just a bit of support - but they both claim they are too busy. I am so upset that neither could give me an hour to help even a bit. I want to communicate my disappointment but I'm not sure how. Any suggestions?

A few years ago when my kids were late teens I was unwell at Christmas, (had chemo on 3rd Dec and was very weak). My kids cleaned the house and my then 19yr old son prepared and cooked Christmas dinner, (my utterly useless now X husband did bugger all but that's another story). I didn't have to ask they just got on with it. Kids are perfectly capable of stepping up to the plate if needed, it's a person thing, not an age thing, some people have empathy, others not so much.

I hope you feel better soon OP, ( sounds awful) I would try phoning your friend, if you were my friend I'd say don;t worry, I'd pop over run the hoover round and walk the dog for you, and offer to put the brunch together tomorrow.

I would also let the kids know once they arrived that you aren't up to cooking a meal so it's either they cook for you all or it's cold bits.

You are a bit unreasonable. If you are feeling ok enough to host, why should they change their plans do do random chores that don't need doing.

But expecting them to take the dog for a walk is not too much to ask.

I'd be curious what they actually do in every day life? By 19, there should be involved in running the house anyway, so they should at least get on with their normal chores? Don't they walk the dog everyday for example?

Poor you. You are not being unreasonable. 19 year olds are adults and can run a hoover around and tidy up the house. Even when ill I don’t want to live in a tip. Can you ask again, give them a couple of jobs each. It doesn’t take long, explain how rough you feel. It maybe Xmas eve but you’d hope they’d have some empathy.

Some odd responses on this post. Of course they should be helping you - especially at 19, especially because you're unwell and especially because it's Christmas! You need to communicate clearly, but YANBU at all. Jeez, even my two-year-old has been unloading the dishwasher and scrubbing carrots today! I believe that including kids in the running of the house will help equip them to be functioning adults and 19 is more than mature enough to push a hoover around, christ. A lot of mums here have incredibly low expectations it seems!

I didn't work & always asked very little of the kids.

That's precisely why I'd expect them to help when it was really needed!

If they have plans that's something, but often plans can be altered without putting other people out.

The post you are quoting couldn’t be more obviously dripping with sarcasm. Try reading it again.

Just in case this isn't a troll I'll bite. I could not disagree more with this post for many reasons:

1. The kids are adults now - they can handle this.
2. The OP didn't ask to be born either. So not sure how that has anything to do with this.
3. "You just need to suck it up" - She really, really doesn't. These aren't toddlers - they know just how special Christmas is meant to be and they should now be contributing to the effort.
4. Part and parcel of bring a mum - so being a mum is martyring yourself for your kids is it? This just teaches them that empathy isn't important, that pitching in isn't valuable and appreciated. Being there for the people you love when they need you is one of the most important things any human can do - they need to learn this and do this.

If this suggestion is real it is a real indicator of just how shot to pieces the perception of what a good parent has become.

I think anyone with a massive dental infection who had dental surgery this morning may need help in many ways that would be apparent to any caring adult!
Most caring adults would ask how they could help and do so,unless distance of an emergency made assisting impossible.

Please tell me this is parody.....

I think if they are at their dad's they probably see it that they do their jobs there.
Hope you feel better soon

You've had a tooth out, come on..man up

That's really poor of them. I would be politely letting them know how disappointed I am. My 24 yo DD lives with me and wouldn't dream of behaving like this.

A lot of posters on here need to brush off their sarcasm-detecting skills. The poster you’re quoting couldn’t more obviously be joking - the sarcasm is incredibly heavy-handed. Try reading it again.

It’s clearly sarcasm. Read it again.

Leaving aside the question why you haven't yet been to see the dentist, assuming the incident happened while you were at work, and you were not being negligent yourself, your employer is responsible, and I any event will have employers and occupiers liability insurance. Particularly if they are local government, they will knownthis - don't let them fob you off

Leaving aside the question why you haven't yet been to see the dentist, assuming the incident happened while you were at work, and you were not being negligent yourself, your employer is responsible, and I any event will have employers and occupiers liability insurance. Particularly if they are local government, they will knownthis - don't let them fob you off

Of course your children should help you! Never understand why some posters’ expectations are on the floor for this kind of thing.

I’m sorry about your tooth, what a nightmare - hope you’re feeling better soon.

@Daytimetellyqueendont judge other people by your own standards. Some people like their homes cleaned every day and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that

Don’t ask them, tell them what needs doing. I’d send another message saying you phrased it wrong and it wasn’t a polite request, it was an instruction and you expect help if they want to be hosted and if they care even a tiny bit about you. Spell it out and raise your expectations.

Did you actually spell out to them that you needed help and specifically why and what for?

So many posters on here ask for help in a very vague, indirect “oh just if you’re not busy” sort of way and then post on here upset that their needs aren’t being met.

Thank goodness,it can be very tricky to tell these days...

I am sure the twins will be happy to assist when they return home but I think it's unreasonable to expect any adult to change their Christmas plans just for an hour of cleaning!

Just take your time and do things slowly, if you feel too ill to do it just take it easy.

The 19 years olds are being judged unfairly here.

Their Mum wants their help to tidy up for a visiting friend, it’s not like she needs help to look after herself. The teens probably would help if it were a genuine need and not just a want. It is likely that they aren’t lying when they say they are busy. It’s Christmas Eve and lots of people have plans. It would be very mean to expect them to cancel plans with their own friends so that they can clean the house for their mums friend who they won’t even see.

Why is cleaning for your friend’s visit more important than whatever plans they have with their friends?

Look after yourself and do no cooking, nothing for them. Next year, treat yourself to a nice little break somewhere warm, without them.