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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Bad sex. New relationship. Small penis

227 replies

Ohblimey2025 · 20/12/2025 08:40

I've met a very nice man who ticks all the boxes, but is absolutely dreadful in bed. I don't think it helps that his penis isn't very big and he also has a bit of a tummy.
He's only slept with a couple of women (we are in our 50s) and literally has no clue! He's very religious (I'm not), so finds it hard to talk about sex. I've had to fake it every time we've had sex as he's so disappointed with himself if I don't cum.
Can old dogs be taught new tricks? I've even intoduced toys but don't enjoy them as he thinks it's a failure on his behalf.
I've had a full filling sex life with other men over the years so I'm sort of astounded that someone can be still be this bad in their 50s.
Constructive and gentle feedback only please.

OP posts:
Lillibridge · 20/12/2025 10:53

Naunet · 20/12/2025 10:50

Did you think your opinion is the only one? If the PP thought he sounded egotistical, and i agree in respect of sex, she's allowed that opinion just as much as you're allowed yours.
We don't need your policing, thanks.

Edited

Not policing. Just expressing an opinion...like you.

BuckChuckets · 20/12/2025 10:54

In the bin, you're not sexually compatible. (I'd definitely bin him if it were me, you can't have a relationship with bad sex, and at my age - late 40s - it's not my responsibility to teach a grown man)

LoveSandbanks · 20/12/2025 10:55

I had the best sex ever with a guy with a small penis and a bit of a dad bod.

Its no excuse.

mumofoneAloneandwell · 20/12/2025 10:55

Is he rich, op??? Why are you there otherwise?

Owly11 · 20/12/2025 10:55

Stop faking it. You are taking responsibility for his feelings - stop it. Neither of these are the basis of a healthy relationship and in the worst case may result in you feeling controlled by him over time. It is not your problem to solve - it is his too. Let the problem show itself every time you have sex eg you get bored and roll over. Let him take a lead on trying to solve it.

Zucker · 20/12/2025 10:57

He's training YOU to put up and shut up. He's disappointed if he thinks you don't cum so you pretend. He says he feels inadequate when you introduce toys, so you don't use them. Lose this guy.

usedtobeaylis · 20/12/2025 11:06

You've made a rod for your own back, stop faking it ffs. If he's not willing to talk about it then it doesn't really bode well.

MangoPizza · 20/12/2025 11:07

BeNoisyFish · 20/12/2025 10:43

As soon as I pressed send I KNEW someone will pick on this point 😆😆 followed by others saying well no you can't!

In my experience, hands, feet and nose give a good idea. Height isn't the best penis size indicator but of course it does add overall attractiveness for a man to be tall. For most men their penis resembles their fingers. I'm sure there are exceptions but this has generally been proved right.
I will also add that size isn't the be and end all of good sex!

I've heard of the feet theory before but nose made me laugh. Not true for my DH (Small nose..)

Op I would tell him that most women need foreplay and some women only orgasm in certain positions. Both true, and not anything he can take personally. If it's still crap after trying different things then you'll have to leave.

Naunet · 20/12/2025 11:08

Lillibridge · 20/12/2025 10:53

Not policing. Just expressing an opinion...like you.

No, you're policing and trying to correct peoples opinions. It's not needed.

ILoveFilmsFromTheEighties · 20/12/2025 11:09

Hi OP

If he is inexperienced then bringing sex toys into the arena has probably scared him so I'd probably put them to one side for the moment and of course you can use your vibrator etc in private.

Re the tummy - I wouldn't worry too much about that. Yes of course it is better when all concerned are in shape and whilst it is a 'negative' it's not one I end a relationship over.

They can definately be 'trained'. I dated someone when I was late thirties and he was early forties and I'm not sure if he had never been in a long term relationship before but it was like he did the very basics to make me come but not a thing extra. Foreplay by numbers sort of thing. I have to admit I didn't bother to teach him anything as we were only together 6 months on and off and he was having a horrible time in his job/had depression.

A few years later we went out a couple of times (he had been in a 2 year relationship) and even though we didn't go the whole way, just a bit of foreplay you could already tell his ex had either taught him stuff or requested stuff and he did seem that he was now more 'experienced' in the art of seduction. Could you try saying 'Oh you know what I love when you do this....' - start small and easy like kiss my neck.

Penis size. Yeah it's a tricky one although I have to say there is such a thing as 'too big' as well. Ex husband looking at you. Seriously though how small is small. One guy I lived with for two years was 'short in length but perfectly fine in girth' and that was okay. The moral of the story being that girth is definately more important than length. Unfortunately another had a very long but very thin penis and honestly I literally couldn't feel anything. That was disappointing and of course not much he could do about it (he was a tall and thin individual so I guess his penis was just in keeping with the rest of him). I sort of got used to it to a degree but yes a bit of a downer for sure. I think you have to look at the whole picture. In my case the guy also thought oral sex for me was below him so i didn't get that either (well once for about 2 mins then never again). So small penis plus nice guy can be acceptable if there is good foreplay, good oral and making the best of it. It's just another 'negative' though to make up the whole picture.

Only you can decide if he can be 'trained' and how small is small.

Bear in mind that some men who have very high sex drives and are good in bed are also cheaters. Looking at you half italian ex. Loved to pleasure his partner. Unfortunately loved all women.

If you like him otherwise and get on outside the bedroom I'd give the training up a go and see if progress is made.

Otherwise you know what to do.........dating is a minefield.

KnittyNell · 20/12/2025 11:10

BabyHairs · 20/12/2025 09:40

Is there really any need to get on here as the defender of men? Like?

Yes there is actually.

Luckyingame · 20/12/2025 11:11

Constructive and gentle feedback?
NO for myself. Politely.

Lillibridge · 20/12/2025 11:12

Naunet · 20/12/2025 11:08

No, you're policing and trying to correct peoples opinions. It's not needed.

No I'm not. And I'm not correcting your opinion either. But I can disagree. That's allowed.

Moortown · 20/12/2025 11:12

Hmm 🤔 I wouldn’t rule him out completely, if he’s that lovely in other ways.

My DP sounds a bit similar in that he was very inexperienced when we met, and from a religious culture, he’s not comfortable discussing sex. He was only in his thirties and didn’t have the small penis though. Without me having to make him feel awkward through conversations, with practice over the years he has got a lot better, and now although the sex we have isn’t objectively the most adventurous or exciting sex I’ve ever had, I get more pleasure out of it because of who he is and how much I love him. I think if we broke up tomorrow (no plans to) his next partner would be pretty happy with him! I think it sounds like with both my DP and your BF, a lack of confidence is the key issue, but that can definitely be worked on and things do get better.

The fact that your DP worries about whether or not you orgasm shows a willingness to please you, which is a good start. I think if he ticks every other box it might be worth hanging in there, genuinely good, kind men are thin on the ground. I was pretty wild sexually before I met DP and things are very vanilla by comparison now, but I can honestly say that I am far happier with him than I was before.

Elsvieta · 20/12/2025 11:14

Not that religious, or he wouldn't have sex outside marriage. Or get involved with anyone who didn't share his religion. I think that's a red herring where the "not discussing things" is concerned.

Purplecatshopaholic · 20/12/2025 11:15

AngelinaFibres · 20/12/2025 09:03

Religious. Yuk
Unable to discuss things at this age. Yuk
Tummy.Yuk
Small penis. Yuk.
You can't change the hang ups he has. He's far too old to get rid of them.
I wouldn't fancy a man with a tummy and , from the tone of your Op, I'd say you are the same. That can be worked on but you should fancy him for who he is not who he could be.
Small penis. That's not going to change

Tells it like it is. Similar age to you op, and CBA to try and ‘train’ him, likely his hang-ups are totally engrained now. You could put in loads of effort and get nowhere. I’d move on from this one.

ILoveFilmsFromTheEighties · 20/12/2025 11:15

BabyHairs · 20/12/2025 10:36

Sorry, you can estimate penis size from appearance? How? 😭😂

You definately can. Now I can count my number of partners on my fingers still so not a huge sample I guess. However I am pretty sure penis size/girth follows the same as their fingers.

Short, wide fingers - short, wide penis.

Long, thin fingers - long , thin penis (to be avoided if possible)

Long normal width fingers - long, good girth penis

Also look at their overall build. If they are broad shouldered / solid build/stocky then penis girth is normally good.
If they are skinny all over then penis size seems to be very lacking in girth as well.

EverybodyLTB · 20/12/2025 11:16

Religious, can’t talk openly, inadequate, fat stomach, small penis…. I think a part of me just died inside 🥹

BabyHairs · 20/12/2025 11:17

KnittyNell · 20/12/2025 11:10

Yes there is actually.

Please read my other replies regarding my thoughts on that stance. Have a nice day.

BauhausOfEliott · 20/12/2025 11:18

If he doesn’t know what he’s doing and is too uptight about sex to talk about it, he could have washboard abs and a big cock and he’d still be crap in bed.

I couldn’t have a relationship with someone who couldn’t talk about sex.

ShawnaMacallister · 20/12/2025 11:21

ILoveFilmsFromTheEighties · 20/12/2025 11:15

You definately can. Now I can count my number of partners on my fingers still so not a huge sample I guess. However I am pretty sure penis size/girth follows the same as their fingers.

Short, wide fingers - short, wide penis.

Long, thin fingers - long , thin penis (to be avoided if possible)

Long normal width fingers - long, good girth penis

Also look at their overall build. If they are broad shouldered / solid build/stocky then penis girth is normally good.
If they are skinny all over then penis size seems to be very lacking in girth as well.

As someone with a number that would probably raise your eyebrows I can tell you this is categorically nonsense

RedToothBrush · 20/12/2025 11:22

ILoveFilmsFromTheEighties · 20/12/2025 11:15

You definately can. Now I can count my number of partners on my fingers still so not a huge sample I guess. However I am pretty sure penis size/girth follows the same as their fingers.

Short, wide fingers - short, wide penis.

Long, thin fingers - long , thin penis (to be avoided if possible)

Long normal width fingers - long, good girth penis

Also look at their overall build. If they are broad shouldered / solid build/stocky then penis girth is normally good.
If they are skinny all over then penis size seems to be very lacking in girth as well.

You've studied this wwwwaaayyy too much!

Also. How the fuck am I going to look at my male friends again?!

YourWinter · 20/12/2025 11:26

Ugh, no, this wont improve OP.

Bad sex is a lot worse than no sex.

nocomingbackfromthis · 20/12/2025 11:27

He’s not going to be guided into being a better lover at his big age, nor is he going to be deprogrammed of all the religious hang up/misogyny shit.
Disappointed if you don’t climax from mere dick insertion and weird about sex toys don’t make for a man who is going to have reasonable expectations or be willing to change. You’re going to end up feeling frustrated, shamed and resentful so the choice is to leave him or accept his current…methods.

OneFineDay22 · 20/12/2025 11:37

I think everyone is overlooking the lesbian wife which I think is totally relevant. He spent years with a woman who had no interest in teaching him what women like. They might have barely had sex, and she just wanted to get it over with asap because she wasn’t going to enjoy it anyway.

Now he’s older and put on weight, he’s trying again and being told he’s physically lacking - that’s not something he can change. Of course his self esteem is in the gutter.

Of course there are things a small man can do to improve things, but he’s never been in the position of a woman telling him what those things are.

OP if you’re interested in this going forward I would tell him to forget his ex and everything he thought he knew about sex. You’re a new woman with different preferences and you have to learn and communicate together or your relationship won’t work.

The other issues (his religious… hangups?) might affect how successfully you can both manage to communicate but if it doesn’t work, then move on.