Bad sex. New relationship. Small penis

[Ohblimey2025]

I've met a very nice man who ticks all the boxes, but is absolutely dreadful in bed. I don't think it helps that his penis isn't very big and he also has a bit of a tummy.
He's only slept with a couple of women (we are in our 50s) and literally has no clue! He's very religious (I'm not), so finds it hard to talk about sex. I've had to fake it every time we've had sex as he's so disappointed with himself if I don't cum.
Can old dogs be taught new tricks? I've even intoduced toys but don't enjoy them as he thinks it's a failure on his behalf.
I've had a full filling sex life with other men over the years so I'm sort of astounded that someone can be still be this bad in their 50s.
Constructive and gentle feedback only please.

Yeah, I've done that. It happens. I still didn't get the impression the the OP found him egotistical. Or at least she didn't highlight directly. The thrust of the thread is the lack of quality of sex. The main problem isn't his ego, it's the fact he won't talk about it and how it affects their relationship. You can't solve a problem without talking. That would be more problematic going forward.

@soupyspoonim with @BabyHairs. Why do some women feel the need to cheerlead for faceless men? In a world still ruled by men, with VAWG rising and other forms of misogyny rife, what makes someone think "oh I better pour in my two cents about the poor menz"

He will be blaming the fact that she was gay for her lack of orgasm, not his lack of technique. The size of his penis wouldn’t matter if he was bothering to learn what you want.

If he’s open to trying things then you need to decide if you’re willing to wait for him to put the effort into learning. It may be that his religious hang-ups are going to get in the way of that more than his tummy does.

His wife never orgasmed, lesbian or not that’s a pretty clear signal that he is actually not open to trying new things.

i would say: don’t fake it. He needs to be able to handle the truth. You say: to make me come you need to ..:and then spell it out. He needs to dump the ego and get humble. Or you’ll have to dump him surely ?

I'm not sure how you don't see how it's egotistical to prioritise his own upset over any wish to try and please his sexual partner.

What have you got to lose? Explain you love him but your sex life needs to improve for you to want to commit to the relationship. Tell him he needs to engage in conversation about it, be open to feedback and try new things. Be frank. If nothing improves after a couple of months or he’s not willing to engage, split up. If he’s great in other respects you may as well give him a chance.

He can only be taught new tricks if he's willing to discuss sex with you - which it seems he can't! First mistake you made is to fake it - from his point of view why would he need to change anything if he can make you orgasm?
My DH isn't the biggest in the world, but when we first met (20 years ago), after a pretty shite first time, he made it his mission to make me orgasm every time after that and asked me to tell him what to do, what I like etc. 20 years later, I have never climaxed through penetration, but he ensures I am taken care of orally or through digital stimulation and our sex life is great!
Fuck his ego - if he can't have these conversations with you, then throw this one back!

I couldnt care less who you're with. OP has asked for advice about a man she clearly cares about and wants to progress with on a subject that the vast majority of people can have issues with, its not particularly unusual

All she is met with is name calling of the partner she cares about, put downs about his body etc

A poster said there would be uproar if it was about a woman and I agreed, then the inevitable denial about there being uproar. Quite rightly there would be uproar

No need for 'cheearleading' (what an immature concept anyway), or hositility or being combatitve, OP just wanted advice and guidance about how to make something work.

That combo hasn’t been mentioned here . And there are solutions available for such problems. There isn’t much can be done about a small penis it’s outside his control and hers.

I see it all the time and it makes me roll my eyes into the back of my head. My sweet husband and male friends are the first to back me up when I criticise men, so why do random women care so much?

My theory is it’s something to do with being a mother of sons a lot of the time. They take it as an insult against their poor little boys (25 year old men) rather than looking at their issues objectively and making sure to raise them better.

Sadly this is unlikely to work out for you.
The tummy I could get past as we all change with age. But the lack of communication, imagination, effort, technique and basically no bedroom skills will make for a very unfulfilled relationship. If sex is important to you then you need to find someone who is a better match.

I would say if sex is important for you then, sadly, this guy is not for you. If it was just one issue, you could have sorted it out/ adjusted: I had a relationship with someone who was on the smaller side but very enthusiastic and adventurous - we had a good sex life. Also been with someone who was well endowed but rubbish in terms of technique - that was more problematic but also was ok after a while. I can't imagine being with someone who is small, bad in bed and on top of this does not want to talk about it. What's the point?? Its not going to get better.

Its obvious the OP cares about this guy and wants things to progress with him. She's looking for advice to see how that can happen between them. All a lot of people have done is undermine that process through name-calling and making presumptions about a guy they don't know.

Obviously you should not be faking it but I do wonder- why aren’t you just doing to him the things you like in bed? I mean, it’s not just up to him what the two of you do! If you like oral, then give him some and say ‘now your turn’ etc. If you like manual, then get some lube & do it to him, etc. Don’t just let him jab away inside you as soon as you’ve taken your clothes off! Work on the basis you’re going to be having fun together for at least 30 minutes before penetration.

You don’t need to have long discussions about it (or any discussion in fact) - just try doing whatever you like.

I think sex is vital for a relationship and that if it doesn’t work that is curtains - but I do wonder if maybe you’re expecting him to take the lead in a way that given his lack of experience he is not able to do quite yet.

Small penis- doesn’t really matter. Some men with whoppers are crap in bed. Ouch!

Tummy - yes, health issue and important in your 50s. But how to tactfully encourage someone to be healthy is a different (& maybe more difficult) matter.

@BabyHairsi think you have something there. My partner (the sweetest most loving, selfless man I've ever met) is the first to criticise and apologise on behalf of male kind. I don't understand the NAMALT / how dare you criticise an anonymous man who will never see this brigade. Just why?

He’s not right for you.

I've had sex with men with small penises and still had a great time. I've had sex with men who were pretty average at sex but with a big penis and still had a great time. Let's not pretend that a big dick can't make up for a multitude of sins but if you're a man with a small penis you do need to work harder to be a good lay. That's not a bad thing.

Imagine the comments to this type of post if it was a woman you were talking about?

Saggy breasts - yuk
Slack vagina - yuk etc etc

The double standards that we see applied on Mumsnet really are something!

Why bother?!?

He is bad in bed, has a gut and a tiny penis.

Could you make it fun and not threatening - book a weekend away and say you're just going to order room service and stay in bed and play? I think removing any shame. And poor bloke with a lesbian wife what chance did he have?

If he was actually trying to improve then fair enough. But you're not helping things by faking it.

It's pathetic that he says he'd be disappointed if you don't cum, while having no idea how to encourage that to actually happen.

You do need proper dialogue about it and physically guide him to do things you like. If that doesn't work after a few times I'd say you're not compatible.

He got offended when she suggested sex toys - literally because of his ego.

OP asked for constructive and gentle feedback. I was trying to help her. He sounds like a nice man and she said he ticks all her boxes. Personally I think I’d rather work on sex with someone kind, than be treated like shit in a relationship by a dick head who is good in bed.

Don’t forget saggy boobs!

The overly religious part would be the biggest turn off anyway, never mind anything else.

The point is men do exactly that, on every platform, every day. There isn’t uproar, it’s jokes and memes and ‘lad culture’. On the darker side it’s the manosphere crowd that think we are subhuman because of our gender.

So no, nobody should be crying about men having the same energy sent back to them. It’s about time imo.