Bad sex. New relationship. Small penis

[Ohblimey2025]

I've met a very nice man who ticks all the boxes, but is absolutely dreadful in bed. I don't think it helps that his penis isn't very big and he also has a bit of a tummy.
He's only slept with a couple of women (we are in our 50s) and literally has no clue! He's very religious (I'm not), so finds it hard to talk about sex. I've had to fake it every time we've had sex as he's so disappointed with himself if I don't cum.
Can old dogs be taught new tricks? I've even intoduced toys but don't enjoy them as he thinks it's a failure on his behalf.
I've had a full filling sex life with other men over the years so I'm sort of astounded that someone can be still be this bad in their 50s.
Constructive and gentle feedback only please.

I'm not sure there would be uproar

The combo of men finding it harder to have an erection and women having less tight vaginas is a fairly common combo to have to deal with in later middle age and beyond, it's not like people don't talk about it

100% this!

In your 50’s why are you wasting time in a relationship with shit sex?

You’re too old to haven’t train a man and too young to settle,

Personally I’d rather have no sec than bad sex.

Hes not the one

He's in his 50s, inexperienced, religious and over sensitive. How do you think you can help him improve? It seems highly unlikely. Life's too short.

Well if you swap the sexes around and use different parts of the body as descriptors about dumping that woman, shes rubbish in bed, hung up about all sorts of stuff, she's overweight, I cant teach her to be better in bed/you should teach her how to be better in bed, vagina too loose or not loose enough etc etc, it would be one of those threads on those women hater sites that people like to talk about on here.

There would definitely be uproar and frequently is.

Theres another thread here frothing at the mouth because some bloke dared say he's not into British women, in a conversation with his sister.

Suddenly he's misogynistic, its a fetish etc etc.

I think it is the religious and won't communicate that would be a deal breaker for me. Unless of course you share a faith.

Christ no.

Also, now I’m in my 40s, I never fake orgasms. I want men to know exactly how they’ve disappointed me!

A smaller chap doesn’t always mean a shit lover but this guy obviously isn’t receptive to learning or bringing you joy and pleasure.

My daughters have been brought up to know that women aren’t rehabilitation centres for men (a lesson I had to teach myself as a former people pleaser) so I wouldn’t take him on as a ‘project’.

Throw him back, you’re worth so much more

The problem for me is that you’re faking it. Why? Why do you already feel that you must compromise to protect his feelings? Expect more. Think about what he is offering you more than what you can do for him.
I’m single and love it and the ONLY thing I miss is sex, as I find females are better company. So if the sex wasn’t good, and no hope of it ever being, there would be zero value of being in a relationship.

I miss the laugh react button 😭 Completely agree though, red flags everywhere.

I maybe disagree with some of these comments. I don't think in your 50s there's no room for change or growth and in some parts of the country almost everyone had some kind of at least culturally religious upbringing which does impact thinking.

For me the make or break would be he openness to discussion and change. Even the most aware, progressive and secure man would balk at being told he was bad at sex and you'd been faking (I would if someone told me that).

I would approach it as you love spending time with him, your interests align, you find his passion for miniature ceramic goldfish really interesting but you're feeling a disconnect in the intimacy. You see a future with him so it's something you want to work at together. Everyone's different and it's about finding what you both like. Then you have to commit to radical transparency and not sugarcoat things or fake. If there's money for a sex therapist do that, if not there are actually lots of guides online about how to help people connect in the bedroom.

If he's open to that and commits then he's really a keeper as a willingness to learn, openness to feedback and ability to put your needs above his pride are incredible qualities. If he shutsdown, refuses to participate or tries to put you down because of your sexual desires then you can leave breathing a sigh of relief of bullet dodged.

Is there really any need to get on here as the defender of men? Like?

You’re yuk!

Unfortunately I have experienced this in the past also and couldn't get over it.
It's a shame because it's obviously not his fault. The relationship would never have worked for me because of it. I probably would have ended up cheating.

Don't fake it ever again. Stop protecting his pathetic ego to your own detriment. If you really like him, give him very clear feedback and guidance and see if he improves. But I wouldn't bother. He won't change. He's crap at sex and all he's worried about is his own disappointment.

Sorry if you find pointing out hypocrisy uncomfortable

Im more keen to see people as human, of both sexes rather than treating as some sort of one dimensional thing

OP asked for gentle and constructive advice, only one post can I see offers that. She clearly values him, yet people are objectifying him, calling things about him 'yuk', talking about him like he's a piece of shit

Nice advice.

Where did you pick up that he was egotistical? She opened up the thread that he was 'a very nice man' who ticked all the boxes; apart from the sex thing.

He's bad at something that matters to you, he's not open to talking about it, and his body gives you the ick - he doesn't tick all the boxes!

Nah the penis thing will now become your problem as well as his. Run to the hills.

There’s also such a false equivalence comparing men to women re this.

Women’s bodies go through so much shit: childbirth, birth injury, breastfeeding changes, hormonal, menopause, societal pressures that are internalised through misogyny and the fact that women are more likely to be the active parent so are more often less time and responsibility free to exercise and put themselves first etc.

Men don’t have this. It’s like comparing a land rover that’s used as a working vehicle everyday to a rarely driven runaround shiny car and being puzzled why there’s mud/dents/more signs of ‘use’ on the first.

Here:

"I've had to fake it every time we've had sex as he's so disappointed with himself if I don't cum."

What exactly is he doing wrong?

In my experience the only truly surmountable issues are selfishness or lack of enthusiasm.

Everything else can be taught / improved.

You say he’s clueless so maybe just very inexperienced and needs taught some skills and what you like. Take it very slow, mutual touching and take it from there.

The religious thing though might be too much of an issue, if he has some kind of shame or mental block.

Well, you don’t HAVE to fake it. That’s on you and pandering to male egos. The last thing you should be doing is faking it, how else will he figure out he’s, frankly, rather rubbish? If he’s unwilling to talk about it, chuck him back. I’d be inclined to chuck him back anyway, he doesn’t sound amazing, all things considered anyway.

For more context, he was married for a very long time. His wife never orgasmed in 23 years. She then disclosed she was a lesbian and always had been. Both married very young with no sex before marriage and had people high up in the church as parents.
He is open to trying things but just "doesn't get it".
He's very loving and super in other respects. I'm just used to swinging from the chandeliers and talking dirty!

The fact you’re asking suggests that this isn’t really going to work. He might get a bit better in bed (only if you stop faking though!) but the rest isn’t going to change and it matters to you or you wouldn’t have asked.

Damn I guess it’s a man getting a taste of what it’s like to be a woman. Boo hoo.

Men get online objectifying and criticising women all the time, and actually doing far worse, so I’m not going to feel sorry about it.