If you know an adult who has struggled to make friends, what, honestly, do you think is the reason?

[Seasaltchips]

Really struggled to build a social life as an adult (I’m mid 40s)

I have a couple of friends who are people I have known since school. Should I ask them why I’ve struggled?

Do you know anyone who has struggled to make friends as an adult? And do you know/or suspect you know the reason?

I’m outwardly outgoing (without being OTT) and make an effort but I just never succeed.

What happens when you try to make friends?

I know a handful of adults who are unable to express feelings and find it hard to make friends because they are hard to understand and get to know. I think you can get away with this if you have a GSOH because that is ia way to connect but hard to connect without either humour or sincerity.

I have no friends - I have family, neighbours, colleagues and acquaintances but no friends. I’m autistic - I just can’t seem to work out how to maintain a friendship. I’ve tried lots of things and always am polite and smile and ask them about themselves but people don’t seek me out. The last time I had true friends was at secondary school but they didn’t persist post school even though I tried.

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About people I know?
Give up really quickly. I had a friend who tried to make friends on an app and went to one catch up and never did again. Have to keep trying, keep listening, understand what they like and keep meeting up even if things are not perfect/they annoy you/you have to make more effort sometimes. Obviously you have a limit but if youre really nice and meet up with people I dont see why they wouldnt like you!

Also people who talk constantly and moan constantly.

Do you seek them out? How often?

People who have nothing to talk about because they have no hobbies or interests or talk about themselves without listening or showing any interest in others. People who are overly intense , or who don’t show much warmth or engagement or don’t reveal anything about themselves.

What happens when you try to make friends

Example 1 - joined a hobby related group 2020 (when Covid restrictions relaxed a bit). Felt I had found my tribe so to speak. Really made an effort, but it was hard to be as involved as others as I work and have a child (a lot of the other women don’t work / work very part time / don’t have kids / have adult kids).
The rest of the group have bonded more and more, while I felt more and more distant.

They’ve now all taken up a second hobby (which ironically would be much easier for me to get involved in as it’s based closer to my house and is less time consuming) but I’ve simply not been added to that WhatsApp group or invited to that hobby. I’ve just found out they’ve all booked a holiday for summer 2026 and I’ve not been invited. Just accepted I’m no longer one of the gang. It hurts.

I’m close-ish friends with one of the women in the group (or at least I thought I was, but am now full of doubt), and there’s a couple more women in the group I see every 3 weeks or so.

Example 2 - DC started school, been chatty and friendly on WhatsApp group, attended mums’ nights out, invited people for play dates etc.

Play dates occasionally but rarely returned, never been invited for coffee etc by another mum.

Recently saw on Instagram a group of the mums out to celebrate a mum’s 40th, I wasn’t invited. Everyone seems to have made one-on-one or small group friendships and I’m left with no-one despite my efforts.

Autistic, self absorbed or judgemental people struggle with this.

Seek people out? Yes of course, I work in a huge company and go into the office 3 days a week. I go dancing a few times a week - lots of people. I smile, I say hello, ask how they are and do my best with conversation. I go to dance weekends too. People are nice but it never translates to anything else.

its difficult to explain but I do try!

Do you say ‘do you want to catch up?’ And then make arrangements? Im sorry it’s difficult.

I say this op, but I also struggle with making new friends. But I know I get awkward, struggle over my words and ‘bow out’. But that’s anyone new. I still have my school and uni friends. And the odd mum friend who is similar? I never managed to make work friends though but I also hated mixing work and friendship as couldn’t do it.

Making and maintaining friendships seems to me to be a skill, that can be learned. I’d highly recommend Mel Robbin’s book “Let Them” and in particular the chapter about the Scattering that lots of us experience when what holds the early friendships together - school, college, uni, falls away. I think most people are lucky to have half a dozen close friends at most - it’s very common to have to start again with friendships in mid life. I also found this book very helpful in terms of
not taking things to heart if I am left out of invites (which I often still am). I re-read it often and try to move on quickly (“Let me” part of the book.

I have found a hobby I love and met friends through that, but it’s a bit like learning the rules of dating, and it’s scary at first. Find something you enjoy, genuinely enjoy, and people that have the same special interest (especially if you are autistic) are much more likely to be friend material.

The rules of adult friendships seem fairly similar to dating too - mutual respect, give and take, genuinely liking the other person, wanting to spend time with them. I have had to learn a lot of this myself, but once learned I can see how my natural bluntness, my disinterest in small talk, etc have got in the way of lasting friendships in the past. So now I make a conscious effort to stay on contact with my friends, and talk to them regularly, make plans and remember what they have going on, etc etc. This didn’t come naturally to me so I’ve just had to learn it. Good luck @Seasaltchips

I also get notbing with other mums.
It’s hard!

My sister struggles with this. She meets someone that she gets on with and has a good time with but a few months later it fizzles out because she expects absolute perfection from her friends. They need to put her first and never, ever display any qualities or traits she doesn't share. The moment they don't meet her expectations or display an imperfection she 'dumps' them. It's very intense. Sometimes she is so needy they dump her first.

She has expressed envy of my very active social circle but she doesn't understand that maintaining friendships over long previous of time means a lot of effort, tolerance and compromise. Just like maintaining a marriage really.

I don’t know anything about you op, but The people I know who don’t have friends are those that talk at you really dull minutiae about their life. It baffles me how someone I’m not friends with can say things to me like ‘so I’m working 9-3 today and then on Thursday I’ve got 10-4 shift etc etc’ and think I might be interested in that.

Sounds similar to my experiences OP. I was only diagnosed as autistic last year, so I attribute my difficulties to that. They certainly asked me a lot about friendships and relationships in the assessment.

You see, I listen, ask people about themselves, and remember stuff.

I contact people regularly (but not constantly!)

I open up / am able to show vulnerability, but without being too needy/miserable

I don’t feel like I moan too much and am generally pretty upbeat

I have hobbies / interests

I think as an adult the hardest thing can be that people often already have their friends and it can be hard to break into their established groups - and they often don't feel they need more friends, adding new people to a group of friends can also be risky and takes effort.

Sometimes other people just click more, I've had that happen to me and it's not nice when you're edged out. I've had several times when I've had no friends, times when I've had loads of friends, times when I've just had one best friend for a number of years. But I've learned to accept that most people eventually move away and/or move on.

Quite random, but I had a good friend I really liked a long time ago. I knew her for years but she never shared anything personal. I didn’t know anything about her inner life or her past really. We talked about our children mostly. When I moved I didn’t keep in touch for long as a result.

Usually it's down to neurodivergence - autism/ADHD.

I have lots of friends, both close ones and more occasional ones. I make quite a lot of effort as a friend but find people who never reciprocate/express any interest in my life get draining after a while and I stop making an effort. IME people who are more self—absorbed are harder to be friends with.

People like this are so so hard and you find yourself declaring more and more outrageous secrets about yourself in an effort to get them to respond with something!

You sound like you’d make a great friend! Maybe you just haven’t found the right people yet

Self absorbed people, boring people, people who fuss, people who talk too much, people who are needy/intense/inconsistent/unreliable/thoughtless/selfish. People who gaslight or tell lies. People who moan or bitch too much, people who are excessively negative or superficial