If you know an adult who has struggled to make friends, what, honestly, do you think is the reason?

[Seasaltchips]

Really struggled to build a social life as an adult (I’m mid 40s)

I have a couple of friends who are people I have known since school. Should I ask them why I’ve struggled?

Do you know anyone who has struggled to make friends as an adult? And do you know/or suspect you know the reason?

I’m outwardly outgoing (without being OTT) and make an effort but I just never succeed.

I am also like this but struggle with the maintenance. I only have so much of it to give and then I get bored and awkward and it all goes Pete Tong! It's kind of like a chase and when I've got whatever it is I'm running after I haven't the energy or the inclination to maintain it. I sound like a horrible person I know 🥲

Two things — firstly, people-pleasers who often unconsciously operate on the basis of trading favours and services for friendship, and seethe with resentment when it doesn’t buy them what they want, often because they often don’t even like or respect the people they do favours for, and their people-pleasing means they don’t relate authentically to other people, just dash around doing things for them and complaining when they don’t get invited to things.

Secondly, probably relatedly, people who think that all they need to do to make friends is to ‘be nice’, and who are baffled by people they see as ‘less nice’ who make and keep friends. These people see other people as a generic, undifferentiated mass, not as individuals with differing tastes and priorities in friendships.

I have no friends. I lost a lot along the way, due to misunderstandings, that I wasn't prepared to discuss.
If I never had a friend again. I'd be happier.

I’m the same OP. I really try to be friends with people (not too hard of course), but always end up on the edge of groups. I cried talking to my DH about it a few days ago because I don’t know what I do wrong but I must do something because it always happens. I’ve tried joining groups and could join a couple more but can’t face thinking I’m friends with them only to find out I’m not again.
This thread is interesting though because I have friends with all the bad traits listed here who have loads of friends around.
I wish someone would be honest and tell me what I do that’s off putting.

Two -

One struggles to make friends, it took me 4 years of knowing her casually at events to become actual friends with her. But now she is my best mate. Why does she struggle? She’s quite blunt, sarcastic and can sometimes come across as rude or moody/judgy. She’s also quite intense. Now I know all of this is just anxiousness and a desire for honesty. She can also be a bit annoying and clings to one person during events which people don’t always want! She seem to not have a natural charm to her so people immediately take a dislike to her. She is very loyal, steadfast, trustworthy and helpful/charitable/generous when you get to know her (but still too honest).

The other one finds it easy to make friends but cannot keep them. She is beautiful, funny, charming and loving. She is also dramatic, intense and selfish at times. She thinks she will help people in their time of need… but only if she wants to at that time and sometimes she can’t be arsed. She is also AuDHD but late diagnosed and always thinks she’s reading social situations perfectly when actually she’s coming across as a dramatic and nasty bitch. So people fall out with her and the cycle continues

Yes I had a friend like this.

She was outgoing, extroverted and made friends easily but couldn’t keep them. Most of her family also gave her a wide berth and she couldn’t hold a job down. But she could be unbelievably nasty. She was jobless and spent a lot of time online, that sometimes when she spoke she sounded like she’d swallowed a therapy textbook. Always going on about how people needed to “take accountability” and “respect her boundaries” because she needed to put herself first but she always expected everyone else to put her first too. Never apologised for anything or made any effort to change any situation she didn’t like. Wouldn’t accept any imperfection in a friend. What she expected was more like what you might expect from a romantic relationship- when we stopped being friends, more than one person asked me if we had ever been more than that, and in fact a different friend told me it sounded like I was in a controlling relationship!

You might have just been unlucky. I have tried quite a few hobbies and activities over the years. The majority were just not fertile ground for friendships. If I try to think what the more friendship fruitful things have in common, possibly when you're working on something as a group (e.g. sports team, am dram) a critical mass of people who want to go for a drink after activity, also a decent proportion of oddballs so we're all tolerant.

Don't give up! It used to be DH would have a weekend away with the lads and encourage me to do similar but I didn't have mates to do a thing with. These days I have to be selective or I'd go for a month or two and never have a weekend at home.

I've been asking myself this quite a lot in the last couple of years and I think it is because I am likely somewhere on the autism spectrum, and the people I gravitate towards and who gravitate towards me, tend to have the same sort of 'quirks' - we are kind, considerate, thoughtful, but prone to keep our own counsel and company for long stretches, which can be a killer for a new friendship.
Also, a lot of the situations I find myself in with new people nowadays it is like we're all there for a reason (kid's parties with my daughter, work events, ParkRun) and the connection is very surface level.
I have made a couple of great friends over the last few years, but more often than not, they drift or I drift and then it fizzles out.

Considering your friendships with the women in the group I feel like you just need to elbow your way in to this second hobby activity. Who knows what happened? Maybe one person, with influence, has taken against you, or maybe you weren’t there the day they discussed it. But considering how often you see some of them. It seems you are welcome. Just risk it!

making friends as an adult is hard. Mainly because we become less brave I think. I always had loads of friends in school and then in uni. Since then I have picked up a handful. I have lots of acquaintances but all my “help me bury a body in the middle of the night” people are my very old friends.

I found it most difficult to make friends when l tried too hard. When l gave up and didn't give a dam any more l made friends. I decided not to care too much so if l wanted to do something like coffee, a walk l just messaged someone. I didn't care if they never messaged me. I just did what suited myself. I realised l had been too nice! I didnt care about best friend etc..just enjoyed the people there whoever they were.
I took up a hobby..not for friends just for exercise and suddenly l have loads of friends. They are messaging me, booking games with me, inviting me to stuff etc. I am enjoying it but not thinking..even overthinking it..just going along if it suits me. I feel l wont go back to my old ways as this makes me feel more confident .

-Doesn't truly trust others
-Has an insufferably arrogant husband, so you don't want to get too close or go to her house in case you have to spend time with him
-Describes herself as being closer to men than women and all that cool girl stuff
-Competitive

@Seasaltchips you sound great. Keep trying. I'd be your although I suspect am a lot older.
See what else is available nearby.

Do you have a library or community centre? Book clubs etc can be good for meeting people.

I struggle because I am shy and don’t know think people want to be friends, stems from issues when I was young especially university aged

I found it most difficult to make friends when l tried too hard. When l gave up and didn't give a dam any more l made friends

I think this can be true.
When you have plenty of friends, you are more relaxed and don't come across as needy, so come across as a person that would be nice to get to know which means others enjoy your company and want to get to know you and spend more time with you.
When you are 'trying' to make friends (rather than doing your hobby / activity because you want to enjoy that activity), it can come across as needy, and even, on occasion as a bit desperate, which is very off putting, as it suggests that someone who is desperate to make friends is someone who has no friends which naturally makes you wonder why.

It is a bit of a cycle which I can imagine can be difficult to break out of.

Are you happy with where you are in life OP? Do you like where you live? work? relationship? I think when we are inherently unhappy we aren't our true selves despite how much effort we put in to disguise that, and we aren't showing or able to show our authentic selves. I believe others pick up on this and it makes building genuine friendships impossibe.

I'm the same Op but I hardly go out.
Big introvert here that hates going out and I know thats on me.
Rather spend time at home with my SN teen partner and dog.
I talk to some mums at school pick up and some at the dog park but thats about it and thats all I can for my social battery and outing battery 😄 i would spend months or years at home if life allowed so that doesn't help me.
And I have absolutely no idea how to help people like you sorry OP probably not much help but your not alone.

Based on these examples I'd say you need to be a bit more proactive.

They're your friends...just ask to be added to the new WhatsApp group, express an interest in joing this hobby, speak up.

It sounds like you felt distant and so behaved as if you were distant.

The same with the school Mum's. Have you ever invited any of them for coffee? Or are you waiting to be invited? Have you had a birthday party and invited them? Have you organised a night out? You need to be proactive.

Not necessarily, I think friendship making is a skill and can be learned. It isn't just ND people that have this happen.

I have ADHD and I have friends. I really care for them so I make effort to keep my friends and they do the same with me.

Saying that, maybe I learned how to do friendships as I grew older. I'm naturally bubbly (if comfortable) and I'm great at faking it until I make it (social anxiety and masking, I'm not being fake I'm just exuding confidence until I feel it) I love to laugh and talk with friends. I have made some lovely and genuine friendships.

I found the way to have genuine friends, is to see if their actions match their words. That's how I know they are the kind of person that I want to keep around.

I don't like me, me, me people or people that are elevenerife if you've been to tenerife.

I like genuine and flowing conversation. People that reciprocate what I give out. I have found myself in very unbalanced friendships when I was younger so I only go for genuine connections now.

This is the part I find difficult. How do you know when you’re at the point of asking someone to go for coffee? I worry they’ll say no and think I’m weird for asking!! (I’m thinking of school mums who I have met up with for a couple of play dates and have got on well with)

That’s very true in my experience.

You just need to go for it. Failure is an inevitable step on the way to success. Sometimes it won't work out. Sometimes it will.

But think about how many posts there are here about it being so hard to make friends as an adult/I don't have any friends/I can't make friends etc etc etc. Bloody loads.

And how many are there where the OP bemoans being invited out for a coffee by another Mum. Zero.

The odds are in your favour.

People who bitch about other people or who are indiscreet really put me off big time. I knowthey can’t be trusted to keep their mouths shut about anything I tell them and will bitch about me to someone else.

It doesn’t matter if they say no. Nothing ventured nothing gained.

Ah, your reply felt like therapy. I was bullied as a child and while I thought it was not something that really affects me now, I do tend to be quite unforgiving about any red flags in friendships or relationships eg teasing about an aspect of appearance or character. A protective mechanism perhaps. Thank you!

Haven’t found the right tribe
dont socialise
are awkward
negative/off vibes
Don’t invest
too intense to quick
dont pick up on social cues
Negative social experiences can make them feel paranoid
poor mental and/or physical health
low self esteem