If you know an adult who has struggled to make friends, what, honestly, do you think is the reason?

[Seasaltchips]

Really struggled to build a social life as an adult (I’m mid 40s)

I have a couple of friends who are people I have known since school. Should I ask them why I’ve struggled?

Do you know anyone who has struggled to make friends as an adult? And do you know/or suspect you know the reason?

I’m outwardly outgoing (without being OTT) and make an effort but I just never succeed.

@Seasaltchips i find it pretty easy to make friends but I’d say it’s a skill. I have my wits about me as in who would make my life better/happier if I knew them and then I invest in that. You share stuff with them, ask questions but again it’s give and take, and needs to feel natural. I always try and see them outside work or school gates so you see what people are really like. I drop those who make life harder eg don’t share anything or if there is even a hint of jealousy. And I believe in female friendships/building a village as I’ve been a working single parent for a long time. I think in your situation, you haven’t found your tribe and maybe need to invest more in one to ones than big groups. I can only speak for some of the school gate mums and those without friends seem to be awkward or ND, too strict with rules, or just too many barriers up so you feel like they would be hard work.

I think today’s world is incredibly demanding generally for everyone. There is so much pressure, so little time. Everything costs so much so meeting for a coffee etc is harder. Work is so draining. Grandparents are often childminding . Everyone is pushed to their limits so time and energy is conserved for those who are closest to us.Also everyone is desperate for some peace and quiet which seems increasingly hard to find. Noise, over stimulation, to do lists, bad news . It’s doing our heads in . Building friendships takes time and effort and empathy. Sometimes those things are hard when people are at breaking point.

Do you feel lonely though? Or do you not mind?

Like does the effort of being too much negate the loneliness or does it not bother you so much?
Just wondering, you don't have to answer of course.

I think I'd be okay with no friends, like I mean I'd survive but I actually enjoy meeting my friends and I always feel better after seeing them. So I don't wish to lose them really.

I don't think there is anything wrong though in being proactive about approaching groups to make friends.

I dont think people mean anyone will do but sometimes people don't have the natural circumstances to meet people so they go where there is a higher chance of meeting someone.

If you want your life to change then people are often encouraged on here to go do something different like hobbies and such.

Sounds like you've been around the wrong people unfortunately.

I think it’s just the fact that people have busy lives, and by this age, most people have enough friends. I’m very selective with my friends, and only really maintain friendships with people that I really click with. Otherwise, it’s just time consuming, and I would rather have that time to myself. Quality over quantity.

Maybe you just haven’t yet met the right people yet. It’s a bit like dating in that way! In fact, I’m sure I’ve seen that some dating websites (maybe Bumble?) also have a friendship version for people looking for friends. I’ve not used it personally, so no idea what it’s like.

I have a newish friend who is AuDHD, with BPD, and she approaches me at an small event I went to around 18mths ago, she’s younger than me at 31.

anyway, she basically decided she liked me, and asked to meet for an early morning walk and coffee on a Friday morning, then when that went well asked that we do it every week, she said it takes (I think) 90hours of quality time together to solidify a friendship, she was working on herself and had done lots of therapy to deal with past trauma from childhood, and now putting into practice all the things she had learned.

I struggle to make friends, and live in another country to my family, also now know that. Lot of my friendship struggle were due to undiagnosed autism, RSD, and ADHD. Which now I understand myself and why I find some aspects of relationships challenging actually makes them easier.

i would start with some real self reflection, I like to do this using the Freeform app on my iphone with the post It notes, rather than journaling, I can just jot down an observation whenever they come up, and organise them into groups or similar themes.

i think if you are looking to change the situation, you need to look inward, and identify the problem, do you find meeting people in the beginning difficult, or is it maintaining the relationship, I try to imagine how I would feel if someone ended the coffee with a ‘I’ve really enjoyed this, can we do it again next week’ and it feels easier to ask.

A couple are autistic and struggle with building friendships. However there are ND I people in my friendship group too who are more skilled with building friendships.

People who complain endlessly or are nasty or use others. This is differebt to an existing friend going through a hard time or needing help.

Do you feel inadequate? Get yourself out there don't be over familiar by asking questions, listen and join in.

I do feel lonely sometimes or maybe more alienated because I can see other people are not like me? But the effort is truly not manageable.

For example I went to my work Christmas meal and i enjoyed it for a bit but it was hard and by the end I was disassociating. I really like my colleagues and loved the meal but the loud busy venue was difficult.

While occasionally I want company in my heart of hearts what I crave and enjoy is being alone.

Well, if you read Mn, a large number of middle-aged posters not only don’t have ‘enough friends’, but don’t have any friends.

I’m 53, have good friends, but always on the lookout for interesting people. I joined a choir about two months ago, and met lots of pleasant and interesting sorts, and one woman and I clicked and are going to meet for coffee in the NY.

I have a couple of friends who are unusually good at friendship.

I would say that, despite being two very different people, both of them, without at all being people-pleasers, will put themselves out for their friends. They’re not ‘default to sofa’ or ‘family only’ people, despite both being married with young/challenging children with additional needs, and in one case a husband recovering from cancer — one instigates or organises things, and will buy the tickets and suggest a drink first, or will go out in horrible weather to support a friend’s teenager’s band’s first gig, despite being on her way to do the Christmas food shop. The other is less extrovert and group-minded, but she prioritises her friends, and is very clear that they are important to her.

I think a low maintenance friend would suit you. Someone you can meet now and then but not someone who has to be in your pocket every day or message all the time.

Most of my friends are like that as we all have lives of course.

If you haven't tried them, loops are great for loud areas. I know they aren't for everyone but they have saved me being out so many times. I can't stand loud noise and that drains me more. I use my loops and I can hear the other person better whilst the background noise is reduced.

Thanks for answering.

Thank you @Isayitasitis
I will look for loops on the sales next week

and by this age, most people have enough friends

But there isn't a finite number of friends.

I’m very selective with my friends, and only really maintain friendships with people that I really click with. Otherwise, it’s just time consuming, and I would rather have that time to myself

Each of my friends adds something to my life. But friends are not generally hard work. They are people I like to spend time with.
Sometimes I don't see some friends for ages, but then, when we meet up, we just pick up where we left off.

I've got two (different) groups of friends from various past times in my life, that meet up once a year. It's not time consuming at all, but just great to catch up and keep that relationship with each other. We live all over the country (well, plus one that lives abroad) and just keep in touch by WhatsApp and e-mails for the rest of the year.
I do have other friends that I see weekly (or more often) but that isn't a pre-requisite for a friendship.

They have a little quiz to help you pick the right pair for you and they helpfully come with 4 sized ear plug covers to see which fit. Mine are clear and no one notices me wearing them :)

One makes no effort and never gets back to people

One is quite selfish I think

I think maybe you haven’t met the right people. I’ve tried a lot of things over the years and it’s only very recently I have clicked in a group. You have limited time. Don’t give up!!

@Bufftailed how did you meet the people you clicked with? Genuine question, I’ve decided to make a New Year’s resolution to try again with making new friends

I think the key is doing something you genuinely enjoy, and from which you would go home thinking ‘That was great’ even if you were guaranteed not to make a single friend from it. I didn’t join the choir to make friends, but because I really enjoy singing and find it exhilarating. But being in a good mood definitely made me feel friendlier and more open to chatting or hanging around for a drink afterwards.

I like fitness so started hanging out with some local people as we all went to parkrun. We already knew each other a bit, friends of friends, now we hang out regularly.

Joined a run club and it took a while of going consistently, but have got friendly with the people and we started doing things out of the club

My mum has made loads of friends in a new area in one year. Loads of clubs. She is very outgoing.

Seeing the same people regularly and consistently is key. Have tried quite a few things over the years, took a while …also need to be patient I think

For me, there is definitely a finite number of friends. You only have so much time and energy to invest in friendships. It’s different when you’re young, but at this age, most people work full time, have commitments, children, partners, aging parents, extended families etc. I have a number of friends who I’m very close to, but for me the focus is definitely on quality over quantity.

I enjoy spending time with my friends too, but that’s because they are people that I click with, it wouldn’t apply to just anybody.

I think that people who struggle to make friends are often quite needy in some way. This can be draining for other people, and unfortunately, often has the effect of pushing them away, which in turn, makes the person even more needy.

Yes of course you can have old friends that you only see once in a blue moon, but I don’t think that’s what OP is talking about. She’s wants to be invited out and to socialise with people.

I’m at my friend capacity now. I don’t want anymore, I want to put a lot of time and effort into the friends I have.

My DH is like this and from what I can tell he just doesn't make much effort with people or prioritise friendships. He's always got a few work mates, but he doesn't see them outside work unless it's a group after work drinks/dinner situation - he'd never suggest meeting anyone 1 to 1. And when they/he leave for a new job he won't follow them up with messages, suggestions to meet etc.. He's personable enough but has low social needs I think.

My DH is exactly the same
He loves seeing our couple friends ( my friends and their spouses tbf) and my sisters and our BILs. Also footy mates from going to the same games over the decades and meeting up at the ground never outside it and then going their separate ways -probably not even knowing each other surnames pre social media …
BUT if he never ever saw them again I think he’d be ok
So long as he has me his kids his career, nature travel and his beloved football team he’s not overly fussed.

I haven’t read the thread but it’s just basic courtesy and a skill that some possess and others don’t. It’s a life skill to be able to listen and to act interested even when you’re not. Honestly, there is nothing worse than being stuck with a moronic ‘talker’.

its so simple, all you have to do is draw breath and open your ears.

@BinLorries that's me too, always on the lookout for interesting people. Though I tend to only be like this with women, not sure why! For 2026, I feel u really want more male friends!