If you know an adult who has struggled to make friends, what, honestly, do you think is the reason?

[Seasaltchips]

Really struggled to build a social life as an adult (I’m mid 40s)

I have a couple of friends who are people I have known since school. Should I ask them why I’ve struggled?

Do you know anyone who has struggled to make friends as an adult? And do you know/or suspect you know the reason?

I’m outwardly outgoing (without being OTT) and make an effort but I just never succeed.

I generally connect it with being autistic...(my daughter is autistic as are other family members )

I find making friends easy even as an adult as its something I like doing.

You talk in your op about a particular group in 2020 ..it all sounds quite rigid snd like your expectations were very tied to thst working out. I think more flexible people dont take it personally and just move on if a situation doesnt work.

With other mums...are you driving the arrangements? My autistic daughter wants friends but in reality often does not want to be the one driving thr situation or doesnt understand how to move a friendship forward
...she also really struggles in group conversation or meet ups as feels left out

My DH is like this, if I’m honest, he’s 99% likely to be on the autistic spectrum - he also has a low social battery and can’t do small talk. Occasionally he says something in a way that might sound a bit odd too!

I also feel that in life, especially with ‘newer’ friends like mum friends, you only have to say the wrong thing once or twice for people to take a step backwards.

I generally haven’t had a problem with making friends throughout my life, but I had a really life altering experience at one time and was very poorly, in hospital for weeks and it had a profound effect on how some of my ‘mum friends’ treated me afterwards - it was some years ago now, but I found people supportive initially, but many gradually disappeared and I found myself gradually excluded- especially painful as I trusted them with some of my more raw emotions about my heath etc. after 2 or 3 years of feeling more lonely and isolated (and for other reasons too) we decided to relocate and I wanted to make a new Mum friends - It was exhausting at times, but I managed to - however, I learned from my past experience to be very careful who I shared anything too deeply personal with too quickly - I held back a lot
about my horrendous few years and health and rightly or wrongly, I still don’t always go that ‘deep’ with raw emotions etc.

I’ve learned that most people you meet in later life can’t cope / don’t want to deal with other people’s bad stuff!! So I tend to gloss over!

my advice in making friends has always been to smile, ask questions (but not intrusively), be consistent, avoid being bitchy about people, show a bit of vulnerability at times, laugh at yourself a lot! Don’t try and be too quick to try and force yourself on people - it takes time too.

i Also think that organising something - night out, birthday drinks, kids party, mum coffee etc is a great way to make friends and get to
know People - I did this a lot initially (first year or so) and still do arrange the odd things - it’s effort but it’s not just about making friends but fostering those friendships and keeping them going!

Don’t be disheartened- just organise something amd you will be back on peoples social radars in no time ❤️

You talk in your op about a particular group in 2020 ..it all sounds quite rigid snd like your expectations were very tied to thst working out. I think more flexible people dont take it personally and just move on if a situation doesnt work.

I agree with this.
Am fascinated how much store some posters on MN put in one single friendship, and how it distresses them when they become aware that that person, or those people actually have other people they are friendly with as well, and a social life that the poster isn't part of.

Bu ‘mum friends’ aren’t a separate category’. If they were, as you suggest, comparatively new friends, isn’t it possible that they were simply too newly established or still too superficial as friendships to cope with your severe ill health?

I honestly wouldn’t expect people who were comparatively newly in my life, or people I just saw periodically as a group and didn’t have strong individual connections with, to step up emotionally in the aftermath of me hospitalised for weeks. That’s for older, established close friendships.

I don’t think it’s got anything to do with ‘later in life’. I’ve made close friends in my late 40s and 50s, who’ve been incredibly supportive at a pinch. But I didn’t ask too much of anyone too soon. I think some judgement is needed.

Yes, it always blows my mind too. I can’t imagine feeling that entitled to exclusive access to someone’s entire social life.

I have a lot of friends - from all different places (school, college, work, mums, politics, local people).
I think I genuinely am a good friend - I have people I know, who I love dearly - but there is nothing worse than them ‘keeping score’ about what I do with others or if I forget to reply to a text. I really dislike when you bump into people and they say things like ‘last time I saw you we said we’d go for a drink- and then it didn’t happen’. My life is ‘I work in 3 different locations, often at short notice. I also have elected responsibilities and might have to chair something’. I cannot do anything about those things - if you want me to nail down a date 2 months in advance I just can’t. It doesn’t mean I don’t want to be your pal - I also don’t want verbally beating up about it. If you can’t understand that then we cannot be pals - as much as I like you (I know your time is really important to you and mine is no more important than yours - I do ask for a bit of grace though).

All the people I know who struggle to make friends are ND. Including me!