If you know an adult who has struggled to make friends, what, honestly, do you think is the reason?

[Seasaltchips]

Really struggled to build a social life as an adult (I’m mid 40s)

I have a couple of friends who are people I have known since school. Should I ask them why I’ve struggled?

Do you know anyone who has struggled to make friends as an adult? And do you know/or suspect you know the reason?

I’m outwardly outgoing (without being OTT) and make an effort but I just never succeed.

Thanks everyone who has responded, some really interesting perspectives

i understand this Curiousrobin and it’s similar to what I was thinking myself. Why would they want to hear from me, why would they want to tell me anything personal anyway, they probably think I’m a weirdo, they already have friends why would they want any more. It’s certainly getting worse as I get older as I certainly don’t get the feeling I click with anyone I meet anymore.

Through my work, I meet neurodiverse people who struggle with friendships, undiagnosed n.diverse, but suspected, and struggle with life generally.

People who've experienced domestic violence and been isolated from others, family, friendships, who then struggle to feel they're worthy of friendships without the drama. Self esteem gone down the pan.

Substance abusers who struggle having true friends, or suffer from shame, getting more isolated.

Judgemental upbringing making it hard not to judge others, pushing people away.

Basically, be a radiator not a drain, and you can't go far wrong.

Give to others, do nice things, reciprocate nice gestures, smile, enjoy your homelife and talk about it. Enjoy your hobbies.

Someone will like you, learn to trust you, and want to spend time with you.

This!

Thanks, you don't think I've tried to sort my low self esteem. I have, and actually I'm doing a lot better than I was. I made the first move to make a mum friend and I'm really proud of myself! We see each other with the kids every week now, and message often.
And you just repeated what I said- I literally said in my post they probably think it's uninterest.
Saying something like 'it's not all about you' seems a very weird thing to say to someone with low self esteem and low self confidence. That's kinda the point.. they don't feel like anyone thinks they are important!🤦‍♀️

I’ve been through periods where I’ve felt my friends were lacking or drifting away, and what I would say is you just have to make an effort, reach out and take a risk in suggesting a meet up or a coffee etc.
I went through a busy time with full time work and caring responsibilities and I just didn’t have the bandwidth to initiate and chase up social events, but I jumped at the chance when someone else organised things.
I’m now the one without school age children or elderly parents so I have more time to be the organiser.
It’s easier to organise something with one other person and then invite others rather than try to go-ordinate a group E.g X & I are going to the cinema on Thurs anyone want to join us?

I know plenty of ND and/or shy people who have and can make friends.

However, I know 2 people who make initial friendships, but they never last, (and this is not me suggesting the OP or anyone else is like this, I'm just answering the question). They're both unpleasant individuals, had once their true selves come out, people back off, and they have to start again with new people.

Anyone who comes across as ‘hard work’ in any way will struggle to make friends.

Most people (me included) are fair-weather friends, especially to begin with. They don’t want to be someone’s unpaid therapist.

I started to find it easier to make friends when my self-esteem elevated and I became comfortable in my own skin. I naturally relaxed about friendships (as in, not caring about how many I had, whether they would last, overthinking friendship dynamics etc.) which made friends want to stick around.

I had to go NC with one “friend”. I doubt she could tell you anything about me. 15 years of me being the soundboard/unpaid counsellor to her monologuing. Sorry, go away

Totally agree with this.

I don't recognise this at all.

I think women are complicated. Certainly the groups of friends I hear about have had some almighty bust ups. There are queen bee type personalities. The bully who commands the groups etc. The person excluded. Grown women behaving like this.

Not something I've ever come across in my 6+ decades on this planet, having been involved in lots of different groups.

I still have my friends from childhood and college, but I struggle to make new friends for a number of different reasons.

First: I'm quiet and introverted. Possibly neurodiverse.

2nd: I have quite niche interests that hardly anyone else shares. I'm not interested in the type of music, tv shows or activities that most people like, so I can never join in with those conversations. The people who do share my interests are usually men, and I can't be friends with men because none of the men I've met seem to be capable of platonic friendships with women.

3rd: I think I have an avoidant attachment style from growing up with emotionally and physically abusive parents. I work on the assumption that people don't like me, or that I'm annoying people. Because of this, I tend to withdraw from conversations or stop messaging people, I'm so worried that I'm being annoying.

Most of the friends I do have seem to have similar traumatic backgrounds with violence and abuse, so I think I feel safer with people who 'get it'.

I do have a couple of genuine friendships spanning over a prolonged period. My friends agree they can’t be doing with the bull

Me neither. I’m struggling to think of any bust-ups, in thirty plus years of different friendship groups.

Just be yourself and practice being very social and the friends will come. But your in your 40s. Its a challenge. You need to go to quiet places.

This is interesting but there are lots of posters warning against over sharing. How do you show vulnerability without over sharing? Also someone saying people want you to relate to them authentically, what does that mean?

This really resonated with me. I’ve always tried to help other ppl, even ppl I don’t know very well. If they have a problem or need support, I instinctively try to help them. I’m not overbearing or intense but tell them what helped me or offer a suggestion, and most of the time they follow my advice or whatever and tell me it has helped them. Then that’s it. I dont expect intense friendship or undying gratitude or loyalty but they tend to lose interest or drop me once I’ve helped them. I would hope they think I’m a decent person for bothering, which shows I care, and the fact they’ve benefitted would surely be a positive, but that doesn’t seem to factor. I don’t do it to ingratiate myself but it rarely seems to get me any ‘brownie points’ if that makes sense.

This relates to your second point. Why ppl make the effort with ppl who aren’t nice or who don’t go out of their way to help them.

Theres a lot on threads about selfish, rude, pessimistic, bitchy behaviour being factors that will get you dropped, and yet these people in my experience seem to have friends. The other ppl seem to turn a blind eye to this and when I watch someone monologuing about something that happened in a science lesson 30 years ago I expect ppl to look bored bc there’s no humour or excitement in the story - but they’re captivated! Or at least polite enough to listen dutifully- and their friendships are maintained.

I admit I find the whole thing bewildering at times as friendship seems so fragile in certain cases but in others - ppl can do just about anything and their standing in a group will be unaffected.

OP, in my experience friendships are like pretty much everything else in life: self-fulfilling prophecies. It's so unfair, but Viktor Frankel's maxim of "To he who has, more will be given" seems to apply everywhere, in situations big and small.

So I'm guessing that you unconsciously put out the notion that you will be rejected and people unconsciously pick up on this and act accordingly. Can you do cognitive rewiring on yourself? Affirmations and the like? Noticing when the dread sets in and using a rehearsed phrase to remind yourself that you are as likely to have friends as anyone on earth?

Secondly, I think you need to allow yourself more faith and optimism. Notice what's going right - you've made at least one lovely friend - and more will follow. Try not to focus only on the gaps but also on the wins (I say this as one who struggles with this too).

Finally, make yourself vulnerable, again and again and again. Ask if you can join in the second hobby, and the holiday. Do it with a pretend confidence "Oooo I'd love to join, is there a way I can?" and never, ever let your feelings of exclusion or sadness show. Keep it light and confident. And keep trying and asking at every turn, finding the self love and confidence to sound as though you're asking for the first time.

For me the key is to acknowledge how hard this is for you, how sad you are, to yourself in a loving, nurturing way. You need to let yourself know that you are valuable and valued, no matter what happens or doesn't happen with particular friends. You can befriend yourself and, surprisingly, it does help.

Good luck OP. You're not alone - so many of us struggle with this. It's part of the human experience.

Honestly? I can think of a few women and I think the answer is the same. Social conditioning.

They don't really want a friend. They just think they might sometimes, because they think that they should have some.

They might feel a vague sense of loneliness sometimes when thinking about the abstract concept of having a friend. But the mundane day to day of maintaining that friendship isn't something they are actually interested in. It takes away time and energy from other areas in their life that they just dont have.

What a beautiful reply.

I think it means just be yourself. Tell people enough that they can relate to you but don’t dominate the conversation with your own problems or viewpoints . Listen and empathise. I think also being positive and upbeat without being irritating is a good quality.

Thanks a lot for the reply, it’s good advice

I have a friend who's struggled to make (and keep) friends. Had no friends at school, just 'people who were nice to her' (her words). Made one friend during uni, who she's lost touch with. Made some friends through work (including me), but nearly all of them have now fallen away. Attends a church, but seems to cycle through church friends very rapidly.

The main reason for this is because frankly, she is quite self-absorbed. She rambles on about herself a lot, and always seems to lurch from one mini-drama to another, quite often of her own making (for example, downloading a computer virus, eating expired food and getting gastro, etc). I caught up with her the other week for coffee and a walk. We spent 90 minutes together, and not once in those 90 minutes did she ask me how I was going, or anything about my life. If I volunteered information, she'd listen. But mostly, I got the sense that she was just waiting for her turn to talk at me again. It's dull and exhausting, and although we go back a long way, I can only enjoy our friendship in very small doses these days.

I saw a post below which suggested that self-absorbed people need to be told that they're hogging the conversation, etc. Sadly, I don't think that would work with my friend. She's incredibly sensitive, and if I told her she was being self-absorbed, I suspect she'd just cry, and see it as me being cold and unreasonable. There are no good answers, really.

That’s great youre doing that, well done. Sorry Im probably projecting about people I know.

its tricky. I’ve never lacked friends, in fact I find it hard to manage all the friends I do have. I don’t have time to keep up with them all as much as I would like. This sounds very boastful but tbh my mum is the same: she’s 80 now and still juggling a busy diary of meet-ups with her many girlfriends. I think she probably taught me how to be a good friend.

i think we are both extroverts, so have a large capacity for being in company. It takes a lot to drain my social battery, so I’m able to be to meet the demands of friendship without getting worn out. I also think we are both genuinely interested in people’s lives. It’s not just being gossipy and overly intrusive - i just find people and their lives genuinely fascinating. And I care - without getting sucked in. We are both quite forgiving of people - without being taken advantage of. We both like a drink and a proper belly laugh And we both do the hard work part of friendship. I’ve lost count of how many friends I’ve helped move / clear house when they’ve spilt with partners or they are alone and need proper hands-on help to scrub toilets and a car with a big boot at their disposal.

I’m trying to think of the most recent friends I’ve made and how it happened. They were probably work colleagues who made it to the friend level - ie I’d meet up with them outside work.I think when I meet someone that I like or feel I’m going to click with, I just assume that we are friends already. So there’s no shyness about suggesting going for a drink or getting their number and having a what’s app chat etc or having a laugh about something 🤷‍♀️. What do I mean by ‘click with’? Definitely finding the same things funny - humour is so important. Having things in common like same age children to bond over. Being at a similar stage in life helps too, though my most recent friend is half my age!

to answer your actual question, my answers are 1. Neurodivergent in some way. Find it hard to read people and know when they are being out or (sorry) boring with long monologues. 2. Too needy. I don’t want to feel obliged to respond instantly to a text or be guilt tripped into meeting up just to avoid upsetting someone. Needy, insecure people can be very hard work. 3. Too busy / preoccupied with family. Friendship takes time and commitment, that’s how you show people that you value them. If you are spending every single weekend as exclusive ‘family time’ then you don’t have a lot of time for friends.