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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

If you know an adult who has struggled to make friends, what, honestly, do you think is the reason?

157 replies

Seasaltchips · 19/12/2025 20:56

Really struggled to build a social life as an adult (I’m mid 40s)

I have a couple of friends who are people I have known since school. Should I ask them why I’ve struggled?

Do you know anyone who has struggled to make friends as an adult? And do you know/or suspect you know the reason?

I’m outwardly outgoing (without being OTT) and make an effort but I just never succeed.

OP posts:
Plantymcplantface · 19/12/2025 21:28

I forgot to say I also think learning to be forgiving of friends is important. Nobody is perfect, we all have flaws, and that often includes being a little selfish at times. So accepting that in friends and loving them anyway.

CrackersMalackers · 19/12/2025 21:29

Of the people that spring to mind:

1 school group Mum, split up with her partner last year. Both before and after this she was dramatic and oversharing, while being overly familiar with all the dads. Always commenting on weight and how much she had eaten etc She posts on the whatsapp group dramatic things about needing 'support' from family members at the nativity, presumably aimed at the dad. Most of the other mums avoid her like the plague.

2 Second school group Mum, I suspect is neurodiverse. Nice lady but very quiet and alward body language. When you ask her a question she is quiet for a long term and then gives a one word answer. She also asks lots and lots of questions about things like how to sign up for x hobby. I am friends with other mums and even though I like this lady, I don't feel like we have a friendship as I guess she doesn't give back what I would expect a friend to give back, if that makes sense? So I wouldn't think to invite her somewhere, though she is included in the group invites. Reading that back made me feel like I should try harder and I will.

3 3rd scool group Mum. On the face of it much warmer and more engaging but complains endlessley about everything, both children being 'bullied' by anyone who doesn't want o play with them, her work bullying her for xyz, the headteacher evil because she wont agree to xyz, on and on and on. I avoid her like the plague too.

All three I suspect have no idea why they struggle with friendships. That's my honest thoughts, don't know if that's what you were looking for!

winnerwinnertofudinner · 19/12/2025 21:36

I wonder if it's a bit of a self-fulfilling prophecy, if you half expect to struggle or expect that people won't really see you as a friend?

I also struggle a little with making new friends but admittedly am a massive introvert and suspect possible ND.

arethereanyleftatall · 19/12/2025 21:37

24caratgoldlabubu · 19/12/2025 21:26

Usually it's down to neurodivergence - autism/ADHD.

Thing is with ADHD though, is they make friends really really easily with other ADHDers. In fact, I saw a meme saying the only test doctors need to do for adhd is to put them in a room full of new people, some with adhd, some not, and watch!

BunnyOnTheOnion · 19/12/2025 21:41

I can totally relate to your post. I have casual friends through work and hobbies but I often feel I'm there on the periphery, not invited to small group stuff and never considered a core part of the 'gang'. I'm quite shy and reserved and perhaps that comes across as either being a bit cold or boring (or both!)

MyRoseRaven · 19/12/2025 21:45

Have you been deeply hurt by a friend in the past?

I was at a fairly young age.I like to tell myself I don't have friends because I am such an amazing judge of character and can see through people easily but I'm reality I'm extremely judgemental. I am alway, always looking for the flaws in person so I can dump them first before they hurt me. I'm nearly 50 now and not going to change so I've accepted it.

24caratgoldlabubu · 19/12/2025 21:48

arethereanyleftatall · 19/12/2025 21:37

Thing is with ADHD though, is they make friends really really easily with other ADHDers. In fact, I saw a meme saying the only test doctors need to do for adhd is to put them in a room full of new people, some with adhd, some not, and watch!

Hmm I agree with this to an extent. But I have ADHD and find that whilst I can make friends very easily, I can only count my long term friends on one hand. Most of my friendships stay at acquaintance level or fizzle out.

VoltaireMittyDream · 19/12/2025 21:49

First off, making new friends as an adult is hard, full stop - particularly if people’s circumstances and availability are very different (kids / no kids, working / not working). So you can cut yourself some slack.

Also, I found big cities great for making friends when I was young, but awful as I got older. (Particularly when everyone I knew started moving out). I found people had less bandwidth for properly getting to know new people.

So a lot of this is just situationally tough.

To answer your particular question - the people I know who have a particularly hard time making friends as adults, and who I struggle to feel close to / want to hang out with very often even if they are lovely people , are either exceptionally anxious (and come across as self-focused / prickly / highly strung / tiringly inauthentic in the way that anxious people can tend to be), or generally not terribly interested in other people. They want to be ‘included’ or to ‘have friends’ - but that’s quite a different thing from being genuinely interested in the people you know, and caring about their lives, and enjoying their chat and their company.

People in the latter category might want to do activities together, or chat about hobbies together, but just aren’t all that interested in getting to know people, or being open for others to get to know them except in a very superficial way. And so while they’re perfectly nice people, they’re nobody’s best mate or confidante, and they’re not an integral part of a group dynamic, and people feel they have to stand on ceremony around them, and that’s a bit awkward and draining.

NormaSnorks · 19/12/2025 21:53

I recently joined a hobby group and formed an on-going friendship with three other women about my age (late 50s). We were meeting weekly, but it quickly became clear that one of the women just didn't 'fit' in the group and made the atmosphere different when she was there.
I suspect she had ASD/ADHD as she was very literal, but also quite focused on only her own needs, which made her seem narcissistic. For example - we met on a Wednesday as this was the date we could all make. Later she announced that we needed to change it to a Thursday as she now had another commitment on a Wednesday. She seemed genuinely surprised when the other three of us said no, as It wasn't convenient for us!

She also had a different way of talking in conversation. It was always long monologues of factual info about her and her family, and it never seemed to link or develop into the conversations we were having. She didn't share relevant thoughts or experiences. She also had very narrow interests and experiences - didn't know anything about news/politics or what was going on locally or in the wider world!

Imbrocator · 19/12/2025 22:02

Seasaltchips · 19/12/2025 21:22

You see, I listen, ask people about themselves, and remember stuff.

I contact people regularly (but not constantly!)

I open up / am able to show vulnerability, but without being too needy/miserable

I don’t feel like I moan too much and am generally pretty upbeat

I have hobbies / interests

Edited

OP you say you listen and ask questions but are you genuinely, hand on heart interested in the replies? Often people are able to tell if you’re asking because it’s expected rather than from a place of real interest.

It isn’t always possible to be genuinely interested in what people are telling you, but there’s often an interesting kernel within even a boring bit of information, and with the right questions and a bit of quick thinking you can often develop an interesting conversation from it.

On old but good recommendation is the classic book “How to win friends and influence people”, which covers the basics.

What I notice in people who seem to struggle to make friends is that their dynamic within a group is often different to others. As this is likely to be a setting in which you first meet a a future friend, I think getting this right can be key. People who struggle will often want to engage in a relatively uninteresting one to one conversation whilst the rest of the group is laughing and having fun, and will often (likely because it feels safer/more comfortable) want to section members of the group off into these one to one conversations. This is often fine if both parties are interested and it happens naturally, but this will often happen when the other party is clearly engaged and listening to the rest of the group. Instead of doing the same, the person will feel awkward watching and listening to a larger conversation and try to engage in a one on one.

Time pressure is also a real factor. I meet lots of people who I genuinely like and if I had more time would enjoy developing a friendship with, but don’t currently have the time to dedicate to.

Like others have suggested, attending a hobby regularly is one of the best ways of making friends. You might not click with the group, and that’s just down to luck, but regular activities mean you naturally end up spending time with people, talking with them and getting to know them.

Good luck OP, it can feel really hard sometimes but you can do it!

ViciousCurrentBun · 19/12/2025 22:03

I avoid over sharers.
I also don’t like people agreeing with me to try and please me if they don’t mean it as long as they are not rude it’s fine.

Christmaseree · 19/12/2025 22:05

Talk about themselves all the time

Are snobby, show offs or smug.

Don't seem to have a sense of humour

Talk about work, their DC or their dog all the time.

CrackersMalackers · 19/12/2025 22:06

Also, I have lots of friends and don't have enough time to see them enough. I'm always up for making new frienda, but some people seem to want a close one on one friendship that excludes other people and want to establish that quite quickly. If I sense someone is trying to do this, i.e. trying to turn me into their new 'bestie' I will pull back as I'm not interested in that kind of friendship/dynamic

Christmaseree · 19/12/2025 22:09

arethereanyleftatall · 19/12/2025 21:37

Thing is with ADHD though, is they make friends really really easily with other ADHDers. In fact, I saw a meme saying the only test doctors need to do for adhd is to put them in a room full of new people, some with adhd, some not, and watch!

My DS has ADHD and finds it nearly impossible to talk to anyone except immediate family.

EarthSight · 19/12/2025 22:12

cantbearsed27 · 19/12/2025 21:25

I think as an adult the hardest thing can be that people often already have their friends and it can be hard to break into their established groups - and they often don't feel they need more friends, adding new people to a group of friends can also be risky and takes effort.

Sometimes other people just click more, I've had that happen to me and it's not nice when you're edged out. I've had several times when I've had no friends, times when I've had loads of friends, times when I've just had one best friend for a number of years. But I've learned to accept that most people eventually move away and/or move on.

This.

Also, what I've learnt is that most women are incredibly sensitive to any differences between you, to a micro level that I hadn't realised when I was younger.

If they don't think you'll fit perfectly into their existing friend group, you'll never get more than surface level chat, and you won't get invitations. Friendship groups can also be quite political & hierarchical, can take a lot of work to maintain, plus lots of people are quite insecure on the inside. Therefore, if a woman's afraid they will somehow get judged negatively for inviting you somewhere, or if they think you might even outshine them in some way, you won't be let in. They just won't risk it.

MermaidMummy06 · 19/12/2025 22:16

OneBusyFinch · 19/12/2025 21:06

I have no friends - I have family, neighbours, colleagues and acquaintances but no friends. I’m autistic - I just can’t seem to work out how to maintain a friendship. I’ve tried lots of things and always am polite and smile and ask them about themselves but people don’t seek me out. The last time I had true friends was at secondary school but they didn’t persist post school even though I tried.

Edited

This is me, too. It's so confounding as I work hard to treat people well. I don't cancel, am supportive & reliable. I've had friends, but always been left out & never sought out.

When I look around I see the outgoing people, even if rude and loud, get the friends because they are fun, and approach people. I tend to stand back politely and am dull by comparison, I suppose.

drspouse · 19/12/2025 22:18

I made loads of friends as a younger adult, especially before getting married, and when my DCs were babies.
I now hardly see them and even the local ones that aren't mum friends have largely fallen by the wayside.
The primary reason is that my DS has fairly extensive SEN and other parents haven't wanted to socialise with us since he was about 5. He's 13 now.
Secondary reason is that I have a very demanding job and DH likes to spend the little down time I have with me (though I have a couple of work friends I have coffee or lunch with). But it's not like I have a lot of female friends who ask me out and then I can't go because DH has plans - they all socialise with the parents they see at the school gate/know through the PTA/Scouting.
The last time I actually managed to chat to other adults, not at work, was at Scout family camp in June.
(Edit - actually had drinks with my women's group on Sat. Before that it was June)

LivingDeadGirlUK · 19/12/2025 22:18

I am in my 40s and have made an effort to cultivate some new friendships local to me over the last 2-3 years, its really hard to keep on top of tbh. I've got two lovely school mum friends and a local friend who I've got close with but I just don't have time to see them often as life is so busy. I do think it will change as my child gets older though.

fluffiphlox · 19/12/2025 22:26

Mainly because at some level they are odd-bods and a bit hard work to be with.

RecordBreakers · 19/12/2025 22:34

She also had a different way of talking in conversation. It was always long monologues of factual info about her and her family, and it never seemed to link or develop into the conversations we were having. She didn't share relevant thoughts or experiences. She also had very narrow interests and experiences - didn't know anything about news/politics or what was going on locally or in the wider world!

This describes to an absolute tee, a man in a group I go to each week. Long monologues (not, in his case about family, but usually about history, including minute detail about architecture or transport - none of which are anything to do with the group). People are polite, but no-one would want to choose to then see more of him outside of the group. Despite often dominating the conversation with these monologues which people are polite enough to listen to, he is really disparaging about about other things people might talk about - from Bake off or Strictly to whatever sporting event is current and being talked about.

HundredMilesAnHour · 19/12/2025 22:41

Christmaseree · 19/12/2025 22:09

My DS has ADHD and finds it nearly impossible to talk to anyone except immediate family.

Edited

Whereas as I have ADHD and will happily talk to anyone and everyone and quite usually do. I have a friend who is NT and quite introverted/shy and he’s says he finds it fascinating watching me in action and seeing how quickly I click with all sorts of different people in the most random situations. I seem to be his social experiment 😂

I do think my ADHD helps though as I read people pretty well and pick up on their more subtle signals (all classic signs of having RSD and being an instinctive people pleaser) but I’m also told that I’m energetic and fun and being in my company improves people’s mood (apparently). I’m happy to accept the compliments but it’s just how I am, take it or leave it.

RosesAndHellebores · 19/12/2025 22:44

1 schoolfriend
1 college friend
1 interest friend
1 mum friend

Have known them for nearly 60 years, nearly 50 years, nearly 40 years, nearly 30 years.

Others have floated in and out. I have always maintained a distance at work and been a bit of an island there, but there's a group of four of us from my old employer who meet up a cpl of times a year.

Then there are DH's friends and their wives.

I've always been an observer and was cautious at the school gates but nodded and smiled. I'm economical in how much I give and spent a life time avoiding the mean girls. I am very happy with my own company.

MIL, 89, has not one friend because she has never bothered to make an effort, has never kept in touch with people, has never visited a poorly colleague who was supposed to be a friend, and when she has made an acquaintance, has lost it due to her sharp tongue. And the bragging about her very clever children. Two of whom were on the other side of the world by the time they were 22. She wrotes a Christmas card when she receives one. Paradoxically, she was head girl of her school so must have been popular then.

Just be yourself op and learn to be comfortable with yourself.

RiderGirl · 19/12/2025 22:50

I think there can be a variety of factors - I don't know you OP so I'm gonna talk about myself 😂 I'm early 40s and haven't got any really close friends bar one that I went to school with, I've got a few close acquaintances but no "besties". I work in a diverse department of a couple of hundred people and think that on surface level I get on with everyone, however I struggle to break into any groups and despite feeling that people are my friend I never get invited to anything.

I've never gone for a diagnosis but I'm 99% certain that I'm on the Autistic spectrum and I'm crap at the nuances of relationships and I don't really "get" groups of women - I'm rubbish at small talk for example but can blabber on until the ends of time about any of the things that interest me. I think I've got a good sense of humour but can probably be a bit black and white/spade's a spade which doesn't always go down brilliantly.

Tryingatleast · 19/12/2025 22:58

It’s all luck when it comes down to it op- it’s about coming across someone you have certain things in common with or you click because you have a similar sense of humour for example. I work on a checkout and serve probably fifty people a day and some rub off badly on me others I really click with. I think that’s indicative of real life. Even the people on these threads who give advice, I sometimes think yikes, me and them would not get along!

blossomtree323 · 19/12/2025 23:00

From experience, over sharing too much initially puts people off and often sets a precedent that their needs come first because, you know, I've just overshared about all the difficulties/ challenges in my life so you must be nice to me/ never challenge me. People who cannot read social cues of what is/isn't appropriate to say to others and then don't always get why people don't stick around and tend to move on. Oh and excessive momologuing IMO