Did you stay and regret it?

[Username1233]

For context, I have been with my partner for almost 13 years. We got together when I was 16, we have 2 DC, a house together, and quite frankly a wonderful life. He is an amazing dad, he is a caring and attentive partner. He’s made silly mistakes in the past, but never been unfaithful, never not put the kids first. He cleans, he cooks, he gets super involved in school activities, he’s like a unicorn.
I feel so guilty for writing this, because I have no reason to feel the way I do, but deep deep down I don’t think I love him in that way anymore. He really wants to get married, but I have no desire to do that with him. The physical attraction has gone, and intimacy has been all but non existent for almost a year. But he’s my best friend, we enjoy the same activities, he’s so much fun to go out with, and I love him so much (perhaps just not in love with him).

He doesn’t want us to separate, but I feel unbelievably selfish feeling the way I do, and potentially stopping him from finding someone who’s willing to give him the love he deserves.
We’re both still young, we both have an opportunity to potentially find someone else, but of course I realise the grass isn’t greener on the other side.
If you had stayed, because except from the whole “being IN love” everything else worked, did you have any regrets? I’m terrified of loosing my best friend, but I feel incredibly selfish staying for my own fear. Of course we have spoken about the kids to, something else which breaks my heart, because again, it seems incredibly selfish to break what appears to be a perfect family unit because something is missing.
Part of me thinks if you have to ask the question, you already have the answer. But another part of me thinks I need to grow up and just get on with it.
Please no harsh comments, I truly feel awful as it is.

Did you find him attractive at the start if your relationship? Try and remember what drew you to him. Is it that he's let himself go?

What you have is love.. its just not the exciting intense in love feeling like when you first met.
You were very young when you met and you are still young now so I understand your feelings.
I'd say try and ignite some excitement into it first before you make a final decision.
Relationships are hard wether established or new .
Try not to take for granted what you already have the best friend the security the future try something new together see where it takes you both x

He’s made silly mistakes in the past, but never been unfaithful

What does this mean?

We assume this because OP has said so. If she was simply saying 'marriage/partnering is not for me - I'd like to be single and raise my kids without a partner' I'd be thumbs-upping and high-fiving. But she's saying she thinks she can find a life partner she will feel more passionate about, more 'in-love'. And I'm saying that if she does find such a creature, chances are high that she'll become blah about him too after a few years.

I’m definitely not in the “fake it till you make it” camp, having sex with someone you have no physical desire at all for is traumatic. If he is a nice guy he would absolutely not want you to put yourself through that.
And as for all the doom mongers saying you will never find a good guy like him again, what are this weeks lottery numbers? Because you are apparently all psychic.
You’re not even 30 yet, you both deserve to have a “full” relationship.
You are still great friends now, a few more years of no sex life or intimacy and that friendship probably won’t be so great and that won’t be a good environment for any of you to live in.

She really hasn’t. She has said they they could both potentially meet someone else at some point in the future but also that she has no intention or desire to meet anyone anytime soon, she doesn’t mind being on her own and that men increasingly give her the ick.

Hey op it does sound like your mind is made up you can’t fake intimacy for the rest of your lives so look at starting to get the ball rolling you say he deserves more so let him go and you do you. Just bear in mind if he meets someone the kids are affected and you might not see kids on birthday or Christmas but once you process this go for it.

I would get a sex therapist or just have sex. I think sex in a long term relationship is a bit like exercise i.e. can't always be bothered but it's good for you and you feel better afterwards 😂

I think in your situation i'd be open with my partner, tell them I'm not really feeling the sexual/romantic spark and talk about what we could do to improve it. I wouldn't feel scared to say this because I think the idea that you could go your whole life in one relationship without ebs and flows in connection and expecting it all to occur naturally without any work is unrealistic.

I know I’d prefer to be in a platonic relationship over single, thankfully not the position I’m in, but I think I’d need to be actively unhappy and resentful of DH to face single life and put the kids through divorce. I do think it’s more complicated than just single vs passionately in love. I’m one of those posters that detest blended families, so for me it would be marriage or single, not new boyfriend or whatever else.

If that’s the case, I strongly recommend personal trauma therapy before you upend your life. I could be wrong but it sounds like your childhood could be affecting you (commitment/attraction issues with ‘safe’, kind men often stem from trauma)

It's really hard but truthfully I think if you can stay, you should for your children,
You say you love him, he's a good partner and you get on well.

Relationship really does ebb and flow it's weather your willing to stick it out . Dynamics will change all the time .
No relationship is amazing full-blown love and intimacy all the time .
A marriage is constant falling in and out of love with each other ,,why leave if their is nothing fundamentally wrong ? What are you hoping to gain rampant sex and butterflys ? That's unrealistic and most ppl don't achieve that full time .
Your partner sounds amazing ,work on the excellent a foundations compatibility,trust and past you share to bring the spark back rather than leave for mythical stranger to start all over again and probably again and again

Believe me their isnt much out their .

You tell him how you're feeling. Tell him things feel stale, and that you're finding it difficult to be attracted to him due to his lack of drive and ambition. Give him the chance to make things better.

No but parents owe children stability. And parents sacrifice for their children, it's part of the job description. If there is a way the family can function happily then that is what's best for the children. So actually no, once you have children together, it needs to be a bloody good reason in my opinion.

I've fallen in and out of love many times with my DH. It's life, it comes with lots of ups and downs. We also got together young. It was crazy, mad, exciting love first time round, butterflies, love letters, song dedications, up most of the night chatting about hopes and dreams. It will never be that again, not even in a new relationship. Now I'm in my 30s, I'd be running a mile if I met a man who started sending love letters and getting all cheesy on me.
What I'm trying to say is that is if you're chasing that in love high you had at 16, you will probably never find it with another person. We grow, our lives expand, we have other responsibilities and priorities, we have pain that had made us less enthusiastic and more realistic. We don't have the time or idealism for an all consuming love.
It sounds like you have something good, I wouldn't throw that away.

I think this is a problem of today, in the past it would have been much more normal to marry while still in the ‘in love’ stage. Thirteen years on you are not at that stage anymore. You are also in one of the stages when you are concentrating on small children and getting through each day. We live at a time when you can decide what you want and go for it which is empowering but doesn’t do much for stability.
Do other people view you as a strong partnership? Do you view yourself as a strong partnership? You might not think you would fancy him if you saw him in a pub but how do you feel when he comes home? Are you glad to see him. Do you laugh about the same things? Do you ‘get’ each other?
You talk about feeling he could do better than you, is this part of a broader lack of self belief? I have been in my relationship for decades, am pleased we stuck it out.

Being from a 'broken home' and seeing your parent fling away partner after partner could have affected you more than you think. It could be that your blueprint for a relationship is that you're in it until it doesn't work for you any more and then you're out. I have a friend who had the most amazing husband - she kept telling me he was boring and he deserved better as she didn't enjoy being with him etc. Dumped him and found an older man who she had a child with. Lo and behold the same pattern repeated itself. My advice would be get some therapy to assess whether this is a genuine life choice because he's not the right fit for you, or whether actually this is about your past.

@Username1233 Only advice from the divorce side here. Going through and being divorced is no fun. Because:
-There arent an abundance of amazing guys out there. There just aren't. The good ones are in happy relationships. The rest are blaming their exes, pretending to be single (but are not), emotionally immature etc etc..

-Divorce is hard for the kids. Very hard. You will swap one problem (lack of attraction and desire) to multiple, new, child-related problems: anxiety, new fears, insecurity, tantrums, blaming you for their new undesired life, they might resent you, or resent dad, or blame themselves, question everything, do badly in school...

-You will end up loosing 50% of your life with your kids if you do 50/50. They grow when you're not there. And when they come to you they have trouble adjusting to a different home for the first few days. And as soon as they're fine, they have to leave again. Personally i hate the weeks without them.

-Lovely partners can turn into a nightmare in divorce. Expect fights over money, kids, contact, who pays for what, new partners and jealousy etc..

-Everything feels disjointed. Family occasions are not the same. Birthdays and Christmases have to be negotiated. The wholesome family feeling is not there.

-You personally end up loosing your past references. You have no one to say 'you remember when we or the kids did this that and the other..' And you end up binge watching all shows on your own.. this one is what im feeling sad about right now. I can't just sit on the sofa with my long-term partner and put on a new season of something we've watched and shared before. It all just me now.

-Money. Having two households instead of one is expensive. Expenses are very rarely equally shared. One ends up paying more and being resentful about it.

So there's my take on it. I have never regretted my divorce, the reasons were too heavy (infidelity, emotional abuse). But honestly i am very sad it had to come to this. I would rather be married and have that homely wholesome life than try to carve a whole new life out for myself alone. I am 4 years post-divorce and not been on one single date yet. I have been asked and approached, but like i said, the pickings are slim out here.

I would agree with yay or nay in many of those points. I did have intensive counselling and it was very helpful in helping me understand myself. I am able to support me and my dc on my own but I am financially much worse off than if I was still married.

OP get yourself to counselling asap. There is too much to unpack here and everything you are saying isn’t rooted in clear thinking.

You seem to have a very immature view of relationships and love and need to work this out first.

Have you always felt this way regarding intimacy, has he changed (physically) significantly over the years?

I always like to read what JudgeBread has to say, always good advice & level headed opinion on whatever is being discussed..

I have to agree with a lot of what she says , I’m in the dating game , well out of it really at the min , taking a break , it’s a jungle out there being honest , very hard to find someone who is geuine that you find attractive also .
That said OP you’re a lot younger than me , I’m 50 now .
You have a good man/ good father .
Not being intimate for 12 months isn’t a great sign though either , Are you physically attracted to him at all ?

I understand your feelings but at the end of the day I could never choose to voluntarily miss out on half my kids life. To miss a birthday or a Christmas would break my heart. Obviously if my husband left me it's out of my hands or cheating etc but in your case, my children would come first because I love them more than anyone in the world! Even my husband. That would be my decision made.

Do not marry a man you a) don’t love and b) do not want to have sex with.

You were 16 and still a child when you started dating. It is not surprising your idea of what a mature, perfect partner looked like is completely different now you are 29. Frankly the sort of boys I thought were attractive at 16 were very different to what I thought were attractive at 21. (Both physically and personality attractive.)

OP- you sound like the sort of person who’d have an exit affair. I know a few people who’ve done that.

exit affairs are when you have an affair not really because you madly want the person you are having an affair with, but purely to give you the excuse to end a relationship.

Exit affairs are messy and horrible, you end up hurting everyone. So don’t get to that point. If you feel yourself attracted to someone else, stop and think “do I really want this person or do I just want a reason to end my relationship?” Always end your relationship first.