Did you stay and regret it?

[Username1233]

For context, I have been with my partner for almost 13 years. We got together when I was 16, we have 2 DC, a house together, and quite frankly a wonderful life. He is an amazing dad, he is a caring and attentive partner. He’s made silly mistakes in the past, but never been unfaithful, never not put the kids first. He cleans, he cooks, he gets super involved in school activities, he’s like a unicorn.
I feel so guilty for writing this, because I have no reason to feel the way I do, but deep deep down I don’t think I love him in that way anymore. He really wants to get married, but I have no desire to do that with him. The physical attraction has gone, and intimacy has been all but non existent for almost a year. But he’s my best friend, we enjoy the same activities, he’s so much fun to go out with, and I love him so much (perhaps just not in love with him).

He doesn’t want us to separate, but I feel unbelievably selfish feeling the way I do, and potentially stopping him from finding someone who’s willing to give him the love he deserves.
We’re both still young, we both have an opportunity to potentially find someone else, but of course I realise the grass isn’t greener on the other side.
If you had stayed, because except from the whole “being IN love” everything else worked, did you have any regrets? I’m terrified of loosing my best friend, but I feel incredibly selfish staying for my own fear. Of course we have spoken about the kids to, something else which breaks my heart, because again, it seems incredibly selfish to break what appears to be a perfect family unit because something is missing.
Part of me thinks if you have to ask the question, you already have the answer. But another part of me thinks I need to grow up and just get on with it.
Please no harsh comments, I truly feel awful as it is.

Couples therapy?

I think you owe it to him and your children to do marriage and intimacy counselling before throwing in the towel.

To be bluntly realistic, at almost 30 and with two kids in tow, you aren’t going to have the cream of the crop of men available to you. You’ll most likely end up with someone subpar. That’s just the way it is unfortunately. He, on the other hand, will likely find someone else meaningful very quickly.

I’m the breadwinner, and the driving force behind wanting to achieve more

Do you really mean the breadwinner - ie the one who earns the money or do you simply mean higher earner?

OP from personal experience, life is busy and exhausting with two kids, especially with a two year old. I would perhaps delay getting married but try and make other changes in your life to see if that helps ease your boredom. Take up a new exercise class for example, or new hobby. Maybe take up something you can do with your partner to see them in a different context.
Edit to add if you do decide to leave, don’t be put off by naysayers indicated that you are past it at 30 with two kids. My friends who have divorced have all found new partners.

I think you’ve had some good responses. I do wonder if your feelings are tied into your youngest still being small, and maybe not quite recognising your partner anymore.

I have an almost 2 year old, and a few months go, I would have happily left my partner - there was no sex (I wasn’t ready), we hadn’t been on a date in months and we had both changed slightly post baby. My partner is also very very domestic, cooks, cleans and does everything - he has moments where he is very “manly”, but it did feel like our roles were setting after baby, and even I wasn’t sure if I was attractive anymore.

you keep saying that you feel like you are wasting his years, but actually what’s important is what you feel about yourself. Do you feel like you are wasting your years? Could you do therapy and see how it goes and maybe aim to see if there are other uunderlying issues.

It seems sad to have to break up this relationship, unless you really really really want to. But if anything in you wants to make it work, I’d channel into that for the short term future and see how it goes.

This. A lot of people really regret it.
Being a single parent can be really hard.
The excited, teenage like feelings you have at the beginning of a relationship aren't generally supposed to last, they come and go. Knowing your partner would be there for you when you had an operation, knowing he or she will make sure the kids are fine - is what matters.

You are an amazing woman, and the one he chose. You just aren't 'in love' with him in the same way after several years together. But you aren't in love with anyone else either, so perhaps this lack of desire is due to some change in you, very likely a temporary one, rather than a sign that your relationship is wrong.
You must go where your gut leads you, and perhaps that means leaving this mostly happy marriage. But it is quite possible that you will deeply regret it, so only take the plunge if you are sure.

I felt like this with my ex. The passion died especially after birthing 3 children and being the one doing all night feeds and school runs alone. Glad I got out when I did

Just for gods sake don't spout the bs about leaving him for his sake.
Be honest. If you leave him you're doing it for you. You feel like you're the one in control of whether the relationship continues, but be aware if you keep threatening to leave he might just take you up on it out of sheer fatigue.

As someone above said, you sound like a candidate for an exit affair. But if you really feel the way you say you feel about him, please don't do it until you have broken up.

The reality of step parenting and blended families - which are notoriously tricky - is a long way from OP’s current fantasy of a more ‘masculine’ man.

2 is so little, I don’t think it’s unusual to be distanced from your partner while parenting a baby or a toddler. Your hormones are probably still doing strange things to you, especially if you breastfed or are still not getting much sleep. For that reason if I were you I’d park it until your youngest is 4 or 5, get yourself some therapy, both put some effort in, maybe look for some (non-romantic) adventures in other realms of life, and see if it’s possible to reconnect. I think barring abuse it’s pretty mad for people to break up when they have very tiny children.

@Username1233 youd be mad to give that up. Im a single parent myself, and the dating pool is terrible. Every one of my exes were snapped up quickly. I've been alone for 10 years! I know a few women who had the same thoughts as you but quickly went back to their husbands when they realised the grass wasn't greener. It sounds really depressing but its incredibly hard out there for single parents whereas your husband, if decent, will be snapped up. Then if he doesnt have 50/50, will have all the time in the world to date, and you'll be stuck.

My ExH was pretty much like yours, we fell out of love and split.

Do I regret leaving him? No, not at all. Would my life had been easier if I stayed? no, he may have been a good provider but… I was dying inside, sex felt like an obligation that disgusted me and loving him as a “brother” had turned into loving him as a “child” that I cared for but, being an adult, it was ultimately just another chore.

Once we split I immediately felt a burden lifting from my shoulders, and realised that he was not such a nice dad and helpful partner: he was not hitting me and would play with DS for short periods in the weekend but… he was very selfish and this idea that he was a wonderful involved dad and great at helping around the house was just something I tried hard to believe to convince myself that it wasn’t wise to leave.

Life is short, you cannot waste it staying with someone you don’t love, not because the grass is greener on the other side but because your marriage will turn into a garden full of thorny creepers that will produce some tiny fruits at times at the expense of getting cuts in your hands and body everyday you navigate through them.

Your children may suffer more if you stay together than if you split. It is not divorce that damages children but what they witness at home before divorce. And believe me, they will model future relationships on the basis of what they see at home so if they see you bitter and resentful, if they learn to navigate a toxic home, they will grow up to think that that is what a normal relationship looks like and replicate you marriage in their lives.

Be true to yourself and, if you decide to leave, don’t be afraid. You will manage, you will find a way to raise your children well but, if you leave, you must accept that divorce is not a marriage with two houses, you will have to stand on your own feet and let go of any expectations of any practical or financial help or consideration from him because, if the things turn bitter you may not get more help from him than the child maintenance law requires… if he doesn’t decide to be an arse (go to the CMS website to calculate how much, you will be surprised at how little it is but also head to the entitledto.co.uk website as you may be entitle to some help if you are in a small salary).

Best of luck, it won’t be easy but it will be fine, I have yet to meet anyone who chose to divorce who has regretted it. We just regret not doing it sooner before the things become nasty and damaging.

@GrandmasCatyour situation sounds quite different from the OP’s.

How so? Didn’t go into the details of mine but I would say that like the OP, I had a “model husband”, who I was no longer attracted to, who was my friend (back then) and who I didn’t want to hurt.

I understand when the op talks about him becoming more “feminine”. It is not that they become feminine per se, but that they lose their masculinity at some point. It comes when a woman starts taking over responsibilities from a man or acting as his mother, when he relaxes knowing that she is taking good care of the mental load and at that time the attraction goes because no woman wants to have sex with someone she is mothering.

Op, if this resonates with you, go and get a book called “why men marry bitches”, I know you are not wanting to marry but it may give you some ideas on how to help him recover that masculinity. I found it too late to save my marriage but it became a god send when it came to stopping me from making man children out of other perfectly reasonable men. Mind you, I am single, happy and not in a hurry to find another husband not because there are no wonderful men out there who do chores around the house and are responsible loving parents, but because I have carried so much of other people’s mental load in the past, I don’t want to take on anyone else’s anymore unless they are prepared to take some of mine in equal measure and, in my generation, that doesn’t happen very often.

Agree! Dating pool is rubbish and particularly difficult for a woman with kids. When you get older is it’s more about contentment and financial security and being treated well. Of course the early relationship sparks are great but they don’t last, and a lot of men when further into a relationship, don’t turn out to be thr great all round partner you want, please read the many mumsnet threads on this!! Please consider relationship counselling before making a break

> I have an almost 2 year old, and a few months go, I would have happily left my partner

The implication being that within the last few months this has changed? How did it change? Don't leave OP on tenterhooks!

How so: you projected your situation (you convinced yourself he was a good husband but he wasn't) onto OP's situation (in which we have no reason to believe he isn't a good husband).

I would definitely suggest trying relationship counselling before making any drastic decisions, and some posters have recommended books that seem sensible to read. However, I am truly aghast at the number of people suggesting or implying that you should have intimate relations with your partner when you have clearly stated that the idea would disgust you.

Many people are saying that the grass isn’t greener on the other side. I agree that this is probably true, but in real life I honestly don’t know any women who, if asked whether they would marry or share their home again, would even consider it. Mind you, my friendship group and colleagues are mainly in our late 40s and have, by and large, been married or with our partners for 15 years or more. Nobody, to my knowledge, wants to separate.

But God forbid something happened — none of us would readily want to share our space again or make the level of compromise that a relationship requires. The grass may not be greener on the other side, but we don’t care: we would relish our own space and independence and would not give that up lightly.

You’re 29. You deserve to feel lust and to be in love, if that is what you want. I commend you for your honesty with your partner..

I'm going to go against what most have written but I think if you're not happy then separate, but please make sure that you are OK if you end up alone. I left my husband (though he was a jerk compared to yours) and I am alone - but 100% happier than if I had stayed. I may or may not meet someone else and I'm fine with that - are you?

To be honest, I’m often horrified at what women here and in real life define as a good husband, but each to their own.

The bottom line is that staying in a relationship with someone you don’t love is only conductive to more resentment and toxicity. Set yourself a deadline Op, start putting your ducks in a row and if by the time the deadline comes you still want out, set yourself free.Nobody should be forced to fake a relationship just because a nice person wants it.

My advice would be - get dating each other, start having intimacy again and keep it going (it might feel weird at first but it will either rebuild the connection - or it won't and then you'll know!). There is often a way back when you start having fun together and stop taking each other for granted. If a year down the line and you've really tried but still feel it's over, then it probably is - but don't throw back a good one until you're certain. Good luck

I think a lot of women would feel very happy to be in a relationship with someone as caring and helpful as your partner. Physical attraction can decrease in any relationship, for a number of reasons - low hormone levels, decrease in physical attraction, lack of excitement - the sheer mundanity of being in a long term relationship, etc.

But, of course, a lack of physical attraction is an issue. Is it possible that you are just tired and bored? Or has your partner become less physically attractive to you, eg has he neglected his appearance?

It isn't easy to be a single Mum and it obviously creates financial issues for both parties. Women who have extremely unhappy marriages, perhaps partners who are physically and mentally abusive or selfish and uncaring, usually benefit from separating. However, as you are so fond of your partner, would it be worth exploring why you now feel as you do, and perhaps consider counselling?

Trust your body, trust your feelings. Nobody here can advise you because they are not living in your body.

I know you say you can’t explain why you feel how you do as, on paper he is perfect. But he can’t be. Maybe there are trust issues and I don’t just mean the cheating kind, I mean do you really trust him, to back you up, do you trust him with yourself, with your body, do you trust him enough that you can fully be yourself with him and speak openly to him.

Apologies if I am all wrong about that. I’m only going by your few posts. I am in your corner. You don’t have to be able to explain why you feel the way you do. You might never know why, but your body does.

I would delay the wedding no matter what and get some counselling for yourself x

I am dismayed by the number of posters who are tritely encouraging you to just go on dates or 'have sex with him anyway' and the excuse that it's hard to find a decent man. @Username1233 this needs properly unpicking in therapy where your feelings will not be dismissed and ignored. You feel this way and it's for reasons. That's where you need to start work, to understand this better and feel validated.