“D”H, cinema, female colleague- update messages

[Anon1234567891]

A couple of months ago I posted about DH going on the odd cinema trip with a female colleague/friend and how on the most recent trip I felt weird/jealous about it. I didn’t think there was anything physical but didn’t know if it was a bit more than friends and felt that he didn’t prioritise going out with me so was annoyed he was going out with her.
We talked and initially he was sympathetic and said he didn’t want to upset me but I asked if he would show me his phone messages to her and he was defensive and cross and wouldn’t even though he said there wasn’t anything “inappropriate”. There were a couple of other things I found he had hidden from me not directly related to this which I was annoyed about but we tried to move on.

But it still bothered me that he wouldn’t show me his messages so the other day I decided to look at his work phone as I couldn’t see his personal one and found these messages on teams.

Relating to the cinema he sent a picture of one of those double lie down beds you get at some cinema’s and said “we could have done sofa bed but a bit OTT for the first date” - it was the “first date” bit that got me.

Then there was one saying “because seats recline going higher than normal please make sure you have underwear on - this time!” She replied “spoil sport”. WTF was that about.

There were also messages about minor work issues where he replied “you are amazing” and “you are always welcome” and one where he put😍after the message.

So is this work banter or something else, there was nothing like this to anyone else. He has banged on for weeks about how I should trust him but if this is on his work phone what’s on his personal.

And to the people that kept telling me men and women can be friends would this make a difference to that opinion, I couldn’t see him sending this to a male friend.

Also if he supposedly loved me so much and didnt want anyone else why would he risk it for a few flirty messages!

Absolutely not. I've got lots of male friends and would never secretly flirt like this with them, totally inappropriate.

Not showing you the messages is a huge red flag. If I had acted in a way that meant my spouse was genuinely concerned and upset about something, I'd do everything I could to be reassuring and open.

Friendly banter my arse!!! Get rid

If I had a male colleague sending me those sorts of messages, I'd be questioning his intentions. Especially if I know he's married. I'd see them as definitely indicating flirting/sexual/romantic interest.

He's behaving like a single man.

They're messages which are also inappropriate for work Teams messages.

I don’t think this is just a few flirty messages, I’m sorry.

It reads as though they are having an affair. Maybe she is a bit more careful about what she writes on the work Teams channel but messages like you have read definitely indicates that they know each other much more intimately than work buddies.

Also, how do you find it acceptable that you don’t know your DH’s phone pin? I cannot even imagine that. I have never looked through my DH’s phone in the more than 20 years we’ve been together, but I obviously know his pin. I would assume he was hiding something if I didn’t.

Relating to the cinema he sent a picture of one of those double lie down beds you get at some cinema’s and said “we could have done sofa bed but a bit OTT for the first date” - it was the “first date” bit that got me.

Then there was one saying “because seats recline going higher than normal please make sure you have underwear on - this time!” She replied “spoil sport”.

These messages, I mean.

I'm sorry @Anon1234567891 I don't think this is good.

At the very least, he's transgressed a boundary & needs to pull back. He's getting close to cheating on you, and messing her about.

I would be telling him now that you have seen some of the messages now and you want to see his personal phone, and if he refuses to show you there and then then he has to go (don’t let him walk off with the hump, giving him a chance to delete any of the inappropriate ones, you need to see them the minute you ask for them, state to him it’s over otherwise.

I’m sorry, I can’t see how those messages can be seen as banter, you don’t banter about first dates, and the underwear thing?! To me that sounds like she told him she wasn’t wearing any, there’s only one reason to do that 🤢. If you confront him about this, he will almost certainly turn the tables on you for looking, but at this point, does it matter? I think the question you should be asking yourself is when, not if. Fair enough if you want to suffer through Christmas for the kids. I’d struggle to start the new year off with this on my shoulders though. I’m sorry op, what a pair of scumbags (and yes, I’m including her because she clearly knows about you!) xx

Ugh I'm so sorry OP but really back your instincts on this. If it makes you uncomfortable then that's enough for it to be unacceptable. When exDH and I had only been together a few months I found similar messages to a colleague (all stuff like "nice dress 😘" and "I'm wearing suspenders can you tell"). My instinct was to end the relationship immediately but we were literally about to go on holiday together and he convinced me it was a previous flirtation from before we were together, which he hadn't been able to disentangle himself from. Looking back, it was a real turning point and my only regret in our relationship. It set the bar for the boundaries I felt able (or unable) to hold firm on. Cue 14 years of shiftiness and a series of relationships with female work colleagues that were inexplicably hidden from me, culminating in a full affair last year. His lack of loyalty to me was right there plain at the start.

Nope. Never.
It's unheard of.
Sigh.

Hmm very odd isn't it. Always someone attractive and younger/single/going through a rough time.

Love. He’s shagging this woman. It couldn’t be clearer if they walked in and fucked on your sofa. He doesn’t love you. I’m sorry but it’s a clear as day.

What makes me so angry is in the last few weeks he keeps saying he loves me, doesn’t want anyone else but also making out I’m the one being unreasonable.

Classic DARVO. And "The Script."

good luck and

The fact that he is going to the cinema with her at all....He's a family man right? Yet he can justify spending probably upwards of 3 hours out of the house including travel to sit in the dark with someone else (whoever it is) around christmas time which is the busiest time of year for parents. Thats disrespectful in itself, let alone if its with another woman or not. When do you get that equivalent time for yourself?

His messages are grim.

You won't spoil christmas for anyone - he's spoiled it for himself. I would tell him now as then at least there is a bit of time for the dust to settle before christmas. He may choose to spend it away from the family and then at least you don't have to put up with his smug face around the place, trying to play happy families.

Just looked at your initial thread. He bought viagra on a secret credit card and lied to you about it and when you forced him to acknowledge he had done that he turned it on you and accused you of taking the piss out of him for using viagra, something which you are genuinely sure you have never and would never do. He got angry when you asked to see his messages on his personal phone to this woman and refused. He is repeatedly deflecting and gaslighting and you say you're worried "he'll go mad". These messages on his work phone are now the proof you need for yourself to know that no, you are not crazy, no you are not unkind to have suspected him and, no, you will not stand for this anymore. Now it is time to work out what you want, what is best for you, what you need to do to make that happen. There is no point having a discussion with him while his strategy is to lie, manipulate and then get angry if you persist.

They’re leading up to a full on affair, likely it’s already tipped over into that. Let her have him, he’s a disgrace.

Yeah, he's fucking her. Give yourself the wonderful Christmas gift of leaving him. Sorry this has happened to you but I'm not surprised in my experience of men at work.

Yeah, somehow I doubt he's bantering with his male friends like this

Sorry OP, but this is more than flirty messages. Sorry you’re going through this x

Before doing anything you may regret towards him, I would get my ducks in a row, so you know where you stand, just incase. Keep the money chain file at your parents with the photos of his ‘banter’.

It may be a physical affair or not. However, it's totally inappropriate regardless, based on those texts alone.

They are truly vile - totally unacceptable in the workplace, on work-based platforms, completely wrong in the context of being a married man, and just generally pretty gross.

I'm not saying it doesn't matter if he is having a physical affair or not - of course it does. But solely on what you now know, and have read, it's over. He has no respect for you or your marriage and one way or another, has checked out.

I'm really really sorry. 💐

Start an escape fund at your parents.

trust your instincts here. this is NOT normal behaviour from him.

There’s no grey area here - at the very least this is serious flirting.

rounding need permission for this to be a deal breaker

Sorry, OP. I remember your previous thread and people trying to gaslight you into thinking you were being controlling over your husband's friends. Obviously he is having an affair and now it's up to you to decide what you want to do.

My advice would be to first of all get your ducks in a row financially and housing-wise. Make sure you know exactly where you stand with all of that. See a solicitor and get their advice. Only when you're clear with all of that should you confront your husband.

I don't know whether forgiving him and trying again is on your agenda at all, but I would also have a very serious think about what it would take for you to be able to continue in the relationship (if indeed there is anything) and don't compromise on that.

When you talk to your husband, you need to feel completely sure and confident of what you want to happen, so you're not going to stand for manipulation or emotional blackmail. You need to be able to say something like, "I know you're having an affair; this is your one chance to be honest with me about it. If you can do that, I'm willing to have a conversation with you about what happens next. If you can't do that, then you'll need to leave today."