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Original poster

“D”H, cinema, female colleague- update messages

981 replies

Anon1234567891 · 15/12/2025 09:47

A couple of months ago I posted about DH going on the odd cinema trip with a female colleague/friend and how on the most recent trip I felt weird/jealous about it. I didn’t think there was anything physical but didn’t know if it was a bit more than friends and felt that he didn’t prioritise going out with me so was annoyed he was going out with her.
We talked and initially he was sympathetic and said he didn’t want to upset me but I asked if he would show me his phone messages to her and he was defensive and cross and wouldn’t even though he said there wasn’t anything “inappropriate”. There were a couple of other things I found he had hidden from me not directly related to this which I was annoyed about but we tried to move on.

But it still bothered me that he wouldn’t show me his messages so the other day I decided to look at his work phone as I couldn’t see his personal one and found these messages on teams.

Relating to the cinema he sent a picture of one of those double lie down beds you get at some cinema’s and said “we could have done sofa bed but a bit OTT for the first date” - it was the “first date” bit that got me.

Then there was one saying “because seats recline going higher than normal please make sure you have underwear on - this time!” She replied “spoil sport”. WTF was that about.

There were also messages about minor work issues where he replied “you are amazing” and “you are always welcome” and one where he put😍after the message.

So is this work banter or something else, there was nothing like this to anyone else. He has banged on for weeks about how I should trust him but if this is on his work phone what’s on his personal.

And to the people that kept telling me men and women can be friends would this make a difference to that opinion, I couldn’t see him sending this to a male friend.

OP posts:
LoudSnoringDog · 15/12/2025 15:07

I cannot think on what planet my DP would think it not only ok to go to the cinema with a female colleague, but to also be completely sexually inappropriate about it all. It’s just unfathomable that ANYONE would think this is ok behaviour

ifyoulikechocolate · 15/12/2025 15:12

didntlikeanyofthesuggestions · 15/12/2025 09:55

This could just be friendly banter between friends. You must know your DH well enough to know if this is the case.

On what planet? No workplace banter includes mentioning underwear. You have a very skewed view of what’s acceptable in the the workplace.

StephensLass1977 · 15/12/2025 15:13

I was with someone like this in 1998. He simply met someone else. He kept quiet too, as I was actually pregnant at the time, but it sounded a lot like this. Obviously all we had was Nokia mobile phones but it was obvious from the way he was acting. He went all weird and quiet. Yet lit up when talking about her. I too found very similar messages to what you've found. Including the underwear one. In my case it turned into a full blown affair and there was a huge fallout from it.

To answer your question - yes it is "something else". No man at work would dare talk to me like this.

Kingoftheroad · 15/12/2025 15:21

Hes a prick. One way or the other hes having an affair. Hes gaslighting you - I wouldn’t wait to confront him. When he comes in from work tell him you’ve seen the messages, demand to see his personal phone. If he refuses or shows you and there’s any doubt at all about the messages, fuck him right out of the door.

He’ll soon start singing like a budgie.

what a loser you deserve so much more than this as do your children

Crikeyalmighty · 15/12/2025 15:25

@Anon1234567891 it may well not be a physical affair - but he clearly wishes it was if it isn’t- he might indeed be getting all the buzz he needs from sleazy chit chat - for me though that would be a complete sign of lack of giving a shit about you or respect or kindness.- and why remain married if that’s what he needs to get a buzz in life.

OchreRaven · 15/12/2025 15:28

Anon1234567891 · 15/12/2025 14:34

Also if he supposedly loved me so much and didnt want anyone else why would he risk it for a few flirty messages!

Exactly this. If yours is the opinion that matters to him then why risk your trust and love to bolster some other woman that supposedly means nothing to him.

The truth is it’s not about her but rather the high it gives him to flirt and be ‘seen’ by another woman. He has lied to himself that there is no harm in it and he’s being friendly. But he doesn’t want to show you his messages because he knows it would hurt you. And whilst he has convinced himself that your hurt is irrational and he ‘won’t be told who he can be friends with’ the truth is actions have consequences. The consequences of his actions are you are understandably questioning your relationship.

If he continues to turn it around on you then I would ask him — would a man that loves me, rather I was left silently questioning my sanity and the man I married than take responsibility for his words.

His actions are not loving and if love is not also a verb what’s the point?

DJKATIE · 15/12/2025 15:31

Oh I really feel for you, there is no way that this communication between them is innocent, even just going out with her out of work time is an absolute no no. Give him an ultimatum tell him if he has anything to do with her whatsoever outside of work then the Marriage is over. Once again I am so sorry for you. I know it hurts like hell x

Iamuhtredsonofuhtred · 15/12/2025 15:33

This is not banter. I think I’m pretty chill about friendships, my partner has many female friends that he’s known for years and years and it wouldn’t occur to me to be jealous if they went out together BUT if I found messages like this I’d be absolutely devastated. Nobody sends messages like that unless you are shagging/want to shag. Do not let him minimise this.

Muffinmam · 15/12/2025 15:35

didntlikeanyofthesuggestions · 15/12/2025 09:55

This could just be friendly banter between friends. You must know your DH well enough to know if this is the case.

This is not friendly banter.

Married men who are faithful to their wives don’t take female colleagues out on date nights to the cinema.

SpinandSing · 15/12/2025 15:39

How awful - it's at least an emotional affair in the making if nothing else.

My heart goes out to you - you can't trust him. Don't feel ashamed of looking at his texts...this is on him for sending them, not on you for looking for them. Your instinct told you something wasn't right so don't allow him to deflect.

If I were you, I would start slowly coming to terms with what you need to do. Back away from him emotionally and plan what you need to do next. If he hasn't cheated on you already then he's certainly close to it and having the wrong kind of fun with a friend. He is capable of loving you but betraying you too. It doesn't mean he doesn't love you...but he clearly doesn't respect you if he's not keeping boundaries with other women.

Hogglehedge · 15/12/2025 15:45

Hi Op speaking from someone who has recently had the unfortunate experience of having just gone through this in August with my husband and work colleague- which i found out eventually -everything came out and was an emotional affair and photos exchanged - with a woman i had had huge suspicions over. this is not ok. At all. Its emotional affair territory. Flirting and not just banter. I had the same bs excuses.
Don't jump into things by having a go at him yet - monitor, keep checking his phone and you will find things . I also had the added stress with other work colleagues taking the piss out of the situation and of her liking him, and gossiping and laughing behind my back. Its been awful. My heart goes out to anyone going through this kind of thing.

Wait until you get evidence and get that evidence by taking photos with your phone and other ways or he will gaslight you and deny it all. It took me 3 months - and it all came out with my DH as i found that evidence and shit hit the fan. I really hope you are ok. 💜🫂

Nearly50omg · 15/12/2025 15:51

Anon1234567891 · 15/12/2025 09:59

Is joking about a first date, talking about someone’s lack of underwear and 😍 banter when he doesn’t do it with anyone else? To me it’s not. Would he have been happy for me to see these messages?

This was pretty much exactly what my husband was talking to his “friend” and colleague about. They were having an affair even though he claims they were just “friends” but they are now living together as lovers

Horses7 · 15/12/2025 15:51

Totally inappropriate, well done for finding the messages! YANBU at all. I would be livid!

Itsnotallaboutyoulikeyouthink · 15/12/2025 15:55

I mean if these are in teams and a manager saw them then it could been seen as highly inappropriate. So in that case it’s also inappropriate in your context. It’s an emotional affair at least and they can feel as real as an actual affair.

Hogglehedge · 15/12/2025 15:56

I just wanted to also add - if you can't access his phone due to pin - you either act normally and ask to borrow his phone as your "phone has died " and you want to look for something on amazon for a family member and ask him for the pin and see if he gives it you. If he does - write it down discreetly and quickly so you can memorise it. That's how I caught my DH out. I kept checking at random times and bingo. I found what i needed to see unfortunately.

I also wrote down the pin in my Samsung notes and kept it in secure folder so i had it memorised. Unfortunately this may not work for you but its worth a try . Depends what type of pin it is and if he gives it you . Another red flag is him squirming if you do this as if hes got something to hide.

PGmicstand · 15/12/2025 15:58

Anon1234567891 · 15/12/2025 09:59

Is joking about a first date, talking about someone’s lack of underwear and 😍 banter when he doesn’t do it with anyone else? To me it’s not. Would he have been happy for me to see these messages?

For me the test would be, would it be reasonable to send the same message to male colleagues? In this case, it's absolutely no.
It may be banter, but it's overstepping. And it implies he would take things further - even if he says they're just mates. I've never spoken to any of my mates like this.

Franpie · 15/12/2025 16:00

There’s something just off about him going to the cinema with a woman from work. My DH has female colleagues that he’s friends with. He has a drink with them after work sometimes, he’s even had dinner with them celebrating a big client win or promotion or something. But a cinema date? I would find that really really odd and strangely intimate. And that’s without the talk of sofa beds and no knickers!

mashandgravy · 15/12/2025 16:00

Please don't listen to the absolute morons who will tell you this is or could be innocent.

Here are the facts and the reality that everyone in their right mind knows, including you:

-Married, faithful men who respect their wives do not, and would not, go out alone with a female colleague, especially to a cinema.
-Neither do those men converse that way with a female friend/colleague, or hide innocent conversations from their wives.

It's just so boring to pretend otherwise. Why do it? Because we all want to appear sophisticated? Or are we all simply naive? It boggles the mind.

Yourlifeinyourhands · 15/12/2025 16:01

Even if he isn’t having sex, he wants to. He’s a prick and you should tell him what you know and tell him to fuck off. He can’t be trusted and you and your kids deserve better.

thepariscrimefiles · 15/12/2025 16:05

Anon1234567891 · 15/12/2025 14:08

The thing is I don’t know when he could be having a physical affair as he doesn’t really go out apart from to a hobby and I know where he is then. He comes home at lunch time, isn’t back late from work. Even the cinema trips are only every few months.
I do think it’s more than friends though and could be trying to head in the direction of something more. He was also put out when I wanted him to come on a family day out instead of a work outing that she would be on.

He's infatuated with her. He would rather go on a work outing with her than a family day out with you and his children.

My ex-husband booked annual leave but dressed in his work clothes and pretended to go to work, leaving and returning at his normal times. Never underestimate the deviousness of a married man in the heady throes of a new and exciting relationship.

Dancingdance · 15/12/2025 16:06

I hope you took photos of the Teams messages. This is flirting, not friendly chat.

Franpie · 15/12/2025 16:06

Hogglehedge · 15/12/2025 15:56

I just wanted to also add - if you can't access his phone due to pin - you either act normally and ask to borrow his phone as your "phone has died " and you want to look for something on amazon for a family member and ask him for the pin and see if he gives it you. If he does - write it down discreetly and quickly so you can memorise it. That's how I caught my DH out. I kept checking at random times and bingo. I found what i needed to see unfortunately.

I also wrote down the pin in my Samsung notes and kept it in secure folder so i had it memorised. Unfortunately this may not work for you but its worth a try . Depends what type of pin it is and if he gives it you . Another red flag is him squirming if you do this as if hes got something to hide.

Edited

There’s an even better way if you can get hold of his unlocked phone in the first place and he has an iPhone….

You can add your face to his FaceID in settings. So the phone will open on his face AND your face.

(I learned this via my sneaky DD who added her face to my FaceID and it took me months to figure out how she was getting into my phone to alter the screentime settings on her phone)

ChloeMorningstar · 15/12/2025 16:12

didntlikeanyofthesuggestions · 15/12/2025 09:55

This could just be friendly banter between friends. You must know your DH well enough to know if this is the case.

not sure if anyone has replied to this, but

“because seats recline going higher than normal please make sure you have underwear on - this time!”

is not friend banter, unless same sex close mates ribbing each other

Edit: sorry this has been open on my browser for a while, I see i am not alone :-)

KievLoverTwo · 15/12/2025 16:13

Anon1234567891 · 15/12/2025 14:08

The thing is I don’t know when he could be having a physical affair as he doesn’t really go out apart from to a hobby and I know where he is then. He comes home at lunch time, isn’t back late from work. Even the cinema trips are only every few months.
I do think it’s more than friends though and could be trying to head in the direction of something more. He was also put out when I wanted him to come on a family day out instead of a work outing that she would be on.

"The thing is I don’t know when he could be having a physical affair as he doesn’t really go out apart from to a hobby and I know where he is then"

The old cinema trope of colleagues shagging in the broom cupboard is a trope for a reason - because it actually happens.

He could be calling in sick with a headache, coming home for lunch and then going back and claiming recovery, for all you know.

You'd likely find that he'd suddenly come up with a new hobby to attend if he actually manages to get in her knickers.

My OH and I have the same phone pin, and whenever we want to do something on the other person's phone, we just pick it up, take it to whichever room we need to use it in, then bring it back when we're done. Usually for CC approvals and stuff like that. For the most part, we don't even ask why the other person wants the phone, we just take it. We also have password management software that we share, so we can get into one another's email, tax records, bank, supermarkets, the whole shooting match. Mostly for the sake of household admin management, because it's easy, and because there's never been any question of a lack of trust.

We're not even married.

You're being gaslit.

Maybe he's only flirting for attention and an ego kick, but it reflects poorly on him.

I'd be gone by tomorrow.

whatisthegoddamnholdup · 15/12/2025 16:21

OP II Have a good male friend, meet for coffee, conema etc however we would never in a million years message each other like that, absolutely never, we are both married and have been friends for 15 years, those messages are not banter, it’s flirting.