Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

“D”H, cinema, female colleague- update messages

981 replies

Anon1234567891 · 15/12/2025 09:47

A couple of months ago I posted about DH going on the odd cinema trip with a female colleague/friend and how on the most recent trip I felt weird/jealous about it. I didn’t think there was anything physical but didn’t know if it was a bit more than friends and felt that he didn’t prioritise going out with me so was annoyed he was going out with her.
We talked and initially he was sympathetic and said he didn’t want to upset me but I asked if he would show me his phone messages to her and he was defensive and cross and wouldn’t even though he said there wasn’t anything “inappropriate”. There were a couple of other things I found he had hidden from me not directly related to this which I was annoyed about but we tried to move on.

But it still bothered me that he wouldn’t show me his messages so the other day I decided to look at his work phone as I couldn’t see his personal one and found these messages on teams.

Relating to the cinema he sent a picture of one of those double lie down beds you get at some cinema’s and said “we could have done sofa bed but a bit OTT for the first date” - it was the “first date” bit that got me.

Then there was one saying “because seats recline going higher than normal please make sure you have underwear on - this time!” She replied “spoil sport”. WTF was that about.

There were also messages about minor work issues where he replied “you are amazing” and “you are always welcome” and one where he put😍after the message.

So is this work banter or something else, there was nothing like this to anyone else. He has banged on for weeks about how I should trust him but if this is on his work phone what’s on his personal.

And to the people that kept telling me men and women can be friends would this make a difference to that opinion, I couldn’t see him sending this to a male friend.

OP posts:
LoudSnoringDog · 15/12/2025 13:23

This isn’t friendly banter. It’s completely inappropriate discussion considering HE IS MARRIED.

Newyearawaits · 15/12/2025 13:26

Wishimaywishimight · 15/12/2025 10:09

Oh come on, he's talking about his "first date" with another woman and her wearing (or not wearing) underwear. It's hideous for you OP but he may as well be parading around with "I'm having an affair" tattooed on his forehead.

Do not allow him to make a fool of you.

This 100pc
He is having an affair OP
Don't let him gaslight you
He is lying

C8H10N4O2 · 15/12/2025 13:27

Anon1234567891 · 15/12/2025 10:55

I can’t look at his personal phone as I don’t know his PIN. In some ways it does seem to be coming more from him than her apart from some laughing emoji’s but there must have been some point where she said about not having underwear on for those comments. And she doesn’t seem to have shut it down. And on the odd occasion I have been out with them on works nights out including recently and she knows this is going on behind my back. I work with a lot of men and we chat and go on occasional works nights but nothing like this.

What makes me so angry is in the last few weeks he keeps saying he loves me, doesn’t want anyone else but also making out I’m the one being unreasonable.

I didn’t really want to confront him before Christmas as he will know I’ve looked at his phone and probably go mad and I didn’t want it being spoiled for the kids. But it’s being spoiled for me having it hanging over me.
I did think maybe it could be an ego boost, just a bit of fun but the fact he says nothing inappropriate has gone on is obviously a lie!

I work in a male dominated sector and have had to travel a lot for work. I often go out for dinner or sometimes simply socially in the evenings with male colleagues. Not once have any of them commented or messaged anything more exciting than confirming the time of the booking or opinions on the venue or to ask if there is room to add X to the booking.

Don’t make a scene at his work - keep your plans to yourself, think through what you need to do and have organised and find good advice if ultimately you need to end things. Then when you are ready and organised - that is the time to let him know, preferably via solicitors.

AwfullyGood · 15/12/2025 13:28

I work on a mainly male environment, good friends with some of them and plenty of banter.

This is far from banter. Your husband is a cheating liar.

Branleuse · 15/12/2025 13:28

Anon1234567891 · 15/12/2025 09:47

A couple of months ago I posted about DH going on the odd cinema trip with a female colleague/friend and how on the most recent trip I felt weird/jealous about it. I didn’t think there was anything physical but didn’t know if it was a bit more than friends and felt that he didn’t prioritise going out with me so was annoyed he was going out with her.
We talked and initially he was sympathetic and said he didn’t want to upset me but I asked if he would show me his phone messages to her and he was defensive and cross and wouldn’t even though he said there wasn’t anything “inappropriate”. There were a couple of other things I found he had hidden from me not directly related to this which I was annoyed about but we tried to move on.

But it still bothered me that he wouldn’t show me his messages so the other day I decided to look at his work phone as I couldn’t see his personal one and found these messages on teams.

Relating to the cinema he sent a picture of one of those double lie down beds you get at some cinema’s and said “we could have done sofa bed but a bit OTT for the first date” - it was the “first date” bit that got me.

Then there was one saying “because seats recline going higher than normal please make sure you have underwear on - this time!” She replied “spoil sport”. WTF was that about.

There were also messages about minor work issues where he replied “you are amazing” and “you are always welcome” and one where he put😍after the message.

So is this work banter or something else, there was nothing like this to anyone else. He has banged on for weeks about how I should trust him but if this is on his work phone what’s on his personal.

And to the people that kept telling me men and women can be friends would this make a difference to that opinion, I couldn’t see him sending this to a male friend.

I would be so furious and upset that he has tried to gaslight you while flirting and going on dates with his colleague.
I wouldn't trust him Op. He acted sympathetic and listened to you and it just went in one ear and out the other. He didn't give a fuck.

I'd tell him that you've seen the messages and you don't give a fuck about any of his excuses now because he's shown you that he will lie directly to you with a straight face and tell you you're crazy.
He called it a date. You knew it was a date. What the fuck is he playing at?
If he wants to play with fire, then set fire to all his stuff

Leftsidefacing · 15/12/2025 13:28

Its not workplace banter and its deeply inappropriate to be texting about beds, underwear and dating on a work number.

He wouldn’t do any of this, including going to the cinema and sending things like ‘you’re amazing’ and heart emojis, with a male colleague, would he?

I’ve been married 25 years and if my DH did this I’d get rid.

PInkyStarfish · 15/12/2025 13:30

My husband would be launched into space never to return if I had found those messages

No that is not acceptable banter from and with a married man.

Appledrop · 15/12/2025 13:35

This is far from lighthearted banter, and you know that. He clearly hopes their relationship will develop into something meaningful and enduring, as shown by his comments about the first date and the mention of underwear. As many have pointed out, it's essential for you to get your affairs in order now, so you aren't caught off guard if he decides to end things with you, or you with him. You really ought to confront this issue now, as many have advised, or you risk burying your head in the sand. The relationship has already crossed a line, and you are aware of that reality.

Mary28 · 15/12/2025 13:44

I have good male friends in work and we would never talk to each other like that so I dunno, it is possible it's a specific type of humour they have going but on the face of it, it sounds inappropriate to me.

CoatiCutie · 15/12/2025 13:45

I worked in a very male dominated environment - I'm really good mates with some of the guys (track days etc), and in general I have a lot of guy friends (grew up with three brothers!) - this would be totally inappropriate with any of my guy friends... but I am even more conscious about what I say to friends from WORK... like I'm sorry you would not risk saying this even if you thought it was innocent (it's not) because of the power you'd be giving someone else to ruin your life with HR...

TidyCyan · 15/12/2025 13:47

CoatiCutie · 15/12/2025 13:45

I worked in a very male dominated environment - I'm really good mates with some of the guys (track days etc), and in general I have a lot of guy friends (grew up with three brothers!) - this would be totally inappropriate with any of my guy friends... but I am even more conscious about what I say to friends from WORK... like I'm sorry you would not risk saying this even if you thought it was innocent (it's not) because of the power you'd be giving someone else to ruin your life with HR...

That's the thing, right? He may be instigating but he also has the kind of connection with her where he knows she won't report it to HR.

Blump2783 · 15/12/2025 13:54

I have work mates that I have crude banter with but that would be in a group setting or group chat. Maybe some chat privately at a much more innocent level but I wouldn't be hiding the chat from my husband.
I am usually quite dismissive of posts on here about work wives but I don't like the messages you posted, especially after your husband got all defensive and wouldn't let you see the chat.

Crikeyalmighty · 15/12/2025 14:04

Anon1234567891 · 15/12/2025 12:43

I had thought about turning up with a load of his stuff at his work and dumping it outside then telling him what I know but I’m not normally one to make a scene.

The trouble with trying to carry on as normal for the kids is if I’m moody or unhappy they just think I’m the one who’s miserable because they don’t know why.

If you don’t intend to save it - and I don’t know your circumstances then this is time to exhibit your best acting skills for 2 weeks, get the ducks in a row whilst he doesn’t suspect you are aware , and inwardly have a giant ‘fuck you’

Original poster
Anon1234567891 · 15/12/2025 14:08

The thing is I don’t know when he could be having a physical affair as he doesn’t really go out apart from to a hobby and I know where he is then. He comes home at lunch time, isn’t back late from work. Even the cinema trips are only every few months.
I do think it’s more than friends though and could be trying to head in the direction of something more. He was also put out when I wanted him to come on a family day out instead of a work outing that she would be on.

OP posts:
PersephonePomegranate · 15/12/2025 14:10

Anon1234567891 · 15/12/2025 09:59

Is joking about a first date, talking about someone’s lack of underwear and 😍 banter when he doesn’t do it with anyone else? To me it’s not. Would he have been happy for me to see these messages?

No, it's not.

Men and women can be friends, but that means no lirting, no innuendo,no blurred lines.

If he's not physically cheating now, hes intending to. The prick.

Wordsmithery · 15/12/2025 14:11

The underwear comment is an opening gambit which he's hoping will encourage more flirty conversation.
He knows exactly what he's doing, OP. Oh and he's gaslighting you too. Sorry.

bigboykitty · 15/12/2025 14:12

didntlikeanyofthesuggestions · 15/12/2025 09:55

This could just be friendly banter between friends. You must know your DH well enough to know if this is the case.

Don't be so ridiculous!

Greenwriter76 · 15/12/2025 14:14

Anon1234567891 · 15/12/2025 09:59

Is joking about a first date, talking about someone’s lack of underwear and 😍 banter when he doesn’t do it with anyone else? To me it’s not. Would he have been happy for me to see these messages?

No it’s not. Totally inappropriate IMO. Sleazy from him as a married man. Sorry OP.

IsawwhatIsaw · 15/12/2025 14:14

If it’s not an already a full on affair he clearly wishes it was. Sorry op

LoudSnoringDog · 15/12/2025 14:17

Anon1234567891 · 15/12/2025 14:08

The thing is I don’t know when he could be having a physical affair as he doesn’t really go out apart from to a hobby and I know where he is then. He comes home at lunch time, isn’t back late from work. Even the cinema trips are only every few months.
I do think it’s more than friends though and could be trying to head in the direction of something more. He was also put out when I wanted him to come on a family day out instead of a work outing that she would be on.

People find a way.

VikingsandDragons · 15/12/2025 14:19

Plenty of people have been known to drop their hobby and use the time for an affair, or use time when they're away with work etc. They find a way. His messages aren't respectful to his relationship at best, but they do read like he wants a relationship with this woman if he isn't already. You'd never describe a cinema trip as a first date unless that's exactly what it was.

ThisAutumnTown · 15/12/2025 14:20

Just sit him down and say “I found out everything. I’m giving you 2 minutes to explain or you’re gone” and then sit silently for 2 minutes and watch him freak out and tell on himself. Make sure to put a timer on your phone. If at 2 minutes he doesn’t admit anything, ask him to pack a bag.

That’s what I’d do but I will not tolerate any sort of flirting/inappropriate messages. I’m extremely rigid when it comes to monogamy and marriage and what you’ve said would already be an absolute end for me.

tartyflette · 15/12/2025 14:28

secretrocker · 15/12/2025 12:12

You really think men aren't friends with, and have banter with other men?
And spending time with, going out together, etc?
The majority of male friendships including private time is with other men, including balding, beer gut types.
You just don't notice it because you're not worried about it.

Show quote history

Spectacularly missing the point. It is not the sex of the person(s) messaging, or the social occasions, it’s the content of the messages.

Leftsidefacing · 15/12/2025 14:29

I agree with the poster who said the mention of cinema beds and underwear is an opener to taking it further than cinema and friendly appreciation.

He’s gone far enough with her that he knows she won’t report him to HR so he’s initiating sex talk as the next step in what is already an inappropriate relationship.

He doesn’t have to be having a full blown physical affair (that seems to be your sticking point) for you to see him for the sleazebag he clearly is and end the marriage.

Tink3rbell30 · 15/12/2025 14:32

It's very strange how they never make friends with 50 year old Dave in work?!