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Original poster

“D”H, cinema, female colleague- update messages

981 replies

Anon1234567891 · 15/12/2025 09:47

A couple of months ago I posted about DH going on the odd cinema trip with a female colleague/friend and how on the most recent trip I felt weird/jealous about it. I didn’t think there was anything physical but didn’t know if it was a bit more than friends and felt that he didn’t prioritise going out with me so was annoyed he was going out with her.
We talked and initially he was sympathetic and said he didn’t want to upset me but I asked if he would show me his phone messages to her and he was defensive and cross and wouldn’t even though he said there wasn’t anything “inappropriate”. There were a couple of other things I found he had hidden from me not directly related to this which I was annoyed about but we tried to move on.

But it still bothered me that he wouldn’t show me his messages so the other day I decided to look at his work phone as I couldn’t see his personal one and found these messages on teams.

Relating to the cinema he sent a picture of one of those double lie down beds you get at some cinema’s and said “we could have done sofa bed but a bit OTT for the first date” - it was the “first date” bit that got me.

Then there was one saying “because seats recline going higher than normal please make sure you have underwear on - this time!” She replied “spoil sport”. WTF was that about.

There were also messages about minor work issues where he replied “you are amazing” and “you are always welcome” and one where he put😍after the message.

So is this work banter or something else, there was nothing like this to anyone else. He has banged on for weeks about how I should trust him but if this is on his work phone what’s on his personal.

And to the people that kept telling me men and women can be friends would this make a difference to that opinion, I couldn’t see him sending this to a male friend.

OP posts:
Freeme31 · 15/12/2025 12:50

Completely inappropriate and disrespectful to you. Can you copy the messages and show him, or better still save all the inevitable arguments and walk this will show you are serious and will stop them both making such a fool out of you. His reaction will be the most telling

piscofrisco · 15/12/2025 12:50

Anon1234567891 · 15/12/2025 09:59

Is joking about a first date, talking about someone’s lack of underwear and 😍 banter when he doesn’t do it with anyone else? To me it’s not. Would he have been happy for me to see these messages?

No. Obviously not. Come on.

AmyDuPlantier · 15/12/2025 12:52

I don’t really understand what you’re asking. He’s obviously in a relationship with this woman. They go on dates and she turns up with no underwear on.

I’m sure you’d rather it not be true but unfortunately it is; being in denial and hoping this is just slightly inappropriate banter is a ship that sailed long ago.

OchreRaven · 15/12/2025 12:53

Ultimately it doesn’t matter if he thinks talking to another woman like this is just banter you don’t. You don’t need to explain why it’s not appropriate. He knows you feel uncomfortable with his ‘friendship’ and he’s done nothing but aggravate the situation.

Tell him you have seen messages between them and you are heartbroken. Don’t explain what you have seen or how. Don’t give him any more information (for all he knows she could have sent them to you). Let him worry about the future of your relationship. Take time to think about what you want and tell him he needs to do the same.

Maybe it’s all an ego boost at this stage but it’s disrespectful and hurtful. If you allow it you are showing him that you value his presence in your life over your self respect.

Apocketfilledwithposies · 15/12/2025 12:53

Is his phone a pin you type in, or a finger print sensor?

Those messages on his work phone are not appropriate. You know that op.

I'd still try to get more proof though personally.

Thecup · 15/12/2025 12:56

Even if nothing physical has happened it’s still completely inappropriate and incredibly disrespectful to you. Does he have this type of ‘banter’ with you? Does he joke with you via message about not wearing underwear? This is not ok and I would not joke like that with anyone (but especially someone married) how old are your children? It is unfair that you have found these messages but are now worried about him being angry with you for snooping. Please remember that if he had been open you would not have needed to look. That is how much he had messed with your head. If you can keep it under wraps until after Christmas that would be best for the kids but if not don’t beat yourself up - you have not caused this

HighlyUnusual · 15/12/2025 12:58

This is so inappropriate, it's fallen off the edge!

Banter about underwear and not wearing any? I have many male friends in the workplace, and a couple I see out of work, and I would avoid this type of banter like the plague, because we are not in a relationship and I wouldn't want their partners to think I was interested in!

I agree with whoever said this ship has sailed. Totally inappropriate and would be splitting up territory for me, I'd kick him out, start divorce. Completely shut it all down. Not even beginning to be acceptable. Who cares if they have actually had sex- he's thinking, planning and she's up for it (no-one goes on 'dates' at the cinema with a friend)?

There is a small chance that if you react very strongly to this, this might bring him to his senses, and he will immediately stop, be contrite and see why this is a complete overstep. But I'm not hopeful, because he (and you to some extent) think this is kind of acceptable in a relationship.

I have lots of male friends and colleagues by the way, so I'm not speaking from the 'men and women can't be friends' perspective- but these two are more than just friends.

Spookyspaghetti · 15/12/2025 12:58

didntlikeanyofthesuggestions · 15/12/2025 09:55

This could just be friendly banter between friends. You must know your DH well enough to know if this is the case.

Come now. I have good male friends and we certainly don’t joke about each other’s knickers! I’d find it awkward and uncomfortable if a colleague ‘friend’ messaged me about putting knickers on. Definitely goes beyond ‘bants’ and, even if it was how pathetic, do people have to be to try and fit in with this toxic nonsense?!

BlueWorkDay · 15/12/2025 13:00

I have lots of male friends, including work friends.

  1. I wouldn't go on anything that looks or feels like a 1:1 date with any of them. Pop for lunch? Sure! Three hours in a cinema? Nah.
  1. I am always VERY conscious of their partners (and my DH), I ask after them, encourage male friends to invite their partners, send family Christmas cards. I actively want them to know that I am "safe", I am not threat to them.
  1. If this was my DH, I don't think I could forgive him. I'm not sure I could face separating immediately, but things would not be the same and I'd be planning my exit.
Whatsthatmadflippergoneandflippingdonenow · 15/12/2025 13:02

OP, I have dearly loved male friends of many years and not EVER would they text me something like that.

HighlyUnusual · 15/12/2025 13:02

You should also come at the angle that this is completely inappropriate for Teams conversations, does he want to have a session with HR? What if she complains?

The fact he's not willing to share his messages and his personal phone, it's so obvious what's going on.

I couldn't personally contain it til after Christmas but I'm a very confrontational person, but then I wouldn't be happy with cinema 'date' thing anyway, so the fact he's lining up for an affair or already having one would be irrelevant, I simply would not accept cosying up to female colleagues. My husband has many female friends but he doesn't talk about underwear with them! None of their messages are hidden from me and I'm always welcome to come along.

He needs the shock of losing you and losing his family.

What a pillock.

ProcrastinatorsAnonymous · 15/12/2025 13:02

Although it’s a very difficult thing to do, I think it’s ducks in a row time.

Look up threads on here about how to get your affairs in order to be able to leave - so if that’s what you decide, you are ready. It will feel less overwhelming once you have a plan - and then your decision to stay or end it won’t be influenced by as much fear.

I wouldn’t necessarily give in to the catharsis of letting him know what you’ve found until then. You will be in a much more powerful position if you have an actual plan for how you would walk away.

Any more info you gather will be useful. Has he had his work Xmas party yet?

KoalaKoKo · 15/12/2025 13:04

Nope comments on not wearing underwear are definitely not banter - it is flirtatious and indicates and emotional and possibly a physical affair. I have had a ton of work colleagues who I have gone for drinks with, slagged off and had general banter - never commented on underwear!

Personally I would wait until xmas is over so as not to ruin it for the kids and then kick him to the kerb. As people have said get all paperwork etc in order in terms of financials etc…

OneShyQuail · 15/12/2025 13:08

Why would anyone put up with total disrespect from a partner, labelled as "banter".
If you are with someone in a relationship you should not be flirting or getting kicks from attention from elsewhere. Why cant he take you to the cinema and talk like that with you?!
There was a post on here the other day about things giving you the ick. This type of stuff is it for me.
Invest your time and energy and flirting and banter with your partner, they should do the same. Everyone else should be firmly friend zoned with no ambiguity.

Hotchocolateandmarshmellow · 15/12/2025 13:08

I am an extroverted female and will have lots of banter with male colleagues. However I am happily married and even if I was single I would not message anything like what you have read OP.

It’s completely inappropriate and has massive red flags for me

Cardinalita90 · 15/12/2025 13:10

Totally unacceptable, and I have plenty of male friends i see 1 on 1. Were these sent after you told him how you were feeling insecure? If so, double slap in the face. He's probably bought her a Christmas present too.

Beenwhereyouareagain · 15/12/2025 13:14

Piknik · 15/12/2025 11:03

To all those saying this might just be banter, do fuck off.

OP - you do not have to be 'cool' with your DH flirting with someone to the point of discussing not wearing underwear. You do not have to be ok about them going on a 'date' to the cinema. He is literally dating someone else in plain sight.

I am not uptight. Have lots of male friends and happy for DH to maintain his female friendships - I actually welcome the fact that he gets a female perspective on things and isn't some neanderthal who only surrounds himself with testosterone - but COME ON!

Take screenshots
Sit with this for a few days and decide what you want to do. But do not approach it with any doubt. You know what it is - physical or not, he has crossed a line - so approach it just as you would any other sort of betrayal.

Edited

It's a good idea to document the chat, but if you take screenshots, they may be saved to his camera roll. Take photos with your phone, and save 3 copies - 1 to cloud storage, 1 to a folder in your personal email, and one to a locked or hidden folder on your hard drive. Even better, print them out for when you confront him. Give a copy of everything to someone you trust.

I'm really sorry that you have to deal with this. The sheer entitlement would make me crazy. He'll likely try to put the blame on you for looking at his work phone, but his over the line behavior and refusing to show you his personal phone made you more suspicious that he's been lying to you. It is squarely on him, and so are the consequences.

"First date" my ass!

Furiousbaker · 15/12/2025 13:15

didntlikeanyofthesuggestions · 15/12/2025 09:55

This could just be friendly banter between friends. You must know your DH well enough to know if this is the case.

That’s what I was thinking. My husband goes out with a male friend of his every couple of weeks and he’s always messaging ‘don’t forget your kecks this time, Jim’ - all perfectly innocent

Velvetgoldmine · 15/12/2025 13:15

When is their works xmas party? Are you going to it? If not, be on the lookout for little and big clues, from warning you that he may be late home, to not coming home at all. Please dont waste your life on this idiot.

PleaseVipersHelpMe · 15/12/2025 13:18

Love I’m so sorry this is happening to you. You know in your bones that this is completely inappropriate but he’s gaslit you that much you’re questioning yourself. He’s behaving very badly indeed, as is the woman.

Having been through something similar, I can only advise you to brace yourself for many more lies and denial. He’s been convincing himself for as long as this has been going on that it’s just harmless bantz and it’s likely going to take a very long time for him to be able to admit to himself what a scumbag he’s been. I’d hazard a guess that only the prospect of losing you will knock some sense into him. I know better than most what a difficult, painful prospect that is right now when you’re still in utter shock so don’t rush to make any decisions until you’re feeling better.

I really hope you’re ok op. Try and look after yourself as best as you can. Is there anyone in real life that you can talk to about this?

ThatCleverCoralCrow · 15/12/2025 13:18

I think that's flirty banter, there's sexual chemistry there at the least.

ThatCleverCoralCrow · 15/12/2025 13:20

Just to add, I wouldn't be ok with it and would probably suspect more is going on. It's disrespectful to you also.

shuggles · 15/12/2025 13:21

@Anon1234567891 You and your DH know that management can read his Teams messages, right...?

Daygloboo · 15/12/2025 13:21

Anon1234567891 · 15/12/2025 09:47

A couple of months ago I posted about DH going on the odd cinema trip with a female colleague/friend and how on the most recent trip I felt weird/jealous about it. I didn’t think there was anything physical but didn’t know if it was a bit more than friends and felt that he didn’t prioritise going out with me so was annoyed he was going out with her.
We talked and initially he was sympathetic and said he didn’t want to upset me but I asked if he would show me his phone messages to her and he was defensive and cross and wouldn’t even though he said there wasn’t anything “inappropriate”. There were a couple of other things I found he had hidden from me not directly related to this which I was annoyed about but we tried to move on.

But it still bothered me that he wouldn’t show me his messages so the other day I decided to look at his work phone as I couldn’t see his personal one and found these messages on teams.

Relating to the cinema he sent a picture of one of those double lie down beds you get at some cinema’s and said “we could have done sofa bed but a bit OTT for the first date” - it was the “first date” bit that got me.

Then there was one saying “because seats recline going higher than normal please make sure you have underwear on - this time!” She replied “spoil sport”. WTF was that about.

There were also messages about minor work issues where he replied “you are amazing” and “you are always welcome” and one where he put😍after the message.

So is this work banter or something else, there was nothing like this to anyone else. He has banged on for weeks about how I should trust him but if this is on his work phone what’s on his personal.

And to the people that kept telling me men and women can be friends would this make a difference to that opinion, I couldn’t see him sending this to a male friend.

You need to split up. Dont even bother to discuss it. Thats massively disrespectful.

MoominMai · 15/12/2025 13:22

Well its definitely banter - just of the sexual type and so of course inappropriate if he’s already in a relationship.

It sounds like testing the waters/boundaries type of chat where one of the friends wants more but knows it’s inappropriate so they need to give the other party a way to lean in as a way of figuring out of if they’ve got the green light to have an affair basically.

Sorry you’ve been put in this horrible situation 😕

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