“D”H, cinema, female colleague- update messages

[Anon1234567891]

A couple of months ago I posted about DH going on the odd cinema trip with a female colleague/friend and how on the most recent trip I felt weird/jealous about it. I didn’t think there was anything physical but didn’t know if it was a bit more than friends and felt that he didn’t prioritise going out with me so was annoyed he was going out with her.
We talked and initially he was sympathetic and said he didn’t want to upset me but I asked if he would show me his phone messages to her and he was defensive and cross and wouldn’t even though he said there wasn’t anything “inappropriate”. There were a couple of other things I found he had hidden from me not directly related to this which I was annoyed about but we tried to move on.

But it still bothered me that he wouldn’t show me his messages so the other day I decided to look at his work phone as I couldn’t see his personal one and found these messages on teams.

Relating to the cinema he sent a picture of one of those double lie down beds you get at some cinema’s and said “we could have done sofa bed but a bit OTT for the first date” - it was the “first date” bit that got me.

Then there was one saying “because seats recline going higher than normal please make sure you have underwear on - this time!” She replied “spoil sport”. WTF was that about.

There were also messages about minor work issues where he replied “you are amazing” and “you are always welcome” and one where he put😍after the message.

So is this work banter or something else, there was nothing like this to anyone else. He has banged on for weeks about how I should trust him but if this is on his work phone what’s on his personal.

And to the people that kept telling me men and women can be friends would this make a difference to that opinion, I couldn’t see him sending this to a male friend.

Of course he wants it “all done and dusted” so he can be left to get on with what he wants to do

I’m getting a strong vibe of disrespect off of him. He needs to be explaining himself, apologising and telling you what he’s going to do to resolve it (or not as the case sounds like). Starting with not keeping on messaging her!

Hi op, I hope you're managing to get some sort of relief at times, your brain must be frazzeled, and your body knackered.

So much information pumping through your head, ok many on here know their stuff although their circimstances maybe have been different, you've invested many years in this union and it's going to take a long time to detatch. Your instincts are trying to protect you, your confusion and innability to make quick decisions are there protecting yourself and the children from the unknown, you don't yet have the full facts. Yes you know he's being cruel, heartless, led by someone elses influence but you do not yet know his intentions, or hers.

I've known many women in these situation hold back from quick exits and divorces to make sure finances were locked down, I mean considering how he is chancing his whole life and marriage at the moment, it doesn't bear thinking about how under the influence he is with this woman, he may make some dire decisions financially, even placing her above his own children.

This may pass, her influence may receed, how long has he known/worked with her ? because this frison will have always been there slowly changing and comparing his thoughts towards you.

What will not pass is this episode will be burnt into your brain, the totallly callous way he has disregarded your feelings, he's either completely dumb or he's a sadist.

Try not to feel pressured by pp's, only you know the level of support you have for this battle, you have to regain your strength first and at the moment he is giving you continual body blows each and every day, make no mistake this is abuse and he has a cheerleader in the form of this woman, she doesn't give a shit about you and she doesn't fear you, do not expect any mercy at the moment, they are as thick as theives.

Her husband ? God knows, does she wear the trousers, wouldn't surprise me , she seems unconcerned about his feelings, he's either affraid of conflict with your h or he's that secure and screwing behind her back, who knows but he's not offering too much support for you.

Where you need to get to, financial advice, get it sorted slowly but surely, start ammasing that information, have you much support ?, family, have you opened up to anyone.
And please go grey rock, you must understand that acceptance means severing the connection, I know you are trying desperately to keep that connection alive but it's killing you. You will reach that day when you say that's it, you will no longer share my bed, my body, my mind and you will never see me look at you with love again.

He has pushed you to this, this is the ultimatum, in your mind, the very real cut off point whereby, you will stop monitoring, will stop watching and stop hoping he will understand, this acceptance is unbelievably hard and so many on here have gone through this, sometimes without the decision being theirs, sometimes the decision was forced upon them.

All you have written is normal behaviour for a woman in pain and confused by a husband turning on them, you are normal ! the couple who are bullying, undermining and abusing you are not normal, though they have told themselves they are.
They are wicked, totally beneath you and that is ultimately what you need to understand is that you are very much better in every way than these two sub humans in your life, you must distance yourself from their cruel games.

Take care.

The fact that he got angry with you and wouldn't show you the texts on private phone confirms it's inappropriate, crossed lines,not innocent banter...I'm sorry you are going through this,but don't accept being treated like this. And don't let him get into your head and convince you that this is a you problem,not a him problem....

Honestly? You don’t need “proof” to end it. He is not making you happy, end of. His behaviour is contributing to it even if he hasn’t physically cheated (I bet he has though). Keep up the therapy and move on with your life away from this man.

Absolutely this.
There's no deadline for deciding on a course of action except one of your own choosing. You don't have to jump immediately.

Don't issue ultimatums unless you have a back up plan or have sussed out what will happen if he accepts or rejects the ultimatum and have got at least some of your ducks in a row.

Assess the RL support that you do have ( trusted family or really trusted (not mutual) friends)
You said you have a therapist.. Talk it through with them first - even doing that - starting to research your options properly - will make you feel more in control of the situation and give you more confidence.

Protect yourself and Do not tell him anything until you have fully decided.
I think you are still trying to come to terms with what is going on which is not easy it's ok to take time to make your mind up fully so that you are confident in your choice. d

Can you take some time off for yourself to get away for a day or two to think about things?

Just picking up on a small point. A good therapist would no way tell you that she/he thought your husband was having an affair. That’s way outside their remit and is unethical professional conduct.

Please find a better therapist to help you work through this. I wish you luck.

No this is not banter.
If they aren't in a physical affair yet they soon will be.

There is a good reason why he wouldn't show you his phone. I suspect there were more but which have since been deleted.

@DuckbilledSplatterPuff

I agree, not many have the luxury of making snap decisions, those with money, those with absolute support or those who are young enough to not be worried about the future as much.

Take your own time op, even those irl, there will be many who do not understand the level of your grief, instability and insecurity, so be careful who you take advice from, people can be well meaning but unless they have direct experience their advice can be bluster.

You are still at the amasing information stage of his deceit, disloyalty and betrayal, a clearer picture will emerge but his actions up to this point shows a very cruel man indeed.
You must also keep yourself safe, a cruel man with no empathy can turn into a very angry man.

Hi op this is a horrible situation to be in but the ow could have a different phone which her dh isn’t seeing. Op at the end of the day if it’s not physical it’s emotional and it’s odd to go the pictures with work colleagues of the opposite sex if you already have a partner. I’ve worked with both men and women who cheated and most of it was during the work day. If you can’t afford to move it’s even harder as your mental health will suffer and he really doesn’t give a shiny shite ow means more to him he won’t reassure you so what options do you have but he definitely doesn’t respect you.

He is cheating and I think you know it by now . Kick him out , you deserve better

He's living the dream isn't he? A faithful devoted wife at home washing his dirty underpants, and the excitement of a work colleague for flirting/emotional connection and dates to the cinema without her underwear.

I have no idea what you're fighting so hard to save, because he sounds like a very cruel man to be doing this to you.

@Anon1234567891, you know what normal, emotionally balanced people do?

I once worked in one of those magical teams where you all become best friends, go out together, talk about your personal lives and so on. Loved it and all my colleagues. I was particularly close to one man. Nothing untoward, though I'd be lying if I said I wouldn't have gone there under other circumstances! He was engaged.

One day he told me his fiancée had seen a photo of us together at a work event, and wasn't happy. Looking at the photo, I saw what she'd seen although she was wrong about the implication. So we said to each other it was sad, but we'd have to step back from each other. No more drinks or coffees just us two, keep the chat general, and he wouldn't stay out late if I was in the group.

And so it was. That simple. I went to their wedding.

People who care about you don't fuck with your feelings.

You're waiting for him to admit to something, or to convince you that it's nothing. Waiting for him. What about what you want? You're unhappy. You believe he's cheating in some way. You don't trust him. He's not putting you first. He doesn't care that you're unhappy.

You can tell him to move out. You can make that decision without absolute proof from him.

Never stay in a relationship that turns you into a Poundland James Bond. Looking and looking and checking and asking your friends and watching his phone. It’s the saddest way to live and It will destroy your sanity.

These messages are extremely inappropriate and indicate more than a friendship. If he wants to go to the cinema why can't he take you? You need to confront him and lay down boundaries, if he doesn't respect them then you may have to consider your marriage. You might want to consider counselling first?

If you’re waiting for him to admit responsibility you might need therapy to help you move on without closure. A lot of abusive, narcissistic cheater type of men never admit to it even when there’s irrefutable proof - my ex did exactly the same.

Why would he ever take responsibility whe he very smugly has deleted any evidence and you won’t actually leave him unless he himself admits it??

He’s got it made.

You don't really have an ultimatum to give OP. He's made it very clear who he is, and what behaviour he thinks is acceptable and he's not going to change that. He's also clearly showing you who he thinks you are, trying to distract with a bunch of flowers and nice little holiday. The amount of gaslighting by him is unreal, is this how he always is?

You have been sucked into this drama he's caused and id bet money he enjoys it a bit, it's adding to the thrill as he gossips with his coworker. Meanwhile you're messaging OW, OWH, discussing with friends and therapists. You must feel like it's all consuming you. The question of; has he? Hasn't he? Or will he ever? Don't really matter anymore, and you may never truly find out.

Instead try asking yourself; has he disrespected you? Has he made you question your self worth? Has he broken your trust?

I understand you might not feel like you can exist without him financially or otherwise. But you can, it's just that your world will change with it. Sounds like it'd be for the better too. Your husband is an insecure, self involved parasite.

I’m sorry you’re going through this. It must be difficult and I think honestly it looks like at the very least (without any other evidence) these are flirty messages that are way over the line. Your husband should be apologising to you at the bare minimum.
Not sure if this has already been said as I haven read all replies, but if this were me and they’re clearly deleting messages and you need evidence, I would try make it look like it’s forgotten (of course it isn’t), get some false sense of security for him and check then as they’re bound to start messaging again if this is what they’re up to. I’d also be making moves to leave, getting money saved up and contacting a divorce lawyer to have all the information I need to hand. But only if you think you’d be ok to wait and pretend as it is upsetting.
But I’d also say that you need to make sure you’re looking after yourself, talk to someone neutral like you have been.

I’d also like to add that your husband does seem to be more interested in painting you to be the bad person, before he’s even interested in apologising to you and seems manipulative. It upsets me to read that you feel you need evidence to break up with him or you’re worried he will make you out to be the bad person to your own children. This is not how a relationship should work, he sounds awful if I’m being honest. And you deserve happiness. If you want to leave him, you shouldn’t have to worry about being made to look any way. It’s your life and you deserve happiness.

A therapist should not be sharing their opinion on this matter - are they properly qualified OP?

No one wants to throw their marriage away if it can be saved, but for me, it feels like you would live a more peaceful life without him.

One thing I've noticed from the experiences of women who've left husbands who were either angry a lot or orbiting other women, is how calm their nervous system now is. How that anxiety just gets released and they can be at peace.

I don’t think he's a good man OP. I think he was knowingly dancing close to the flame, enjoying the flirtation, the chemistry between them, the novelty of doing that with a new person. That isn't the action of someone who's in love, appreciates and respects their partner.

Are you sure she knows you actually exist OP? I would not be happy with this at all.

You need to get a solicitor. They can be paid from final separation proceeds once everything is sorted. They need to advise you on how to get him to leave. Eventually, probably, the house will be sold and proceeds divided. You need to not be with someone who is treating you this badly. A good solicitor will advise next steps.

Oh and forget about your ‘dh’ and what he thinks. He is irrelevant.