“D”H, cinema, female colleague- update messages

[Anon1234567891]

A couple of months ago I posted about DH going on the odd cinema trip with a female colleague/friend and how on the most recent trip I felt weird/jealous about it. I didn’t think there was anything physical but didn’t know if it was a bit more than friends and felt that he didn’t prioritise going out with me so was annoyed he was going out with her.
We talked and initially he was sympathetic and said he didn’t want to upset me but I asked if he would show me his phone messages to her and he was defensive and cross and wouldn’t even though he said there wasn’t anything “inappropriate”. There were a couple of other things I found he had hidden from me not directly related to this which I was annoyed about but we tried to move on.

But it still bothered me that he wouldn’t show me his messages so the other day I decided to look at his work phone as I couldn’t see his personal one and found these messages on teams.

Relating to the cinema he sent a picture of one of those double lie down beds you get at some cinema’s and said “we could have done sofa bed but a bit OTT for the first date” - it was the “first date” bit that got me.

Then there was one saying “because seats recline going higher than normal please make sure you have underwear on - this time!” She replied “spoil sport”. WTF was that about.

There were also messages about minor work issues where he replied “you are amazing” and “you are always welcome” and one where he put😍after the message.

So is this work banter or something else, there was nothing like this to anyone else. He has banged on for weeks about how I should trust him but if this is on his work phone what’s on his personal.

And to the people that kept telling me men and women can be friends would this make a difference to that opinion, I couldn’t see him sending this to a male friend.

Sounds like you are married to a creep or a cheater 🤢

I don't think it matters if you have a proof of an affair or not. His disrespect and disloyalty to you is enough. He's being an arsehole and you deserve better.

Haven’t read the full thread sorry but can you anonymously report each of them separately to HR for inappropriate language and behaviour in the workplace.
Add screenshots.

Then bin him off

Sorry for what you’re going through OP but it would be interesting to understand what you’re looking for from this thread? 800 messages telling you almost the same thing and yet you haven’t really moved on from your very first post. If you don’t want to LTB I suggest drawing a line under this sorry mess and moving on from it as I can’t see how your current approach is helping you.

Aw OP reading this made me feel abit sick. My ex was cheating on me with a colleague from work. Gaslit the shit out of me for years, gave it all the ‘sorry for having a friend with a fanny’ when in fact he was sticking it there so.. yeah this brings a lot of feelings to the surface for me. Quite simply, someone who truly loved and respected you wouldn’t behave like this with another woman even if there was no physical ‘cheating’ going on. In my book if it crosses boundaries for you and makes you uncomfortable, it’s cheating. I appreciate you have a long history and kids involved and I can’t imagine how much more difficult that makes this situation, but please please consider if you really want to stay with this man. I’ve been in your shoes, you will never fully trust him again.. it’s shit and it takes a lot of guts but when you do eventually find the strength to leave you’ll wonder why you didn’t do it sooner ♥️

It’s difficult to move on in any way when he refuses to take any responsibility but I guess it is ultimatum time.

@Anon1234567891 this post is incredibly frustrating to read. You need to make your own decisions and act upon them. Stop waiting for your partner to tell you how to feel. You don’t need more’evidence’ or an admission. You have been shown who he is and what he’s like. Now make your own mind up about whether or not you love him still and can live with the shit he’s peddling. That is all you need to know. And you know it already. Because it’s your own feelings. Who cares what other lies he wants to tell you. He does not treat you well and he sounds horrible. Why would you want to drag this out? You are responsible for you. You cannot make another person behave in a way they don’t want to. You cannot insist another person tells you the truth if they want to lie. You have power only over yourself.

Be very careful about issuing an ultimatum unless you have the full intention of carrying it out. Because if you don’t you will further undermine yourself.
Do your homework, get legal advice first too.
Don’t feel pressure from posters frustrations.

You have to move on by either accepting the situation as he clearly doesn’t see anything wrong and has no intention or you end the marriage. Have you asked if he is wanting an open marriage as that’s what it effectively is if you decide to stay with him. You have to accept that for all it is otherwise it will eat you up and drive you crazy.

It’s a behavioural thing with narcissists and abusers / cheaters - they are not accountable for their behaviour and will never accept responsibility for it. The problem will always be you, according to him. That way he shifts responsibility like the shifty shit he is!

If the ultimatum is that he admits it or you leave OP, he won’t. If the ultimatum is he cuts contact or you leave, he won’t but might just pretend he has. I think unless you are prepared to just put up with it then you have no choice than to walk away. Someone who is happily going about his day treat you with utter contempt has no motive to change. Really sorry OP, it must be awful, but the decision has to be yours not his, he’ll just lie.

You’re very brave OP, but it’s the only way to resolve it. He either wakes up and gets his act together or he stands to get his life upended. This is hard to do, hard to remain calm. Plan ahead what you want to happen, when he will have accomplished this by and what will happen if he doesn’t and/ or flat out refuses. Write it down to steady your nerves and avoid him interjecting and pushing at boundaries during the discussion.

I had a look on a couple of infidelity websites and found a couple of useful bits and pieces:

A poster on a forum said something like this is less aggressive than ‘ do this or else…’ :

“This ongoing relationship with this person makes me question your commitment to me and our marriage. I recognize there are issues in our relationship and think WE should discuss them and try to fix. We can do this together and/or with the help of a professional, but not with one-sided conversations involving a third-party. If you cant do that then MY belief in us and our marriage will diminish, leading to an inevitable divorce."

Also from Mary Berger, a family and marriage therapist:

“An ultimatum is a powerful response to such a situation. It can be enough of a shock to break the spell and force your spouse to begin to think rationally again, and to weigh the real price he or she is paying for continuing a relationship with the other person.
However, the ultimatum only works if you are completely ready to follow through. It is something that needs to be well thought out and not rushed into. It is important to understand where it is coming from. Are you making a serious statement about your limits? Are you ready to back this statement up? If you say you are going to move out, or get a divorce, or otherwise limit your involvement with your spouse, are you really ready to do that?
Or are you giving the ultimatum in the hopes that it will give you control over the situation, not really intending to follow through? If so, it is important to understand that being still in the trance (of his relationship with the other person,) your partner may not take the threat seriously. Action is the only thing that they might be able to understand.”

Good luck OP, it’s about time he realised he doesn’t hold all the cards here and woke up before he trashes his life over some silly woman at work.

He will not take any responsibility. If he hasn’t up to now, he’s not going to just suddenly start taking responsibility, regardless of what ultimatums you give him.

The ball is very firmly in your court. Accept who he is or break up. You’re not going to change him.

You send a message to both of them to tell them that they are welcome to each other and how fucking disrespectful it is of both your husband and his female friend to book dates and in the back row of the cinema and joke about ‘putting on underwear this time’. I would finish by saying - Dave pack your bags and stop gaslighting your wife - I have supported you through thick and thin and raised our kids and you are behaving like a horny teenager on the back row in the cinema with a woman who is not your wife and telling me I shouldn’t get upset and telling me I’m crazy. Emma - you know he was married and you too meeting my husband in the back row of the cinema and both of you joking to remember to put you underwear on next time. How respectful and vomit inducing. He’s all yours.

You must know at the very least he is disrespectful and wanting to cheat and loving it - I’d throw a grenade in and turn around walk away. How dare they.

TAKE CONTROL and tell them your marriage is over. Wankers

Seconded.

Thirded

There's no point giving an ultimatum if you can't follow through on it OP.

He seems to know that you are stuck no matter what you do, so I'd only press the ultimatum button when you are ready to split and go your separate ways, I'd work on making that possible.

There is a reason he isn't admitting things and that is because he likes things just the way they are, he knows you are unhappy yet won't/can't leave, he knows he can keep an inappropriate relationship going with her as you are ultimately not going to do anything about it, you are obviously blaming yourself for some part of this and he is latching on to that.

I hope you find the means to leave, no one should have to put up with this sort of behaviour from the person who is supposed to love them.

All of this is totally unacceptable. My DH would not be going to the cinema with any woman from work and would be out on his ear for first date and no knickers comments. Why do so many women accept their DHs cosying up to women at work? Just no.

None of this is banter. This is an affair in the early stages.

I am super super laid back. I don’t get jealous ever

However as soon as he wouldn’t show you his phone is a red flag!!!!

Those messages are downright disgusting.

Are you waiting for him to admit it?

I wouldn’t bother with an ultimatum. Tell him his actions have eroded your trust in him. You have waited to see whether he would take responsibility on his own but as he hasn’t you have come to the realisation that even if he did all the things he should have done from the start to reassure you, you would not believe him now.

Tell him you are out. No longer an option for him so if he wants to continue to message her he doesn’t need to delete them anymore. He can be single or he can go act as a step father to her kids. Not your concern. He has treated you with disrespect and prioritised his ‘friendship’ over your relationship. That is enough for you to end things.

If that doesn’t make him sit up and think then nothing will. But you have to be willing to follow through on all of that. If you aren’t there yet then bide your time and get all the information you need so when you are fed up with it all you are well prepared.

My gut is telling me it’s a full blown emotional affair with constant messaging, flirting, confiding in each other about their crazy partners who are irrationally jealous whilst loving the ego rub they get from having a two people wanting their attention.

Taking yourself out of the equation and showing him that he has gone down in your estimation and is no longer wanted by you really takes the shine off their inappropriate friendship.

Seriously, there is literally no way this is normal workplace ‘banter’.

This, op.

Also it isn't "just" banter: they are literally going without you and booking the sofas and both alluding to the fact it is inappropriate - even for a "first date" so what about a non-date?!

Who goes to the cinema and ends up talking about wearing underwear next time because of the reclining seats?

The word banter can get stretched further than bubble gum at times.

Hi OP,
What concerns me after reading all your posts is the complete lack of remorse in his behalf. If you love someone and realise that you have caused them hurt/upset then you would be genuinely sorry and do anything to make them feel better.
Only guilty people delete messages.
In order for you to move on I feel you need complete honesty and that involves having full access to his phone, whenever you want, without question. Me and my husband use each other's phones all the time and know each others passwords. If there is something on my phone that I wouldnt want my husband to seen then it means its inappropriate and I shouldn't be doing it, vice versa!!!
Its utter bullshit to say you're being over sensitive or its just banter etc. If he genuinely loves and cares for you he will put an end to this stupid emotional affair and give full transparency.
You need to ask yourself if you want to spend the rest of your life with someone who couldn't give two shits about how their actions make you feel.

Yes, I also posted.

I recall lots of pp being vociferous about uptight, clingy partners, how it is fine to have the friendship and not include you etc etc but tbh your update doesn't surprise me, I'm sorry. It felt off to me back then - and even more so after your update.

I'd be booking another sofa and going along in a wig I think! Flush it out.