“D”H, cinema, female colleague- update messages

[Anon1234567891]

A couple of months ago I posted about DH going on the odd cinema trip with a female colleague/friend and how on the most recent trip I felt weird/jealous about it. I didn’t think there was anything physical but didn’t know if it was a bit more than friends and felt that he didn’t prioritise going out with me so was annoyed he was going out with her.
We talked and initially he was sympathetic and said he didn’t want to upset me but I asked if he would show me his phone messages to her and he was defensive and cross and wouldn’t even though he said there wasn’t anything “inappropriate”. There were a couple of other things I found he had hidden from me not directly related to this which I was annoyed about but we tried to move on.

But it still bothered me that he wouldn’t show me his messages so the other day I decided to look at his work phone as I couldn’t see his personal one and found these messages on teams.

Relating to the cinema he sent a picture of one of those double lie down beds you get at some cinema’s and said “we could have done sofa bed but a bit OTT for the first date” - it was the “first date” bit that got me.

Then there was one saying “because seats recline going higher than normal please make sure you have underwear on - this time!” She replied “spoil sport”. WTF was that about.

There were also messages about minor work issues where he replied “you are amazing” and “you are always welcome” and one where he put😍after the message.

So is this work banter or something else, there was nothing like this to anyone else. He has banged on for weeks about how I should trust him but if this is on his work phone what’s on his personal.

And to the people that kept telling me men and women can be friends would this make a difference to that opinion, I couldn’t see him sending this to a male friend.

A married man should not be going out one on one with another woman. With a group of friends or colleagues fine, but not alone. That’s obviously inappropriate and likely to arouse suspicion. Let alone those messages.

He needs to stop going out with her and stop contacting her except for work matters. block her. If he wants it done and dusted. I’ve known a wife do similar.

If he loved you he would want to prove himself to you and allay your very reasonable fears with drastic action. Demand it.

I’m sorry OP, he’s 100% screwing you over and thinking he can get away with it.

It was a difficult lesson for me to learn, but if there’s no transparency then there is a reason for it. He doesn’t want to show you his devices because he knows what he’s doing is not appropriate. You need to decide whether or not you want to issue an ultimatum on this.

If you’re in touch with the woman’s husband I’d check with him whether or not he looked into the notes, WhatsApp conversation backup or phone usage. They might be using a different app for all you know. I was very surprised to learn people cheat using shared notes, for example.

Men and women can be friends

But I assure you, I have and would never, speak to any male friend of mine in this way.

How awful for you. I’m glad you found those messages. So disrespectful of him. He’s getting carried away and needs a sharp shock.

In your situation, I would VERY CALMLY tell him you have evidence of his inappropriate behaviour with this work colleague.Tell him, as far as you’re concerned the marriage is over. If he asks what the evidence is, tell him that’s your business but if he really wants to try and help himself he can start by showing you the WhatsApp messages between him
and her. He won’t and tell him you thought as much and that’s further proof of why he can’t be trusted. Tell him you want a divorce and his Mother will be the first person who sees your evidence.

Trust is everything and he’s betraying you. He may realise what he’s about to lose and change his behaviour and stop messaging her/ going out with her but how can you trust him when he will still work with her?

You can do this. Please do it calmly. It will unnerve him.xx

OP - I'm so sorry to read all this. When you come to this new and then read the whole thread, your pain is tangible. Maybe that's what DH needs to do?

I think that you need to apply Occam's Razor, boil it down to essential facts and take simple steps forward, and your therapist can help you do this, but only you can decide what you want.

If it were me I would want this over, done. Either he changes job and has this woman out of his marriage, or he goes with her and leaves the marriage. But that's me, you need to decide how you feel about the 3 of you in your marriage.

Good luck and best wishes.

He’s gaslighting you and doesn’t care how you feel. If he was serious about reassuring you , he would minimise contact with her for the sake of your marriage.
It’s over whether or not there has been an affair because he doesn’t care about you.

This.

Even if it's nothing, and your H isn't having an affair, it's just the fact that he knows that contact with this woman causes you distress, yet he still continues...thats just fucking cruel.

I would be speaking to a solicitor, getting all the finance information sorted, debts, joint account holdings and don't hide what you're doing. If he asks, tell him it's none if his business...see how he likes it when you have secrets too.

At least your 'secret' will be helping the future you, should you decide to separate.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. He sounds a cruel person to put you through this, knowing he's hurting you but not apologising and giving you access to his phone.

BTW, did you tell OW husband about the missing teams messages from her side of the chat...the underwear comment etc, as it sounds like hes not seen that?

OP I do feel for you, but monitoring both their what's apps and teams is really not good for your sanity. You policing his phone activity won't stop him doing whatever he intends to do, and if you do manage to monitor him closely enough that he can't find a window to message or meet her.. that's not really a win is it?

I hope you can resolve this one way or another but driving yourself mad over his phone isn't the way

Find out what benefits you're entitled to as a single parent. You might be able to afford the house and bills.

Are they still going on dates as well as messaging?

They both have spouses who are upset about their relationship but they really don't care.

OP, you can’t move on, it would be emotionally impossible as your husband is gaslighting you. PP, who said your husband is right about moving on and saving your marriage is also perpetuating emotional abuse. You cannot move one in any sense of trust or respect when your husband is still texting this woman. The fact they are both in contact is galling and so very disrespectful to both spouses.
OP, you are not mad or unable to see the truth. The truth is in front of you and your husband is distorting it. That is why you feel so off kilter. I send lots of support to you. I was in a similar position and know that to walk from this takes strength but you can and when you get over the emotional abuse, you again will sleep well, eat well and laugh again. X

This guy sounds like my first husband, many many years ago. I was young and stupid. It wasn't until later that I realised he was trying to force me to leave the house because then he could go around telling everyone that I left him. He thought that left him looking like the victim (sympathy) PLUS he thought it would count for a lot in the property settlement.
I don't know your situation but think about it like that. You need to make sure you are telling your family and close friends what's happening now. I'm not saying it will count in property settlement but he may well think it might.

Every time I've seen this before, the woman has believed she is waiting for definitive proof (in the face of mountains of evidence her husband doesn't give a shit about her), and/or is trying to save the marriage - when actually she is just giving her husband time to get HIS ducks in a row, and when he walks out she is blindsided.

Don't do that, OP. Take your fate in your own hands.

This marriage is done, because he cares more about another woman than he does about your feelings. It's now only a question of who ends it.

I agree with a PP - start the divorce ball rolling as secretly as you can.

OP, my heart goes out to you. You are NOT going mad, but you will feel like you are. That’s because there’s a disconnect between what he’s telling you (and you desperately want it to be true) and what your subconscious knows (that his assurances don’t add up or align to his actions. You will second guess everything he says and perform mental gymnastics to try to make the pieces fit together but they don’t.). This will tear you apart. It already is.

I wish I could shout this loud enough. You DON’T need to put up with this until you magically stumble across some definitive proof. Even if you found it, he’d just talk his way out of it. I did it for five long years. It destroyed me. By the time it came out (he did eventually admit it) I was a shell of the person I used to be.

Staying with him for those years is the biggest regret of my life. I didn’t need proof. I made excuses about not being able to leave, staying for the DCs’ sakes etc, but really I was so desperate for things to go back to how they had been before that I sacrificed everyone’s happiness (the DCs and my own).

Take a step back. This is about YOU now. You have to prioritise yourself rather than your marriage because he has proved he won’t ever do that. Talk to your therapist and work on getting yourself into a position where you feel strong enough to boot him out. Good luck x

That's not normal friendly banter. Whether he admits it or not, he's being emotionally unfaithful.

I know I'm a bit late to this but it doesn't matter what he says or thinks. He's a cheating horrible man, husband and father and you should make your own decisions. Even if it was all innocent, he's doing nothing to understand how you feel and make you feel reassured..

Unless the subject was really niche, something that bored you stupid, or a group work team outing why isn’t he taking YOU to the cinema?
Haven’t read the full thread but it’s obvious he is being unfaithful. Big girl pants on and pack his bag. You deserve better.

I’m sorry op but the only way this would be done and dusted for me would be when he changed his job and went completely no contact with her forever, then you can try and put it behind you.
If he won’t do that for a 25 year marriage then there’s your answer, he’s picking her friendship over his marriage. He knows how unhappy you are about this and what he can do to change that yet he doesn’t care because he’d rather you be unhappy than he end what is quite obviously an emotional affair.

He'd rather lose you then lose contact with her. What does that tell you, deep down?

I’m so sorry OP. I think the trust has gone and it’s very very hard to come back from that, especially when he doesn’t seem to be taking it seriously.

Clearly not banter,he is cheating.

Not sure if this has already been said, but there is a very real possibility that he is trying to drive you nuts with this so that you lash out and look “crazy”/like the bad guy.

If I were you, I would try as hard as you can to detach from it. He absolutely is doing what you think he’s doing. No need to doubt yourself, no need to shout about it. You can laugh in his face at his excuses. Keep calmly repeating the simple facts that are the reason you don’t believe him.

Just because you can’t leave, that doesn’t mean you have to play his stupid games and let him wind you up.

(Giving you flowers in these circumstances is also a sign on guilt).

Oh OP 😥 .

I am very good friends with a man at my sports club - we get on really well. We hang out outside the sport too, but only with other people present. We would certainly not go to the cinema together on our own. There's never any flirty bantz. I am extremely careful to check that things are ok with his wife, and have made friends with her as far as she wants to. She's a wonderful woman and I have a lot of respect for her

My ExBF had a female friend I knew about. An "old friend" going back to schooldays. They met up whenever he was home visiting family in his home country "for coffee", and now it turns out that they were sleeping with one another for at least 2½ years before he finally ended it with me, and she's now his girlfriend. I knew something was wrong and different but closed my mind to it. I even knew he'd fucked her before getting together with me, but wanted to be the cool girlfriend. To be honest even if I'd put my foot down and insisted he didn't see her again, he's such a massive liar and cheat that he might well have said yes, he'd stopped seeing her, but carried on shagging her. It has absolutely destroyed my mental health for the time being.

I'm not telling you this to make it about me. I'm telling you it as a warning. There's a MASSIVE difference between levels of "friendship"

So he’s now blocked you from teams so that you can’t see any messages! That’s not the actions of a husband who has nothing to hide is it!
Together with his lack of apology and him minimising what he’s done and how it’s making you feel, how can you even look at him, let alone sleep with him or going away with him!
The trust is gone and he doesn’t seem to give a shit how you’re feeling.

Underwear talk = red line