“D”H, cinema, female colleague- update messages

[Anon1234567891]

A couple of months ago I posted about DH going on the odd cinema trip with a female colleague/friend and how on the most recent trip I felt weird/jealous about it. I didn’t think there was anything physical but didn’t know if it was a bit more than friends and felt that he didn’t prioritise going out with me so was annoyed he was going out with her.
We talked and initially he was sympathetic and said he didn’t want to upset me but I asked if he would show me his phone messages to her and he was defensive and cross and wouldn’t even though he said there wasn’t anything “inappropriate”. There were a couple of other things I found he had hidden from me not directly related to this which I was annoyed about but we tried to move on.

But it still bothered me that he wouldn’t show me his messages so the other day I decided to look at his work phone as I couldn’t see his personal one and found these messages on teams.

Relating to the cinema he sent a picture of one of those double lie down beds you get at some cinema’s and said “we could have done sofa bed but a bit OTT for the first date” - it was the “first date” bit that got me.

Then there was one saying “because seats recline going higher than normal please make sure you have underwear on - this time!” She replied “spoil sport”. WTF was that about.

There were also messages about minor work issues where he replied “you are amazing” and “you are always welcome” and one where he put😍after the message.

So is this work banter or something else, there was nothing like this to anyone else. He has banged on for weeks about how I should trust him but if this is on his work phone what’s on his personal.

And to the people that kept telling me men and women can be friends would this make a difference to that opinion, I couldn’t see him sending this to a male friend.

Op he is never going to give up the phone,
But you know deep down, he knows you know and is hoping your not going to do anything about it, ' he knows your upset and onto him ' of course he does, he is very confident isn't he op,

The question is now, What will you do now, balls in your court now,
Are you going to live like this , never knowing ' waiting for the next time, never being reasured,

You deserve happiness op,

I've just read through the thread, and I know how you are feeling. I understand how hard it is to uncover something that makes you question everything and be on the brink of your life imploding. I'm sorry it's happening to you.

Your last update - he says he wont give you his phone because of principle? Fuck him, honestly. That is absolutely disgraceful. Punishing you because of something he has done? Unbelievable. Also the menopause comment in an earlier post - RAGE. Is he being smug with it?

He must stop talking to her. No questions asked. Stop ALL contact with her. It has disrupted your peace. If he loves and respects you, he will do it.

You've had such good advice here - these same posters have helped me more than they could ever know. Please, please listen to them. They know. They've been there, and unfortunately have the t-shirt that none of us wanted. Do not stand for this in your marriage. You are worth so much more. Sending love.

Because it is not innocent and hes enjoying the control he has over you. He's an abuser.

Having been through very very similar as I said, I would be contacting a solicitor first thing with the intention of divorce, once I had my ducks in a row I would share the divorce with him and tell him to do one. Regardless. His abuse will get worse.

Even if you think you cannot financially afford to leave. You can.

@FourAndFive thanks, I read your thread too, how are you doing now? Thanks all, I also spoke to someone IRL today and showed them the messages and said what had been going on and they agreed that they could see the messages were flirty and inappropriate no matter what the context was, and also agreed that the underwear comment they couldn’t see how else that could be interpreted and didn’t by the bus story. Also agreed that if he was apologetic and admitted wrongdoing then maybe we could get past it but if he wasn’t then could see that it would be hard to move on.
I know what I need to do but it’s hard as I can’t afford to move out without my share of the equity and he will be a nightmare to live with if I say I want to separate.

You don't have to be reasonable about it. He's brought this about, he can be the one to go and rent a flat while you sort out the release of equity and you can move on. I know you can't technically chuck him out but with all his things on the lawn what else can he do? Seriously, fuck him. We can all see through his croc of shit.

@Drowningincokezero I just don’t think he will move out especially while he’s still maintaining his innocence and also I can’t afford the bills on my own

Have you shown her husband the messages? Because he should be aware of all this too. I mean if they aren't bad than why not? In fact if they aren't bad then he should be fine with anyone, including his boss because he was using work communications on company time.

Honestly though OP he doesn't respect you at all. And it doesn't matter how much worse his messages are, you know who he is now and why would you want to stay? He has form for lying and is trying to make you look crazy and jealous. A man who loves his wife would protect her at all costs. He is instead trying to harm you and succeeding. I hope you find your anger soon and realize you are worth more than this useless twat of a man. You may be worse off financially, but the peace in your soul will be worth it.

And also the person I spoke to today agreed I wasn’t being over sensitive, paranoid, crazy or the menopause

I will bet she didn't say "scary".

Apparently it was my reaction to her saying they are just friends and me asking how she would feel about the messages if she was in my position. It didn’t seem like she thought I was scary on the message but who knows.

She wants your DH to comfort her and protect her from his big scary wife. And he’s clearly picked his side. I’m sorry OP, but this sort of language to him is deliberate. She is making you seem crazy and unreasonable to keep their relationship close and drive further a wedge with you.

This wasn’t the “ow” this was a different female colleague that he’s been talking to about our issues, apparently she was the one that said it might be the menopause.

This 100 trillion %
Please OP - listen to the women on this post who have been thru this crap - it’s the same script every time.
I was you 18 mth ago.
Posted on MN for advice re my husbands “emotional connection” with woman at work, obviously it wasn’t physical because he often struggled with ED and he simply was not the type and he had a plausible explanation for everything.
I came off MN for a while because over 90% of MN were telling me to open my eyes and they believed it WAS physical and I ABSOLUTELY KNEW IT COULDN'T BE.
I got into that phone.
Over 90% of MN were correct.
He’d been shagging her with Viagra for 4 years.
Your husband is having a full on affair.
Why have you still not got into that phone.

I bet OW husband knows far more than OP

He won’t be able to maintain his innocence once you’ve accessed his phone AND spoke to OW husband.

It's definitely not innocent. Time to confront the elephant in the room and make a choice.

It's right there in plain sight but you still can't see it.

Your H is having an affair and he's gaslighting you - which he'll continue to do until he can get the OW to offer him a roof over his head.

They already separated once and then reconciled. He will be more interested to know what is going on now.

Seriously OP? Surely you can't be this naive?!!!! Your husband is CHEATING on you!!!! I would have left my partner for way less than this! Talking to another woman about wearing underwear and going on dates with her?? I am shocked at how gullible you've allowed yourself to be.

Hey op
Speaking from someone who has just gone through this all the replies are so spot on and apt in my situation also. Its still raw here and things are still ongoing that aren't good and im tempted to contact the ow on off husband to potentially find out more but im scared. I really hope you are ok and all the others who have posted their stories. It really is a shit situation to be in and you have done NOTHING at all. Absolutely nothing. Ignore his gaslighting ass script talk they all do the same!!! including mine. Its amazing how they all are so similar. After reading more replies on here(I think i replied further up thread) ive been liking comments, they are all so spot on . I know how hard this is. I wouldn't believe anything he says. They all need awards for lying. Dont believe the bs hes said about her either. Mine told me she is just a bit "full on" and just a friend. Id knew for weeks. Your intuition never lies. I just wanted to send some more hugs and you aren't alone. xxx

Did he tell you she thought your messages were scary or did she herself?? If your husband said this not her don’t believe a word he’s said. He’s trying to make you think you are crazy

I did contact the husband of ow and he has had the same suspicions as me, showed the the messages and agrees it’s more than friendly but has checked her phone and can’t find anything other than normal chat. Which I find strange considering as this.

Omg op why are you finding it strange, of course ow is and will filter the msg so it looks ok, come on op both h and ow are being clever here ,

So she's 'clever' enough to delete the dodgy messages, but your H either isn't clever enough or doesn't care about being caught (because he knows he can tell you it's nothing and you believe him).

I just thought ow husband would have found something if there was something to find. He said no deleted messages. One thing I also found strange, there was no communication about the previous cinema trip apart from about snacks her DH said which I find odd if you are arranging things. There were big gaps on the teams chat which I thought was strange even from a work point of view so wondered if it could have been deleted. And considering the recent activity I find it strange that there wasn’t any other jokey messages. There was also an email from ages ago titled Thankyou smiley face from her and he said welcome with no other context which I thought was odd.