“D”H, cinema, female colleague- update messages

[Anon1234567891]

A couple of months ago I posted about DH going on the odd cinema trip with a female colleague/friend and how on the most recent trip I felt weird/jealous about it. I didn’t think there was anything physical but didn’t know if it was a bit more than friends and felt that he didn’t prioritise going out with me so was annoyed he was going out with her.
We talked and initially he was sympathetic and said he didn’t want to upset me but I asked if he would show me his phone messages to her and he was defensive and cross and wouldn’t even though he said there wasn’t anything “inappropriate”. There were a couple of other things I found he had hidden from me not directly related to this which I was annoyed about but we tried to move on.

But it still bothered me that he wouldn’t show me his messages so the other day I decided to look at his work phone as I couldn’t see his personal one and found these messages on teams.

Relating to the cinema he sent a picture of one of those double lie down beds you get at some cinema’s and said “we could have done sofa bed but a bit OTT for the first date” - it was the “first date” bit that got me.

Then there was one saying “because seats recline going higher than normal please make sure you have underwear on - this time!” She replied “spoil sport”. WTF was that about.

There were also messages about minor work issues where he replied “you are amazing” and “you are always welcome” and one where he put😍after the message.

So is this work banter or something else, there was nothing like this to anyone else. He has banged on for weeks about how I should trust him but if this is on his work phone what’s on his personal.

And to the people that kept telling me men and women can be friends would this make a difference to that opinion, I couldn’t see him sending this to a male friend.

I think you’ve got me mixed up with another thread but it is similar

Oops , sorry.

You won’t “just get past this” -
If he has nothing to hide then it won’t be a problem. ( I will bet my house he is having a full on affair)
If you are serious about finding out (and confirming that he is lying to you) …
And if he is serious about wanting to “… reassure you …”

For starters, get him to hand over his phone. You would like to look at his messages, call log and photos.
Go thru it with a fine tooth comb. Ask him for you to view it alone.
Texts, watsapp and emails (also check sent emails and deleted emails along with folders he’s set up within the emails - it was here that I eventually found out that my husbands affair was physical and not just emotional as he was trying to convince it had been.)
Check out his contacts, she may be stored under a different name.
Photos: look at recently deleted and tap on the “hidden photos icon”
Any photos of places that may look innocent - swipe up and check where and when the picture was taken. Also go to photos shared activity and see who he’s shared what with.
Watsapp - tap on her profile picture - view “media, links and docs” - see what he shared with her beside the tickets for the back row of the cinema!!
Also check on this profile page for : Disappearing messages ? Lock chat on ?
What date did they 1st connect on watsapp ? I Bet it was in her previous job when they worked together years ago.
On the main watsapp screen - swipe down from Archived - if he’s got locked chats on - you will see it here above Archived.
Google maps is a good one too - it will give you a list of places he has searched for directions, you know - hotels …. “….. Cinemas” …
Check out his statements on his bank accounts…. Especially the credit card he hid from you.
Obviously, he will give you his passwords and let you put your Face ID on his phone to unlock it for future reassurance. If the only thing he did wrong (and it isn’t) was send sexual flirty messages - then he has crossed major boundaries and he will do what he can …. to reassure you.
Best wishes OP. It’s the worst pain ever.

He hands over his bloody phone asap@Anon1234567891 . If he’s using the messaging app, hit Edit top
left corner and recently deleted stuff will appear. WhatsApp is nigh on impossible, there’s a hidden folder and you can hide the folder too. Screen time in settings shows you which apps he’s used when, and for how long. If he’s been on WhatsApp every five minutes for ages but he’s hardly had any visible new messages, he’s been deleting or hiding. WhatsApp settings will tell you what he’s got enabled or not, there’s ’show Hidden Folder’ etc.
Settings/General/ iPhone Storage shows you which apps are using how much storage and when they were last used.
Get app and phone savvy with a few questions to Google, then ask to see his phone, tell him people with nothing to hide, hide nothing. He’s forfeited the right to privacy at the moment.

This!!

This kind of man would deny it if you caught him in bed with her. I’ve seen it happen on here. You know what he’s up to. It’s plain as day. He’ll never admit it. Don’t let his lies give him power over you. Plan your future based on what you believe , and to hell with his bullshit.

First time reading this thread and it was painful..

The guy is a creep and you keep choosing to ignore that.
Leave before you spent the next 2, 5, 10 years off your life doing this same crap with him..

You don't need proof!!! What he's done (that you know about) is enough to LTB!

His doesn't respect you, his kids, or his life as a family unit.

The disrespect is the closure!

Do better, for yourself, and your kids. Please leave! He will put you through hell, so get as much advice as possible and document/report everything.
Your future self will thank you for it.

Can you believe he is now talking about us going away for a couple of days, he just thinks it’s all forgotten about and brushed under the carpet and trying to sweeten me up by being all nice, until the next time!

That’s exactly what he’s doing, he’s trying to distract you from what he’s done 💐

Please don't just go along with this plan OP. Don't agree to the pretence it's all fine when it isn't. Tell him this isn't good enough when he is cosying up to another woman. Be brave. Have a look at the chump lady website - full of stories about people will cheating partners who realised it said much more about their partners than about them.

If you do get a chance to look at his phone you can still find dodgy things - if you look in the photo album and the deleted photos or hidden photos. Also if you look on WhatsApp for again for photos deleted or messages hidden or archived.
messages sent, emails binned, also go to write a text message and most frequently texted contacts will come up
Recent searches in ChatGPT and recent searches in Maps

This sounds a bit like mentionitis on his part, can’t stop himself talking about her.

I reckon ask to see their messages, if they’re recently deleted when you know they’ve had allegedly innocuous past exchanges then you’ve got your answer - there was something to delete that he didn’t want you to see, if they’re damning then you have your answer and if they’re totally innocuous and dating back years then you have your peace.

What have you got to lose?

I understand your ABSOLUTE NEED for the truth.
He’s not giving it because he 100% believes that will be the end of your marriage.
Not every man wants to sail into the sunset with AP.
After 27 years together, my husband continued to convince me for 3 months that
he’d had a very strong connection with OW - not physical (he struggles with ED so how could it have been ….)
He ended his “strong connection” the day he admitted to me about the “connection”. He shit himself and thought he was out the door.
I kept digging - found out it had been physical (Viagra and daytime hotels) Like you, I absolutely needed evidence.
I confronted him with the evidence re knowing it was physical.
I called OW husband, he said he’d found out re affair a couple of years earlier and had been convinced it had finished.
My husband offered to leave, so sure was he that that’s what I would want, I’d have the house obviously.
I cannot describe the shock and pain. I was barely functioning and not in the right head space to make any decision.
He begged me to stay and let him prove he could be the husband I deserved and he’d prove how sorry he was.
We are still together, on the face of it we are living our best lives.
We are now more connected than ever, there’s more intimacy, communication, warmth, humour, banter, fun, regular exciting date nights and time away together. He’s treating me with care and a respect that I hadn’t experienced during the time he was having the affair. There’s complete transparency, he gave me passwords to everything and obviously access to personal and work phones. Slowly, as time goes on, I don’t feel the need to look anymore but know I can anytime I want.
He works from home whenever he can. Calls me regularly when he is in office.
He’s present at home all the time and very rarely attends the many work functions anymore and definitely not if ex AP is attending (he shows me the invite email with attendees, on the very rare occasion he does go out with work).
These are all his choices in a bid to reassure me and win me back.
We are attending couples Councelling and I had personal therapy too.
OP, this has been the hardest thing I’ve ever done. Yes, when I don’t think about IT, I am extremely happy and very much enjoy our marriage.
At the start, every second, every minute, I was in a complete state and couldn’t think about anything else
I now go days without being triggered.
There are some nights (less so now) when I get angry that he’s fallen asleep. I resent that it’s me carrying all the hurt and pain from his very selfish choices while he manages to sleep. He tells me he does carry the pain of knowing what he’s done to me.
You do need to know, you need access to both phones. Call the husband and tell him you are concerned about their connection. Ask him how he feels about their “friendship”. I would lay money on it that he knows more than you and it played a part in their previous split.
When you know the truth, it doesn’t necessarily mean it will be the end of your 25 year marriage (I am not advocating staying together, simply stating it is an option depending on the work he is prepared to put in, that will be for you to decide. For many the lies and betrayal would be too much and I totally understand that.)
I really do wish you well.

1. GET FULL ACCESS TO BOTH PHONES
2. SPEAK TO HER HUSBAND.

I'd tell him that I don't trust him an inch anymore, that he fucked up, not you. Trust is something HE threw away.

Honestly don't worry about being called crazy. I think you'd be more crazy to believe him

You are better than me, I don’t think I could forgive that but if it’s working out for you then good luck and I hope it carries on working for you. I actually in some ways finding it quite irritating that my H is being all nice saying that he wants to make me happy but yet he doesn’t want to do the one thing that would make me happier, be honest, show me his phone and stop contact and banter with her. If he was genuinely putting in this effort to make me happy then that would be great but as I said before I feel he’s only doing it to sweeten me up. He still can’t seem to understand why I’m not happy as he’s making all this effort yet it was to much for him to actually apologise or admit he did anything wrong even if it was a “joke”. Wish I had demanded he showed me his phone before now.

@Anon1234567891 you are getting a lot stronger from your last posts! Keep having confidence in your self and your boundaries!

Also if it was really all innocent and I had accused him of doing something he hadn’t you’d think he wouldn’t want to do nice things for me. He does have a pattern of this though.

Op have you asked to see his phone yet,

He'll do that no matter what you see on his phone. You could see a full X-rated home video on his phone and that wouldn't stop him telling other people whatever he wants. It isn't worth living like this.

@Anon1234567891 his actions are the reason you don’t trust him. That’s an issue HE needs to fix. Maybe there is no ‘affair’ but him taking another woman on a cinema date, calling it that and referencing her not wearing underwear (again?!) and booking the back seats are understandably affecting his trustworthiness in your eyes regardless of whether that is all there is to it. He is choosing not to see this and is making it a YOU problem that you don’t trust him. The fact he is not doing everything he can to prove his innocence (like showing you his phone) is because he knows it’s not innocent. Whether it’s worse case scenario I.e. an ongoing long term affair is unknown but it’s completely understandable that your mind would go there without the facts.

The facts as you know them show him to be untrustworthy. If and when this conversation comes up again, and he says that you don’t trust him— agree with him. HIS behaviour has caused the breakdown of trust and without it, your relationship will breakdown. He needs to figure out a way to build that trust again - whether that be giving you his passcode, passwords etc to prove he has nothing to hide, messaging the OW saying that these ‘dates’ are inappropriate and won’t continue and seeing her response.

Your gut knows when you know the full story. There is a kind of peace and acceptance with it even when it’s not the truth you wanted. That constant anxiety you're feeling is your gut telling you there is more you don’t know. Unfortunately in your situation only the thought of losing you because of the lies will encourage him to tell the truth. And if his reputation and ego is more important to him than you, he will let you go to maintain his innocence / good guy / victim persona. But then are you really losing someone valuable if this is who he is?

If you know the passcode snatch it away and lock yourself in the bathroom or car whilst you go through it.

I almost did this but he snatched it off me so quickly and refused to give me it back . The look of fear on his face told me everything .

That's your chance to say show me or it's over.

It is over . Never got the truth . Never will

Did you decide to break up because he wouldn’t show you and the look on his face? It must have been hard to not find out the truth. 💐