“D”H, cinema, female colleague- update messages

[Anon1234567891]

A couple of months ago I posted about DH going on the odd cinema trip with a female colleague/friend and how on the most recent trip I felt weird/jealous about it. I didn’t think there was anything physical but didn’t know if it was a bit more than friends and felt that he didn’t prioritise going out with me so was annoyed he was going out with her.
We talked and initially he was sympathetic and said he didn’t want to upset me but I asked if he would show me his phone messages to her and he was defensive and cross and wouldn’t even though he said there wasn’t anything “inappropriate”. There were a couple of other things I found he had hidden from me not directly related to this which I was annoyed about but we tried to move on.

But it still bothered me that he wouldn’t show me his messages so the other day I decided to look at his work phone as I couldn’t see his personal one and found these messages on teams.

Relating to the cinema he sent a picture of one of those double lie down beds you get at some cinema’s and said “we could have done sofa bed but a bit OTT for the first date” - it was the “first date” bit that got me.

Then there was one saying “because seats recline going higher than normal please make sure you have underwear on - this time!” She replied “spoil sport”. WTF was that about.

There were also messages about minor work issues where he replied “you are amazing” and “you are always welcome” and one where he put😍after the message.

So is this work banter or something else, there was nothing like this to anyone else. He has banged on for weeks about how I should trust him but if this is on his work phone what’s on his personal.

And to the people that kept telling me men and women can be friends would this make a difference to that opinion, I couldn’t see him sending this to a male friend.

Perhaps flirty banter is common BUT if I had a platonic male friend I felt was soooooo out of the realms of attraction that I felt comfortable going to the cinema with him while I was married, there’d be absolutely no flirty banter . Otherwise it’s totally bang out of order .

Kindly there is no point asking for advice from a friend without giving the full picture.

She’s not a friend, more an acquaintance that works with my H that I also know some what but yes it probably doesn’t help if she doesn’t know the full picture but didnt want to go into too much detail.

Almost every post here has told you otherwise. You have stated how miserable your marriage was before, how he ignored you and put no effort in. He is dating someone else and joking about her not wearing knickers and getting reclining seats in the back of a theater. Then he is defensive of it and made you apologize. OP, you need to stand up for yourself. Life is too short to be miserable. The fact that it is not over and he is not apologetic speaks volumes. He doesn't care and knows he can do whatever he wants. If that is the life you want then fine, but you are choosing it willingly. He will continue to do what he wants and worse now that he knows there are no consequences.

And no, 99.9% of people do not disrespect their partners and spouses by joking sexually with someone else. Most people do not watch porn, visit prostitutes or cheat either. The standards on here are literally rock bottom lately. Expect better and don't be gaslit into anything less.

You’ve had so many conflicting opinions that no wonder you’re doubting yourself.
Ask yourself this: if this is OK, why was it bothering me and why did I feel I wanted to ask Mumsnet?
Answer: it bothers you because it’s not OK and you asked Mumsnet because we’re all randoms with no bias towards you because we don’t know you and/ or have no axe to grind on your behalf and therefore usually won’t dress anything up to soothe your feelings, or mince words.
Don’t let anyone unpick your spidey senses, your gut feelings. Your gut has similarly functioning cells in it as your brain and is a part of your central nervous system. It’s trying to tell you something isn’t right. Trust it.

This is such good advice and very well put

@Milosc @Thewookiemustgo Thanks you and others have been so supportive. I just find it so hard as I’ve been with him my whole adult life so I don’t know any different and my parents have a bad relationship so I don’t know any difference there either. He would say I’m just listing all his bad points, that I haven’t said anything about all the good things he’s done. And I do have a tendency to dwell on the negative. But I will look into my options and see where I stand.

My point is that it is not just what she has told us on this thread.
I went back and found the other one because I couldn't remember the backstory.
The info she gave on that earlier thread was disturbing and had not been included here.
Hence why I brought it forward, to give us and OP a reminder of those other red flags.

She doesn’t get a vote on whether or not you leave your DH (and under what circumstances).

OP it doesn’t matter what his good points are if he’s behaving like this. Everyone has some good in them, but the fact is that he’s being inappropriate with another woman, he’s not allowing you to see anything on his phone, and he’s gaslighting you, means that he’s not being good to you.

From the backstory that someone else posted, it seems they have some sort of history and it doesn’t look good.

Even if it was purely platonic, if it’s making you uncomfortable and she’s just some random colleague, he should be willing to put you first and stay clear of her. He should not be okay seeing you suffer like this 💐

It’s not what you said, it’s all the ChatGPT style emojis! I’ve read that we will all eventually start communicating like ChatGPT but that was right on the nose 😅

Oh sorry, I just wanted people to note the different points so I added emojis. So it wasn't just a wall of text.

If one of his bad points is dating other women (not just flirty texts....trips to back seat of the cinema by themselves), then yes you should be focusing on that.

@Anon1234567891 you are in a difficult position. His behaviour has been inappropriate at best and it’s really disappointing he hasn’t accepted this and apologised so you can move on fully. It could be a full blown affair or it could be inappropriate comments for a bit of excitement. If he’s promised not to do it again or to go to the cinema with her anymore then you need to decide whether you can let it go and give him another chance.

Obviously if this type of behaviour continues you need to be prepared for what the consequences will be. Because he has told you he thinks his behaviour is acceptable. Only negative consequences for him will make him reconsider.

Either way you need to make a decision, believe him, accept it and move on or keep digging until you find the truth or leave him without evidence based on your gut. But don’t stay in this limbo of not moving on but not doing anything about it. It will drive you crazy.

Hi, do people think I should demand to see his personal phone or is it pointless as he’s probably deleted anything dodgy now. He has been complaining that every time he gets a message I want to know who it is, says I should trust him. He did say what does he need to do to get past this so I could say “let me see his messages”. He did say she’d messaged to ask if we’d had a nice Christmas. Then there were a couple of messages about new year he told me about yesterday.

He'll have deleted anything dodgy. Really though... You have seen the messages about first dates and pants so I'm not sure what you want to see? This man would have some sort of gaslighting response for a message that said for example "last night was fun ;)".

I'm probably one of the people who was suspicious about this cinema trip.

we could have done sofa bed but a bit OTT for the first date” - it was the “first date” bit that got me

OP - I appreciate you've been together for 25 years, but are you waiting for him to literally wipe his feet on your face in order to give you permission to leave?

I suppose I would be tempted ask, on the off chance that he’s been dim enough to leave obvious gaps in the message chains or have deleted the entire message thread (or forgotten to empty the messages from the bin, sometimes they remain there for 30 days). I would also want to see what his reaction was to this request, which isn’t unreasonable, considering the content of the other messages.

But it’s up to you @Anon1234567891 . I’m not sure it will put your mind at ease either way. He needs to properly acknowledge your feelings and not keep invalidating them to begin to win your trust back.

I know but according to him it’s all just a laugh. I re-read the underwear one again today and I just can’t see how that is not related to the cinema as he specifically references it. Anyway I worry that if I leave he’s going to tell everyone it’s because I’m crazy, even though there has been other reasons to leave apart from just this. Including that he’ll make out to the kids that I’m crazy and I will come out looking the bad guy for splitting the family up but I know how things have been lately isn’t any good for them either.

OP you could go either way on the messages. You could ask, so you can see if there are any gaps or if he’s deleted messages about Christmas, etc and question why, or you could leave it a couple of weeks and let him drop his guard, then say it’s still niggling you so for peace of mind could he show you.

Really it’s more about how he responds to the request. If he’s defensive/refuses or he goes away with his phone then later agrees, then something is going on.

Well he might but there's no reason that you can't say you found inappropriate messages to another woman on his work phone. It's true, they are inappropriate whether it's an inside joke or not. You don't have to maintain a dignified silence (not sure I could).

Also - you can end a relationship for whatever reason. He isn't an employee who has to undergo due process before being sacked.

OP if you want to leave you simply tell people that you don’t want a marriage where your husband behaves inappropriately with another woman.

In terms of your children, sorry if I’ve missed their ages, but if he makes it out to be your fault then if they are young you just say that daddy did something that really upset you. Children can often understand because they have friends who upset them and they didn’t want to be around them anymore. You just reassure them how much you love them and that you’re sorry it’s come to this.

If you haven’t already, I’d suggest getting screenshots/proof of his behaviour

Who fucking cares if he tells people you’re crazy. You tell the same people “I saw the messages of him planning first and second dates with a woman. For me, that’s a step too far. I might be crazy but I have self respect.”

Stop caring what anonymous potential people may or may not think about you based on what he might say and start choosing actual happiness and dignity.

@Anon1234567891 why do you care what others think? They are not the judge and jury here. It’s about how you feel. And to be honest when ever a man plays the crazy card, it’s usually because he’s a massive dickhead or worse still likely a terrible husband! Stop worrying about what everyone thinks, have some confidence in your own convictions.

if you separate, you tell your children the truth. Ie. Their dad has been having dates with another woman, his first love, one who got away. You don’t sugarcoat it. Mention the romantic, candlelit concert, with the tickets being purchased in secret etc.