“D”H, cinema, female colleague- update messages

[Anon1234567891]

A couple of months ago I posted about DH going on the odd cinema trip with a female colleague/friend and how on the most recent trip I felt weird/jealous about it. I didn’t think there was anything physical but didn’t know if it was a bit more than friends and felt that he didn’t prioritise going out with me so was annoyed he was going out with her.
We talked and initially he was sympathetic and said he didn’t want to upset me but I asked if he would show me his phone messages to her and he was defensive and cross and wouldn’t even though he said there wasn’t anything “inappropriate”. There were a couple of other things I found he had hidden from me not directly related to this which I was annoyed about but we tried to move on.

But it still bothered me that he wouldn’t show me his messages so the other day I decided to look at his work phone as I couldn’t see his personal one and found these messages on teams.

Relating to the cinema he sent a picture of one of those double lie down beds you get at some cinema’s and said “we could have done sofa bed but a bit OTT for the first date” - it was the “first date” bit that got me.

Then there was one saying “because seats recline going higher than normal please make sure you have underwear on - this time!” She replied “spoil sport”. WTF was that about.

There were also messages about minor work issues where he replied “you are amazing” and “you are always welcome” and one where he put😍after the message.

So is this work banter or something else, there was nothing like this to anyone else. He has banged on for weeks about how I should trust him but if this is on his work phone what’s on his personal.

And to the people that kept telling me men and women can be friends would this make a difference to that opinion, I couldn’t see him sending this to a male friend.

I felt so sad reading the update. Nobody this side of 1980 talks about wearing clean knickers in case you are in an accident, and even then it would be something a mum would tend to say to a daughter.
My DH is no prince, but I trust him. And he’s the first man who has deserved that trust. He goes where he says he’s going, I don’t demand updates but he’s happy to keep in touch.
He rang me from his Christmas party yesterday was home in time for 8 pm. I know all of his colleagues and their parents/spouses. He has a work phone. He leaves both phones lying about and if one pings and he’s busy he will ask me to check it and read the message out. I use his laptop now and again and I don’t go prying but if things do ping up I’ve never had to worry.
This all knew to me. I’ve spent my life with a couple of men like your husband - lying, hiding things, drugs, gaslighting me.
Once they know you are too scared to leave, you are of no concern.
There is nothing more lonely than being lied to. And in not blaming the woman but she’s an absolute disgrace as well.
If it’s too much now please act in the new year.
Your husband does not love you. He knows he’s hurting you and he doesn’t care.
There is somebody out there who will love you, but you will never know stuck in this.

Exactly this. He’s not grovelling because he holds all the power and has you exactly where he wants you. Why would you settle for a miserable life?

This, x100.

What a load of bollocks! He’s so good at gaslighting he’s made you apologise!

This feeling won't go away, im sorry to say. He dicked around with your life, you now have to live it whatever it is he did. And it is not in your control as they weren't your choices or agreements made as a couple. It is unfair.

But I agree with others, he is a gaslighter.

OP your husband lies to you, gaslights you, minimises everything he is accused of, exaggerates what he sees as your wrongdoing in daring to question him and is an Olympic standard perpetrator of DARVO. He denies, then accuses you of wrongdoing in calling him out and reverses the roles of victim and offender so that you end up apologising for allegedly misunderstanding something he has in fact actually done!
Listen to his language “may have done” “slightly inappropriate “ “like that with everyone” (he talk to guys about their underwear????) “taking the mick” and I cannot believe that the cheeky git actually said to you that in some ways he “wished he had” as he is “being interrogated anyway“.
What a nasty, cruel and disrespectful thing to say to you!
If I was in two minds before about his potential guilt, I‘m not any more. There’s definitely something going on between him and that woman or he wouldn’t need to deploy the gaslighting big guns, he’d be horrified that you’d think that of him and desperate to reassure you that he loves you and you mean everything to him. He wouldn’t need to work on you until you apologise, minimise everything and belittle you.
This man’s psychological manipulation of your emotions and reality will damage your mental health if it hasn’t already, and you need him to get out of your life. It’s abusive.
I know that’s easy to say, but when I questioned my husband about his behaviour (I had proof but didn’t tell him I had) he confessed and didn’t try for a second to deny or gaslight or berate me for questioning him and was sobbing, apologising and a pretty desperate man. If he had tried to deny it and mess with my head of try to turn it around on me, he would have been out.
This will make you ill OP, you’ll lose your grip on what is real and what is a lie and you’ll never, ever trust him if he can’t tell you the truth when he’s caught. Believe me OP, you’ve definitely caught him, his current behaviour is hell bent on convincing you otherwise. You’ve seen his undeniably inappropriate messages (joking doesn’t make this appropriate either, by the way. Married men shouldn’t be making sexual jokes with other women) and know he takes her out to the cinema one to one. This is not ok.
Unless he has a personality transplant and comes clean and apologises, he’s going to make your future a living hell.
Ending it will feel like hell, but it will be a temporary hell and things will get way better for you. Staying with him the way he is now will make hell last forever.

Someone is holding all the cards OP and it isn't you. Sort that out in 2026.

I just typed a massive post then lost it before I could post. I was going to say stuff about I suppose I could understand that if he really hadn’t done anything wrong then I could see why he would be angry at being accused but he still wouldn’t take any responsibility for the inappropriate messages being wrong. There was other stuff as well but the conclusion was that my mental health is screwed as I can’t tell what is real and what isn’t any more as on one hand he says he loves me and on the other there’s all this and the fact I feel he’s quite critical and makes little digs about things.
i think I would be happier on my own as I wouldn’t be second guessing myself all the time but it’s getting to that point.

@Anon1234567891 I know I’m late to the party but I tried ChatGPT for the first time this morning and omg I wish I’d found it ages ago . My last relationship wouldn’t have lasted anyway near as long. I put in message between me and him and it came out with exactly what I suspected only in a much clearer way than my jumbled up stressed out brain .

There’s nothing wrong with your mental health OP. What’s “wrong” is your dick of a husband and all the little lies he keeps spinning. He’s comfortable there with you and having his bit on the side who is also married. She won’t force him to leave you and he won’t go anywhere until all his needs are met because he’s a lazy, gaslighting POS. Neither of them would last long as a couple I’m 100% certain but her husband is being cuckholded as well and both of you should throw these losers out and be angry for a while but ultimately gain independence and heal from the trauma over the long term. Yes, there’d be a lot of work to do to dissolve the marriage and probably loads more angst but do it anyway as this is who he is and you will get worse, second guessing, treading on eggshells and putting your needs nowhere.

Oh honey, I don’t think your mental health is the problem here (although I am sure he is having a hugely negative effect on that!). The problem is that you’re being treated like sh1t. I would imagine that the reason you don’t know what’s real and what’s not, and you’re second guessing yourself is because is totally gaslighting you!

you deserve to be treated better !

My friend had her ex convince her it was her mental health that was making her thing something was going on. She even put herself on antidepressants because she believed him.

The bastard was cheating with his female boss! He's more of a bastard to me because he'd convinced my friend it was his mental health, how dare he disgusting man.

Some of them are so low, they still don't think they are doing anything wrong. Get through Christmas then get your ducks in a row.

He's investing time into this so called friendship that he could be investing into your relationship. I fully believe if men want to then they would. He isn't investing in you at all. Send him packing when you are able to.

I really hope you have support in real life and if not, please ring a support agency or charity helpline.

To say the least, your husband is crisding boundaries, making a mockery of your marraige and is treating you like crap.
You have more than enough evidence.

Your MH is crap because of the encironment you are living in and a broken marraige. While it may take a while to build yourself back up mentally, leaving him would go along way towards helping yourself escape the biggest damage to your MH.

OP there is NOTHING wrong with your mental health.
He is using DARVO.
You have nothing to apologise for.
No man who loves his wife would behave like him. Not one.
Yes, you can have a platonic friend. I am probably a lot older than you. My two mates have been in my life since we were kids.
They know my DH, I know their partners/DC.
We share a few interests, tend to stick to the odd phone call or message now. I tend to mention them to my DH and he usually says they are boring (while laughing!) God are you and Brian re-watching Line of Duty again?
It is about boundaries. I would never send a message to either friend I wouldn’t want their partners to see.
There is a big difference between ‘that new George Clooney film is a bit shit’ to making remarks about not wearing knickers.
You know what he’s doing, you know it is wrong, please don’t apologise again.

It doesn’t matter what he says, you judge people by how they treat you, and how they make you feel, not by what they say.

Your mental health seems fine. You haven’t written anything that makes it sound as though you are depressed or losing your mind. You are having completely normal reactions to be treated very poorly.

The only thing that will make this better is for you to start dreaming about a life without him and then finding the strength to put that into action.

I really hope that 2026 is a good year for you!

You're questioning your mental health because you're feeling confused. And you're confused because your DH is giving you mixed messages. He's behaving horribly, sending inappropriate messages that have firmly crossed a line. At the same time he's telling you he loves you - partly to keep you dangling, and partly to justify his behaviour to himself. ('It's fine that I banter with my colleague. I'm always telling my wife that I love her.')
This is all a DH problem. Don't you go questioning your own sanity.

Chatgpt is interesting isn’t it, used it myself and it really confirmed thoughts I had about a relationship issue, maybe OP should give it a try, it’s a different and actually quite quite balanced perspective

OP any damage to your mental health is being caused by the denying, minimising, gaslighting etc. I’d bet your mental heath was fine before all this and it’s no surprise that you doubt reality because that’s exactly what gaslighting is supposed to do: make you believe something that flies in the face of every gut feeling and shred of evidence you have to the contrary. IE make you believe in a false reality to enable the perpetrator to continue doing things they know you disapprove of. If he convinces you that what you think is happening isn’t happening , he can carry on right under your nose.
Without his abusive manipulation your mental health is just fine.

@Thewookiemustgo is it not the case though that he would be cross to be accused of something if he hasn’t done anything wrong in his eyes, even though in my eyes the messages were wrong even if there wasn’t anything else going on.

In anyone’s eyes those messages would be wrong OP , & he knows full well they’re inappropriate .I wonder would he be of the same opinion if roles were reversed ?
He doesn’t want to accept responsibility for his actions so he’s being an asshole to you .

@Anon1234567891 ,

‘is it not the case though that he would be cross to be accused of something if he hasn’t done anything wrong in his eyes, even though in my eyes the messages were wrong’

But, in your heart of hearts, do you actually think he believes that he hasn’t done anything wrong?

Would he give you a free pass if you had exchanged those sorts of messages and booked reclining seats at the cinema with a male colleague? Honestly, what do you think?!

Of course, when anyone is caught, they will try and deny it. And, maybe, he is a good enough actor that, at that precise moment, he believes what he is saying to you.

But, ultimately, it is a performance. And, until you find your self respect and rediscover your own independence and joie de vivre, you are a very easy audience for his performances.

@Anon1234567891 virtually everyone on this thread has said that his behaviour/messages are unacceptable. You are trying to make excuses to believe his excuses because you don’t want to face the alternative and what this means for your relationship and potentially your future. I feel so sorry that your mental health is struggling, but as pp says - that’s on him too. What would YOU do if the situation was reversed and you were off the the back row of the cinema (again) with your friend, with whom you’d exchanged these texts, and your dh said he was unhappy with this? Would you exchange these sort of texts with a male colleague? Book back row reclining seats?

No, he shouldn't be cross - defensive, yes, but not cross. He should have reassured you, kindly, that there is nothing going on, offered to stop these cinema trips altogether. Instead, he's gone on the offensive, gas-lighting you, trying to make it about you, trying to convince you that it is a failing on your part (jealousy, etc.) because you can't see that these messages are just "jokes". You know they're not jokes OP - we all know they're not jokes.
(BTW, why isn't he taking you to the cinema?)

he has probably been gaslighting you for years that s why you’re struggling to see what is so clearly the problem and indeed the truth here and it doesn’t matter what he’s peddling to you because that’s not who he has shown himself to be. He should be embarrassed and regretful for his behaviour and accept that his marriage is over. I don’t think he could apologise his way out of this but he’s not even trying to so just accept he’s unfaithful and get out. Stop trying to accept and see his pov. It’s full of shit. Look at your pov. How do you feel about his behaviour? That’s all that matters.