“D”H, cinema, female colleague- update messages

[Anon1234567891]

A couple of months ago I posted about DH going on the odd cinema trip with a female colleague/friend and how on the most recent trip I felt weird/jealous about it. I didn’t think there was anything physical but didn’t know if it was a bit more than friends and felt that he didn’t prioritise going out with me so was annoyed he was going out with her.
We talked and initially he was sympathetic and said he didn’t want to upset me but I asked if he would show me his phone messages to her and he was defensive and cross and wouldn’t even though he said there wasn’t anything “inappropriate”. There were a couple of other things I found he had hidden from me not directly related to this which I was annoyed about but we tried to move on.

But it still bothered me that he wouldn’t show me his messages so the other day I decided to look at his work phone as I couldn’t see his personal one and found these messages on teams.

Relating to the cinema he sent a picture of one of those double lie down beds you get at some cinema’s and said “we could have done sofa bed but a bit OTT for the first date” - it was the “first date” bit that got me.

Then there was one saying “because seats recline going higher than normal please make sure you have underwear on - this time!” She replied “spoil sport”. WTF was that about.

There were also messages about minor work issues where he replied “you are amazing” and “you are always welcome” and one where he put😍after the message.

So is this work banter or something else, there was nothing like this to anyone else. He has banged on for weeks about how I should trust him but if this is on his work phone what’s on his personal.

And to the people that kept telling me men and women can be friends would this make a difference to that opinion, I couldn’t see him sending this to a male friend.

Well he did say something about i wouldnt like it if he told me what friends I could go out with, although none of mine are male.

Honestly I would have said that I'd understand his reticence if said friend was a man texting you about your knickers.

Well his conduct with his Colleague/ Friend was completely inappropriate & that’s the only reason you don’t want him being around her , it’s his own fault.

He’s taking you for an absolute fool OP.

The only way his behaviour will change is he'll be more sneaky to avoid you catching him out. Maybe that will work for you - do you think it's a case of as long as it's not happening blatantly in front of your face, you can turn a blind eye?

Ah DARVO -(defend. Attack. Reverse victim and offender). A tactic used by abusers and narcissists and just nasty bastards worldwide. Also see ‘the script’ for the things that cheaters come out with, many of which your dh is now staring to come out with.
look I get it, it’s not easy to leave, it’s not easy to break up a relationship when you aren’t sure what has happened. Just be wary OP. And spend a bit of time thinking abut how your life feels when you’re on egg shells all the time wondering what he’s up to. It’s not a great way to live (having lived like that I know), and isn’t it a bit of a waste of the time you have?

His response sounds plausible. Most people wouldn’t be able to make up excuses like that on the spot. He’ll be more careful of his words next time.

OP - you said when you first started to get upset about the cinema dates, "It’s complicated because things haven’t been great the last few years and because of various things I have probably been quite withdrawn from him". You also said you wonder why you stay but also you know it wouldn't be easy to set yourself up on your own if you did. You don't need to talk through the details of that on MN of course if you don't want to and don't think it would be helpful. Would you talk about it with a counsellor/therapist otherwise? My impression is that deep down you know this isn't right and that's why you have been angry, why you looked at his phone, and that you are relieved he's given you a seemingly plausible (by your standards) response so you can just push this under the carpet for Christmas, for New Year, for January, for Spring... kicking it into the long grass and not ever really getting to the nub of what's really going in your life. You don't have to do anything scary and life-changing right now if you could speak with a (full-qualified and recommended) person who is not there to judge or dictate, but to listen to you and in doing so help you listen to yourself, your true feelings and instincts. Good luck and I hope 2026 brings some clarity and peace for you.

Oh OP, I feel so sorry for you. It is obvious he has been gaslighting you so much your self esteem is on the floor to believe this nonsense. You may want a nice Christmas but it will be with a liar. He isn't a fool and made you believe his transgressions are in your imagination and it is all your fault. Please go see a therapist for your own well-being so you can see past his lies. He is abusive. Not one thing he responded as a reason sounds plausible at all. You just want to believe so you are grasping at straws. He should be on his knees groveling for forgiveness. Instead you are the one apologizing. This whole thread is just so sad.

Excuses like what?? The pants thing was an in joke you aren’t aware of? Is this your first day on planet earth because that’s the sort of knee jerk excuse any old man would use. Wishy washy bullshit that OP can’t defend because “everyone at work is in on it” and she obviously can’t verify or prove that’s a lie.

The man is taking another women on dates while blatantly abandoning that sort of connection with his wife. It is an emotional affair at the very, very least. He doesn’t care that it makes his wife uncomfortable and defends his relationship with OW instead of comforting and putting his loving DW at ease.

Yes you’re right, what I would have liked would have been an apology and him beg for my forgiveness but instead he said he thought we’d put it to bed, he hasn’t done anything wrong, maybe slightly inappropriate but he’s like that with everyone having a laugh and taking the mick out of each other. He even said in some ways he wished he had as he was being interrogated anyway. I ended up apologising to him as I’d accused him of doing “something he hadn’t”! If I had the money to just up and leave then maybe I would but the thought of going through the whole process and upheaval puts me off. It’s strange how he’s the one that’s done something wrong but I’m the one that ends up feeling bad. I honestly thought he would be grovelling to me but I guess I was wrong!

He’s not grovelling because he knows you’re not going anywhere.

I think you should spend 2026 working on your self esteem and finding your power.

You don’t need to stay in a relationship like this.

It's clearly an affair, whether he's actually shagged her or not noone can tell you. But this has crossed so many lines it's irrelevant

These kind of jokes are made between a couple who is either already shagging or as a minimum both know it's on the cards.

Anyone saying otherwise is either
a) breathtakingly naive;
b) jaw droppingly unboundaried; or
c) balls deep in their current affair partner

This just makes me sad because you seem so lovely but so lost and sad. You deserve the world and to be adored. We all want that for you. Please want that for yourself OP. You are stronger than you know. Life is too short to stay with a lying ass. There is someone out there who will love you unconditionally and that's you. But you need to find yourself to be able to be content and love yourself. Make 2026 the year you lose this waste of a man.

The disrespect he's showing you is awful. He's not behaving as a loving husband should be.

I hope you'll be able to separate from him soon

You do not need proof to leave him. He does not respect you, he manipulates and gas lights you. There is something very clearly going on between them.

And even in the unlikely chance that there isn't, the way he's treating you alone is good enough reason to leave him.

Please work on increasing your self-esteem. You have to know your worth, and you are worth more than this bullshit.

He’s spelt it out pretty clearly. It’s their first date, they’re literally talking about him seeing her underwear and wanting to lay down together.

I’d play dumb and get my ducks in a row.

You deserve better, he's crossed the line and knows it.
He will continue to gaslight and erode your sense of reality if you stay and put up with it.

Even if referring to it as date was 'a joke' it's the type of 'joke' that's testing the waters - and flirting/emotional affair is crossing your boundaries as a partner. He's no longer focused on your relationship/ priotising your sense of safety in the relationship.

He's not going to be talked into acting right. Bc lying and decieving you is serving his interests. And he's a prick.

It feels impossibly hard but you can put a plan together and break the cycle - he's shown he's dishonest and willing to string you along. Don't waste another year on him.

Your life is worth more than this.
Leave him or kick him out. Chart the safest course and be free of this cunt

OP, its much harder to think about doing something than just doing it. Plan everything without telling him, do it on your terms, in your own time - but leave. Once you are free you will look back and regret not leaving sooner.

Its really obvious he is having an affair, and the fact you swallowed his ridiculous lies and even apologised to him will only embolden him. You don't need this shit in your life, imagine living with a man who puts his dick and other parts into another woman. Gross.

You do not have to tolerate his behaviour. He could be lying and gaslighting you. I would keep a record of everything that happens and maybe your mind will become clearer. Marriages are supposed to be equal. How would he feel if you behaved the way he does?

Could be ?

"If I had the money to just up and leave then maybe I would but the thought of going through the whole process and upheaval puts me off." You're not the first woman to feel financially trapped in a relationship and you won't be the last, but there is a way out and you need to seek advice if you're minded to. However, I suspect you're not and to read that you would stay with this gas-lighting pig because "the upheaval puts me off" is so sad. Your self-esteem must really be on the floor to tolerate this humiliation and betrayal. I sincerely hope that one day you find the strength to leave - you don't deserve this treatment - no-one does.

The thing is - the Trust has gone and I really don't think it can come back.

Your marriage is in the death throes - for your sake put it out of its misery and end it. Get through Xmas, keep yourself emotionally distant from him and try to accept your new future.

@Anon1234567891 ,

You have to remind yourself of what your ‘husband’ is doing. He is having an emotional affair (at least) in plain site and humiliating you into the bargain.

Hs booked reclining seats in a cinema back row, to go out after work with a ‘colleague’. Would you have considered doing it with a colleague when you were both attached?!

I would wager a pound to a penny that virtually all his colleagues at least strongly suspect that they are in some kind of a relationship and feel sorry for you.

Some have said that work relationships are common and transient and should be overlooked. I disagree. Of course, where people are totally discreet and never found out, it maybe isn’t the end of the world. But, it is playing with fire. If you are discovered, you rightly risk the end of your marriage.

How will you feel about having sex with him (not going to be twee and say ‘intimate’) when you know his mind is elsewhere? How damaging will that be to you over time?

He is a consummate liar and I know how easy it is to want to believe his indignation at being accused. But he is just acting! He knows precisely what he is doing.

Sorry if my words are blunt and maybe hurtful, but you need to find your anger and, with it, the determination to act. Unless he suffers some consequence, this could go on for years