“D”H, cinema, female colleague- update messages

[Anon1234567891]

A couple of months ago I posted about DH going on the odd cinema trip with a female colleague/friend and how on the most recent trip I felt weird/jealous about it. I didn’t think there was anything physical but didn’t know if it was a bit more than friends and felt that he didn’t prioritise going out with me so was annoyed he was going out with her.
We talked and initially he was sympathetic and said he didn’t want to upset me but I asked if he would show me his phone messages to her and he was defensive and cross and wouldn’t even though he said there wasn’t anything “inappropriate”. There were a couple of other things I found he had hidden from me not directly related to this which I was annoyed about but we tried to move on.

But it still bothered me that he wouldn’t show me his messages so the other day I decided to look at his work phone as I couldn’t see his personal one and found these messages on teams.

Relating to the cinema he sent a picture of one of those double lie down beds you get at some cinema’s and said “we could have done sofa bed but a bit OTT for the first date” - it was the “first date” bit that got me.

Then there was one saying “because seats recline going higher than normal please make sure you have underwear on - this time!” She replied “spoil sport”. WTF was that about.

There were also messages about minor work issues where he replied “you are amazing” and “you are always welcome” and one where he put😍after the message.

So is this work banter or something else, there was nothing like this to anyone else. He has banged on for weeks about how I should trust him but if this is on his work phone what’s on his personal.

And to the people that kept telling me men and women can be friends would this make a difference to that opinion, I couldn’t see him sending this to a male friend.

IMHO no-one would be left married if flirtations or short-term affairs in the work-place ended all marriages. I've been working for nearly 40 years in male-dominated areas and haven't met one man who didn't cheat on his nearest and dearest.
Most happen one-off or very short term as neither party actually wants to be with the other long-term. My advice would be to let it blow over as 90% of these things do.

Sorry but you cannot have any idea the gut punch and distress infidelity can cause. It's now recognised as a form of domestic abuse.
When I got my definite proof (after being lied to and gaslit for over a year when I challenged anything) it took me to the floor emotionally. The only friends who really 'got it' were those who'd also experienced betrayal / infidelity with people they had loved. Those that hadn't sounded like you or made the 'get over it and be friendly' comments.
Ive posted this quote before from the book 'cheating in a nutshell'. Deserves to be posted again.

"A lie is an assumption of power over another. A lie is an assault that attacks not only the dignity of the other person but also their physical and mental well-being.
A lie steals power from the one deceived. It reduces their alternatives.
It causes the betrayed person to act as they never would have acted had they known the truth.
A liar deliberately feeds inaccurate information, and when there are children, the lies reverberate in their lives as well".

@Anon1234567891 you may find the Chump Ladywebsite and book helpful at this point.
https://www.chumplady.com/what-not-to-do-if-youre-cheated-on/

You must be consumed with worry, and it must be awful feeling stuck with no easy options on the table. Read up on “decentering” your partner and learn to put more energy into yourself, your happiness, your wants and needs as a whole woman, separate to your husband and your marriage. Spend time putting yourself first, filling your own cup and prioritising the relationships that light you up. You’ll be in a stronger place to make a decision in next steps when you’re ready. Treat him like an irritating little brother for a while, he’s there, in your house, but you don’t have to put his feelings or wants above your own or even listen to him if you don’t want to. You’re far more intelligent and interesting than he is anyway and deserve a happy Christmas despite the fact he’s being a bellend x

You need to meet better people. I can't believe how many people think women should be doormats and accept it because that's how men are like they have no control of themselves 🙄 The absolute gutter standards women are supposed to lap up is disgusting. Not all men cheat. If someone loves you they won't be fucking someone at work. FFS have some standards and expect better.

Sounds like you're self-soothing.
I don't want to blow your mind but lots of women cheat too and never tell their other half.

That's interesting.

My late husband left his first wife. He told me that he could have forgiven a one-off, the fact that she'd shared a room with a work colleague. He couldn't forgive the fact that she was spending so much time with said work colleague. (They had 'interests in common'...)

It's you who sounds like they're self-soothing.

Have you managed to speak to him, OP?
It’s quite simply that he is prioritising his friendship with her over your feelings. If you feel uncomfortable and insecure about his behaviour around this woman (and just this woman, there’s no other issues about other women so he can’t say he’s not allowed to talk to women etc) then he should be concerned with not allowing you to hurt. You are uncomfortable and your feelings are valid. Dont allow him to mimimise them.

Of course women cheat, who else are these stupid men fucking if not the other woman. Lots of people cheat. That does not mean all do. All marriages do not have infidelity. All men are not led by their dicks. Many are decent, good and kind and love their spouses. The same applies to women. Just because you are surrounded by cheats does not mean that is the norm. You do not cheat if you love someone.

If the messages are harmless are they something he’d be happy for his boss and colleagues to see? His family? Your friends? Would he mind you sending male work colleagues similar messages or receiving them from them?

Dear @Anon1234567891
i think he has massively gaslit you here and continues to. Comments like “ oh you are not going to leave this” or what ever he said … and blaming menopause for this. He’s throwing every excuse at you. And then also telling you he can’t live without out you. If he couldn’t live without you he would be trying everything to make you feel safe and secure:. Instead you’ve found sexting on his Teams messages with him. He’s tried to minimize the importance of these cinema trips with in fact they seem to mean everything to him.

I don’t think you need convincing that he’s cheating and I’m really sorry to hear how sick to the stomach you feel and that you are containing something like this.

I think when you confront him that he will fob you off again unless you have an ultimatum and you follow it through. There are 7 days till Christmas so think what’s best for your emotional well being. For the new year I think you should start individual counselling, it will help you have confidence in yourself that he’s been slowly eroding in you for years.

Also what’s become of this viagra? Have any pills been used and do they all tie in with when he’s had sex with you. After finding those messages consider not letting him near you and an SDI test in the new year.

It's obviously the male-dominated industry that you work in and the horrible men that you worked with but it certainly isn't the norm. I worked in HE for many years and I only know of two colleagues who had a workplace affair (with each other).

You are totally minimising the devastating impact that infidelity has on a marriage and the cheated-on partner. It's not the 1950s when divorces were rare and a source of shame and most women couldn't support themselves.

OP has agency and if her husband is cheating, she should get rid of him.

Read recently that being angry at her reaction to your actions is not communication it’s gaslighting, to twist it and make the problem about her is manipulation.

So I’ve had a conversation with him, he said it was all just having a laugh, taken out of context with other things in the office. That she jokingly called it a first date in the office in front of other people and that’s why he responded with the comment. And that the pants comment was in response to other comments about “make sure you’ve got pants on in case you get run over by a bus”. He wasn’t happy about the snooping and accusing him of something going on. I guess at the end of the day I’m never really going to know the truth. He said he would avoid going to the cinema with her, and minimise contact and maybe be more appropriate with his messages. I do feel better for getting it out. I think there’s a lot of things in my life I need to look at but want to try and have a nice Christmas as best I can for now.

@Anon1234567891 and are you happy with this - or masking your true feelings?
He's going to ‘avoid’ going to the cinema with her and ‘maybe be more appropriate with his messages’. That’s big of him.He's upset that you snooped and accused him. Did he even acknowledge how and WHY you felt as you did? Seek to really reassure you? Apologise in any way?
See you again in a few months, but in the meantime, I hope you and the dc have a lovely Christmas in spite of everything.

Hopefully he has learnt his lesson, and it was a bit of harmless banter. Have a nice Christmas.

“Make sure you’ve got pants on this time” they was talking about the cinema not about being hit by busses! That makes no sense at all, to me it would mean she didn’t wear her knickers on a previous trip to the cinema. Anyways hope you and you children have a lovely Christmas 🎄

I know but if he’s not going to admit it what can I do, I think exactly the same don’t really by his explanation. But will keep civil for now and see in the new year, see if his behaviour changes at all.

Exactly what I was going to say.

Have you spelled out to him that any further dodgy incidents/messages with her will result in a separation? Might be worth being crystal clear what the consequences will be if he violates your trust again (if you would follow through on them)?

@Anon1234567891 he will get better at hiding things from you. I can understand you wanting a nice Christmas but realistically how nice will it be? I think you need to get some individual counselling in the new year, I think he’s talked at you for so long, there seems to be a big imbalance of power, and he’s neglected you and it’s the norm here? I am saying this with kindness, I in an unhealthy marriage for a long time. You will benefit from it, feel stronger, be bolder and confident. Have a good Christmas, you deserve it x

He is gaslighting you big time here. Say your going to send the messages to her husband to see if he get the joke. You have given him no consequences for the way he treats you so he will never change. Good luck oP your going to need it in the new year as he is still choosing her over you. He should be cutting all contact your 2nd best here and letting this happen to you. Im not blaming you your probably been beating down by him for years but stand up for the sake of your children if not yourself

He’s fed you a load of b@llocks
Have you insisted on seeing the messages on his personal phone (they’re probably deleted by now)
You can see the date they 1st connected on WhatsApp at the start of their very 1st message - also, tap at the top where it says “archive” - a hidden folder will drop down - check if he’s using it.
Please don’t let him fob you off like this. You deserve better.

The fact that he isn’t getting up on his high horse demanding he should be able to go to the cinema with her, cause she is his friend, & feeding you bullshit about how controlling you are is at least a step in the right direction of saving your marriage 🙂 .
He doesn’t want to lose you & the kids obviously .
Lets hope it stays like that .
I hope you & your family have a lovely Christmas OP 🎄 x